Oh Deer! On My Lawn! Quick, Pee!

Most Hilarious Way to Repel Wildlife from Your Yard (Clue: Naked Vampires!)  #funny #wildlife #deer #vampire #lawn

So then…my neighbor sends me this photo she took of interlopers on my front lawn.

I respond, “How beautiful! We saw these deer the other night too. How cool that they come right up into my front yard!”

She emails me back: “Yes, they do look wonderfully magnificent, but the damage can be unbelievable. Our other neighbor and I lost all our roses out front 2 years ago from these beautiful animals. If they keep eating from your yard and destroy it, you can purchase coyote urine online – yes, coyote urine — and spray it over your plants to hopefully keep the deer at bay!”

I reply: “Seriously? Coyote urine sounds expensive. Can I just go pee on the plants myself?”

Meanwhile, I send the photo and emails to a couple of my other neighbors who respond with:

Friend 1: “As I scrolled down, I was hoping you had a photo of your urination in the act…”

Friend 2: “My neighbor said that she literally had her son pee on her lawn to try to scare away raccoons — but it only scared away other neighbors!!”

Friend 3: “How exactly does a company collect the coyote urine?”

How indeed?

Are there highly-trained rubber-suited urine collectors who get the coyotes so drunk on cheap beer that the coyotes willingly pee into plastic containers that are packaged and sold to nice suburban families with deer problems? “Come here, coyote. Pee into this cup. No, over here, coyote!”

If so, then my lawn would repel deer.

But wouldn’t it also attract a bunch of coyotes who would smell their brethren’s beer-scented urine? All the coyotes would be like: “Dude – Party House! This place stinks to high heaven – this must be THE place to go craaaazy! Call your cousins – everybody meet at this house tonight. We’re gonna get wiiiiiild!”

Then I’d have a coyote problem. And what kind of urine repels them? Werewolf? Vampire?

Is it even possible to collect urine from a werewolf or a vampire? Have you ever seen Edward or Jake pee? I’ve never once seen True Blood’s Eric or Bill Compton take a bathroom break.

And even if I could collect their pee (as in, “hey vampire, let’s do a bodily fluid swap – a quart of my blood for a quart of your urine”), then my yard would smell like vampire urine – so it would become the frat house for all the vampires to come party, strip, and urinate with abandon.

OK, wait a minute — that might not be so bad, actually.

At least the partying and stripping part.

OK, not sure how I transgressed from deer on my lawn to naked vampires – although to be fair, most of my thought processes do end up thinking about naked vampires – but anyway –

Slate.com says that Bill Graham of Leg Up Enterprises in Lovell, Maine believes he’s the predator-urine baron, claiming control of 90 percent of the U.S. market. He says he gets his pee in keg-party-sized barrels from 10 facilities he doesn’t want to say much about. Bill Graham explains that coyotes in zoos and on farms urinate into areas of their pens that drain into vats, which collect the urine that he packages and sells online.

But really – how do we know he goes to all that trouble?

Maybe Bill Graham himself is just an extremely prolific urinator.
— Darcy Perdu

Deliver the FUNNY right to your inbox twice a week by subscribing HERE!

(Any wild animals visiting your yard or home? Any interesting remedies to repel them? Do YOU think about naked vampires?)

If you smiled -- share it!
If you LAUGHED -- share it TWICE!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CommentLuv badge

19 replies on “Oh Deer! On My Lawn! Quick, Pee!

  1. Judy said:

    I always love your thought-provoking questions at the end of your posts. Let’s see, darn kids on my lawn…. I don’t have a lawn so no problem there. Hubby did start to unbuckle his pants to pee in the cat box when I first bought clumping cat litter. He wanted to see how it worked. I suggested just pouring a bit of water from a glass and he was so disappointed. Naked vampires… why yes, yes I think of them. Are you suggesting that isn’t normal?

  2. Judy S. said:

    Actually, when we lived in the hills of Encino, and the deer were eating our roses, we were advised to purchase a bottle of mountain lion scent from the National Scent Co. We poured a small amount of this onto some rags, tied them to the rose bushes, and never had a deer problem again.

  3. Oh Darcy. How is it that we aren’t best friends? In the 80’s at the beginning of the AIDS Crisis, I wondered why we didn’t hear more about vampires becoming HIV positive. And if they somehow were immune, then we needed to capture them and study them. In much the same way that we study why sharks don’t get cancer. Yes, my brain actually went that far into it.

  4. Mark said:

    Seems to me that Stephen King once wrote about vampire urination (possibly in “The Night Flier”?). I think there was blood in the urine, so I’m not sure what that says about vampire kidneys.

    Regardless, you don’t truly want to repel these majestic animals, you just don’t want them ruining your foliage, right? Instead of coyote urine, mountain lion scent, or chicken wire (laid flat, because deer do not like walking on it) to repel the deer… you should just attract them to your neighbor’s yard! Throw down some corn feed and doe urine in THEIR yard. That way you can view the deer, but not suffer the damage.

  5. I once saw a grown woman squat and pee on a sidewalk. Please believe me we don’t live in the jungle or see wild animals daily in South Africa. This was simply one gross, low-life human being.
    Vivian recently posted..Picking up the donkey’s legMy Profile


    Who even knew there was this whole predator urine business sector?! Fascinating and yet repugnant! (and what if it IS that Bill Graham is just a prolific urinator? Still fascinating and repugnant, I guess)

  7. Mary L. Waitt said:

    Too funny. Love the replies.

  8. predator-urine baron. now that’s something to aspire to.

    love your website. i see we both have a thing for polka-dots, which probably means our souls are connected on another dimension of time and space. or that we like polka-dots because they’re so cute and fun, dammit.

    great meeting you. will gladly provide boosts to the self-esteem.

  9. Kristin the farmer said:

    Well, I don’t I think that using human urine would help, but then again occasionally I see my dad pee, unfortunately, on our farm — and did I say unfortunately, because he’s an old farmer, and you know they just do that — and it doesn’t repel all the coyotes, but we really don’t have any deer so maybe it does work ? I don’t know. Usually a sportsman warehouse type store has mountain lion urine scent.

  10. I think the Acme Co. markets a coyote urine collection device. It allows coyotes to pee while cruising down a desert highway on a set of rocket skates. You know, so they don’t have to pull into a rest area. Not sure how well this product works.
    Brian the Kwyjibo recently posted..High Octane LogicMy Profile

  11. Helen said:

    I have had a couple of deers visiting my yard recently. But as everything is covered in deep snow and they are just eating the apples that they can find under it, it’s ok. They are so awesomely beautiful.
    Not the same sentiment towards the neigbor’s dog though who leaves the yellow patches all over our front yard.

  12. I love your posts. You have so many strange readers. Vivian has set my imagination afire! I had to suddenly envision a grown woman squatting and peeing on a sidewalk. Then flashing, insane memories of all the repulsive things I have seen grown men and women do assailed my broken old mind and almost moved me to tears.

    Don’t you have any normal readers who can gently remind you that vampire urine is not available in the winter months. It is all being sold to homeowners who use it to mask the odor of lion and coyote urine.
    Ben Swilley recently posted..Memory – What Happened to Henery Hawk?My Profile

  13. Phaedra said:

    If you still have the deer problem, I heard that hair clippings stop the deer from eating grass… don’t know if it works on keeping them away, or if it would help with the roses.

    • Thanks for the tip, Bob! I don’t have a kitty though, so not sure how to create “used” kitty litter but we’ll try to get creative over here! :o)