What Diabolical Bedevilment Is This Kid Up To NOW?

What Diabolical Plan Is My Kid Plotting Now? #funny #alarming @SoThenStories.com

So then…my teen son Tucker asks me to print a strange attachment. I’m busy on the computer so I just glance at it briefly, but it looks to be an IRS penalty letter and a flight itinerary to New York.

I snort because surely the IRS can’t be hounding my son to pay income taxes for a job – since HE DOESN’T HAVE ONE. (not that I’m bitter and resentful about that at all – not that I sweated my balls off working at Grandell’s Amusement Park in Louisiana’s hot humid heat when I was a teen – not that I think he should fill out a few more applications to be gainfully employed for the summer – cough cough)

So I print the attachment and go on about my business in my home office.

Tucker continues his flurry of activities throughout the house, occasionally calling out a question.

I try not to be a helicopter parent, but after awhile, I wonder if I should be concerned by his inquiries over the past few hours:

“Do we have a Polaroid camera for an instant picture?”

“Can you print out a W2 form please?”

“Where’s my passport?”

“Do we have any balloons?”

“Where’s the duct tape?”

What the hell?

Is he running away from home?

Is he an international fugitive?

Is he taking HOSTAGES?

Am I one of the hostages?

Just now he said, “Don’t come in the pantry, please.”

Trust me, buddy, I won’t.

I continue my phone calls and work emails, while posting some of the above questions on Facebook to see what my pals think. Comments range from:

“LMAO”

to

“I’d go in the pantry if I were you”

to

“Are you alive? Should we call the police?”

I figure I’d better check out what nefarious activities he’s up to, so I pop in his bedroom and find this:

You're Snorting What with My WHAT? #funny @SoThenStories.com

Tucker’s not there – just a bunch of foreign currency and his passport.

What country accepts euros AND pesos AND quetzals?

Hmm, maybe I SHOULD go see what’s in the pantry.

As I enter the kitchen, I see this:

You're Snorting What with My WHAT? #funny @SoThenStories.com

I die laughing because it appears to be the cocaine serving for a Sweet Suburban Housewife!

Please note the cocaine lines are cut with a BARNES & NOBLE GIFT CARD!

(not a Gold Am Ex card – a bookstore gift card!)

Apparently the cocaine’ll be snorted with a rolled-up BED, BATH & BEYOND COUPON!

(not a hundred dollar bill – a linen store coupon!)

And the baggie containing the cocaine is helpfully labelled, “Cocaine. Keep until June 2016”

That’s exactly how I label all my dry goods!

But I promise you, THIS IS NOT MY COCAINE!

First of all, I’d never tamper with a Bed, Bath & Beyond 20% Off Coupon – those things are like GOLD to me!

Second of all, IS there an expiration date for cocaine?

Third of all, I don’t do cocaine!

I do Ben & Jerry’s.

(which is FAR superior to cocaine)

So clearly, this little scene is my son’s handiwork.

And yes, the “cocaine” is flour.

But it’s oddly gratifying to know that even if my son were the ring leader of an international drug cartel, he’d be organized enough to LABEL his drugs and provide an EXPIRATION date.

I imagine that’d be quite impressive – and a real time-saver – when the cops bust him and take the drugs into evidence.

The last thing you want is a lab tech to stick his pinky in the powder and declare with a grimace, “Tsk, this cocaine’s gone bad” – or for the British cop to shout “Oi! Sarge, come sample da heroin – seems a bit off, don’t it?”

Finally I locate my fugitive – caught red-handed with scissors and a fake W2 form.

“Whatcha workin’ on there, buddy? Somethin’ for your kitchen cocaine?”

He laughs.

“Yes!” he exclaims. “It’s so funny! I’m working on a SnapChat story about a guy whose IRS fines are so huge, he has to turn to a life of crime to pay the government!”

And sure enough, a few moments later, he shows me his SnapChat photos and text which are pretty frikkin’ hilarious!

Of course, it seems a little implausible that someone would obscenely violate drug laws in order to comply with an income tax law – but hey, who am I to question the motivation of the lead character in a fictional SnapChat story?

