That Dirty Little Traitor!

That Dirty Little TraitorSo then…she gently adjusts my bib and slowly reclines the plush leather chair, so I can more easily see the ceiling-mounted TV.

Tina, the new hygienist, hands me the remote and recommends a few shows to watch while she cleans my teeth.

We have a lovely time together. She has a light touch, so I barely notice her work while I surf the shows. Occasionally, she asks if certain areas are a little sore or tender – or commiserates that it’s hard to reach those out-of-the-way places with the toothbrush.

She’s quick to dab my mouth if a little water spills out – frequently checks to ensure I’m not in any discomfort — and telepathically anticipates my every need – a cup of water to rinse, an increase in TV volume during the polishing, a sympathetic ear.

We share a laugh or two about the shows – and enjoy some small talk.

Tina is truly a pleasant, thoughtful hygienist. I feel safe and comfortable here with her.

Then the dentist enters.

Tina immediately announces: “Patient has gum erosion in bicuspid 3; exposed root on canine 2, and two cavities in rear molars.”


What’s exposed? What’s eroding?

First of all – “Patient?” What the hell, Tina? We’ve been besties for 45 minutes now – on a first name basis – Darcy and Tina – Tina and Darcy – and now all of a sudden, I’m just an impersonal noun to you? We bonded over the Rachel-Ross relationship fiasco in that vintage Friends episode! I confided my OWN relationship fiasco to you, Tina! We compared artichoke dip recipes! And now – sob – I’m just “Patient” to you?

Second of all, don’t rat me out to the dentist! Those sore and tender moments were PRIVATE between us! He don’t need to know ‘bout none a’ my “gum erosion and exposed root” all up in here! Girl, you trippin! You KNOW he gonna make me deal with that sh*t if you TELL him about it! Keep it on the down low, sister!

Do I go tellin’ him about all your dirty little secrets? No, I do not.

I don’t even know what your secrets are – but I can sure as hell make some up right now if you gon’ play dat way.

(How ‘bout I tell him you don’t change gloves between patients! You steal dental floss! You sneak into the office at night with your boyfriend to get high on nitrous and have hot wild animal sex! in the leather dental chairs! while wearing dental masks!)

Don’t make me get creative, girl!

I shoot her a look of abject loathing for her treachery – mingled with the wounded look of betrayal for our doomed fleeting friendship.

She returns a cool gaze.

The dentist raises his eyebrows expectantly; no doubt wondering about my response to the heinous accusations hurled my way.

I sputter, “Well, that Tina’s a big fat Tattle Tale, Dr. Porter. I wouldn’t trust a word she says.”

He laughs good-naturedly and rolls his chair over for a closer look.

He confirms her claims and asks me to book a follow-up appointment (to deal with all the apparent calamities occurring in my mouth).

I delicately tiptoe over to pick up my purse, avoiding eye contact with my former bestie – hating myself for realizing I’ll request her for my next cleaning since she’s so gentle and skilled – and knowing in my heart that she’ll sell me out at the drop of a hat. Damn you, Tina — damn you.

— Darcy Perdu

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(Have you ever bonded with someone, only to be surprised when they act all official? Did the friendly ticket taker refuse to let you take your own food into the movies? Did the cable guy rat you out for “sharing” your neighbor’s cable wires? Did the giggling child who secretly shared a snack with you suddenly announce to everyone that you ate 5 cookies before supper? Share your tales of betrayal and woe, my friends. Add your funny dental stories too. We shall plan our vengeance together!)
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67 replies on “That Dirty Little Traitor!

  1. Holy crap, I so must have some nitrous induced animal sex with the wife now!! See if you can get me a hook up with Tina.

    I once drank many beers with a guy at a liquor store and became all chummy one afternoon before declaring that I was off to walk (it’s maybe 3/4 a mile) to the Cardinal’s game. He tells me to hold on and that he’d give me a ride in his car since it was just down the road on his way. The car was a cab and he charged me a fare!! Jerkwad.
    donofalltrades recently posted..Finish the sentence friday again. you tube clips so that’s cool, right?My Profile

    • Don, that is hilarious! I can’t believe that guy charged you cab fare – that’s classic!

