So then…I win another Humor Award!
What the what what?!
Yep, I entered the BlogHer competition in 2013 and 2014 – and I won a Humor VOTY both times!
So now I think I’m all that.
And I shall be insufferable and insist on a human umbrella holder to accompany me at all times – even indoors. I shall demand that no one look me directly in the eye or breathe in my direction. I shall require Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream to be served at all my meals…BY Ben and Jerry themselves.
So what’s a VOTY? BlogHer communications and media organization invites writers and bloggers to enter a competition for Voices Of The Year in 4 categories: Humor, Heart, OpEd, and Exploration. The winners are celebrated at the annual BlogHer conference.
Out of thousands of entries, they choose 25 VOTY winners in each category – and I’m VERY EXCITED to be a winner in the 2014 Humor category!
And I’m especially thrilled that it’s for one of my favorite posts!
My Secret Accomplishment is about an AMAZING feat that should probably REMAIN secret since the topic is a bit…indelicate for polite company. But hells bells, people, we ain’t polite!
So here’s the winning post in all its inappropriate glory!
My SECRET Accomplishment
So then…I poop a Q.
An amazing, perfectly-shaped Q.
It is truly a remarkable thing to behold, but I cannot think of even one person that I can show.
It’s not exactly the type of thing that you can point out to a co-worker –
Like “Hey, Brenda, come look at the Q I pooped! Come quick! It’s an UPPER CASE Q!”
And probably not the type of thing to gather the family round for a group viewing –
Like, “Hey, kids, look what Mom just made!”
It’s one of those things I will have to keep to myself.
I consider taking a photo.
But I couldn’t text it to anyone. And I couldn’t post it.
And I certainly wouldn’t want the Costco photo guy to have to print it out –
or for some relative to stumble across it years from now in a faded photo album and say, “What the hell is this?”
Or DO I?
It is a pretty incredible accomplishment.
“That’s the time I pooped a Q!” I’d say proudly.
“No shit?” they’d say admiringly. And we’d have a good laugh at the unintended pun.
I check my exquisite sculpture and marvel again at its uncanny resemblance to the letter Q. I almost wonder if perhaps tomorrow I will produce another letter – and if, in fact, someone is trying to send me a message.
Since today is a Q, the rules of spelling would dictate that tomorrow’s letter would need to be a U, so I’m wondering what letters would come next. Over time, would I be spelling out Queen?
Quick, Get Me Outta Here – I’m Trapped in Your Lower Intestine!
My God, that would take weeks to spell out. But you can be sure that I’ll be checking to see if such a message is forthcoming.
I’m not entirely sure when I first began examining my output. I know there was a time when I wouldn’t have given a thought to checking the bowl – just take care of business, wash hands, and out the door.
But at some point awhile back, I started the habit of a quick glance.
I’m not sure if it is curiosity – or a health check – or just that my daily life is so devoid of real accomplishment that my confidence needs the occasional boost from creating a successful bowel movement. Sort of a Defecation Celebration, if you will.
But oh today, I am quite proud. I’ve produced a perfect Q — and with no conscious effort!
This was not deliberate, I assure you. Don’t envision me intentionally leaning, rotating, gyrating to create this letter – this was all perfectly natural. And a delightful surprise!
And yet, there is no way to preserve my masterpiece. No bronzing. No shellacking.
A quick flush and it will be gone forever.
I can only write about the existence of it in this post – with no evidence to support my claim.
But I assure you, it is a perfect Q.
– Darcy Perdu
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(Comments: I seriously considered not allowing comments on this post since I usually encourage you to post a RELATED story – and I’m not quite sure I can handle reading lots of comments about YOUR poop, your KID’S poop, and your PET’S poop that resemble other letters, shapes, states, and celebrities. BUT…you were gracious enough to read about my Q – so bring it on – deluge me with stories of your funny feces! Keep it as clean as you can!)
FOR SOME GREAT LAUGHS, click 2014 BlogHer Voices Of The Year Winners to read the winning entries of my fellow Humor Winners — and check out the Winners in Heart, OpEd, Exploration, and Photos!
In the Humor category:
- Brent Almond from Designer Daddy for Is Being A Dad Turning Me Straight?
- Jennifer Ball-Tufford from The Happy Hausfrau for 7 Things You Totes Need to Stop Saying if You’re Over 30 (Oops, There’s One of Them)
- Victoria Elizabeth Barnes from Victoria Elizabeth Barnes for The Kingdom Mirror: My Post that Went Viral and Changed Everything
- Stephanie Bernaba from Momma Be Thy Name for Tricks or Treats: What Will You Choose?
- Vikki Claflin from Laugh Lines for Doctor, Can You Give Me a Lift?
- Bill Dameron from The Authentic Life for The Queen and Me: Excuse Me, But You’re Standing on My Platform
- Marcia Kester Doyle from Menopausal Mother for 10 Reasons Why I Love Menopause
- Kim Forde from The Fordeville Diaries for Target Always Wins
- Brenna Jennings from Suburban Snapshots for And This is Why I Don’t Camp
- Nancy Davis Kho from Midlife Mixtape for How to Maximize the Drama Inherent in a Wild Turkey Encounter
- Kelcey Kintner from The Mama Bird Diaries for Guest Post By My 3-year-old Son
- Stephanie Lewis from Once Upon Your Prime for Don’t Change the Channel-er
- Elizabeth Jayne Liu from Flourish in Progress for Hustle Hard Interview Project: Harv & Cal
- Mushrooms Up from Funny for Nothing for All I Wanted Was to Be Rich and Famous
- Darcy Perdu from So Then … Stories for My SECRET Accomplishment —(Photographs ABSOLUTELY Forbidden!)
- Mary Laura Philpott from I Miss You When I Blink for Looking Bad Is The New Looking Good
- Sarah Powers from Powers of Mine for An Open Letter to People Who Can’t Stop Talking About Pumpkin Spice Lattes
- Jodee Rose from The Cheeseblarg for Tattoos … The Final Frontier
- Linda Roy from Elleroy Was Here for While the Iron’s Hot
- Mary Widdicks from Outmanned for My Boobs Are Full of Surprises
Aussa Lorens from Hacker.Ninja.Hooker.Spy receives the People’s Choice Award for Humor for 7 Ways Your Life Is Like High School , and the readers for Humor will be: