Dead Hookers in the Trunk…AGAIN?

Very funny encounter with an LA gangsta at the courthouse -- very friendly and informative!  #funny #ticket #court #humor

So then…I notice the guy in front of me keeps turning around to stare at me.

Normally I don’t shy away from “unwanted male attention” – (in fact, I consider “unwanted male attention” an oxymoron) – but in this case, it’s interesting because we’re in a courthouse, in line with fellow lawbreakers.

Yes, I sorta ran a red light. Yes, the traffic camera took my photo. (A rather unflattering photo, I might add. That’s the real crime here.)

Dead Hookers

And yes, I’m here to fight the $450 ticket because I KNOW the judge will want to hear the extenuating circumstances behind that violation – (AND why I was having a bad hair day.)

As I approached the light, a car was hot on my tail, so if I stopped suddenly for the yellow/orange/red light, I would have caused a crash! So I’m preparing a compelling analogy about how “sometimes you need to break a law for the greater good” – like it’s OK to jaywalk if you’re scooping up an innocent toddler who’s wandered into oncoming traffic!

(Of course, the judge might point out that my reckless red light-running could lead to the mowing-down of any innocent toddlers who ARE wandering into oncoming traffic. Ugh – judges are so judgey like that.)

So anyway, we’ve all been waiting in line for some time and the guy in front of me is restless. He keeps sneaking a look at me and I can’t help studying him as well.

He seems committed to fulfilling a specific gang stereotype – shaved head, bandana, thick muscles bursting out of his plaid shirt, low-rider jeans, and a neck tattoo declaring “T-Slash” in graffiti letters. (And lest we attribute his moniker to a fondness for the back slash key on his computer, he has helpfully inked a switchblade next to his name.)

Now you may know that I married a man who’s half Hispanic, so my kids are one-quarter Hispanic, and I love them dearly, so I mean no disrespect — but this guy’s outfit looks like it’s straight out of Central Casting for the music video “Lean Like a Cholo.”
Dead Hookers Down A.K.A. “Lean Like a Cholo” Latin Rapper Down AKA Kilo

My kids love this story, so please don’t take offense that I tell it as it happened, including the thick accent of my new friend.

T-Slash: What dey getchu for?

Me: Red light. (I hold up the photo and citation they sent me)

T-Slash: Ohhhh, dey gotcher pitcher. Dat’s four-fiddy. Cuz you went tru da light. But if you run da light and turn right, dat’s only tree-fiddy.”

Me: Wow, you know these fees pretty well.

T-Slash: Jeah – (resigned) – I come here a lot.

Me: Really?

T-Slash: Jeah – they stop me 3 times last week – ees my car.

And with that, he flips out his phone and shows me the screen saver photo of his car.

Now granted, it’s painted blue with yellow flames – and has tinted windows.

But I’m looking at him and I’m thinkin’ – “Really, T-Slash? You think they’re stoppin’ you three times in a week cuz of the car? Not the stolen guns and dead hookers in the trunk of the car?”

Really T-Slash? Really?

But of course I don’t SAY that out loud – because that would be stereotyping Hispanic gangstas. And I don’t stereotype. My kids are part Hispanic — and they don’t have stolen guns and dead hookers in the trunk of our car!  (considers that statement)  ….Um, wait. Hold on. I’ll be right back.

— Darcy Perdu

 to your Humor Board!

(Anybody else have their picture taken by those red light cameras? Does every state still allow the cops to send you a citation for that? Ever fight a ticket? Have you checked your trunk lately?)

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The awesome and hilarious Cary Vaughn from The Reluctant Cat Owner’s Journal just sent me this photo, saying “I think I stumbled upon one of T-Slash’s baby photos…”  Love it!

Dear Hookers T-Slash Baby Photo from Cary Vaughn

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60 replies on “Dead Hookers in the Trunk…AGAIN?

