The Funny Secret the Nun Told Me

Funny Secret the Nun Told Me #humor #sing #church #nun  #school #kids

So then…I perk up as soon as I hear the opening notes of my favorite song. I immediately stop fidgeting with my blue plaid Catholic school uniform.

I grin widely. I love this song! I LOOOOVE this song!

I straighten my shoulders and stand proudly amongst the other 5th graders in our pews in Friday morning Mass.

Here it is, here it is! I joyously sing the awesomely odd lyrics to my favorite hymn:

Sons of God, hear His Holy Word
Gather ‘round the table of our Lord

Eat His body, Drink His blood
Now we’ll sing a song of love

Allelu
Allelu
Allelu
Allelu-u-ujah!

Of course it doesn’t even occur to me that the song’s a bit morbid…
and perhaps even a bit cannibalistic…
what with all the talk of “eating His body and drinking His blood.”

But to a 10-year-old, it makes perfect sense that we’d gobble Him up – then “sing a song of love.” Nom nom nom. La lala lala.

And you have to remember that “Twilight,” “True Blood,” and “Vampire Diaries” had not yet burst onto the scene with their lustful carnal blood-suckery

so this was all just common, everyday slurpin’ up some Jesus juice.

Nothing bizarre here, folks. Just a friendly invite:

Gather ‘round the table of our Lord
Eat His body, Drink His blood
Now we’ll sing a song of love

It’s really just like saying, “Hey everybody, come on over to my house and pull up a chair. Let’s eat Swanson chicken pot pies and drink some Tang – then break out the guitar and sing Kumbaya!”

I smile happily at all the students and teachers crowded into this chapel at our school.

My brunette curls jingle-jangle as I boisterously belt out the chorus of the song.

I LOVE the “Allelu’s.”

I’m really getting’ into it – hips swayin’, face scrunched, eyes closed, crooning away.

Now granted, I possess much more ENTHUSIASM than TALENT –

and, in fact, it’s widely known in my family that I’m tone-deaf –

but I still roar that tune LOUDLY and PROUDLY.

As we file out of the chapel, one of the nuns sidles up next to me, puts a caring hand on my shoulder, smiles kindly, and whispers gently, “You know, God loves the lip-synchers too.”

Oh.My.God.

Did she just say that to me?

Yes – yes, she did!

Is she an Angel of God? My own personal Celestial Messenger, with a note from above –

“The Lord hears ya, babe, and while He appreciates the effort – please remember He is omniscient, omnipotent, and omnipresent – so no need to actually VOCALIZE your tribute – He can hear you telepathically. So go easy on the eardrums of your fellow humans and just THINK the lyrics, mmmkay?”

At least, that’s how I interpret her remark: “You know, God loves the lip-synchers too.”

Of course at age 10, I don’t realize how hilarious this is – so I just nod piously, with big eyes. I harbor no ill will toward the dear old nun – she is, afterall, the music teacher, quite elderly, with sensitive ears, and seated directly next to my boisterous bellowing at the chapel.

I pledge a secret vow of silence whenever singing is required at Mass – which lasts exactly one week until the next Mass – when I gleefully and loudly rock out to…

Allelu
Allelu
Allelu
Allelu-u-ujah!

— Darcy Perdu

Catch each funny true tale by subscribing right here!

(Are you a wonderful warbler – or musically-challenged like me? Regardless of your skill level, what’s a song that you blissfully belt out with joyful abandon? Any teachers/coaches offer you some “helpful” hints when you were a kid?)

If you smiled -- share it!
If you LAUGHED -- share it TWICE!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CommentLuv badge

64 replies on “The Funny Secret the Nun Told Me

  1. Tracy said:

    I went to a first communion ceremony a few weeks ago and that was the first time I ever really thought about how morbid or cannibalistic that song is. LOL!

    • Right, Tracy? And it’s such an upbeat tempo, you’d think we were singing about lollipops and rainbows! So funny!

  2. Ouch! I’m glad to see that she didn’t permanently silence you. I’ve been a whisper-singer at church for as long as I can remember. And that’s WITHOUT anyone asking me to keep it down.
    Cassandra recently posted..Let Them Eat DirtMy Profile

    • I love that: “whisper-singer!” Perfect description!

  3. Julie said:

    Darcy! No teacher should ever do that to a child much less a nun! I am glad it didn’t phase you! God gave you that voice and He loves to hear his children sing! Allelu!

    • I agree! and He’s the one who gave me that voice, so I’m sure He knows I’m doing the best I can with what I got! Ha!

