Holy Cow! I AM a Random Roving Psychic!

Random Roving Psychic You Need To ___ (Shelly 7.16.13)
So then…my son Tucker toots and the minivan becomes rather unpleasantly aromatic. He grins and says with relief, “Oh, man, I’ve been holding that in at school all day!

We continue chatting as we drive home, and intermittently, he lets a few more rip. He alternately mumbles “excuse me” and snickers.

As we approach the left turn lane for the freeway entrance, our car faces the halted lane of traffic coming the opposite direction.

When Tucker lets forth one particularly odorous emission, I quickly roll the window down, face the fresh air, and say, “I think you need to poo!”

Regrettably, this is at the exact same moment that my minivan stops right next to the opposite traffic lane — where my window is directly across from the OPEN window of a woman’s car.

So she’s sitting there, minding her own business, when I literally pull up alongside her, roll down my window, face her, and say with maternal authority, “I think you need to poo!”

She looks surprised – and confused. But before I can clarify that the remark was intended for my son, the light changes and off we go.

My son and I burst out laughing, but I’m wondering about that poor woman’s reaction.

Is she thinking, “Oh my God, I DO have to go poo! How did that minivan lady know that? Is she some Random Roving Psychic of Bodily Functions?

Or maybe she’s thinking, “Well, I didn’t have to go poo — but now that you’ve mentioned it, I have to go NOW.” And so now the poor woman is driving down the road looking for a sanitary place to lighten her load – “McDonalds? No. Gas Station? No. Oh thank God, a Barnes and Noble!!”

I actually feel a bit powerful, making an authoritative pronouncement to a complete stranger, then driving quickly away so there are no repercussions or follow up questions.

At upcoming intersections, I toy with the idea of rolling down my window to tell other drivers things like:

“I think you need to call your mother.”

“I think you’d look better as a redhead.”

“I think you have a dead body stashed in your attic.”

But before I can implement my new Roaming Advice Plan, Tucker lets loose a series of foghorn blasts that leaves us both gasping for air and giggling uncontrollably.

— Darcy Perdu

Original Illustration for So Then Stories by Shelly Draven

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(Any examples when you accidentally told/texted/emailed info to the wrong person? If someone drove up right next to you and told you that you had to poo, how would YOU react? Who emits the most impressive flatulence in your family? Do you ever feel like YOU are a Random Roving Psychic? And seriously — DO you have a dead body stashed in your attic?)
Random Roving Psychic P (Shelly 7.16.13)

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34 replies on “Holy Cow! I AM a Random Roving Psychic!

  1. Oh my heavens. I’m reading this at work, and I’m laughing so hard, that I may just have to go poo myself. Seriously, funniest post ever.

  2. Ah, teenagers and body humor. If it’s any comfort, girls are every bit as bad. The Squire and our eldest once had an armpit farting contest.

    • Hope you took video of that to show at her future wedding rehearsal dinner! :o)

  3. Judy said:

    Well, I’m finally on good gut drugs that are working so if you pulled up and told me I had to poo I’d say, “For once I don’t and it’s lovely!”

    In stopped traffic, I once looked at a guy’s truck with unadulterated lust, as it was the truck I wanted but had to settle for the one I had. Then the guy started giving me googlie eyes in return. Ugh.

    • Ha! Maybe you shoulda returned the googlie eyes, asked to test drive his cool truck while he stayed with your truck, then just driven off into the sunset!

  4. Heather said:

    I’d avoid the redhead comment and the body in the attic — but it’s amazing how many people do need to call their mothers more often.

    I got a wrong number on my cell phone one time. He was insisting I’d stolen the phone from his mother. I’d had the number for more than a year. In a point of satisfaction (after threatening me with jail etc.) he asked me, “Well, what do you think about that!?” I promptly replied that I’d had this number for longer than a year, and I thought he needed to call his mother more often.

    • I agree — an ANNUAL call to Mom is simply not enough!

  5. Mimi Gin said:

    My son AND daughter always tried to out do each other. If we ever ate at a local restaurant and they ate german sausage, we had to drive home with the windows open. Started with the burping contest and moved to the lower intestine way too fast. Either way the odor would gag a maggot!

