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So then…I scroll through the FAQ on the Disneyland website to prep for our upcoming trip.
I notice that the section called “What items are not permitted in Disneyland Park” contains a few things you’d expect:
• Alcoholic beverages
• Illegal substances
BUT they also list:
• Items that may be disruptive (e.g. laser pointers, slingshots, stink bombs, air horns)
(Thank goodness. Can’t tell you how many times our enjoyment of It’s A Small World has been ruined by a nasty stink bomb. Although to be honest, some of those have been human-made by our own party.)
Disneyland’s list clarifies:
• Weapons of any kind (including guns, knives, billy clubs, brass knuckles, nunchucks, stars and other martial arts equipment)
(Nunchucks? Really? Are lethal Ninjas flinging nunchucks at unsuspecting Disneyland tourists?)
The forbidden list also includes:
• Restraining devices (e.g., handcuffs, zip ties) or any suspicious items (e.g., box cutters, razor blades, duct tape, wire)
(Um…duct tape – handcuffs – zip ties? So basically, don’t bring your Rape Kit to Disneyland.)
You also can’t bring:
• Masks (unless you are dressing up for a particular event)
(So is someone thinking: “Well, I WAS going to dress up for my Forced Sexual Abduction — but hell, if I can’t even bring my Rape Kit, there’s no point in bringing the Mask. Damn you, Disneyland, you take all the fun out of a day at the park!”)
But the item that really caught my eye on the list of items you cannot bring is:
• Cremated remains (e.g., urns, vases, boxes)
In other words, DO NOT BRING YOUR DEAD FRIENDS AND FAMILY TO DISNEYLAND.
This is completely true. Go to the FAQ on Disneyland’s website.
They list rolling devices (bikes/trikes/motorbikes) plus 19 other things, for a total of 20 forbidden items.
So does this mean that out of the 15 million people who visit Disneyland each year — enough of them brought HUMAN REMAINS to the park that it made the list of Top 20 Items You Cannot Bring To Disneyland?
Can that be right?
Are people sneaking in urns of cremated friends and family to simply SHARE THE EXPERIENCE? As in: “Grandma loved Disneyland. Didn’t seem right to make the trip without her. Kids, strap her in good – these teacups get a little wild!”
Or are people planning to arrive with their cremated loved ones – BUT DEPART WITHOUT THEM? As in: “OK kids, you know how much ol’ Uncle Ricky loved Space Mountain, so just before we start the 5-story drop, open the urn, spread those ashes, and let him loose!”
But if Disneyland IS the Happiest Place on Earth, why wouldn’t they allow people to lay their relatives to rest there?
In fact, I see a huge untapped market for Disneyland! Might I suggest some slogans?
Welcome to DisneyCrypt – the Happiest Resting Place in the After Life.
Come be a Forever Sleeping Beauty in our Magic Castle Coffins.
Blast into the great beyond with Buzz Lightyear’s fully-functioning Rocket Casket.
Enter Neverland in your own Peter Pan Pod.
Ashes to Ashes, Fairy Dust to Fairy Dust – Check out Tinkerbell’s Tomb.
Jump down the ultimate rabbit hole to a true Wonderland in our Mad Hatter Urn.
Enjoy your Eternal Rest in Belle’s Burial Chamber.
Two for One — This Week Only, at Mickey’s Mausoleum
Put the FUN back in FUNeral with Goofy’s Graves!
But then I suddenly realize that this crafty entertainment conglomerate already has the burial market covered! Check out their description of the Pirates of the Caribbean Ride:
“Drift into the Dead Man’s Grotto, where the skeletons of past pirates litter the…haunted ship whose crew drank themselves to death. Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate’s life for me!”
Yo ho, yo ho – a Disney burial’s the death for me!
— Darcy Perdu
(Of course, there was that one time we went to Disneyland that I was READY TO COMMIT MURDER BECAUSE…)
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(Any funny slogan ideas to promote Disneyland as a final resting place — or another park like Universal Studios Tour, Six Flags, Wizarding World of Harry Potter? Any puzzling DOs & DON’Ts at an amusement park, school, pool, restaurant, camp?)