Your NOISY Work is Bothering Me

Funny - Your Noisy Work is Bothering Me
So then…I complain to my friends, in a completely loving way, of course, that my husband simply sits in the family room watching TV while I clean the kitchen.

“I’m particularly noisy as I load the dishwasher – practically banging pots and pans – in the hopes that the noise will alert him that work is being done here! helllooo! – and that he should get up and come help,” I say.

Kate laughs at my naiveté.

Mindy nods in sympathy and takes a swig of her margarita.

Sherry says, “I do the same thing when I come home with the groceries and my husband is watching TV. I open the cabinets a little too hard, jerk open the drawers, crinkle the bags, and slam down the canned goods – all in the hopes that he’ll notice I’m putting away the groceries and could use some help.”

I ask, “So does he help?”

“No.” she says. “But he can’t hear the TV that well since I’m making so much noise in the kitchen. So every time this happens, he just tilts his head slightly, then slooooowly raises his arm to point the remote at the TV to increase the volume.”

“Oh my God! Seriously?” I ask.

“Yes,” Sherry says and laughs ruefully. “And what’s worse is that it never occurs to him that he’s rude for not helping me with the groceries! He actually thinks I’m being inconsiderate by making so much noise while he’s trying to watch TV! So he’s probably over there congratulating himself for not asking me to be quiet – and patting himself on the back for solving a pesky problem by just increasing the TV volume!”

Oh, dear. On that note, we all take a sip of our margaritas.

— Darcy Perdu

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(Do you ever do tasks in a NOISY way – or toss in a couple sighs – to inspire your spouse or kids to come help? Does it work? What are your family’s favorite ways to AVOID helping around the house or yard? Share in the Comments!)
Funny - Your Noisy Work is Bothering Me

What the Hell Is He TALKING About?

Red Lamp
So then…David and I eat breakfast at the kitchen table.

David: Did you see that detective show the other day?

Me: The one with the red lamp?

David: Yeah.

Me: Yeah, what about it?

David: That’s all.

Me: That’s all? What do you mean: “That’s all?” Why did you bring it up?

David: I was trying to make small talk.

Me: And that was it? “Did you see a TV show the other day?” “Yeah.” “OK.”  That was it? You didn’t have any follow-up planned? What kind of small talk is that?

David (laughing): Pretty small, I guess.

— Darcy Perdu

(Ever run out of conversation topics with your mate? Who’s best at small talk at your house? What’s your lamest conversation-opener?  Any tips on a great way to get the dialogue going?  Share in the Comments Section.)

What the Hell is He TALKING About P Small

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Ménage à Trois ALREADY?

When you're minding your own business at the playground and your son suddenly asks you a bizarre question, what do YOU say!?  #funny #parenting #kids #humor

So then…Tucker slides down the playground slide and lands with a satisfactory thud in the dirt. He beams and scrambles up the ladder to repeat the rush of the freefall.

I grin at this darling 4-year-old in all his glory this sunny afternoon.

After one more whoosh and a thud, he runs over to plop on the ground next to me and grab a handful of grapes. Such purity and innocence of a carefree child.

“Mommy, can a man marry another man?”

Huh? Suddenly all my senses are on alert, clutching for the politically correct answer for my 4-year-old. Where did this question come from? Maybe one of the kids at preschool has two daddies?

I need to give correct info – but not overwhelm him with too much info. I can’t imagine he’s expecting me to delineate the intricate issues involved in a same-sex marriage political debate. I settle for something simple.

“Well, honey, in some states, yes, it’s possible for a man to marry another man. But in any state, if two people love each other, they should feel free to be together.”

Tucker grabs a cracker with his pudgy little hand.

“Can a man marry another man and another woman?” he asks.

Uh-oh. Where did he hear about ménage à trois? Good grief. What’s going on at that pre-school?

“Um, no, honey, not really. Usually a marriage is just between two people. Why?”

He furrows his brow and looks up at me wistfully. “Because when I grow up, I want to marry you and Daddy and live with you guys forever.”

Oh.My.God. Melt my pea-pickin’ little heart.

— Darcy Perdu

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(OK, your turn — share a bizarre question from your kid – or a heartwarming moment – OR details about your latest ménage à trois. Your choice.)

Quick! Insert Two Cups of Margaritas!

When I asked my neighbor for advice, he totally cracked me up  with the description of his wife!  #funny #marriage #humor

So then…I kick the dishwasher. And the dishwasher is singularly unimpressed.

So I hop online and send an email to some of my friends in the neighborhood:

Dear Neighbors:
Did this happen to any of you when the power went out yesterday? When it came back on, my dishwasher now makes an odd persistent ringing noise.  The “reset” button won’t work, nor did unplugging and plugging it back in. If you have advice (or a dishwasher repair guy), please let me know! Otherwise we’ll have to wash dishes by hand! Gasp! Thanks, Darcy

A few people send me names of repairmen; then I receive this priceless email from my neighbor Dan:

My dishwasher makes an extremely annoying and persistent noise every time she washes the dishes…it started well before the power went out the other day, but certainly got worse during those hours…

Whereas yours makes an “odd persistent ringing noise,” mine makes more of an “incessant whining and bitching noise” that sounds more like: “Why do you always have to use so many dishes??…..Why can’t you bring your dishes to the sink??…..Why can’t you ever wash the dishes as well as I do??…..”

She was working fine when I first got her, but sometime right after I got married, the noise began…unfortunately there’s no way to unplug mine either…

Sorry I can’t help on yours, but any advice on dealing with mine would be greatly appreciated!!
– Dan

I crack up because I know Dan and his wife Tina — and they’re both very funny.

I write back:
Omigosh, Dan, I literally laughed out loud when I read your email! And yes, I do have advice on how to deal with the “incessant whining and bitching noise” emanating from your dishwasher. Buy your dishwasher a dozen roses and a gourmet meal at a restaurant so there are no dishes she has to wash — then watch the kids for a whole day so your dishwasher can lunch with pals, see a chick flick, have a massage, then enjoy a manicure for those poor wrinkled dishwasher hands of hers! – Darcy

Darcy, I tried that already…it worked REALLY well that night, but was back to the same malfunction the next day…
– Dan

You slay me!! If you want to keep your dishwasher running smoothly, insert 2 cups of frozen margaritas daily!
– Darcy

(When I share these emails with a friend, she says: “First of all, tell him the thing to insert isn’t a margarita!”)

— Darcy Perdu

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(Ever have any appliance (or spouse) malfunctions happening at YOUR house?)