When the Popular Chick Finds Out Your Secret!

When the Popular Chick Finds Out Your Secret!  #embarrassing #funny #school #bathroom #popular #humor

So then… I glance nervously at my watch as this bathroom line of high school girls inches its way slowly toward the stalls. Our Marching Squad Captain only gave us 15 minutes for a break before we need to perform our routine at halftime at the football game.

As a lowly freshman, I’m eager to follow the rules – especially since I’ve already received 3 demerits at past games – twice for being late and once for forgetting to wear my gold bloomers under my gold Marching Squad skirt. (Don’t worry — I wore UNDERWEAR, people! They just weren’t gold!)

This Louisiana stadium bathroom is hot and humid, filled with chattering girls, including the super hip and cool SENIORS on the squad. I try not to let my geeky awkwardness radiate beyond my personal space.

It’s so hot and time is so short, I almost abandon the mission, but I “gotta pee like a Russian racehorse,” as they say, so I hang in there until – THANK GOD – it’s my turn to enter a stall.

But as soon as I close the door behind me, I see that the toilet paper is not on a roll – it’s little tiny individual square sheets!

Senior Senior

Do you know the kind I mean? They’re almost like miniature tissues. You pull one out, but it’s just a tiny square, then you got to pull the next one out – and it takes FOREVER – especially since I have to encase the ENTIRE toilet seat with paper before I can sit down!

I know the other girls are also anxious to make it back before halftime, so I don’t want to be the annoying freshman that takes FOREVER.

But I can’t possibly let my virgin derriere touch that toilet seat because I’m certain I’ll end up pregnant – or I’ll contract some hideous disease that will necessitate a butt-amputation – and won’t THAT be awkward.

So I frantically start pulling out the little tiny sheets to cover the seat, often losing some in the bowl in my haste. I can just IMAGINE the Seniors are out there, all whispering about why it’s taking me so long – and I have half a mind to yell out, “I’m not pooping! I SWEAR I’m not pooping!”

FINALLY, I create an impressive criss-cross pattern of sheets to covering every inch of the entire seat, so I can safely sit. I pee quickly, flush, and pop out the door.

The line of waiting girls is still long, hot, and impatient.

As I walk to the sink, super popular Senior Claire Markam passes me to enter my stall.

At that precise moment, I realize that I forgot to push all those little toilet paper squares into the bowl before I flushed!

I freeze at the sink. My eyes wide, my heart thumping – OMIGOD, HOW EMBARRASSING! I need to RUN AWAY right now!

Just then, Claire opens her stall door and calls out, “Hey, Darcy!”

Time stands still. In slow motion, my head turns toward her.

Is she going to mock my toilet “shrine” in front of all these Seniors — and burden me with a humiliating nickname that will follow me all 4 years of my high school career?

She grins at me, gives a thumbs up, and says, “Thanks!”

What!?

I suddenly realize she’s GRATEFUL that I’d taken the time to create a paper seat cover that she could use too!

She wasn’t going to ridicule me for my hygiene habits – she was going to do the exact same thing! And I saved her time by doing it for her! I guess she didn’t mind sharing paper with my little bony ass as long as she avoided contact with a public toilet seat!

So now, instead of feeling mortified – I feel PROUD!  

That super cool Senior admired my toilet-seat-wrapping skills!

I beam as I wash my hands.

But then I glance at that line of girls who are all looking at me oddly. They have no idea what’s in that stall.

They only know that Claire walked in my stall, then poked her head out to say, “Hey, Darcy! Thanks!”

Now they’re all wondering what I left in that stall for Claire to see.

A note?

A gift?

An amazing poop sculpture?

As I exit, it takes every ounce of willpower for me not to shout, “I didn’t poop. I SWEAR I didn’t poop!”

(Of course, you guys might know I do have some amazing talent in that field, as evidenced hilariously right HERE.)

— Darcy Perdu

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(Are YOU a dedicated seat-coverer? Terrified to poop in public too?  Any funny stories from your high school days?)

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36 replies on “When the Popular Chick Finds Out Your Secret!

    • Seriously! I practically need to wear a scuba suit just to walk INTO a public bathroom! I don’t want to touch ANYTHING!

  1. This was hilarious, as usual. I love how you can take a tiny action (like using those squares of paper) that we all know and remember and build an entire post around it!! Master storyteller! PS. The one thing I found worse than the square dispenser was the regular roller that wouldn’t spin around or turn, except maybe one inch at a time, enabling you to maybe tear off some tiny useless scrap and then you gotta start over forcibly turning/spinning the roll with both hands just to get another little jagged piece of TP. I used to imagine some janitor with his big shot tool case coming into the ladies room, taking out his screwdriver and wrench, “There! That oughta be tight enough to drive ’em crazy!”
    Stephanie Lewis recently posted..Pavlov’s Blog (Confessions of a Compulsive Commenter)My Profile

    • Ha! Stephanie, you are so right! There must be a team of misogynist janitors out there because that happens to me all the time! And of course I wait to the last minute to pee, so I’m squeezing my legs together, hopping around, desperately trying to pull those tiny scraps off the roll! Argh!!