    • Julie said:

      Or at least that was the lesson I thought I learned thru my years of Catholic school…’course we tried to get away with not singing… or lip sync…. I guess they could tell when one or two of the 25 weren’t singing….

  4. This piece is priceless, Darcy! Too funny that the nun thought it fit to squelch the enthusiam of her most passionate singer! You know, for a few years, I sat next to someone in choir who was so off-key, it was hard for the rest of us to hear the right note! But as hard as it was to deal with, I always figured if someone wanted to praise God in song, who am I to say it’s wrong? You can sing with me anytime!
    Parri Sontag (Her Royal Thighness) recently posted..The Man Who Knows His Way to My HeartMy Profile

    • Ha! Thanks, Parri! I’ll be a back-up singer in your Broadway show! :o)

  5. Sarah said:

    I sing beautifully. It’s everybody else who have “off key” ears.

    • Oh, Sarah, I LOVE this response! I have a whole new outlook! I’m adopting this new attitude!

  6. Nuns say the most… Memorable things to the most…. Impressionable people! It was just a prelude for all those zingers that were to come! Wish I could forget a few myself! It’s hard… Funny and amusing, but tough to forget!!

    • Exactly! One of the SVA nuns told me we’d get pregnant from kissing a boy! What the what?

      • Julie said:

        Ahhhh! **sigh** a good old school attempt to keep you from getting pregnant! How refreshing! :)

        • Seriously! It’s a wonder I ever figured anything out, what with all the misinformation I was fed! Ha!

  7. AinOakPark said:

    Hahaha! Are we related? My husband of 30 years is still counting ON ONE HAND the people who sing even worse than I sing!

    I say that GOD SAID, “MAKE A JOYFUL NOISE” – So sing your heart out at church, but PAH-LEEZE don’t sing karaoke!

    • Yes, we are Song Soul Sisters — musically challenged, but happily making our joyful noises!
      They’ll assign us our own cloud in Heaven, far from the harps and angelic voices of those more musically gifted!
      I DID sing karaoke once — and I did a FABULOUS job — although to be fair, I was heavily inebriated at the time!
      (Hey, maybe that’s the answer! Get plastered, THEN go sing in Church!)

      • AinOakPark said:

        Um, didn’t the nun tell you that friends don’t let friends drink and church?

        On the other hand, I have never been drunk enough to sing karaoke, and I know I’ve never been drunk enough to enjoy others singing it either. I came close when a temporary teacher sang I LIKE BIG BUTTS at an end-of-the-year school party. Any wonder she was not asked back?

        • You’re hysterical — “friends don’t let friends drink and church!” I need to make that into a bumper sticker!

          and omigod, I LOVE the “I love big butts” song! That’s hysterical that she sang it at the end-of-the-year school party! Now THAT’S a chick we could hang with! hilarious song at completely inappropriate venue? — my type of peeps!

  8. My first thought was, “Why is she drunk at church?” because being drunk is what usually leads me to bellow, “I LOVVVEE this song”. My last thought was that God does love drunks and children, so either way, you’re good.. But then, right after that thought, I thought, but he loves dogs, too, right? It was drunks and children and dogs? Or was it watermelon or kids eating watermelon and old drunk dogs or something like that. And then I realized I’m an old drunk, and senile to boot, so my window has probably closed and I wish I had belted out more hymns when I was a young drunk like you. But then I realized that Tom T. Hall is not God, so who’s to say he knows anything about what God likes. And then I realized that it’s time for me to go. So….goodbye…love this post.

    • Judging from your comment, it’s possible you’re drunk RIGHT NOW! HA!
      And you’re right, when someone says “I LOOOOVE this song” they ARE usually drunk.
      As for me, at age 10, I was just drunk on Jesus juice and brotherly love and worship hymns.
      As an adult, I definitely think my singing ability improves directly proportional to my alcohol intake! :o)

  9. I love a nun with a sense of humor. They’re rare. “…slurpin’ down some Jesus juice…” is a complete keeper. I want you to know that I snorted all through this. I’m right there with you in the Catholic school alum pew. ;)

    • I should have known we’re kindred spirits, Linda — we survived the Catholic school trenches! :o)

  10. That is hilarious. I knew someone who would say I was, “Scaring the horses.” Hasn’t stopped me from singing loud and proud. At least in my car.
    Carrie recently posted..What Makes a Man a Dad?My Profile

    • Carrie, that’s so funny! I never heard that expression. And I love that you’re “scaring the horses” and your blog name is “Ponies and Martinis” — coincidence? I think not! Perhaps you DRINK the martinis, then SING off-key to scare the PONIES! :o)

  11. God really loves you when he sent that Nun. He wants to protect you from being bullied by others, perhaps?

    Or YOU bullying THEM with your singing.