  6. I grew up in a house where the “F” word was forbidden, but when I (and my 7 sisters) grew up we sought our revenge on our father. Every Father’s day and birthday brought some kind of fart gift and lots of gut wrenching laughter. Farts are funny, but I’d have given anything to see the look on that lady’s face when you told her she needs to poop!
    Suzanne Vince recently posted..Bodyform Maxipads-Social Media GeniusMy Profile

    • 7 sisters? holy cow! I love that you guys gave your dad so many fart gifts! too funny!

  7. Have I ever sent someone the wrong TEXT message? Um…on the west coast, we call sending the wrong message to the wrong person, “Pulling a Meg”.

    Have I ever EMAILED the wrong person? Um…on the west coast, emailing something gossipy about someone TO them, is also referred to as “A Meg”.

    Friggin’ hilarious post, by the way. :)

    • HA! Can’t wait to accidentally receive a wrong or gossipy message from you one day!

    • Phil, that’s a BRILLIANT idea for a new app! It will text you whenever someone nearby is about to let one rip — I’ll call it “Clear the Room: Someone’s About to Blow!”

      It’ll make MILLIONS! I’ll cut you in for 20% of the profit, baby!

  8. Merci McCambridge said:

    “Pulling a Meg”…Hmmm…for some odd reason, that reminded me of what my husband used to do once in a while to tease the kids when they were young: he’d point a finger at one and say, “Quick! Pull my finger!” and a soon as someone did, he’d let one rip. Tacky? Totally! Crude? You bet! But funny? OH yeah.

    • Merci — so funny! I wonder how guys are able to do that — do they always have one “locked and loaded” – ready to go?

      I wouldn’t know about such things, of course, what with me being such a delicate lady. (cough cough) Quick, pull my finger!

  9. Bwahahahahaha! I think it would be awesome to be a roving psychic and to just make your pronouncements. People would LISTEN!! It would feel very powerful. Hahahahahahaha. –Lisa

    • Agreed.

      In fact, I will make a pronouncement right now for YOU, Lisa. I think…I think…wait, it’s coming to me…I think you need to clean out your dryer lint trap! And…wait…I’m sensing something strong…yes…here it is…I think you need to send 1 box of Godiva chocolates and a bottle of tequila to Darcy Perdu! Ta-dum!

  10. Haha! This is one of those things I’d love to try, but would probably be too scared ever to actually do it! I did once give a thumps up to a driver whose license plate said, “My other car is a TARDIS.”

  11. Hahaha! This is just TOO funny. I surprised something like this hasn’t happened to me yet, not having air conditioning in my car and all. I always just end up singing to people. But I like the poop proclamation better!
    Cara Lyn Erickson recently posted..An Exotic Day at the Race TrackMy Profile

    • Hmm — good idea! I can start SINGING my psychic announcements to unsuspecting drivers!

  12. D-Marie said:

    I just laughed uncontrollably while reading your post. With that, I feel I need to “come clean” about something that happened earlier this week. On a particular state line that will remain anonymous, there is a bridge that is constantly under construction. With that, there is inevitably bridge traffic. Miles and miles of bridge traffic. Were you aware that it was recently National Ice Cream Day? It’s a wonderful thing to celebrate, but not for those who are lactose intolerant.

    Long story short, DAIRY IS DELICIOUS & I ended up pooping in traffic…in a grocery bag…in my car whilst praying to the sweet baby J that no one saw and called the police on me
    – Desperate Doodie Deviant

    • omigod — that is mortifying — and hilarious — and there have been many moments in heavy traffic that I feared I might do the same! — if I ever publish a book of my stories and the related comments from the readers, you MUST let me include this!

  13. Julie said:

    Darcy!! Why have I just found this one? I am so going to use your “I think you have to poo” phrase on EVERYONE who annoys me. The next time the manager comes freaking out about a display that isn’t full, I will spill your phrase! The next time I have to listen to someone whine about how hard/miserable they have it/are. HA! The next time someone looks at me funny! “I think you have to poo”!!

    Thank you Darcy. Thank you.

    • lol! those are great uses for that phrase! too funny!

  14. Dana said:

    OMG! That is so hilarious!!!

    • Thank you, Dana! My psychic abilities tell me that YOU have excellent taste in humor!