The Most Unlikely Culprit in this Mystifying Mystery

Funny - Most Unlikely Culprit
So then…I try to gently, but urgently, stuff the four brand new dresses into my suitcase, but it.will.not.zip.

(Mama says that proper ladies don’t sweat — they glisten. Well, I am glistening buckets.) My flight home to Los Angeles leaves VERY soon.

I look frantically at Bianca the sales lady – hoping she has a solution for these four gorgeous dresses I just bought at Janelle’s, my favorite New York dress shop.

She asks, “Can’t you just carry them on the plane?” I point to my jam-packed carry-on bag.

Bianca says, “Well, maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to stop to shop on your way to the airport…”

I point to the huge “ONE-DAY ONLY SALE: 60% OFF” sign next to the register. I shoot her an exasperated, “Where are your priorities?” expression.

I’m a corporate cutie in my 30’s, so the dresses are a must!

Bianca brightens and says, “How about if I ship them to you in LA — then you won’t have to pay any sales tax.”

Bianca is my new best friend.

Since I live in an apartment, I give her my company’s address so someone can sign for the package.

So I whisk off to LA, secure in the knowledge that my treasures will arrive at my company’s West Coast warehouse in a matter of days.

A week goes by. No mention of the dresses arriving.

I visit Octavio, the warehouse manager, to ask if any packages have arrived for me from Janelle’s Dress Shop in New York.

Nope. But he says he’ll ask around. He nods sagely as though I’ve tasked him with a mystery worthy of Sherlock Holmes.

Two days later, Octavio comes to my office, with hands clasped in front of him, and delivers his report.

“Your package did arrive.”

“That’s great!” I say.

“But the guys in Receiving thought it was a Return.”

“Huh?”

“A Return. We ship products out and sometimes the overstocks or damages get returned to us. But sometimes the stores send us the wrong Returns – like tablecloths or plastic bowls,” he says.

“Seriously?”

“Yeah, one time, even a case of basketballs,” he says.

“Oh, OK. But I can have the dresses, right?”

“Well, the unspoken warehouse policy is that whoever opens a wrong Return, gets to keep the merchandise.”

“Oh.” I ponder the ethics of that for a moment. And marvel at the fun sort of “Mystery Grab Bag” atmosphere that must pervade the Warehouse Receiving department.

But then I snap back to my hard-won stunning silk dresses and ask, “OK, but we can get the dresses back from whichever worker accidentally opened that package, right?”

“You don’t want them back.”

“What? Of course I want them back! They’re beautiful! And expensive! And I love them!”

Octavio shakes his head firmly. “You don’t want them back.”

“Why not?” I ask.

“Hugo was the one who opened the package. So he gave the dresses away.”

“Can’t he return them?” I implore.

“No. Hugo gave two to his wife. And two to his mistress. His mistress is much shorter and…well…skinnier than you, so she had to cut them across the middle to make them into a short top and a small skirt.”

I gasp. I literally gasp.

My sumptuous corporate silk dresses slashed in half to make a crop top and mini skirt for a sexy little Carmelita!

“But… the wife?” I ask hopefully. “Maybe the wife didn’t harm her dresses? Maybe—”

“No, her dresses are fine. But the wife found out about the mistress, so she moved back to Mexico.”

I stare at him blankly.

“With the dresses,” he adds.

I momentarily toy with the idea of hunting Hugo’s wife down in Mexico and demanding my wayward wardrobe.

I then consider hunting Hugo down and slapping him silly for his irresponsible Lothario behavior. Good God, man! Keep it in your pants – or at least exercise discretion!

So now I’m filling out the claim form for the American Express Purchase Protection Program in hopes of being reimbursed for the disappearing dresses!

I’m trying to figure out how to phrase it so that it doesn’t sound crazy like “a dog ate my homework.”

But how exactly do you explain that half of your dresses are being held hostage in an international adultery scandal – and the other half were massacred to make a Hoochie Mama outfit for a short, skinny harlot?

— Darcy Perdu

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27 replies on “The Most Unlikely Culprit in this Mystifying Mystery

  1. Judy said:

    Great story! At least Hugo himself wasn’t wearing them which is where I suspected that might be going. Gosh, how unimaginative am I?!

    • I love it! That would have been hysterical — Hugo, the cross-dressing warehouse worker!

    • ha! omg, I wanted to stick hot pokers in my eyes watching that debacle!