  2. Tanya said:

    Hi Darcy,

    Toilet seat phobic too! Now Charmin, bless them, actually have small packs of them to purchase. Don’t leave home without them.

    Sad the Marching Squad is no more. Sigh! Gone are the days of Sr. Margaret Rose and the reign of terror. How did we survive?

    • Hi Tanya!!! Yes, I miss those Marching Squad days too! Wish I still had my little gold uniform! Ha!
      And thanks for the Charmin tip — I NEED those! :o)

    • Ha! Sadly, my kids are well-acquainted with my toilet-seat phobia — and even INHERITED it! We’re ALL seat-cover coverers! :o)

    • Laughed out loud at your comment, Vinny!
      And yes, thank you, I do have a gift. (picture me bowing and waving graciously to the crowd, ala royalty)

  3. Julie said:

    How great was that? A “thumbs up” from a senior, and a popular one to boot! I think the aura of the mystery was perfect! I kinda expected some of the squares got stuck to you and were hanging from your rear end…

  4. Erin said:

    I am a croucher, I won’t touch a seat, but I can’t be bothered to tp it anymore. So I squat, crouch, whatever… My quads are still strong, thank goodness…!!

    • I envy you, Erin. I’ve tried the crouch but usually spray the entire stall! Ha!

    • In a rural province in China, I asked for the ladies room at the business I was visiting. They took me outside to show me a hole in the dirt. I repeat: a hole in the dirt. When I about fainted, they consented to take me to the manager’s apartment next door since he had the only “Western toilet” in the whole area! That evening, I was so thrilled to return to Hong Kong, which has bathrooms galore!

    • Why, thank you — thankyouverymuch! (Elvis accent)

  5. Hi Darcy. I should really consider reading your stories some time other than during my lunch break. I either choke on my sandwich from laughing or else I read poop talk and spit out my milk, because I’m laughing.

    • Ha! For God’s sake, don’t choke over there, Millie! You’re one of my fave readers! :o)

      • I promise I’ll try to be more careful. I don’t want to miss reading your stories and or the rest of my life because I gag at lunch and make a big scene here at work. There’s enough gossip in the office as it is.

        • Bwahaha! “Enough gossip in the office as it is!” Leave it to you to shun expiring at work just to avoid office gossip! Ha!

  6. High school is a blur… 90% is a blur. But I honestly don’t think I ever pooped at school. I dont think my 13 year old even farts in school because every day when she gets in my car she will unleash a chorus of ass air to rival any horn section. I honestly think she holds it all day and waits till she sits in my air conditioned NEW vehicle. And the 5 year old boy thinks it is hilarious and chimes with his burps. Lucky me.
    Michele recently posted..Now I am confused… But I Do Know a Few Things…My Profile

  7. ha! I hate those little squares. I actually do remember your *special* poop talent. In fact, I want to say it was the very first post I read of yours, which is why adored you instantly. I mean, who posts about poop? Darcy does. That’s who. :)
    Beth Teliho recently posted..In which I finally announce the winner. #chumslickMy Profile

    • Beth, you made me laugh out loud with your comment! Thank you for recognizing my special talents in that highly-specialized, seldom-discussed field. I am taking a gracious bow right now!

    • I should’ve started my own Bathroom Club! :o)

    • Ha! Yes, my supreme geekiness escaped detection just a bit longer!

  8. hahaha Did you two go on to become BFFs??
    I’m kind of the opposite of that. A bathroom has to be REALLY bad for me to worry about it. As a teen, I could hover if I were worried about it. I doubt many legs on earth could support my weight in that way now, so you were THEE right person to go before her in that stall!
    Joy Christi recently posted..Heroin-Induced Homicide: A Tale of 2 Hookers. Part 2My Profile

    • Ha! Impressed with your hovering talent! I can’t figure out how to crouch AND aim at the same time!

  9. I laughed out loud at lunch and now my co-workers are giving me the ‘what is your problem’ eye. And I can’t stop wanting to yell ‘I didn’t poop!’ as I leave the cantina!!
    Laura Ehlers recently posted..Like My Butt Depends on It…My Profile

    • Ha! Let’s use that expression anytime someone looks at us oddly! Doesn’t matter if we’re exiting a bathroom, an office, or an elevator — just shout, “I SWEAR I didn’t poop!”

  10. Alex said:

    Hah. The older I get, the worse my eyesight, and the more I swear I can see bacteria waving at me from loo seats. The worst I have ever come across was in Turkey, years ago. It was a wine bar in Istanbul. I took one look at the toilet and gagged. Obviously I held on until we reached our accommodation. From that moment on I have always “hovered or covered” (even on my own freshly cleaned loo) and I tell my daughters to do the same.

    • Ha! I love that phrase “hover or cover!” And I love that you do that on your own loo too! I myself wrap my own personal toilet in mounds of toilet paper before I sit my tush down!