MY Red Lace Panties on HER Head?

Hilarious Story about how MY Red Lace Panties Ended Up on HER Head!  #funny  #bra  #panties  #shopping  #fashion

So then…she says, “Maybe black lace? Or something colorful? Purple?”

“I don’t know – maybe,” I respond. “But I do need a whole new wardrobe of unmentionables. It’s been so long since I’ve been bra and panty shopping – mine are falling apart!”

“Yeah,” says Melissa. “But I hate bra shopping. Such a pain.”

We’re in our 20s with fairly slim figures, but shopping for bras or swimsuits are always the worst excursions, regardless of your age or size. Too many options — and it’s a hassle to keep squeezing into tight garments for the right fit.

We walk the few short blocks from our Park Avenue office to the Lord & Taylor department store on Fifth Avenue and 39th. It’s a lovely store and soon we are knee-deep (tits-deep?) in bras of every shape, color, and size.

Melissa only needs a couple items, but my shopping bag is packed with several bras and even more panties. I’m stunned by the total cost. Why is it — the less the fabric, the higher the price?

We have just enough time to zip into the pizza place on the corner before returning to the office.

We order our slices and sodas at the counter, then join the throngs crammed together into the little tables and chairs. I pop up a couple times for napkins and soda refills.

When we’re done, I reach beneath the table for my Lord & Taylor shopping bag.

It’s gone.


We look everywhere but it’s clearly been nicked while we were eating.

How infuriating!

Not only did I spend a sizeable chunk of this week’s pay on the aforementioned unmentionables – but I wasted an hour trying on a million bras to find the exact right fit in a variety of styles and colors.

“I can’t believe I didn’t even notice anyone stealing my shopping bag! How could I not see someone walking off with it?” I ask.

Melissa says, “It’s New York! We’re all squished in here — plus there are bag ladies coming in and out of this place all the time. One of them probably just picked it up and added it to her other bags and kept walking.”

A bag lady?

This distresses me even more. At least a professional thief-junkie would return the undergarments to the store with the receipt — and get cash back for some crack or smack.

But a bag lady would probably just wear the expensive bras on the outside of her flak jacket – and my new red lace panties on her head.

From that point forward, as I’m walking in the city, I’m on high alert look-out for my bras and panties in case I see any of them gracing the outerwear of the city’s bag ladies – with price tags still attached.

I picture myself doling out dollars amongst the street dwellers, seeking intel: “Psst hey, have you seen anyone sporting a scoop neckline lavender lace bra with reinforced straps? How about zebra design panties with a black side bow? No? OK, keep your eyes open, doll. I’m on a mission here.”

— Darcy Perdu

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(Do you detest bra/panty/swimsuit shopping as much as I do? Ever have something stolen right out from under you? Any New York City stories?  I love to read your comments!)

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14 replies on “MY Red Lace Panties on HER Head?

  1. Oh WOW! Of all the things to steal, they stole your precious underwear that you so desperately needed :O
    I hope whoever stole it was hoping for something else and was disappointed.
    I’d totally cry if someone stole my new underwear :'(

  2. I know it is considered alright to try them on over your own underwear but I can never bring myself to do this, so I guess what will fit. The problem with guessing is I have had to give heaps of bras and panties away over the years because they did not fit.
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  3. I hate bras. I was a late bloomer. I didn’t really have the need for any bras until after I had kids. In Norway it was perfectly okay not to wear any bras, unless you needed it. Nobody could care less what I wore or didn’t wear under my clothes up here. Then I came to live in Ohio as an Exchange Student for a year. My host mother almost had a heart attack when she found out I did not own a single bra and never had. She threw a fit and told me that unless I got myself a proper bra, I could not leave her house and definitely not come with them to church – which was mandatory.

    We spent an entire day of pure agony in the biggest mall within half a day’s drive, trying to find a bra that was small enough for me. Finally one of the assistants found one for me in the children’s department…

    I don’t have problems finding one that fits anymore, but I still don’t like them. They itch, they’re tight, and they have a habit of collecting crumbs and whatnot.
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  4. This is such a tragic story! But funnily tragic. Tragicomic? Regardless, thanks for sharing. It’s kind of nice to think of bag ladies with a little extra lingerie pizzazz.

  5. Kristin said:

    SERIOUSLY?!?!?! Someone stole your brand new unmentionables? Now they are probably on the black market of black lace.

  6. Oh, the horror! Bra shopping is the worst…takes forever and a day. And, now, to go back for a replacement you’ll never remember which size you had in which color or which fit because they are always different. And, like you said, the cost is unbelievable… I think that’s why so many of us make ours last as long as possible. I’ve only been to NYC twice and I was so warned about people stealing like that…nothing like Maine… Sorry that happened to you!

  7. Mark said:

    That’s just one of the horrors of living in NYC… needing underwear.

    Too bad you didn’t live/work in New Jersey at the time. No real Jersey chick wears underwear.

  8. Tina said:

    I keep reading “join the throngs” as “join the thongs”….lol

  9. Judy said:

    When I was in college someone stole all my panties out of the wash. They were ALL my panties except the ones I was wearing because I waited until absolutely necessary to do laundry. I kept waiting to see them hanging out the window of some boys’ dorm but never did. I went out and bought more panties. Oddly I must wear all my panties about equally because from there on out, all my underwear would wear out at the same time, requiring me to have to buy a bunch at once. I was in college over 20 years ago and it is still that way.

  10. Steve J said:

    Funny. The same thing happened to me.

  11. It’s good to know the bag lady has taken a step up in the world of fashion and you have contributed to her education. She also contributed to your education.

    The blog stirred a great memory of the joyful elation I experienced when I first learned how to snap those old hooks they used at one time on bras, between my thumb and finger (just as you would do when snapping your fingers) and the thing would fall loose in my hand exposing stunning, fabulous, marvelous and breath-taking creations (on the front side of the other fumbling participant).

    Now, I think it would be more like work. Just the other day I mentioned a brassiere and my wife said, “Only very old men use that word anymore!” It’s just horrible when you women deflate an ancient ego like that.
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