My Business Outfit is Missing a LITTLE Something…

Funny - Slipping Stockings
So then…I pop open my suitcase to pull out my special outfit for the big client presentation on my four-day whirlwind trip to Hong Kong. I need to look my most professional for our clients and the executives at the Shenzhen manufacturing plant this morning.

I’ve brought a special black silk suit — and yes, even pearls and high heels. But when I open the brand new package of pantyhose, I discover that it actually contains…stockings.

You know, stockings. The kind that are just individual casings for the legs, that are supposed to clip into the special garter belt you wear around your waist. Only I didn’t bring a special garter belt. Because I don’t own one.

I only wear pantyhose. You know, the kind with legs connected into a nifty little casing for your butt and waist that you just pull up — and everything stays in place like it’s supposed to? Only I didn’t buy pantyhose. I bought stockings by mistake!

OK, no need to panic. I’m an intelligent woman. I’m staying in a sophisticated metropolis.

Surely I can solve this problem before meeting the client downstairs at 7:00 a.m.

I call the hotel operator. She says, “So sorry. Hotel gift shop not open until 9:00 a.m.”

I rifle through my suitcase. Two pairs of blue jeans. I had sent the business casual pants to the hotel dry cleaners yesterday.

I call the operator again. “So sorry. Hotel dry cleaner not open until 8:00 a.m.”

Back to the suitcase. Two pairs of black trouser socks that come mid-calf. I try on the black silk skirt, which comes mid-knee.

But maybe…if I can just pull down the skirt a bit…and stretch the socks up as far as they can go…and just sort of hunch through the day, maybe it will work. I look in the mirror. Uh…no.

OK, perhaps I’ll just wear the suit without pantyhose. How bad can that be? Yes, it’s January. Yes, it’s freezing. My legs are just a shade whiter than snow. And I haven’t shaved since Halloween. I look in the mirror. Uh…no.

OK, I know, I know! I can call my co-worker. He’s just down the hall. Perhaps he has some pantyhose. Maybe his wife accidentally packed some for him. Or maybe he just travels with pantyhose for his own personal reasons. Who am I to judge? (I decide it’s better not to know.)

Back to the suitcase. I pull on the stockings. They actually look great. I walk around the room. With each step, they slide down my thighs, closer to my ankles. If only I had something to keep them up. I rummage through the hotel bathroom amenities. Qtips, cotton, shower cap, mini nail file. Where’s MacGyver when you need him?

So that gives me a great idea. I call the front desk and ask if they happen to have pantyhose available for forgetful guests. “Pardon me?” she says.

“You know, like when guests forget toothpaste or hair dryers or whatnot, and you provide it for free? Well, I need pantyhose. Does the hotel provide complimentary pantyhose?”

“So sorry. We do not offer this to guests,” she replies.

“Oh. Um…well, do YOU have any pantyhose I could borrow? Or even a garter belt? Black would be best, but at this point, I’m pretty desper—”

Click.

OK, no problem. I can handle this. My eyes dart around the room frantically, looking for some device to keep the stockings safely mid-thigh. I see the desk, which gives me a brilliant idea.

I zip downstairs to the 24-hour hotel business center. Luckily, it’s deserted. I make a beeline for the complimentary office supplies and rummage through paperclips (too short to hook to my panties), glue (too messy), and staples (too painful).

Aha! Scotch Tape!
This Business Outfit Scotch Tape
I hike up my skirt as discreetly as possible and wrap the tape around the top of the stocking and my right thigh several times. I walk around. It seems to hold pretty well. I strap the other stocking to my left leg with layers of tape and I’m good to go. Excellent!

I sit through most of the journey to the factory in the Chinese countryside, so all is well. I alternate between smiling at my little secret – and worrying that it might be discovered. But I’m determined to be professional regardless.

As we tour the factory, I’m surrounded by the manufacturer’s executives (all men) as well as my client’s team (also all men). As I walk, I hear little crinkly noises as the layers of tape on each thigh rub against each other. I glance around to see if anyone else notices. My key buyer has a furrowed brow – but is that because he’s examining the factory’s material testing process – or because he’s thinking “What the hell’s going on under Darcy’s skirt?”

As we progress through the factory, I can feel the tape losing the adhesive battle. It makes a valiant effort, but it can only withstand gravitational forces for so long.

The stockings start to slide. I start to panic. I can’t even imagine the shock on my colleagues’ faces if my stockings and wads of tape suddenly drop to my ankles. I’d be mortified.

I quickly excuse myself to the ladies room, just as the left stocking stutters to a halt at knee level. I rip off the stockings and limp tape, stashing them in the trash can.

When I rejoin the group, the men practically have to shield their eyes from the bright white of my pale legs. No one mentions the missing stockings. I pretend to be calm and confident as my white bare limbs blind passersby.

To be candid, I’m mightily disappointed in the product quality of Scotch Tape. As I hobble through the rest of the tour, I consider sending them a strongly-worded complaint about their inferior adhesiveness in relation to the human thigh on a typical Chinese winter day.