    Hahahahaha I’m so sorry this is too hilarious!

    • Wann! You’re so funny AND you raise a good point. I guess my singing could qualify as a form of torture!
      Whenever I’d sing loudly in my bedroom, my Mom would come running in and say breathlessly, “What’s wrong? What’s wrong? Who’s sick?” I’d say, “I’m just SINGING, Mom!” And she’d say, “Oh thank God, I thought someone was in mortal pain back here — I never heard such caterwauling in my life!” “Mo-om!” I’d protest. She’d turn to go, “Honestly,” she’d say, “I thought I’d have to rush you to the hospital.” See what I mean? My family loves to tease me about being tone-deaf!

      • Me too! I love singing but my voice didn’t agree with me. It said “No, I wouldn’t let you sing beautifully and let other people adore you and let you enter singing competition and be famous. No.”

        What I did, I plug in my mp3 with all of my fav songs (always high notes singers like Adele and Mariah Carey. Yeah. I know) in my car and sing out loud! Or scream, I don’t know.

        Try that. And you wouldn’t torture anyone ever again! And do it whenever you are alone in the car, of course.

        Anyway, “singers” like us should stay together and sing proudly (alone, in the car)!

        • Oh Wann, I’m just like you! — I LOVE all the high note singers like Adele and Mariah. I feel like singing should be like this cathartic loud-as-you-can-be activity! I LOVE singing super loudly — and yes, an enclosed sound-proof car is the safest place to do it! Ha!

  12. Ghad! Saying I’m musically challenged is a HUGE understatement. I didn’t sing in front of anyone until I got married. I can totally sing in front of my husband because who cares what he thinks!
    It also helps that he’s slightly worse than I am…haha!
    Xae recently posted..Free Money and Shirts!My Profile

    • Ha! Sounds like you’re a match made in Heaven, Xae!

  13. kath said:

    Weirdly, a similar thing happened to me. My sister and I were sent to Catholic school when my dad left us. Not only were we DIVORCED and talked about for that, but we were poor, and I had to work in the kitchen to earn our lunches. (true story)

    I never sang in church anyway, I was always too busy trying to keep that stupid beanie from popping off my very curly hair, so the nun behind me wouldn’t pinch me or poke me and point to the damned thing lying under the kneeler.

    We were practicing for a play, and the dear nun told me to just move my lips because I can’t sing. Oh well, I escaped there after only a few years, but I still only sing if I am alone in the car…..

    • Glad to know I’m not the only one the nuns tried to silence!
      And that’s so wild you guys had beanies — I had to try to keep my mantilla on! I’d forgotten all about those until you mentioned the beanies. Did you ever wear the mantilla too? It’s that white lace cloth we had to bobby pin to our heads whenever we were in Church or Chapel. And oh boy, if you FORGOT to bring your mantilla with you…yikes!

  14. Beth said:

    I was seeing an elderly client one time who used to start singing “Beth” by KISS whenever I got to her house, so one day, feeling great, I joined in. Without blinking an eye, she asked me “What did you do with the money your folks gave you for singing lessons?”

    • LOL! I literally laughed out loud at that! That is so funny! I can only imagine the look on your face when she said that! Hilarious!

  15. hahaha I think God might be tone deaf when it comes to singers, my Grandmother was always in the choir, lovely woman AWFUL voice. She lived to the ripe old age of 92 totally healthy with all her wits about her, still singing totally off-key! :)
    Joy Christi recently posted..Orange Is The New Game of ThronesMy Profile

    • Oh I love that your musically-challenged Grandmother sang in the Church choir — that’s awesome!!
      Now that’s a warm-hearted, inclusive Church! :o)

  16. Ha! Don’t feel bad, girl. I used to lip sync the words to “Happy Birthday.” Do you know how I’d dread going up for the high note on that third utterance of “birthday?” Not right.

    BTW, kinda passive aggressive of that nun, no?

    • LOL — “passive-aggressive nun” — so funny!
      And I can’t believe you lipsynch “Happy Birthday!” I make my friends and family listen to my warbling for that! :o)

  17. Aww!!! That is so very cute!! I can imagine how she must have thought about being subtle and then threw it all in the wind by that one statement!! :D
    Roshni recently posted..The new placeMy Profile

    • You’re right — I could tell she was trying to be kind, but her message was pretty blunt! So funny!

