When the Entertainer Invites You On-Stage to Reveal Your Naked…

When the Entertainer Invites You
So then…the comedian announces, “For this next bit, I need a young lady to join me on stage – who will volunteer?”

The audience in this dark little New York comedy club looks around jovially for a victim…er…volunteer.

My friends start waving and pointing at me. We’re all in our 20’s, working in midtown Manhattan firms, out for a night of comedy and drinking. I shush them, but the comedian spies the commotion and calls me up on stage.

Now I love watching live comedy – but I’m reluctant to actually participate in the show since comedians typically skewer innocent audience members. I won’t even get up to go to the bathroom during someone’s set, for fear of the scathing mockery that usually accompanies such an action.

But my friends are insistent — and the drinks are potent, so I finally agree to hop up on stage.

The comedian points the microphone at me and says, “What’s your name?”

I blanch. I’m not sure I want to reveal my name to the 300 people squeezed into this club, especially if I’m about to be embarrassed! So I keep it on a first-name basis.

“Darcy,” I say.

The comedian says, “OK, Darcy, and what do you do?”

“I’m in public relations and advertising,” I say.

“Oh,” he says. “And who do you work for?”

“Um…I’d rather not say,” I answer.

He frowns comically. “I don’t think you understand how advertising works, Darcy.”

We all laugh.

“In order to help PROMOTE the company, you might need to tell people the NAME of the company…” he continues. “Really, it’s sort of Advertising 101, dontcha think?”

He affects a high-pitched voice to impersonate me and addresses the audience, “Hey, you guys!  Let me tell you about this FABULOUS company with these AMAZING products.  You’re going to LOVE these products!  You can’t live WITHOUT these products!  You MUST buy them right NOW!  Go right NOW!  BUY THESE PRODUCTS!  Oh, you want to know the name of the products?  I can’t tell you.  It’s a secret.  Shhhh!  It’s a SEEEEEEEEE-CRET!

We all laugh but I stay mum.

He says, “OK, I needed a volunteer because I want to show everyone what I learned when I lived in a monastery.”

People laugh.

“No, no, I’m serious,” he says. “I actually thought about becoming a monk, so I lived in a monastery for a year in deep and spiritual contemplation. And I want to share what I learned.”

He says, “Take off your sock and shoe.”

I sit on the stool and obey — albeit warily.

He takes my bare foot in his hand, closes his eyes, assumes a pious expression, takes a deep breath, and hums a meditative note.

Then he takes his other hand, grabs my big toe, and intones in a solemn, holy voice,

“Haec paulo porcellum ad forum.”

Between his religious invocation, the crowd’s perplexed laughter, and my ticklish toes, I’m giggling like a school girl.

Then he grabs each successive toe and sonorously chants:

“Haec paulo porcellum domo manebat,
Haec paulo porcellum manducat bubulae,
Haec paulo porcellum, non
Et hic nobis paulo porcellum nos clamabat nos in omni via per domo-o-o-o-s!”

“And THAT, ladies and gentleman, is the Latin translation of ‘This Little Piggy Went To Market!’”

He raises my foot and takes a bow.

Thunderous applause. For both the chant — AND my naked foot.

So now I can add “Entertainer (Partial Nudity)” to my resume!

Which reminds me of my friend’s husband’s attempt to solicit photos of naked feet for a rather dubious reason…

— Darcy Perdu

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(Have you ever been called on-stage – and if so, what did you need to do? Any partial nudity involved (mandatory – OR voluntary)? Do you know any odd songs, rhymes, or phrases in another language? Do tell!)

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26 replies on “When the Entertainer Invites You On-Stage to Reveal Your Naked…

  1. Julie said:

    funny thing is, this being the first day I have worn sandels since last year, I was just looking at my feet this morning thinking “yep, at least you still have pretty feet… the rest of you might be bowing to the years a little bit but you still have nice feet.” I expect them to swell up out of spite today.

    • LOL! I love your positive affirmation, Julie: “At least I still have pretty feet” — I love that!
      Reminds me of the update I saw posted on someone’s Facebook the other day — she said, “I don’t want to brag, but the earrings I wore in high school still fit me.” Ha! That’s true for me too! I have pretty feet and pretty ear lobes!

  2. I humped the hypnotist in Las Vegas no less, on stage, while my entire family watched and hooted! Ah, memories (of which I have none except for the VHS tape purchased immediately after my disgrace.)

    • OH MY GOD!! That is priceless!! And hilarious!!
      I’m so glad they have evidence or you’d never have believed it!
      You hilarious hypnotist-humper you!

    • Ha! I will admit the potent cocktails may have factored into that decision! :o)

  3. I had the delightful experience of arriving late for Sociology in first year as my Theatre/Movement class had run long. Yanked open the door, tumbled and rolled down the stairs only to land on stage at my prof’s feet. Looking up her skirt. In front of 220 + first years. Jesus. Huge collective sigh of horror. All I could do was stand up and bow and beetle off to my seat.
    Kelly McKenzie recently posted..A Promise Is A PromiseMy Profile

    • LOL!! That’s hysterical!! I can just picture it! What an entrance! And I LOVE that you bowed!! You are a rock star!

    • What? That’s a first, Paul!! I’m sure if you think hard enough, you can come up with a related experience! I’m pullin’ for ya!

    • Good thing he only asked me to remove my sock and shoe… Ha!

  4. I was called on stage to sing when I was a kid…like I was so young I didn’t give a shit what people would think of me so I sang…and enjoyed it.
    Now? I’d wear an invisible coat if I can find one!
    Xae recently posted..Chronicles of Growing UpMy Profile

    • That’s awesome! That’s so cool that you just hopped up there and sang!
      As for your invisible coat idea, I’d LOVE to own one of those!! :o)

    • Believe me, I had no idea where HE was going with it! First remove the sock and shoe….then what!? Ha!

  5. There are three things in life that scare the crap out of me. One is heights, two are those legs that sprout out of potatoes and three is public speaking. I would have passed out. You have totally impressed me.

    • Ha! Those little legs growing out of potatoes scare me too! What happens if you let them grow unabated? I envision bizarre mutant potato people with long scraggly tentacles chasing me! EEEK!

  6. Hey, at least the potential addition on your resume won’t lead to memories of a “finding yourself period involving sequins and metal poles” in college. But I’m with you…I slink down in my chair when anyone asks for a volunteer.

    • Who told you about my “sequins & metal pole” phase? I was just paying my way through college, dammit! Don’t judge me! ha!

      • One of my “besties” from college paid off her loans by winning state-wide wet t-shirt contests. Trust me, no judging on this end lol.
        Ona recently posted..Tit Head and Shit HeadMy Profile

        • ha! I was only kidding, but now that I hear about your friend’s success, I wish I HAD shimmied and twerked my way through college instead of ending up with massive student loans! It’s never too late. Calling my local strip club right now to apply…

  7. Mica, mica, parva stella,
    Miror quaenam sistam bella.
    Splendens aminus in illo.
    Alba velut, gemma caelo.

    I can’t vouch for spelling cuz it has been a loooong time, and I am feeling too lazy to look it up. I won’t say what it is because even the cadence should give it away.
    Virginia Llorca recently posted..LemmingsMy Profile

    • Awesome! Twinkle Twinkle Little Star! Very impressive!