    • Lizzi, you crack me up — and since you live in the UK, you just confirmed the British dental stereotype!! :o)

  2. LoL never trust the people at the dentist :P jk don’t worry I’ve had cavities too and have had to deal with it.. it’s so uncomfortable! how can you even have a decent conversation with someone when your mouth is incapable of being used? It’s ok I think Tina sounds nice she’s just probably a little suck up. :) Have a great one Darcy! -Iva
    AwesomelyOZ recently posted..Happy Thanksgiving: 7 Cross-Cultural Variations of Giving ThanksMy Profile

  3. Judy said:

    Never, never fall for that we’re-in-this-together-palsy-walsy schtick amongst service personnel. They’ll rat you out every time.

    My story is at work we had a yard sale to raise money for charity. I brought in stuff from home to sell including this horribly ugly glass bluebird hubby bought me once. My boss was looking through the stuff I brought and commented on the bird and I told him how it was a misguided present from my husband and I was so glad to get rid of it and shh.., don’t tell him. Later the husband showed up to see how our shindig was going and of course my boss had to point out some special things for sale including that glass bluebird! I felt so betrayed. Hubby didn’t bat an eye and nothing was ever said but it really changed the relationship between my boss and I. I made sure to never, never mention anything personal near him again.

    • That bastard! He deserves to be bonked on the head with the ugly glass bluebird!!

  4. I’m afraid I had to act professional a few times. The heart break I saw in my clients’ eyes when I had to stop being “Momma” at work hurt me as much as them. NO more Ms. Nice Lady. You broke the rules now you are banned for 3 hours. Nah…I don’t miss it.
    Marie Boomer recently posted..Ninety-EightMy Profile

    • Yikes! I don’t want to be banned for 3 hours. Not sure what you’re banning people from, but I don’t want to be banned! :o)

  5. HA!! That was good! Did you know I have to pop three Xanax bars before I see the dentist? I black out the ENTIRE day and Partner has to babysit me….hmmm…maybe there’s a blog post in that somewhere.
    Cary recently posted..Elvis Takes a DumpMy Profile

    • Thank God you have Partner to babysit you when you’re zonked out for dental appointments! I’d be paranoid the dentist would have his way with me — or WORSE, would mock my outfit and hairstyle!

  6. Paul said:

    Gasp! The Traitor! Darcy, you are a woman of great restraint. If it had been me, I’m not sure I could have resisted morphing into The Blue Octopus, grabbing the little Traitor by the legs with my giant blue tentacles, turning her upside-down and shaking her; all the while shouting “How does it feel to have your bestie turn on you?!?!” Mind you, you likely would have had to find a new dentist (at least a new hygienist), so it was probably just as well that you bit your tongue and endured the turncoat (if not in complete silence).

    You know, most people regard dentists as a sort of necessary evil but that is not always the case. Dentists have other uses for their skills that many don’t appreciate. Let me give you a true example, as it was told to me by my dentist. It was a sunny summer Friday afternoon when I begrudgingly dragged my feet into my dentist for the repair of a small cavity. It turns out that one of the rewards for being hated by so many people is that you get Fridays off. Sigh. If only I weren’t such a nice guy, I too could have a four day week. At first I was jubilant – I get to leave the dentist without any pain! But no such luck. There was a young new dentist, Julie, who was filling (pardon the pun) in. She was a very beautiful young woman with a great smile (good advertizing) and a suspicious glint in her eye. She led me to the dreaded chair like a lamb to slaughter, and I even followed her willingly. I was her only patient at the time so while we waited for the freezing to take affect, we chatted. I complimented her on the small diamond that winked from the side of her nose. She gave her big grin and thanked me. It turns out that her younger sister Karen, a lawyer, also had admired the piercing and wanted one as well. The problem was that Karen was very afraid of the pain of the piercing. So, Julie, being the warm, considerate, devious person she was, told her sister to make the piercing appointment (in the same mall) and come to see her 15 minutes before the appointment. When Karen showed up at Julie’s office prior to the piercing, Julie showed her to a treatment chair, tipped the chair back for comfort, and froze the end of Karen’s nose. Karen proceeded to her appointment and is probably one the very few who has ever had a nose piercing without a bit of pain.

    By the time Julie’s story was finished, so was my filling and much to my surprise, the story had so distracted me that I had felt nothing. See, both stories and dentists have amazing superpowers that we’ve only begun to discover!