— Darcy Perdu

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(Ever forget a crucial item on a business trip or vacation? Any wardrobe malfunctions or clever fixes? Share in the Comments Section!)

This Business Outfit P

GOLDEN SIDEBOOB AWARD
Meanwhile, funny Mike Regione from Joe Floggers sent me the Golden Sideboob Award, which was created by awesome Lizzi Rogers at Considerings as a crazy award for people brazen enough to post the award to their blog!

The Golden Sideboob

Of course, when you brag to your friends about receiving this award — instead of applauding, they’ll look befuddled and say, “Who sent you a Golden What?” Winners get to nominate the next winner — someone funny, bold, and brazen enough to post it, so I award the Golden Sideboob to Liesl Testwuide at Hairpin Turns Ahead. Congrats, Liesl! Add THIS beauty to your resume! — Darcy Perdu

GOLDEN SIDEBOOB AWARD
More good news! Funny Fran Fischer from Fishducky, Finally! also bestowed an award that my blog is Fish Ducky approved!  She says it’s almost as good as a Nobel Prize for Literature!  I’ll take it!  Thanks, Fran!
Fishducky

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34 replies on “My Business Outfit is Missing a LITTLE Something…

  1. Meg said:

    This has happened to me. Elastic bands are the trick. They may cut off your circulation, but they will stay up!

    • Ha! Great tip! Not sure I could get elastic bands around my Thunder Thighs, but perhaps I should travel with them just in case I accidentally purchase stockings instead of pantyhose again! :o)

  2. Love, love, LOVE this! And what professional behaviour – from the other businesspeople ;)

    LOVE that you’ve got your Golden Sideboob displayed so proudly, and well done for finding another to nominate.
    Considerer recently posted..7 Quick Takes #50 (yay!) x FTSFMy Profile

    • thanks, Lizzi, and I’m sure you’ve been asked this before —
      since you invented the Golden Sideboob Award — is that YOUR Golden Sideboob in the photo?

    • Face Palm!
      Why didn’t I think of that? Duct Tape would DEFINITELY held those stockings up!
      Of course I might never have gotten the duct tape OFF my thighs, but still!

      • Judy said:

        I was thinking that duct tape would have been the answer to all your prayers. I knew a gal who loved stockings and wore them all the time. Bitch had skinny enough thighs that they just stayed up. It ain’t right.

  3. Chris said:

    I bet duct tape would have held. :-)

    • maybe I should travel with that in my briefcase!

  4. So, as I was reading and laughing, I felt bad and hoped that at this point I’m laughing with you and not at you.
    My first instinct would have been to use rubber bands – probably would have cut off the circulation (I don’t have tiny thighs) but I think they might have worked.
    Kim recently posted..Proud MamaMy Profile

    • I worry the rubber bands wouldn’t fit — or might have served as an unwelcome tourniquet! ha!

  5. Oh…My…GOD!!! I’ve never worn actual stockings before! I wouldn’t have a clue as to what to do! I think the tape was inspired!! I can’t believe it lasted so long…even if it wasn’t the entire day. :D –Lisa

    • Actual stockings with the garter belt are really fun and sexy. You should try it some time! Make sure you Vajazzle first, of course!

    • Or a photometric light deflector to protect innocent bystanders from my white leg glare!

  6. You cannot imagine how I much I can relate to this post. This is my life! How’d you manage to find your way into it?

    My mom and I had many buying trips to Southeast Asia over the years during my time working with her in her asian antiques shop. Once in Thailand mom was desperate to cool off in the pool. It was exceedingly hot. Of course she’d forgotten to pack her bathing suit. She shot off to the gift shop. Imagine my delight to see her arrival on the pool deck sporting: a shower cap, her bra and … a voluminous pair of men’s swimming trunks.
    Kelly McKenzie recently posted..A Firecracker of A Hallowe’enMy Profile

    • I LOVE your Mom! What a fantastic attitude!
      It’s like: honey badger don’t have a swimsuit. honey badger don’t care. honey badger is swimming ANYHOW!
      Love it!

  7. Lady Anne said:

    I purchased a pair of thigh-high stockings for my mom when she was in a nursing home, as they were easier to put on than pantyhose. When she died, there were two unopened pair, so I decided to give them a whirl. They slow began to roll down my legs, stopping at my knees. I felt like a flapper! I was afraid to sit down, and I really wasn’t sure about standing up too straight.

    And then there was the time our car broke down in New York City, and I found myself without “sanitary supplies” in the middle of the night. The machine in the hotel ladies room was empty, but I finally got one of the female front desk people to go to the drug store for me.

    • wow — I can’t believe you convinced the front desk lady to go to the drug store for your sanitary supplies! Awesome! Sister Power!

  8. Paul said:

    Congratulations on both your “Golden SideBoob Award” and “Fishducky Approval”! An astounding achievement, especially coming so close together.