I’m a mother — and I’m duty-bound to support my son in all his creative endeavors — even if a Bed, Bath & Beyond coupon is sacrificed in the process.

(stifles a sob)

— Darcy Perdu

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(Any creative mini-filmmakers or clever storytellers out there? How about kids who ask questions so bizarre, you’re almost afraid to find out why they want to know? DO you agree Ben & Jerry’s is far superior to cocaine?)

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31 replies on “What Diabolical Bedevilment Is This Kid Up To NOW?

  1. Hilarious! I will never purchase a bag of cocaine from here on out, unless of course, it has an expiration date stamped on it. I think you should get Tucker one of those labeler machines for Christmas. It would look more professional and the cops won’t be able to identify his handwriting.

    • Millie, that’s brilliant! Labels would definitely avoid the handwriting identication possibility!
      You’re now inducted into our crime syndicate! We need clever brainiacs like you!

  2. You know… All this could just be a clever ruse to throw you off his tracks. He may actually be an international super-spy building his cover story to ward off any future suspicion.

    Tell you what. If someone suddenly sneaks up behind me, puts a black bag over my head, kidnaps me, throws me in the back of a windowless van & takes me to an undisclosed location to “have a little talk” after I post this comment, you can just assume I was right.
    Vinny C recently posted..It’s A Good Thing Dogs Don’t Get Embarrassed.My Profile

    • Perfect, Vinny — it’s a plan. Let’s synchronize our watches. If I don’t hear from you in 12 hours, I’ll assume you’ve been kidnapped.
      But don’t worry, I’ll water your plants, feed your pets, and clear your internet browser history.

  3. Dana said:

    Do you think Tucker better call Saul?

    • Ha! Yes, as long as they don’t acutally act upon any of their “criminal” plans! :)

  4. Judy P said:

    Those are some really fat lines. Um… not that I know about that stuff personally, I just mean not like you see on those COPS shows.

    • Bwahaha! I thought the very same thing, Judy! Like, “DAMN those are some GENEROUS lines there, boy!” Ha!

  5. Paul said:

    Love the best before date on the “cocaine”. He may be onto something there – I’ve noticed my cocaine seems to be a bit stale lately.

    • Bwahaha! Gotta consume that coke quickly, lest it lose its lustre, Paul!

  6. Arionis said:

    Sounds like he’s gotten some creative spark from his Mom. You and your coupons and discounts. If you ever start doing cocaine I’m sure you’ll get the biggest discount from your dealer. :)

    • You know it, Arionis! I’d insist on Buy One, Get One; volume discounts; rewards points; and referral fees! :)

  7. Omg, the expiration date really got me! Haha! You must be raising him right, Girl.

  8. Grace said:

    You would think a teen who is that creative could get himself a summer job!

  9. Margot said:

    Ha! This post makes you look like a crime scene photographer.

    When my daughter was 2 and her verbal abilities were freakishly ahead of her reasoning ability, we had the following conversation while I was in the living room and she in the kitchen:

    Her: Don’t come in here now Mommy, OK?

    Me: OK. Why not?

    Her: …

    Me: Are you eating something you aren’t allowed to have right now?

    Her: Yes. I don’t want you to see me.

    She was so cute back then. Now that she has her driver’s license she needs to get a freaking job.

    • That’s adorable! I love how she confessed verbally but didn’t want you to actually SEE her.

  10. This is hilarious. Holy hell…the Barnes and Noble card. BRILLIANT

  11. My gosh, dying as always! And, yes, I know the worth of those coupons. At this point, I have enough of them saved to build a deck of cards.

    • Ha! Me too! If I find myself in Bed Bath & Beyond WITHOUT a coupon, I’m like, “NO NO WE HAVE TO GO HOME AND GET THE COUPONNNNNN….!”

  12. I see we have the same vice. I do Ben & Jerry’s too, but only if I can’t get high-grade Häagen-Dazs.

  13. James Conrad said:

    I enjoy your site.