  18. Laurie said:

    That’s the only song I remember from Saturday morning religion class – and it was back in the early 1960’s!

    • That’s so cool you remember it — I’ve shared it with some Californians and they’d never heard it, so I wondered if it was a Southern song or something!

    • Ha! You’re right — she was like the Simon Cowell of our little school! I actually saw that a nun competed on one of the international singing shows and performed incredibly well with a popular modern song — really surprised everyone!

  19. Lady Anne said:

    All the Lord asks is that we make a joyful noise.

    We have a dear, dear friend – the rector of the Episcopal church we attend when we are on vacation – who sings beautifully, but should not be allowed to chant. It’s hard to believe it’s that same person!

    My dad was a choir boy when he was a kid, but as he got older he, um, sort of lost that talent. From a distance you couldn’t tell if he was singing “Joy to the World” or “Jingle Bells”.

    • That’s so odd that the great singer is a dreadful chanter!
      And so funny that your dad’s musical repertoire all sounds the same. Mine does too — it’s called “Strangling Cat Noises.”

  20. Lynn said:

    At a recent Christmas Eve service, we went into church and some family friends asked to sit next to us. When it was time to sing the Christmas songs, I sang, and the woman friend standing next to me TURNED away from me and COVERED her ear on my side. FOR EVERY SONG after that. My family was hysterical and they still laugh about it.

    • omigosh, Lynn, I’m sitting here laughing so hard — I can’t believe she COVERED her ear! That’s hysterical!
      You’re welcome to come sing with me anytime! We’d be quite a pair! Ha!

  21. AinOakPark said:

    Okay, so if Lynn (and you, Darcy) can tell, then I will too.

    At my father’s funeral, my husband (the one who after 30 years is still counting on one hand the people who sing worse than I do) and I were sitting in the pew in front of my father’s oldest brother.

    We got up for the first hymn, and my uncle started belting out the hymn. I looked at my husband sideways and he back at me, and we both started laughing (because of course, my uncle is one of the people who sings worse than I do). We started laughing the silent laugh where your nostrils wiggle in and out and your shoulders shake and vibrate.

    Well, my uncle, thinking we are OVERCOME WITH GRIEF, stops singing and clutches us both together from behind in a strong embrace.

    Needless to say, we laughed so hard (still doing the nostril/shoulder shake type) that, at least for me, tears almost ran down my legs.

    He was never the wiser. (And I WAS overcome with grief, but you know how weird funerals can be.)

    • Bwhahaha! Laughing so hard over here! And my nostrils are wiggling too! Oh, I DO know what you mean! Sometimes I catch a case of the giggles in the most INAPPROPRIATE places and times — and I do that same silent shoulder shaking! Omigosh, so FUNNY that your uncle assumed you were overcome with grief when you were just giggling at his warbling! That’s classic!!

  22. Teresa Gutierrez said:

    hahahaha…“You know, God loves the lip-synchers too.” This cracked me up. Most likely because I couldn’t carry a tune if it was gift-wrapped and handed to me in a small box but I never let that minor fact stop me from singing (out loud) my favorite hymns at church.

    • Ha — “gift-wrapped and handed to me in a small box!”
      Glad to know I’m in good company. Maybe in Heaven, they’ll put us in a special choir to sing for the hearing-impaired!

  23. MPf said:

    After Sunday morning services when I had sung loud and proud in the congregation–because I can sing and could hit all the notes in that morning’s songs–my brother–My BROTHER–casually commented that he disliked having to hear those who belted out more loudly than the rest of those singing. Message received. Now when I’m not in the choir, I moderate the volume. (sigh!)

    • Oh man, your bro was just jealous! I LOVE when people belt it out, loud and proud! In fact, my favorite kind of singing is that big Broadway bellowing or Gospel Choir cathartic-type singing! So keep singing, sister!

  24. I can’t carry a tune in a bucket. In high school our drama club put on huge musicals. I was kindly asked to just move my lips and do the dance moves.
    I knew I would need to find another calling.
    Love your humour.
    Magnolia Ripkin recently posted..I am a Domestic ArchaeologistMy Profile

    • Ha! Thanks, Magnolia, glad you enjoyed it! And at least you can DANCE! I can neither sing nor dance — but I do them anyway, much to the chagrin of my children!

  25. Lyn Kimpton said:

    When I was in the (required) choir class in 7th grade, the teacher asked me if I wanted to take an art class and get credit for music. I jumped on that offer!