  1. Haha the only time a photo was taken of my car, it was its hiney, so I wasn’t in it – which is good because back in those days I would work in an animal hospital and looked a hot mess. Lol Stereotypes are there for a reason because a lot of the times they’re true :P I’m Hispanic too so I take no offense :P Happy Hump Day Darcy! -Iva
    AwesomelyOZ recently posted..GTFO: Mind Over MatterMy Profile

  2. Your stereotyped Hispanic gangster eees perfect! I love it.

    Believe it or not, I got one once in the same jurisdiction where I fucking work. Nobody stops all the way before making a right turn on red!! It doesn’t happen! I know better though because I got a 95/100 on my driving test as a 16 year old because I lost 5 points for not stopping completely before turning right on a red light. I remember it like it was yesterday.

    Anyway, I was shocked to learn that there was an actual ordinance called “failure to stop before turning right on red.” Had I ever wanted to be a douchebag cop, I’d have just written “violated red light ticket.” That new charge was news to me.

    I paid the ticket though. It’s only $100 here though. Only? Like I’m a Rockefeller.
    donofalltrades recently posted..Dads are pretty too…My Profile

    • Dammit, Don. I was planning to tell any cops who stop me in the future that I should get out of the ticket because I’m a close, personal cyber-pal of police officer Don of DOAT blogger fame. But if YOU can’t even get out of a ticket in your OWN jurisdiction, how the hell are you gonna help me out here in California? Very disappointed, Don, VERY disappointed.

      You can make it up to me by sending me a box of whatever you find in the evidence locker today.

  3. Oh man, I recall getting tickets in the mail from blowing through toll booths while driving in another state. I wasn’t familiar with their whole system and had no idea I was breaking the law. I remember putting the citation on top of the fridge but then at some point they ended up INSIDE the freezer? Not really sure how. We moved out of that house, I sold the car, and went to live in China. Basically I ran from the law and that ticket is probably still sitting next to the icemaker.
    Aussa Lorens recently posted..How To Stalk Your Ex On FacebookMy Profile

    • So your citation ended up on ice and you ended up in CHINA? Yep, that sounds like Aussa alright. :o)

    • Years from now, when you apply for a license in a new jurisdiction, they will know about those tickets.

  4. Thankfully, there aren’t any of those cameras around where I live. I have gotten out of a few tickets, though, because when I’m stressed crying comes really easily. I wish I could say I do it on purpose, but I’m a terrible liar. If I’m in a good mood and I get pulled over, I’m more likely to sass the cop about it and that doesn’t usually end well…
    Jane @ The Blue Morpho recently posted..You Know it’s Cold When…My Profile

    • Making note to practice my weeping-on-cue skills…

  5. That sucks about the bad hair. You should have denied that it was you and acted all appalled that they would even go there.

    I popped open my trunk at the grocery store the other day, only to find that it was stuffed with my Mom’s giant black garbage bags filled with her recyclables. Dead hookers aren’t recyclable are they?

    • HA! Will consult my local environment group right now to see if dead hookers are recyclable!

  6. That was so funny! I could hear that accent:) I have violated lots of rules lately but no tickets or pictures taken yet. I’m feeling lucky.

    • That’s right, baby — stay under the radar!

  7. Kristina said:

    So… did you get out of your ticket? Did T-Slash, your new gangster friend, get out of his?

    The internet needs to know!!

    • Ha! I pitched my analogy to the judge, who was singularly unimpressed. So I had to pay my four-fiddy.
      As for T-Slash, I’ll ask him for an update when he comes over this Sunday for brunch and ping-pong.

      (Ha! Just kidding — not sure how T-Slash fared in his attempt to avoid the penalty — but I’d bet if I dropped by the courthouse right now, he’s probably in line AGAIN!)

  8. okay, laughed out loud at this: “(A rather unflattering photo, I might add. That’s the real crime here.)” hahaha. And that the judge would ask you why you were having a bad hair day. This was TOO TOO funny! Thanks for the laugh today, Darcy. And you better check yer trunk, just in case T-slash put something in there…

    • exactly! Between him and my kids, God only knows what’s stashed in my trunk!

  9. Even when you stereotype, you do it with consummate style :D

    I only ever got a ticket for speeding. 50 in a 40 zone. I elected to go on a ‘safer driving’ course rather than take the points on my licence and corresponding hike in insurance. So I paid for the privilege of a day of being horribly guilt-tripped and told about run-over children…
    Considerer recently posted..Fashion and the Invisible MomMy Profile

    • Oh, those safe-driving courses are the worst! I once attended one that was 6 hours long and I wanted to poke my eyeballs out from boredom!