    • A frozen nose prior to a piercing? That’s genius! I should have employed that method for my tween’s ear lobes when she got her ears pierced! She desperately wanted pierced ears, but it took her an hour and a half in the store before she could summon enough courage to agree to the actual piercing! Even 5-year-olds were walking by, telling her it’s a piece of cake! And yes OF COURSE one of her ears became infected a few weeks later, so that piercing has closed up. So maybe I should take her for a little dentist visit before the re-piercing!!

      • Julie said:

        OMG. PAUL YOU ARE SO FUNNY! pick her up with a tentacle and shake her upside down! mmmpphhh! :)

        My best friend’s mom was a nurse and she gave me a shot of novocaine in each earlobe before she jammed a needle thru em!

        • I agree — Paul is hilarious! Hopefully he’s working on a graphic novel of the Adventures of the Blue Octopus. I’m ready to pose for the cover shoot. Meanwhile, I can’t believe your friend’s mom gave you a shot of novocaine before the ear piercing — that’s quite brilliant!!

  7. BWAH HA HA HA!! I am DYING laughing!! The whole “Tina and Darcy” part made me almost spit out my water on my keyboard! This was awesome!! :)-Ashely

    • You Dose Girls were the first to say I made you spit YooHoo on your keyboards, so that is always my goal! Liquid projectiles at tech devices! :o)

    • All part of my master plan, William…. mwhoohahaha!

  8. Once in eigth grade I was made to participate in a science fair and at our first meeting the teachers asked us to get to know each other a little bit. This one girl and I bonded and became instant besties and we told each other too much. Only she was smart. When asked to tell the entire group something about our new friends, she announced to everyone that I have a secret crush! I trusted her!!
    Xae recently posted..Do You Take Your Morning Coffee with Sugar? Creamer?…Fruit Fly?My Profile

    • Holy Cow! Kick that girl out of the Besties Club ASAP! Can’t believe she announced that!

  9. My hygienist actually *is* my friend…our kids go to school together! We’ve gone on double dates with our husbands, etc…so imagine how violated I feel when *she* rats me out for having tartar built up?! It’s devastating! (And…dude…why doesn’t my dentist have TVs on the ceiling? I want a ceiling TV to pass the time!) Now I feel cheated as well as ratted out! –Lisa

    • What? You and your hygienist double date? I’m calling Tina right now!!
      And yes, the TVs are awesome! Makes the invasive work much less stressful when you can zone out with TV shows and movies. Tell your dentist to get on that!

  10. Julie said:

    See?? That is almost exactly why I have decided to boycott the dentist! Except the hygienists at where I go use giant icepicks to jab away at my exposed gums and barbed wire to floss. Then they note that I am bleeding and that I should really get some sort of deep scale tissue cleaning. A wonderful torture that takes two possibly 3 visits due to the terrible shape I am in…

    You are so funny, Darcy! I love how you went all “hood” even if it was only in your head. And calling her a tattle tale? and the lies you made up? ROTFLMAO!!! OMG are you sure we were not separated at birth? Seriously I could probably convince my children I wrote this one Darcy!

    • Yikes! I hate when they say you need to come back for a couple of visits!! Ominous…
      And yes, we were separated at birth! We are long-lost sisters! And I need to borrow $5000. And since we’re family

      • Julie said:

        Sure! Of Course! Is $5000 enough? Lemme get the checkbook….

    • Amen, sister! Especially if they have access to dental drills.

      (And P.S., Bloggess, I love you. You are my blogging idol. Oh what the hell– you’re my idol period!)

  11. April said:

    Sorry! I am the traitor!

    But you see, I work in community corrections, and sometimes the clients *think* we are wonderful friends. But suddenly, they don’t think they have to follow the rules, so now, instead of cheery “how’s it going” April, I have to be mean “Turn your shit around or you’re going back to jail” April

    • Holy Crap, April! I hope we never meet in a professional capacity!
      I would totally think “cheerful friendly April” would look the other way if I missed a couple parole meetings or knocked off the occasional convenience store. Yikes! I can see you ain’t playin’!

    • Thanks, Kathy! Hope we get to grab coffee at a conference some time!

  12. Shirley said:

    I gotta know- did you really tell the doctor Tina was a tattle tale? And what a Blabber McBlabbypants Blabberific Smith! I hate when people act all nice, then go and do their stupid JOB CORRECTLY on you! Like, I thought we were friends! Whatever… Like when I offered the plumber cookies and we had a nice chat about our kids and then he goes and tells me I have a thousand dollar pipe problem? Really Dan? I thought we were closer than that. ;)

    • Damn that Dan! He should have deducted at least $8.50 for the cookies from his $1000 bill!
      And yes, I did tell the dentist that Tina was a big fat Tattle Tale! But he just laughed — and TOTALLY SIDED with Tina! (And apparently by his own visual exam of my teeth. But still — is my word worth nothing?) Yes. Apparently, yes.

