We’ve Been Robbed! (And My Husband’s Ready to Name Names!)

We've Been Robbed! And My Husband's Ready to Name Names!  But... #funny #robbery #theft #HOA #humor

So then…his hand shoots up and the neighborhood HOA president calls on him. My husband David stands up at the homeowners meeting and announces: “We’ve been robbed!”

Two gasps and a shudder from the assembled homeowners.

They’re alarmed by this news since we live in a safe neighborhood, behind a guard-gated entry. It’s a newly-constructed neighborhood and so far, crime-free.

“What happened?” asks the HOA president.

“Well, I just wanted to tell the other residents to be cautious because our TIVO DVR machine was stolen right out of our living room,” David explains.

When did it happen?” asks another HOA board member.

“I’m not sure exactly, but sometime in the last few days. The TIVO machine was right there on top of the big screen TV and now it’s gone. Someone stole it right out of our house,” he says.

“Did they take anything else?” a homeowner asks.

“No, just that. But we called the TIVO headquarters and they said if the thief tries to use it, they can try to trace the phone number on the line and maybe find out who took it. We sometimes leave the garage open so the gardeners can access our sprinkler system controls. I think it might be our gardener’s new assistant.”

“What?” I hiss at him. “Don’t accuse someone!”

“Well, I’m just sayin’ — he appeared around the same time that the TIVO machine disappeared…”

I glare at him. (It seems odd that a robber would come into our living room to steal only the TIVO machine that records TV shows — and nothing else.) But now David’s tossing out potential suspects?

Homeowners murmur nervously amongst themselves, discussing the robbery and the relative safety of our neighborhood.

The president calls everyone to order, cautions them to keep their garage doors closed and to be vigilant for any suspicious activity in the neighborhood.

On Monday, TIVO calls us to say that the current phone number on the TIVO is — OUR PHONE NUMBER! Yikes! It’s like the story when the operator tells the babysitter that the scary “phone calls are coming from INSIDE the house – run, RUN!!”

But David says maybe the thief hasn’t hooked it up yet to his own home, so that’s why it’s still showing our phone number.

Meanwhile, I call George, our AV tech guy, to ask him if we can buy a new TIVO machine and can he hook it up for us. (We’re not very savvy with tech stuff, so George usually sets up all the computers, TVs, stereos, etc.)

He comes over with a new TIVO and asks which TV we want to connect to it. David tells him it’s for the living room TV because a thief stole the old one.

George looks at us funny and says, “Nobody stole your old one. It’s in the garage where I put it the last time I was here.”

“What?”

“Yeah, last time I was here installing something, I moved the TIVO to the garage and hooked up the remote so it can work from there – this way it doesn’t clutter the top of your big screen TV,” he says proudly.

David says, “But the TIVO doesn’t work. Are you sure?”

George looks around and asks, “Did someone move this desk? The cord to the TIVO must have got unplugged, but look — I just plugged it in — and now — it’s working fine.”

We look at the cord. We look at the desk that David moved a couple weeks ago. We look at the TIVO screen that’s now working. We look at the TIVO machine on a shelf in the garage.

I raise my eyebrow at David.

“So Matlock, did you want to trace that phone number again?” I ask. “Maybe fingerprint the gardener’s assistant, just in case? Anything else you’re missing? Your shoes maybe? Haven’t seen your sunglasses lately? Let’s run some DNA tests!”

He has the good sense to look sheepish.

I waste no time in lifting the veil of suspicion from our assistant gardener and the whole neighborhood in general. I don’t even wait ‘til the next HOA meeting.

I just immediately start telling the story to my neighbors and ask them to spread the word.

In fact, it’s such a funny story, I even tell it to people who don’t live in our neighborhood. I tell my co-workers, my family, party guests, the mailman, anyone who’ll listen.

As you can imagine, this pleases David no end. But I don’t feel bad since I am usually the one who’s jumping to conclusions (Creepy Stalker Dude’s Tye-Dyed Pillow) and making assumptions (Sex in a Pan).

So I’m delighted that for once, he can take the blame for being the bonehead.

For months afterward, party guests ask to see the Infamous Garage-Mounted TIVO Machine. Bwahaha!

— Darcy Perdu

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Illustration for So Then Stories by Innovative Ocean (www.innovativeocean.com)

(Anything gone missing in YOUR house?  Any other spouses who jump to conclusions on things? Any funny tales about neighborhood meetings, gardeners, or unexplained occurrences in YOUR house?)

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11 replies on “We’ve Been Robbed! (And My Husband’s Ready to Name Names!)

  1. Judy said:

    When things go missing I blame my husband and say he is trying to ‘gaslamp’ me into thinking I’m crazy. It is working too because invariably the missing item will show right back up in an inconspicuous place.