      • Yeah and they tricked us. Right at the beginning they got us all to say our reasons why we were speeding and wrote them up on a board. And of course we were all full of piss and vinegar with things like “It was fun to drive fast”, “I was just running late”, “I didn’t even notice”…

        Then right at the end, after all the guilt and telling us that kids have a tendency to make eye-contact with drivers right before they get plowed down, said to us “Imagine you’re in the witness box opposite the parents of the child you killed speeding. How do those excuses look now?”

        Considerer recently posted..Fashion and the Invisible MomMy Profile

        • Yikes! Sounds like an intervention! Very intense!

  10. Judy said:

    We got the cameras too. Here you toss the citation in the trash along with your jury summons and all that other mail that doesn’t come registered receipt so they can’t say if you got it or not. The city is too broke to follow up with process servers. But before they cut that expense you just denied who you were when there was a stranger at the door asking for you in the name that only mother uses when she’s mad at you. Or you register your car in hubby’s name and vice versa and not in both names so y’all don’t match the pictures they took. Or you could follow the damn law. That’s an option too.

    • Ha! Follow the damn law? Got to try that one out! :o)

  11. Kim said:

    The trunk part reminds me of an experience my friend and I had in high school! We walked up to her car in the mall parking lot to leave when we noticed that the car parked beside her was the same car driven by 2 guys that had been flirting with us as we were driving into the mall earlier. A bit odd, but maybe a coincidence, right? Nope! As we opened our doors, the trunk of their car pops open with them also popping out!!! They had waited for us to come out of the mall the entire time! It was a bit freaky….and, no, we did not find it flattering! Trunk guys are not very trustworthy!

    • OMIGOD! That is hysterical! And creepy! And hysterical again! It sounds like the opening scene of a very bad Lifetime movie!
      And YOU are hilarious with your very astute observation: “Trunk guys are not very trustworthy!” LOL!
      Reminds me of my brother who always says, “Never date a guy with a van.” I’m now adding “Never date a Trunk Guy!” Hilarious!

  12. William Kendall said:

    “I come here a lot”…. tells you everything you will ever need to know about the guy, doesn’t it?

    • ha! yes it does! and he said it in such a resigned way, with a little shake of the head, like a kid might admit to being sent to the principal’s office repeatedly and he doesn’t know why! :o)

  13. hahaha I used to have a red car, people told me I would get pulled over more often, and it was SO TRUE. I got pulled over more times, and got more tickets in that car than ever before in my life. And I have owned a Camaro! But, it was white. No red cars, OR flames!
    Joy Christi recently posted..Comfytown’s Cards Against HumanityMy Profile

    • Got it — no red cars, no flames, no dead hookers! :o)

      • A fellow who used to belong to our church drove a rather fancy red car. I can’t remember the make, but he was young, single, black – and stationed at the local Army base. He was pulled over so many times that he finally got vanity tags with his last name. He still got pulled over, but when the police verified his license and tags, they would pretend they’d only wanted to talk to him about his fancy “wheels”. Profiling is, unfortunately, alive and well in Harford County.

        • That poor guy — smart of him to use his name on the vanity tag, though!

  14. Paul said:

    As a long-haul trucker I’ve received my share of tickets but the most memorable was the day when I richly deserved a ticket or worse, and got only a warning. Bear in mind, Darcy, that this story happened many years ago when I was young and foolish (hopefully there’s a statute of limitations on motor vehicle shenanigans). I was running east on the Trans-Canada (two lane there with gravel shoulders) in Newfoundland (the Rock) with a full load of produce out of Boston (Beantown). I caught up to a loaded dump-truck, also going east and travelling about 15 mph slower than I was. The road was clear and it was a deserted section of about 120 miles with no towns or traffic. I pulled out to pass and got about half way by him when we started up a small hill. The grade slowed me down but the dumpy maintained speed. There was a blind turn at the top of the grade and, being an idiot, I refused to back off and entered the turn on the wrong side of the road, still trying to pass. Lo and behold, an RCMP cruiser appeared headed towards me. I jumped on the brakes but he kept coming and then at the last second, he jammed on his brakes and slid onto the shoulder causing waves of gravel to spray into the ditch. When we passed I was still on his side of the road and he was struggling to maintain control in the gravel.