  13. Paul said:

    Talking about going “All Official”, I watched one day as a scenario unfolded in front of my eyes that my little naïve view of the world was totally not expecting. It was a lesson. My lady friend had a bestie who owned a high end Bridal Boutique in a small community outside Ottawa. It was a destination Boutique for brides who wanted only the best; they were wined, flattered, fitted, primped, congratulated, and complimented. The service was impeccable and the prices reflected it. We dropped by one Saturday afternoon to meet the bestie and go out for drinks as soon as she closed for the day. We were a few minutes early and she offered us a cup of tea in her office while she closed up. The phone rang and she entered the office to answer it. Our side of the phone conversation went this way: “Oh, Hi Jane, yes your gown is in and you can make an appointment for fitting any time next week. [Pause] Really? Oh my. Please give my condolences to the family. Yes, yes, I can certainly understand why you might want to call off the wedding with the groom’s Mother passing away so unexpectedly. For sure, your deposit is refundable – all you have to do is fax me a copy of her death certificate and I will forward the cheque to you immediately. Oh, that won’t be possible? Well then thank you very much for your business and please drop by when you intend to proceed with the ceremony. We will require a new deposit at that time. Oh, you’ve decided to go ahead anyway – even with the funeral? Yes, yes, of course that’s fine. We’ll see you for the final fitting next Tuesday at 3:00 o’clock. Thank you for your business, Jane, and I’ll see you Tuesday.”

    Yikes! When she got off the phone I had to ask: “Would you really charge her the deposit when there was death in the family?” She laughed: “No of course not. But no one died. I get that excuse at least once a week when the bride decides she wants a dress from another shop and tries to get her deposit back. I used to feel bad for them until I caught on. Now I just ask for a death certificate and Surprise! – the wedding goes ahead as planned.”

    • omigosh, that’s amazing! It’s so surprising that the brides would try to wiggle out of their dress deposits by faking a death in the family! And the shop owner handled it so smoothly and beautifully — she played that bride like a fiddle!

  14. Oh that made me lol and cry at the same time… it’s so true. Unfortunately, I know the feeling all too well.

    Don’t worry, I’d never do anything like this to you Darcy – I feel like through reading your stories we’re besties too!

    Colleague: “Hey man, what you doing.”

    Me: “Nothing much, just leaving a comment for this blogger who has gum erosion in bicuspid 3; exposed root on canine 2, and two cavities in rear molars.”

    Colleague: “cool, wanna grab a coffee”

    Me: “Sure”

    • LOL, Javvad — as I read your comment, it hit me that I just announced my dental issues to the world! TMI! Let’s hope I’m not as candid about my upcoming ob/gyn exam!

      • Paul said:

        I would’t hold my breath. After all, you actually won an AWARD for your last boobie exam. I think that’s what started it all – the positive public reinforcement and adulation for bodily inspections (my favorite was The Weed in your Lady Garden). We’ve created a Monster (and I don’t mean The Blue Octopus, because she is hot, sexy and powerful and not at all monsterly [is that a word?]).

        • Oh my God, Paul — you are RIGHT! I DID share a funny story about the time my boobie got trapped in the mammogram machine and a fire broke out! I forgot about that! So yes, you ARE correct — I probably WOULD divulge the details of my next ob/gyn exam! ha! Stay tuned! :o)

    • ha! yes! mine have not yet learned the fine art of “selective disclosure” — be cool, kids, be cool!

      • Stephanie said:

        My daughter feels the need to tell people “we don’t like to have people over for dinner because our house is messy” gee. Thanks kid.

  15. Because the dentist is my NIGHTMARE, this story has made me hug myself and rock back and forth. And YOU GET TO WATCH TV IN YOUR DENTIST CHAIR?? Seriously, where do you live? I’m in Minnesota — I’ll drive to your dentist if it means I get to watch ‘Friends’ to distract me. It might even get me to go more than once every 3 years.
    Loved this!