    Your post was very funny – I’ve visited China, so I can understand how much more serious a stocking malfunction is there than in other parts of the world. I imagine you towered over your Chinese counterparts – making your legs much closer to their eyes.I will join your other readers in saying that duct tape is definitely the answer – I don’t leave home without it. Ha!

    Men too suffer the “something missing” syndrome in business; although it is usually not wardrobe related (I suspect it is because their wardrobe is simpler and more rugged). Working as the Regional Safety Manager for a tanker company, I was also responsible for any customer complaints, incidents, shortages, misdeliveries, etc. One particularly unremarkable morning I was busy at my desk when a customer called. He wanted to know why he had not received his delivery of 26,000 liters (7,000 gallons) of gas the previous night. I checked the driver’s paperwork and the gas had been loaded and delivered according to the bills of lading. As I was pondering this apparent contradiction, the Terminal Manager wandered into my office and asked what I was working on. I replied: “It appears as if we misplaced 7,000 gallons of gas last night.” For some reason this disturbed him. I filled him in on the details and he suggested I call the station back and make sure the gas wasn’t there. I did, and the station owner was adamant that he did not have the gas; however he suggested that I try his competitor on the opposite side of the highway interchange. This was also one of our customers and was the same brand as the station missing the gas, but he was C.O.D. – he was supposed to pay the driver on delivery. I called, spoke to the owner and he assured me he was not aware of receiving the unintended delivery. When I asked him to check again, he reluctantly admitted that he may have had a bit more inventory than expected that morning. Yeah, right – it is not possible to think that 7,000 gallons of extra inventory is “a bit more than expected”. A trip out to visit him and get a cheque for the “missing” gas soon straightened out the problem. As for the driver…weelll…I was waiting for him when he came in for his evening shift – a small chat was in order.

    • A “small chat” indeed!
      Although, I imagine that you handled it like a gentleman, Paul, since all your comments are so well-articulated. I can’t imagine you busting into a profanity-laced diatribe! :o)

  9. I am so proud that you displayed the golden sideboob on your site, not that I had any doubt that you would!

  10. Julie said:

    I suppose stretching them to tuck into your undies was not an option? It seems the last time I bought stockings they had a kind of rubbery couple lines at the top meant to keep them up. I suffer from toothpick legs, or at least I did and the tuck was my “fix”

    You crack me up Darcy! I would think the hair on your whiter than white legs would have prevented some of the glare! Too bad leg hair doesn’t grow up! it could have acted like “hooks” to help keep the stockings up!

    You deserve the awards!

  11. Pingback: I Love a Stacked Platform! - Blogger Idol

  12. Linda W said:

    Wardrobe malfunctions are my specialty. 1. I entered a dance contest at a bar in Houston, I won 2nd place! My friend Steph took pictures that I couldn’t wait to have developed. (1985) In the picture of me dancing, you can clearly see my zipper is entirely down! And I ONLY GOT 2nd place? 2. Went to a bar (I went to a lot of bars but I was in my twenties, so whatever) it was what we call a shotgun bar; long and skinny with the bar running along one side and tables and pool tables along the other. I went to the tiny bathroom at the back of the bar, then made my way to the front of the bar where friends were playing pool. As I passed my friend Lisa and the bartender, they burst into laughter, but couldn’t catch their breath long enough to tell me what they were laughing at, so I continued toward the front of the bar. When I arrived, I turned to see out of the corner of my eye, that I had toilet paper trailing from the bathroom, the full length of the bar, and tucked neatly into the back of my jeans. Lisa and the bartender were still howling, and with that, I started cracking up too. 3. When I was nursing and sleep-deprived, I once walked into a retail store with my breasts fully exposed. (I had nursed my daughter, plopped her into the car seat, and drove, totally forgetting to put my milk jugs away)

    • omigod! I am DYING laughing! Each one of your stories is funnier than the last!!
      I’d love to have seen the store clerk’s face when you walked in, boobs aflyin’!!

  13. Sara L said:

    I have been in this almost exact same situation – only I bought the stockings on purpose for a big date out of town. I had no idea that I would also need a garter belt, having never worn them before. You know what works surprising well as a makeshift garter belt? 4 paperclips (the heavy-duty kind) , 2 rubber bands, and a few pieces of tape. Put a couple layers of tape near the top of the outside of the stockings (to prevent runs). Hook the rubber bands through 2 of the paperclips, then poke those through the stockings. Poke the other two paperclips through your underwear, then hook the rubber bands to those paperclips. Voila! A semi-scratchy but fairly functional garter belt. :)

    • Wow, Sara, you’re a real MacGyver! I applaud your ingenuity! :o)

  14. Sebastian said:

    Very funny story Darcy!! Like always..Thanks to the Bloggess for directing me here.
    Now, when I saw the word “Shenzen” I immediately remember this article http://www.wired.com/2011/02/ff_joelinchina/ This is the reason why I try to avoid buying stuff on eBay that comes from Shenzhen

    • Glad you enjoyed the story, Sebastian! That Shenzen article is very chilling!