    I cleared the corner, got back on my side of the road and pulled over to park on the shoulder. I got out my registration and license and waited for what seemed like hours for the cruiser to appear with lights flashing and siren screaming. He pulled up behind me and a sergeant got out of the passenger side. The driver stayed in the car. This was unusual – most cruisers out here only had a single officer. As the sergeant walked up beside the truck, I could see that he was grey-haired and although he walked very erect, he appeared close to retirement. (Of course, I thought, I may have aged him prematurely with my maneuver – he might have been thirty years old just five minutes ago.) I handed him my papers without him even asking and before he could say anything, I apologized profusely. He just nodded, took my papers and walked back to the car. About 10 minutes later, he returned to the truck, passed me back my papers and what looked like a ticket. I checked and found it was just a warning for an improper lane change. I apologized again and promised the maneuver wouldn’t be repeated. To my complete surprise, he smiled and then started to laugh. He explained that he was training a rookie, who was driving at the time. It was the new officer’s first day on the job and he was eager to learn and impress his trainer.

    “I was lecturing him on protocol and he was looking at me instead of watching the road as we drove along. I realized that neither of us was paying much attention to the road so I glanced up and there you were coming straight at us. I couldn’t even get any words out – all I could do was point out the windshield and go ‘Ahh! Ahh!’”

    He started to laugh so hard he had to pause for a minute. Then he continued:

    “When my rookie looked at the road, he turned completely white and jerked the car onto the gravel. He almost lost control and when we got stopped he was shaking so bad he could hardly drive. I think he shit himself.” More laughter.

    “I couldn’t really give you a ticket when it was my fault that neither of us was even looking at the road. That’s a fine lesson for me: ‘Don’t be lecturing rookies while they’re driving’”

    He wished me a good day and walked back to the cruiser, leaving me standing there completely dumbfounded.

    • Wow — you’re lucky to be alive!
      And lucky to have such a cool sergeant! I’m impressed he took the blame.
      And I’ll bet that rookie keeps his eyes peeled on the road at all times now!

      • Paul said:

        Believe me, Darcy, I never did that again. The feeling imprinted and reappears whenever I contemplate something risky. It was a big lesson for a young me: Don’t let your ego dictate your actions because that is the beginning of the end. I simply thank God that He saw fit to provide the outcome He did. Lesson learned.

  15. T Miller said:

    My kids are Hispanic too. Everyone knows I’m not racist; I’m just a disgruntled employee. lol

  16. Lady Anne said:

    I’ve only gotten two tickets in my life, and I managed to get out of one of them because the judge knew my mother. (He felt sorry for me!)

    I was the middle vehicle of three cars, and somehow I was the only one speeding. This was shortly after my first husband had left this mortal coil, and the insurance company wanted a gazillion dollars “because I was under emotional distress”. Actually, I was glad to get rid of the old coot, but that didn’t matter. Anyway, my parents actually bought themselves a new car and lent me their old one, on the condition I would pay the difference in the insurance premiums. When I told the judge I would never dare speed because “my mother would kill me” he asked me who my mother was. “Ah, yes. I understand.”

    I got points, but no fine.

    • Ha! That’s so cool the judge knew your mom and let you off easy!!

      It reminds me of the time I was a teen and pulled up in front of my house, not knowing a cop car was right behind me. He said, “Do you know you rolled right through two stop signs back there?” Just then my Mom came out of the house and said, “Oh no, what have you done this time?” The cop recognized her immediately since my Mom worked at the courthouse, so he said he’d just give me a warning. But she said, “No way! No daughter of mine is getting off easy just ’cause I work at the courthouse. Throw the book at her!” He was surprised as I was! (He only gave me a ticket for 1 stop sign instead of 2 — but still!)