    • Kristina said:

      Ha! If Miley had been wearing them, at least she’d have been wearing SOMEthing!! Maybe Darcy should donate a couple to the cause ;)

      • ha! oh lawdy, that child! I’d happily clothe her and feed her and have a little chat about appropriate ways to attract attention to her TALENT — instead of to her VAGINA!

    • Hugo as a cross-dresser would have been hilarious — and I would have insisted on photos. But alas, he was handin’ out my silk dresses to all his honeys! Believe it or not, AmEx reimbursed me under their Purchase Protection Plan so at least I got the moola back!

    • ha! maybe he DID take them for a twirl before doling them out to his lovers!! :o)

  2. Ahh, my blood would have been boiling. Why would the guy think he could just keep the dresses? Next time, put your name on the package, not the company’s.
    Mercy recently posted..The Little Boy and the Fire TruckMy Profile

    • yes, good idea! or next time, I may just pull all 4 dresses over my head and WEAR them on the plane! :o)

  3. DUDE. How can that even be ethical??!! Suddenly, receiving seems like a pretty good department to work in, right?! Your poor dresses. I am so sorry!-Ashley

    • Exactly! If I worked in the warehouse, I’d always volunteer to open the Returns. I’d be like, “Nah, I got this, I’ll handle it, happy to do it!”

    • that’s funny! or maybe a Bible to remind him of his marital vows!

  4. Oh dear God… I started out agreeing with Bianca… who’d stop to shop on the way to the airport?

    And then in comes Hugo…

    Hugo gets what he deserves, the silly sod…
    William Kendall recently posted..A Day In The Life Of A DogMy Profile

    • haha William, if a sale’s involved, I’ll stop to shop on the way to my own funeral! :o)
      and I agree with you on Hugo!

    • I’m just picturing her pulling out my silk dresses and wrinkling her nose like, “this is WAY too boring — let me see if I can spice it up a little” — slash slash slash

      eeek!

  5. D. Marie said:

    WHO CUTS A SILK DRESS INTO A CROP TOP?! My stomach turned at this news. I still think you should get it back -for propriety sake. Proper burial and all.

    Strangest package I ever received? Oh, Tuesday of this week when I opened a package shipped overnight to me containing a…floral tube top and a negative pregnancy test. No explanation. No return address. Anyone want to fess up to that one?

    • D.Marie — get out of town! are you SERIOUS!? I would totally freak the hell out if I opened an anonymous package with a floral tube top and a negative pregnancy test! that sounds like the beginning of a HORROR movie!

      it also reminds me of this story when I found a mysterious anonymous object in my mailbox and the funny drama that ensued: http://www.sothenstories.com/creepy-stalker-dudes-tye-dyed-pillow

  6. This is a cute and funny story. I am sure I will be back for more. So then what happened? Kidding.

  7. Paul said:

    Yeah, yeah, blame poor Octavio. He should get a medal for just figuring out where the dresses eventually went. I ran the transportation/shipping department for a major Canadian retailer for a number of years. We had a warehouse that covered acres and sent out over 50 trailer loads of “boxes” to over 100 stores daily – and we dealt with their returns. I had a store owner call me one day ranting and raving that he had sent the same box back to the warehouse three times and it kept coming back to his store. He implied that we were too stupid to grace the face of the earth, let alone deal with his returns. Soooo, I laid in wait for the trailer returning from his delivery the next day and captured the offending box before it got processed. Written on the box was our warehouse address, but the box was reused and in its previous incarnation, it had held breakables and had LARGE arrows saying “THIS SIDE UP” and “BREAKABLE” and pictures of shattering glass to drive home the point. And he had put our address on the bottom. I turned it over, as the first worker to see it would also have done, and lo and behold, the store address was printed in LARGE letters on the top of the box.The owner had neglected to remove the previous address and had printed his destination on the bottom of the box – which kept getting turned upright upon arrival. The moral of the story is: make sure the intended recipient is clearly marked on the box and all other destinations are removed. Poor Octavio – he received one box without the recipient’s name on it in a warehouse of millions of boxes and you blame him for losing it. If you had even called him and let him know of its arrival, he would have brought it to you. You should be ashamed – Tsk, Tsk.

    • ha! I guess I should have given Octavio a heads up!
      for all I know, he made up the whole story about the other guy — and HE’S been wearing my dresses this whole time!