Funny Design Advice (aka “Gonna Smack My Sister”)

So then…she hugs me close, exclaims, “I had a great time seeing you!” — steps back to look at me — then looks up, down, left, right and declares, “You know, all your walls are white – don’t you find that bland and…well…just kinda blah?”

Then without waiting for a response, she snaps her roller bag, zips down my front steps, and heads to the airport to return up North.

Funny Design Advice from Unlikely Source #painting #interior design #funny #homeimprovement

I stare after my sister, vexed that she’s managed to fire a stinger on her way out, without me having a witty and withering reply at the ready.

And what’s worse is that she didn’t seem like she was intent on inflicting pain.  She genuinely seemed like she just noticed this deficiency and felt compelled to share it with me.

I’ve been living happily in my lovely house in a nice LA suburb for many years and not once did I notice that the walls were all white.  That’s just the way the house came when we bought it brand new and it never really occurred to me to notice it — much less change it.

I close the door thoughtfully and glance around.  This is fine.  This is just fine.  The wall color is perfect for our floors and furniture.  Who cares if every room is white?

I go about my day and my night and the next few weeks – and all I can think about is“Oh my God, I am suffocating in this white house!  It is too much white!  It is institutional and boring and completely devoid of creativity or freedom or air.  I can’t breathe.  I can’t breathe.  The white paint is CHOKING ME!!!!!”

And now I am really mad at my sister, because I had been living here peacefully and content for years, focused on important things like family, health, social life – and now I am obsessed.  As each day passes, I am puzzled how I could have lived any kind of meaningful existence in a two-story house where EVERY bedroom, bathroom, living space, and closet is painted white.  Every room I walk into taunts me with its uniform bleakness, whispering, “Paint me, paint me.”

She makes one off-handed comment and I am tormented.

It reminds me of a recent business trip.

I’m in a small town motel room, working on the presentation, when my colleague Jared stops by to give me a binder of reports.  We sit at the little table in the room, talk about tomorrow’s meeting, then he says, “What’s that weird clicking noise?”

We’re silent for a moment and now I hear it – a distinct “click……click-click……click……click-click.”  It appears to be emanating from the heater/ac unit under the window.

Then Jared says, “Well, OK.  Good night then.”  And he leaves!

Leaves me there with that weird clicking noise!  I call the front desk but there are no other rooms available – and the technician/handyman has already gone home for the night.  I push all the buttons on the heater/ac unit and kick it a few times for good measure – but to no avail.

So I lay there all night long, unable to sleep, because of the incessant annoying weird clicking noise.   “Click……click-click……click……click-click.”  All frigging night.

And where is Jared?  Sleeping like a baby in his silent click-free room, oblivious to my agony – but most definitely the cause of it.

I’d been working in my motel room for hours without even noticing the noise.  But as soon as he mentioned it in his off-handed little way — it was all I could think about.

And now my sister is doing the exact same thing to me.

I call my sister and demand, “Why did you have to say that to me about my white walls being bland?  I was so happy before!  Now it’s all I can think about!”

She backpedals quickly, “Oh, it’s not that big a deal.  The walls are fine.  I didn’t really mean that you should do anything about it.”

I shout, “You sent me paint swatches!”

“Oh, did I?” she asks innocently.

“Um, yeah Remember your thank you note:  ‘Thanks for the visit.  Great to see you and the family.  Check out these samples — Riviera Sand would look great in the family room, but you need something darker in the dining room like Mocha Frappe.  Here are a couple reds to consider for the Kitch–‘

“OK, OK!” she interrupts.  “It was just a suggestion.”  I can feel her pouting through the phone.

“Well, don’t suggest!  Keep your suggestions to yourself!  I was living in perfect harmony before you and your big mouth mentioned the damn paint color!  And I’m not about to spend a bunch of money and uproot my whole household to repaint this whole two-story house when the white walls are absolutely fine just as they are!”

(The painters arrive on Tuesday.)

— Darcy Perdu

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(How about you?  Has anyone said something to you that seemed insignificant to them but bugged the heck out of you?  Any hotel visits or home decor projects that drove you crazy?  Share your funny moments in the Comments Section!)

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7 replies on “Funny Design Advice (aka “Gonna Smack My Sister”)

  1. Trixie said:

    So then…I’m visiting my sister and we are having an amazing time all week: laughing, drinking, site-seeing, playing games…and the whole week I’m there the white walls in her beautiful home are screaming at me, “We are white, we are white, we are ALL WHITE!”

    Everywhere I look I see polar bears in the snow, glasses of milk, ghosts, marshmallows, toilet paper…you get the gist. Her house is white. So, being the thoughtful, caring sister that I am, I politely mention that perhaps she might consider adding a little color to her walls when she has some spare time and if she, you know, feels like it. And, then when I get home I mail her a few paint swatches of colors that I think would enhance the attractiveness of her home and its charming décor because, you know, I’m just trying to help, right? And, you know what happens? She starts a website and writes a story about it for all the world to see!

    By the way, Darcy, have you noticed that the L key on your computer keyboard sticks a little? Hope that doesn’t bug you…! :-)

    Your loving sister, Trixie

  2. Kate said:

    I know what you mean about people mentioning something ends up really bugging you. Right before I saw The Four Musketeers movie, someone told me that it was made entirely of leftover footage from The Three Musketeers movie! I spent the whole movie trying to figure out how that could be — and it totally ruined the movie for me!

  3. mossum said:

    When I was about 16, my mom came home from a visit to her recently wedded, 18 year old niece. As I was puttering around the kitchen, my mom (off-handedly? innocently?) said, “I was really impressed by the way Suzie moved around her kitchen. Everything she did was so… efficient!”

    I am now 54 and I don’t think there’s been one time I haven’t wondered, while I’m cooking in my own kitchen, if my movements are… efficient.

  4. Julie said:

    Oh dear, the power of suggestion! I really have to pee, don’t you?

  5. Same problem as the gal who told you that you didn’t seem like a hair and make-up kind of person when you were helping out with the play.

    My youngest sister would constantly correct my older brother and me when we mispronounced a word. He referred to the venomous snake, the krait, as a “crate” she told him the correct pronunciation was “Krite.”

    Whenever we were around her for years after that we would start up a conversation about “Crates.”

    Sometimes you don’t have to curse them or kill them. Sometimes you can bore the pure hell out of them by repeating your own boring remarks…..over and over.
    Ben Swilley recently posted..How to Shop With the Whackos- Christmas 2013 – Athens, GeorgiaMy Profile

    • that’s genius! whenever someone corrects me from now on, I’ll just “accidentally” keep making the same mistake around them! sure to drive them batty!