    • Exactly! Almost makes me want to volunteer for jury duty to see what other interesting characters I can meet!

  17. Reindlgator said:

    Talk about people you meet at the courthouse. I was reading the daily docket outside of a courtroom I was supposed to testify in when this little chat drifted over to my ears…

    Unidentified male: “What you here for?”

    Unidentified perpetrator: “Girl said I hit her in the head with a shovel. I don’t even know what she’s talking about, I didn’t even know her a year.”

    So, the moral of the story is that you can learn etiquette in the strangest places. I would have thought the waiting period for jacking someone in the face with a gardening implement was 6 months, huh. Maybe this is why I need to watch more Judge Judy.

    • Ah! That’s HILARIOUS! AND informational – thanks for passing along the proper Shovel-to-the-Head etiquette!!

  18. After a trip across the country, we returned home to find a letter from the fine folks of Arizona Public Safety with a ticket and picture of some guy wearing a hat just like mine. It looked as if someone resembling me had stolen my car and while attempting to stay with the flow of traffic was caught on camera speeding.

    That day traffic must have been flowing nicely at about 17 miles over the posted limit because that is what the ticket indicated the speed was.

    So I began my research and it turned out that in Arizona, you must be served in person for such offenses, e.g. camera tickets. In an attempt to encourage payment the letter and ticket had that menacing, “you better pay this or else” tone and looked all official.

    I assume many just pay it to avoid having to use Google. I figured they weren’t about to spend a couple thousand on coming to serve me in person, nor hire someone for $hundreds on a process server to only collect half that back in fees.

    Bottom line: Didn’t pay it and AZ has no recourse for non-payment. This is mostly due to the fact that the State can’t prove who was driving and can only attempt to scare payment out of the registered owner of the vehicle.

    • Wow, had no idea some states can’t collect the payment unless they serve you in person!
      But for the states that DO, I will simply use the new excuse that I learned from you: sorry, officer, that wasn’t me — must have been someone who stole my car wearing a hat just like mine! Ha!

  19. Julie said:

    I just love the accent Darcy!! I could just hear it!

    I got nailed once by “the turn on red after a complete stop”. They send you a link to the video which is good cause I was all “I STOPPED! I am so fighting this ticket” until I watched the video. It would appear that I kinda glided thru the turning lane, not coming to a complete stop where I was supposed to. Since I saw it with my own eyes, and I play fair, I just paid the ticket by mail. However I now fear that I piss off every driver behind me when I come to one of those intersections. I stop and count one potato, two potato. Not a rolling stop anymore. I also run thru my mind on occasion a scene where I come to a complete stop and then pull out into traffic causing a horrific accident. “but the sign said I could turn right on red after a complete stop…” The grown up brain in me takes over and I have managed to control the urge.

    • Counting one potato, two potato actually sounds like a great idea! I might adopt that!

  20. There is an urban legend that a man was caught on camera speeding. He received the fine in the mail with a photo of his car. He then sent a photo of a cheque. The legend goes that clerk who worked in that specific court had a sense of humour so he sent back a photo of a jail cell.
    Vivian Pitschlitz recently posted..It’s In a HugMy Profile

    • Vivian, I’m dying laughing over here! That is priceless!!!

  21. LOL! Too funny. Yes, I did get a ticket once from those cameras here in the city. I fought it and won, as it was because of massive traffic backup and an ambulance made us run the light. Waste of a whole day but it was thrown out!

    Happy Valentine’s day!
    Phil recently posted..A Manly Man’s Guide to Valentine’s Day Romance in NYC.My Profile

    • Makes note to self: in future, blame it on an ambulance…

  22. Jeff said:

    Alaska banned photo radar because our state law requires that only a certified police officer can issue tickets.
    Jeff recently posted..“Matt Damon Bugs Me”My Profile

  23. Amanda said:

    In Chicago those red light tickets are only $100. Still sucks, but whoa! four fiddy would SUCK! Also in IL those tix don’t go against your driving record. It’s strictly to raise money in the state.

    • Oooo, that’s great they don’t put it on your driving record! And $100 is a BARGAIN compared to California! It’s official — I’m movin’ to Chicago!