She’s SO Wrong – But Oh, How I WISH She Weren’t!

So funny!  My tween suddenly discovers a SHOCKINGLY HARSH TRUTH!   #ohtobeyoung!  #humor #college #weight #sothenstories

So then…she pops a Parmesan Bread Bite in her mouth and says, “I’m so mad!”

I pop a couple Bites myself and ask, “Why?”

“Well,” says my tween daughter Chloe, “You know how everyone talks about the ‘Freshman 15’ that happens in your freshman year of college?”


“Well,” she says, “I just found out it means you GAIN 15 lbs!”

I nearly choke on my soda. “What did you think?!”

“I thought it meant you LOST 15 lbs! I’ve thought that for years! I was so excited!” she says, waving her Bread Bite around. “I had all these plans to pig out the summer before I went to college! I was gonna eat pizza and donuts every day, knowing that I’d lose 15 lbs. as soon as I got there!”

She looks deeply aggrieved, like we’ve all been in on this conspiracy to deliberately mislead her.

I’m dying laughing. Could you imagine?

(If the “Freshman 15” means you LOSE 15 lbs., I’ll enroll in college again right now! Then I’ll deliberately fail all my classes so I can re-enroll as a Freshman every year!)

I smile and shake my head as I gaze upon this crazy little daughter of mine.

She’s actually quite bright, but sometimes she says embarrassingly hilarious things like this that make me wonder if I dropped her on her head too many times as a baby. (How many times? I dunno. Why are you being all judgy?)

But I suppose she comes by it honestly. I remember when I found out everyone in the WHOLE WORLD (except for me) was in on a HILARIOUS, HORRIFYING SECRET!

Yep, we’re two peas in a pod, just tryin’ to navigate the harsh realities of life…one Parmesan Bread Bite at a time…

— Darcy Perdu

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(Did you GAIN or LOSE the “Freshman 15?” Did you or your kids have any similar misperceptions about common sayings or concepts? How many Parmesan Bread Bites can you eat in a single sitting?)

How Facebook Helped Me Dodge a Bullet

Facebook Dodge a BulletSo then…my sister Della urges me for the 52nd time to look up people from the past on Facebook so I can catch up with all my old friends from high school and college.

I tell her that I prefer to think of those people as perennially young, vital, and attractive – rather than glimpse them as their current wrinkled, paunchy, older selves. Like me.

To prove my point, I share with her some emails I recently exchanged with one of my high school friends Liz.

TO: Della (my sister)
FROM: Darcy
Subject: Why It’s Better Not To Know

Della, here’s a good example why I don’t wanna participate in Facebook and School Reunions in general. My high school friend Liz sent me this email:
“The other night there was a happy hour thing for alums of our girls’ high school and the boys’ high school because a guy named Tim “Mac” MacIntyre* was coming into town from Nebraska or somewhere up north. I went, and it was fun and all, but am I supposed to remember this guy? He said he remembered me, and I feel horrible for not knowing him. He was a football player all 4 years & graduated the same time we did. Anyway, do you know him? He has a pic on Facebook if you wanna look him up. Catch me up if you know this guy. –Liz”

So I replied:
Omigosh, Liz, you don’t remember that you lost your virginity to Mac?
And he tattoo-ed your name on his inner thigh!
And you signed a contract that if he ever needed a kidney, you would be first in line to donate.
How could you not remember this guy?
(OK, I don’t remember him at all either. Sorry. I even looked him up on Facebook and didn’t recognize him.)
The only football player I remember was Kevin Riley* who I thought was pretty dreamy — but he was very shy. I asked him to a Sadie Hawkins dance and he declined! I prefer to think he objected to dancing in general, and not to me in particular. But I will never know!
— Darcy

Then Liz sent me this response:
Thanks, and I’m glad I don’t have total amnesia for my high school days! I do have some further scoop on Kevin Riley*. He married a friend of mine and they had 5 kids and then a few years ago, he had some kind of midlife crisis and divorced her and moved in with a younger woman in Texas, last I heard. So, be glad he refused your dance invitation; that could have been you! — Liz

So my dear sister, do you see what I mean? Prior to this email exchange, I had fondly recalled Kevin as that dreamy football player who was so shy, that most other girls didn’t notice him, but I had a crush on him. And in my mind, he was young and cute and muscular — and represented a cool “what if” fantasy if he HAD said yes to the Sadie Hawkins dance.

But NOW I picture him as some plump, balding, desperate middle-aged man having a midlife crisis and being such a jerk that he dumped his wife and 5 kids to run off to Texas with some cheap young floozy.

THIS is Why It’s Better Not to Know.

My sister Della responds:
OR…maybe his wife was a pyromaniac, kleptomaniac, nymphomaniac shrew who stole things, set fires, and slept with his friends — and he is still dreamy, cute and muscular, but he had to leave for the safety of his children. Jeez — Why do you always think the worst of people?

(But you still dodged a bullet — ‘cuz he’s got FIVE kids. Who needs that hassle?)
— Della

(*not their real names, by the way, to protect their identities!)

Ha!  Indeed, sister, indeed!  Who needs that hassle?  Better the Texas floozy than me!

— Darcy Perdu

(Any Facebook posts or Reunion events where you discovered your crush has not aged well – or hasn’t turned out the way you thought? How about that mean girl in gym class – what happened to her? Anyone who HAS held up surprising well – or turned out really nicely? Share updates on your classmates in the Comments Section below; just protect their identities!)

How Facebook Helped Me Dodge a Bullet P Small