Cop Flat Out Refuses My Offer

Cop Flat Out Refuses My Offer (He is havin' NONE of it -- but WHY?)  #funny #cop #speeding #birthday #cookies #Lent #car #humor

So then…I hear the sirens and instinctively, I know it’s me. Of course it’s me.

And on my 32nd birthday, no less!

I pull over to the side of the road and a young cop approaches my window.

“License and registration, please.”

I root around in the glove compartment for the registration, slip out my driver’s license, and flash him my best sorry-officer-please-just-give-me-a-warning smile.

He goes back to his patrol car, then returns with a quizzical look.

“Your driver’s license address doesn’t match your registration address,” he says.

“Oh, yeah, that’s my old driver’s license. Here’s my new one with my new address,” I say, handing him another one.

Now he’s even more confused.  “This license is signed by Maria Hernandez. Who’s Maria Hernandez?”

“I dunno – maybe the lady in front of me in the DMV line? The DMV must have mixed up the signatures.” I smile helpfully.  “So that’s why I carry both the old and the new ones – so together, ya know–”

“Do you know it’s illegal to carry an expired license?”

“Um, no.”

“And your registration is not even for this car. This registration is for a different car from 2 years ago,” he says, pointing to the slip.

“Oh, yeah, but this is the same exact model. I just leased the same exact kind of car, so the registration should be similar,” I say, using that tone of voice indicating this is really a potato – po-tah-to type of situation.

He smiles, but says, “Sorry — we don’t deal in ‘similars’ – we deal in actuals.

“I’m so sorry, officer. I promise I’ll put the current registration card in the car – and I’ll even go to the DMV to take care of the Maria Gonzalez situation. So is that OK? — can you let me off with a warning?”

“But I didn’t stop you for all that. I stopped you for speeding.”


I see the plate of homemade cookies my co-worker gave me at my birthday lunch today. I move the plate from the passenger seat to the window and say to my nice young cop, “Will you let me bribe you with these delicious homemade cookies my friend gave me?”

He laughs and says, “Sorry, I gave up sugar for Lent.”

“Yeah, well — I gave up speeding — and you can see how well that’s working out.”

Apparently, that’s the response that gets the laugh — and the warning, instead of a ticket.

AND I don’t even have to share my cookies.

— Darcy Perdu

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7 replies on “Cop Flat Out Refuses My Offer

  1. So then…my boyfriend gets told the joke…the one that goes, “so there’s this guy heading home from work and he pulls up to a stop sign, but just slows down and checks both ways and keeps going. Well, a cop pulls out behind him and pulls him over and asks the driver if he saw the stop sign. The driver says yes, but he slowed down and there wasn’t anyone coming so he thought he’d just go ahead. Then the cop tells him to step out of the car and then starts beating him with his nightstick. After a few minutes the cop pauses and looks at him and asks, “so do you want me to stop, or just slow down?”….
    So then…We’re on our way to my house later that night and the boyfriend comes off the exit ramp too fast and gets pulled over by a cop. The cop walks up to the window and asks, “did you see that road sign?” The boyfriend busts out laughing. The cop looks confused so, in order to avoid getting wrongfully arrested for being drunk, the boyfriend quickly explains the joke to him. The cop starts laughing and decides that since it’s been a while since he’s had a good laugh, he’ll let us off with just a warning!
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  2. Hazel Rude said:

    Hi Darcy,

    Before I begin my cop story, I must say that your blog is hilarious –probably the best out there. Only one complaint — not frequent enough — you should be posting daily or bi-daily (is that a word?)

    Oh yes, back to the cop story. So, like you, I was 32 years old (but it wasn’t my birthday). Ready to go out and hit the town on a Saturday night, I go out to my car — and it’s gone!! After a complete and I must say desperate search for my vehicle (or for that matter, any vehicle that would look like mine), I come to the conclusion that it has been stolen!

    I immediately call 911 to report the grand theft. About an hour later, two strapping men in blue show up. Of course I’m thinking, who needs to go out when the best of the boys come to your door! So glad I had just lost some weight to fit into my skinny jeans. (And Darcy, they didn’t even invent skinny jeans yet.)

    So Roger and Roger, the two police officers that will go unnamed, ask me when I last saw my car. Asked if I was single….asked if I was dating…all clues this is going VERY well — sans the car of course. Finally, after they’ve made a few calls to headquarters, they inform me that they’ve found my car! My heroes! I was immediately getting up to hug them both, until they said. “Yes, your vehicle has been impounded. Apparently, ma’am, you have 26 unpaid parking tickets.”

    “Noooo, it can’t be that many…maybe 15?” The next day, I retrieve my impounded car still fresh with the white numbers on the driver’s window. As I’m driving down a very busy street in a rush during rush hour, I see flashing red lights. I pull over immediately and recognize it is my two heroes again. They say over the speaker while chuckling, “Please pull over and come out….with your pants down.” No doubt, I started dating one of the cops and suddenly, no more parking tickets!!

    That’s it. Darcy, can you post an airplane story as I have a good one to share on that topic as well.

    Your fan, Hazel.

  3. Mimi said:

    One from the other side…
    I pull over a nice sporty car and as I walk up, I see the female driver squirming around. As I walk up and start my spiel, I notice that her shirt is waaaay too low and her skirt is waaaay too high. Then she turns and notices I am female — the look on her face was worth any words she could have come up with – but couldn’t.
    Oh, and yes, she got a ticket.

  4. Erin said:

    So then I pulled over. (Please note that I am one of those who exist in a state of perpetual PANIC!)

    I have a gas station cup of water between my legs (because of course my cup-holder is broken). My dogs are freaking out and trying to EAT the officer standing outside my barely-rolled-down window and climbing all over me in an attempt to do so.

    As I lean over to retrieve my registration/insurance/blood sample, the water spills. Right in my crotch.

    This particular officer made no trip to his car. No calls to dispatch. He just smiled, glanced at my now COLD and soaking crotch, and said (yelled to be heard over my dogs), “Try to have a nice day”.

    I think he thought I peed my pants (which I almost did). I still don’t know why I was pulled over in the first place, (probably either speeding or going too slow, or I may have a tail light out) but I’m only mildly concerned about that. Now all the cops are laughing behind my back about how I peed my pants.

  5. Erin, great story! I think I’ll travel with a cup of water from now on — so I can create the illusion that I too, have peed my pants — and maybe get out of a ticket!

  6. Cindy said:

    So then — My 79 year old mother drove (in her Chrysler Town and Country minivan) from east Tennessee to western Maryland, picked up her cousin of the same age, and the two of them go to just northeast of Baltimore, MD, to visit my mother’s 76 year old half-nephew. I’m talking to my mother after she gets home, and she says, “Did I tell you I got stopped for speeding in Pennsylvania?” (I’m still not sure WHY they were in PA, and, well, I didn’t ask.) “Well, no, you hadn’t told me that. What happened?”

    She says, “The nice young state trooper was very understanding until I gave him my driver’s license and he wanted to know why there’s no picture on it. I explained that in TN, if you’re over 60 you don’t have to get your picture on your license. I wasn’t sure he believed me, so I also gave him my expired license that does have a picture. I carry it just in case for situations like this. He called it in, and came back and said he was told that was alright and he only gave me a warning.”

    “You were flirting with him, weren’t you?” “Of course I was!”
    “Do I want to know how fast you were going?” “Probably not. It wasn’t triple digits yet, if that helps.”

    I’m not sure it does.

    • Love your Mom, Cindy! I hope when I’m 79, I’m still gettin’ my flirt on!
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