    • ha! actually my dentist has the cooooolest office — it’s all white and modern with all the latest gleaming equipment — and the doors to each exam room swish open automatically like something on the Starship Enterprise! He has ceiling-mounted TVs AND equipment-mounted Ipads — both with remotes so you can watch movies or TV shows — it’s awesome! Sometimes they finish the dental work, but my show isn’t over yet, so I start making stuff up so I can stay longer — “is this tooth loose? I think there’s some sneaky plaque hiding in the back? look around a bit…”

  16. Darcy, you truly crack me up.
    Here’s what happened to me. I took a psychology course in my first year of college. As part of the class we had to partake in studies being conducted by the older students. So I sign up. I go in. I sit down and wait in a hallway to be called in. A cute guy was waiting there too. We talk and flirt for ten minutes. Then we both get called into a room and we are asked to write down answers to a few questions which happen to be about our impressions of each other. Next we were asked to swap papers. He was an ASS. Said he thought I was naive, stupid and living in a dream world. After that we were separated. I was given a button to push whenever the scenario that was being presented on a screen caused me to feel anger. With an embarrassed and wounded heart, I sat there and never pushed that damn button. I figured the least I could do was F up their study and not take out my emotions on someone else, which was exactly what I believed they were after. Ha!!! In the end I was told that Mr. Cute was part of the study all along. I hope I screwed up their numbers.

    • That jerky-jerk! I would pushed that button right into Mr. Cute’s nose!

  17. We enjoyed your Story, Darcy. My Dentist (and Hygenist) were Very Kind to me–– especially Since I am a Young Teddy Bear! They explained Everything and the Flossing only Hurt a Little. Then I Got a Hershy Kiss!
    If your Young Kids want to See what a Dental Visit Looks Like… Visit our Photo-Story…
    Ryan Lorenc-Haluska recently posted..–Gulp…!My Profile

    • thanks, Ryan, great photos — I bet Amy didn’t tattle tale on you to Dr. Elza! :o)

    • Paul said:

      Propaganda! All Propaganda! Posted no doubt by a young aspiring dentist in order to increase her customer base. You see, they all meet late at night in an undisclosed location to figure out ways to dupe us about how painless their treatment is. They scheme and rub their hands together in glee when a new suggestion is tabled. They couldn’t bear to be found out and are bearly able to hide their excitement. I am not sure I can bear their dupliciousness without crying out with bearly controlled angst. I do not wish to bear the repercussions of publically outing their bearly disguised schemes but I can no longer bear the pressure of hiding the truth. Do not believe their bear faced lies! No matter how cute their spokesperson is. That bear is a paid actor working for the bear faced lying dental society. It really does bear scrutiny. Ha! Take that, you bear exploiters!

      • Ryan, please ignore Paul’s bear-ly disguised anti-bear rant. You are a delightful bear, spreading goodness and light throughout the cyberworld, helping youngsters view life in a non-threatening, easy-to-understand way. Paul, on the other hand, is a merry prankster/uber-psycho. Pay him no never mind. I’m shipping him some dentist-approved nitrous right now to calm him down from his anti-bear outburst. You are free to roam the interwebs once more.

        • Paul said:

          Yum! Nitrous! When can I expect it? I can bearly wait!

  18. Stephanie said:

    I once was doing a promotion for a liquor company at a liquor store that happened to be in the town where I grew up. After chatting with the liquor store owner about people we both know, and going into the back of the store for a little soccer lesson, and even sharing his cookies with me that the firehouse sub guy brought over, he shared stories of his marriage, we talked about my childhood crushes, and even became facebook friends!

    Jump to a week later, and the girl who books me for the liquor promos tells me that he told her I did not come prepared with my own table for display. Not only THAT, but my childhood crush calls me up and ASKS IF I HAD A CRUSH ON HIM!! I had not spoken to ANYONE recently about him so there was only ONE obvious culprit. Humf. I thought we really had a bond.

    • Zoinks! That liquor store owner is NOT to be trusted! I can’t believe he shared stories and cookies and soccer playing with you, then ratted you out to the booker that you didn’t have a table — and then apparently ratted you out to your childhood crush too! Yikes! I hope you didn’t tell that guy any state secrets, cuz he leaks like a sieve!!!

      • Stephanie said:

        He actually used to be a part of the UK’s highest ranking military! I sure hope they didn’t trust him with anything top secret! It should be noted, that the next time I worked that promotion, I called him out about the childhood crush. And he strongly denied being the informant. I don’t believe him.

        • I don’t believe him either! Bring out the waterboard!