    The best thievery story is I woke up in the night because my car alarm went off. We live in an apartment complex so I don’t park next to where I live, so I woke up hubby and charged outside. As I passed a gate a cat jumped up on it, I peered over at it and said, “Not a cat, but a raccoon” and kept on trekking toward where we park. Hubby mutters, “Raccoon? Racoon?! That’s just stupid, no raccoons here…” I get to the edge of the carport and peer around cautiously because I can hear someone walking carefully in the gravel towards me. Suddenly hubby bursts on scene shrieking, “It *is* a raccoon! Holy cow! That WAS a raccoon! A raccoon!” and the person in the gravel bolts out of there and jumps over the really tall fence separating our property from the next. Thanks, honey, for the sneak attack. I called the cops and once they had their spotlight out you could see where the perp had put a chair up against the fence to help jump over it. The cop took the chair. He said it was better for me that the person ran off but I said no I was looking forward to ripping his balls off. I was pissed. So many cars and storage rooms had been broken into and management did nothing. The kid is lucky I didn’t catch him; I’d have ripped him apart in a rage. I’d had enough. I think hubby knew it because the next time it happened he yelled, “I’ve got the gun!” before we got to the parking area effectively scaring off anyone there. I think that deterred the thief and he quit coming. And yes, this is the wild west, hubby did have the gun. But ripping him apart with my bare hands would have been so much more satisfying.

  2. This is classic! I was waiting for it (the truth) and it totally was worth it! This is totally something that would happen at my house… in fact, it does every day with my husband’s wallet or keys that go “missing.”
    Rita Marie recently posted..I’m quirky!My Profile

  3. Stephanie R Awesome said:

    When I lived with my parents as a child I always had my best friends over. One is VERY short and VERY much prone to sneezing. We have found in different rooms of the house snot on our walls. Too high up for it to be my besty. Still has gone unsolved, but with the “our new house is haunted” mentality, I got ready for bed one night and as I went to lay down, my light on the fan turned on by itself!

    I was so scared, I RAN to my parents who told me that it was not the snotty ghost, but my own mishap of not pulling the cord all the way down. I felt pretty silly for a while as my parents rettold that story to different people.

  4. Ha ha Darcy I wish my husband would screw up for once. I am always the one that screws up like this and starts accusing. Damn, I hate that my husband is always the one smugly telling me, “See, I told you not to jump to conclusions.”
    Vivian recently posted..Why Google why?My Profile

  5. That’s really funny. I can totally see that happening, but unfortunately I would play the part of your husband. hahaha.
    Alison recently posted..Don’t jinx me, bro.My Profile

  6. AinOakPark said:

    So I was 14 and home alone with my sister who was 8. We had a basement with access from outside the house, but no access from within the house. It is (a dark and scary) night. We hear noises, like someone is pushing boxes around in the basement. It is really bothering us, so we call the neighbors. They come over and the man of the couple goes down and checks out the basement, but doesn’t see anything. It is normally left unlocked, so he closes the padlock. All safe they tell us. “If we see anything, we’ll call the police,” they say. My sister and I are so freaked out we are sitting in the living room (since we continue to hear the noises) holding kitchen knives. My parents come home, take one look at us there, white-faced, clenching the knife handles and we tell them the story, forgetting to mention the neighbors are on patrol.

    My father goes down to check things out and about 5 minutes later the doorbell rings. Parents look perplexed until I say, “It’s the police. Sy and Muriel said they’d call if they saw anything.” Of course the neighbors saw my father, who went down to check it out, but couldn’t tell it was him, so they called the police. The police were really nice about it all, checking it out and saying things to my fretful mother like, “All in a day’s duty, M’am.” No one was in the basement. No bad guys lurking about in the neighborhood. It turns out there were some large, dry sycamore tree leaves in the breezeway between our house and the neighbor’s fence and they were scratching along the cement making the noise we were hearing. I remember my father being a bit miffed, but my mother being relieved.

  7. Haha! Awesome. One time, all of my Easter candy went missing. Turns out, my husband ate it all. My Easter candy. He ate it ALL. I was pretty mad.

  8. Hahaha Hilarious!

    I’m guilty of believing we had thieves. When the kids were young, we were going for a little walk with our dog and I didn’t bother with locking the door, as we were supposed to be back in “no time”. Of course with kids and dogs involved, everything takes a lot longer than you expect. We got back. I walked quickly into the kitchen to get fresh water for the dog. I stop. Freeze. Walk backwards out of the kitchen and exclaim:

    “The dining room table is gone! We’ve had thieves while we were gone, but it must be the dumbest thieves in history as they left the chairs…”

    The kids and I are quite baffled, but none has any idea what has happened. The phone rings and I pick it up. It’s my mother in law.

    Me: “We’ve been robbed!”

    MIL: “What?!?”

    Me: “Yes, thieves came while we were walking the dog and they stole our dining room table, but forgot to take the chairs…”

    MIL: “Those bastards! I told them to take the coffee table, not the dining room table!”

    Me: “Uhm…you know these thieves?”

    MIL: “Yes! They stole the wrong table!”

    Turns out my MIL had sent up my father in law and youngest son to borrow our coffee table for the big dinner party she was preparing the next day. She had asked hubby, but he had forgotten to tell me. FIL thought I had left the doors open for him :P

    Thankfully I didn’t have time to accuse any of the neigbours, as I’m sure I would have!

    Cara(Eli) recently posted..MagicMy Profile

  9. The list of me blaming my husband for shit that goes missing and later finding them exactly where I put them is endless. One time, I swore to my husband that the cleaning lady swiped my adapter but found it in another room of the apartment, where I probably put it because she was cleaning our room.
    Thankfully, I hadn’t announced her thievery to the whole neighborhood when I found it.
    Xae recently posted..She is Tall TooMy Profile

  10. hahaha! Honest mistake…I guess, but Hey can you post a picture of the “infamous garage-mounted TIVO machine” at the end of this post so we can get the full effect?