Who’s the Guilty Culprit?

So then…I’m walking downstairs, happy as a clam, in my lovely clean house – picture me, carefree and cheerful, just ambling along to an upbeat music soundtrack in my mind, with little Disney animated bluebirds sitting on my shoulder — lala lalala lala la —

when SUDDENLY I see a long streak of boogies on my white wall.

SCREECH! The music stops, the amble halts, the bluebirds fall from my shoulders in a stunned heap on the stairs.

WHAT THE WHAT?

Who was walking up these stairs, gathered a whole mess o’ snot, and thought, “Oh, I’ll just put this HERE” ???

On my wall. My white wall. My previously pristine white wall.

Being the delicate flower that I am — I bellow, “WHO WIPED THEIR BOOGERS ON THIS WALL?”

Three voices call out:
“Not me.”
“Not me.”
“Not me.”

Oh really? Only 4 of us live here. And I don’t think this is the handiwork of the AC repair guy who visited last week.

I will DNA this snot so fast your head will spin. Get the forensics tech out here STAT!

(But I fear the homicide department probably has more critical mysteries to solve than who smeared nose juice on my house wall.)

So I’ll solicit your assistance to unmask the guilty culprit.

THE SUSPECTS:

The daughter (age 5): Playful, darling, funny, girly — has been known to sport a dirty nose from time to time, but if she graces a wall — it’s more likely to be glitter, lipstick, or colored markers.

The dad: Funny, clever, and well-experienced in handling one’s own nasal emissions.

The mom: Brilliant, gorgeous and charming, if I do say so myself. Has NEVER had a dirty nose. Also does not poop, pee, or pass wind. She would NEVER sully her beloved white walls with ANYTHING.

The son (age 8): Energetic, creative, funny, certainly old enough to know better, but has demonstrated a history of inappropriate choices in regard to bodily functions – i.e. pardon me, pool guests, I’ll just take a whiz over here in the hydrangeas — or hey, pull my finger — no seriously pull my finger — it’s gonna be HILARIOUS!

So what do you think? Who’s the dirty lil boogie man?

Ding ding ding!

You guessed it! The son! The son, I tell you!

I prepare for an exhaustive grueling interrogation — carefully gathering irrefutable evidence about his means, motive, and opportunity —

But as soon as he sees the crime scene, he readily confesses with a shrug and a goofy grin. (Of course, not grinning quite so much when he realizes the sentence is cleaning it up, while enduring a lengthy but eloquent lecture on handling one’s nasal output.)

So if you happen to have a dirty lil boogie man — or boogie girl — in your house, you might want to enter the Boogie Wipes raffle for eight $50 gift cards and Boogie Wipes Prize Packs.

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This post is sponsored, but all opinions (and snot) belong to me and my boogie son.

— Darcy Perdu

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(Any surprising “gifts” you find around your house, courtesy of kids, pets, or the air conditioning repair guy? There are about 87 expressions to let someone know their fly is open — but what’s the best phrase to let someone know they need to take care of their nasal business?)

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16 replies on “Who’s the Guilty Culprit?

  1. This is also a problem in the restrooms at work; there’s always a good-size string of dried snot decorating at least one wall of the cubicles. I work in IT though, and on the whole, we’re not the most hygienic of folk. As for fun expressions for needing to clean your snotty nose? I like ‘Oi you’ve got a load of bats in your cave’

    • I like that expression — especially the “oi!” part! :o)

  2. Julie said:

    HAHA! for the zipper down? xyzpdq. examine your zipper pretty darn quick.

    I have some lovely artwork that I have put a bookcase in front of. Oh, and my darling baby girl took the opportunity (while I was resting my eyes) to apply mascara. OMG, I was so upset! she could have put her eye out! AND I WAS SLEEPING! My mom wanted to know if I took pictures. PICTURES?! GAHHHH! I don’t even know how she knew what it was! Musta been from TV, as I rarely wear it. Thank God she didn’t poke her eye out!

    • Ha! I love xyzpdq! That’s a great one! And mascara? Yikes! Good thing she didn’t give you a makeover while you were sleeping!

    • Exactly! The same goes with their approach to dirty laundry — oh I’ll just put this HERE.

  3. I thought I was a suspect for a minute there when you gave the mom description: )

  4. Mindy said:

    My favorite expression for telling someone that they have boogies is “You have bats in the cave!” :)

    • That’s a good one — and “cave” is such a great expression for that area!

  5. I KNEW it was the son….because that is totally something I would have done (or may have done and not remember) when I was 8.
    You poor thing. You have my sympathies.

    • Cary, that’s so funny. I feel like my son didn’t realize he was doing it either. He’s just ambling along lalala lala!

  6. Oh my gosh, this one gets filed in the “I’m scared to have children” folder!!!

    • Ha! You CAN fill a file with stuff like that — but you can also fill a file CABINET with all the great reasons TO have children. They’re wonderful! Honestly! I can send you mine to prove it to you. No seriously, can I send you mine? What’s your address? They’ll be there on your doorstep tomorrow morning. Thank you. Thank you very much.