That’s Not a Threat; That’s a VOW

How to Shock Everyone During Your Wedding Vows #funny #wedding #vows #bride #groom #humor #marriage

So then…I peek through the Church door with excitement as I prepare for my Grand Entrance. Our friends and family have gathered from round the globe to witness our wedding. I am glowing with goodwill.

I see my handsome groom take his place at the front, grinning and gesturing at his buddies in the front row. Suddenly, I see money change hands.

Money change hands.

His buddies are passing bills back and forth, pretending that they had bet on whether or not he was going to show up! The congregation chuckles at the pantomiming. He and his buddies get a big laugh for their antics.

I harrumph.

Oh believe me, I love a good laugh. And I know my groom is a cut-up. It’s one of his best traits.

But to be upstaged at my own wedding? Harrumph.

So the music starts, and we make our Grand Entrance to oohs and aahs. I am glowing with goodwill again.

I smile at all the happy faces of our pals and relatives. The ceremony is really lovely.

When it’s my turn for the vows, the minister asks me to repeat after him.

Minister: to have and to hold from this day forward

Me: to have and to hold from this day forward

Minister: for better or worse

Me: for better or worse

Minister: in sickness and in health

Me: in sickness and in health

Minister: for richer or poorer

Me: for richer

Awkward pause.

Minister looks up from his booklet. Congregation collectively cocks their heads.

Minister repeats: for richer or poorer

I repeat, innocently: for richer

Congregation erupts into laughter.

Bride winks at groom.

Groom grins. Touche’, my dear, touche’.

— Darcy Perdu

Original Illustration for So Then Stories by Shelly Draven

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(Anyone pull pranks or jokes at YOUR wedding – or weddings you’ve attended? Surely you have a funny story to share about something that happened at a rehearsal dinner, bachelor/bachelorette party, or wedding reception? A guest gone crazy? A toast gone awry? A groom gone AWOL?)

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60 replies on “That’s Not a Threat; That’s a VOW

  1. I always thought the minister’s questions were multiple choice!!

  2. Judy said:

    A friend of mine had heard that a mutual friend we knew in high school was getting married so we decided to crash the wedding. Obviously neither one of us had been in touch with her for awhile. We were nervous about crashing the wedding so we hung back until everyone was seated and the ceremony about to start and then scooted in and sat near the back. The organist played “Hear Comes the Bride” and we all turned expectantly. No bride. The organist starts again. No bride. She starts again. No bride. Since we are in the back we can hear scuffling in the lobby. People are getting nervous and restless. Undaunted the organist starts once again and the bride’s father appears. He has his daughter, our friend, in a clinch and is dragging her up the aisle. She has tears streaming down her face. She stops to whisper, “I’m so, so sorry” to someone sitting behind us, who must have come in after us. We look at the young man, clueless as to who he is or what is up. The father continues dragging the bride up the aisle and we bolt, all three of us–me, my friend, and the mysterious man behind us. We’ve always wondered what that was all about.

    • Omigosh, don’t leave us hanging! You gotta find out what that was all about! Could the mysterious man have been your friend’s one true love, but her father forced her to marry a wealthy tycoon to save the family farm? Find out and report back!

  3. We planned our wedding ceremony as a walk in the redwoods. The reception was at a fancy wine bar, so we figured the guests could use a little outdoor time. The entire round-trip was less than a mile and a half, and absolutely flat. We also gave guests the option of opting out of the hike and heading straight to the wine bar.

    And yet . . . we had a ton of city slickers grumbling (in good spirits, but still) about how difficult the “hike” was. I kept thinking we need to get these people outside more often! After all, I was “hiking” in a wedding dress and my fancy flip flops, so I figured they could handle it.
    Robyn recently posted..Ninja mind tricks for the somewhat sensitively inclined: Part 1, Basic ManeuversMy Profile

    • Silly city slickers! Hey, I’d walk through the redwoods if there was FREE WINE at the end of the trek! Hell, I’d walk on HOT COALS for free booze!

  4. Steve J said:

    Oh my gosh! I remember that like it was yesterday. I recall looking over to Judy and whispering “Did I just hear what I thought I heard?” I didn’t know about the previous pantomiming so I didn’t know that you were settling a score.

    • Ha! Yes, I was settling a score. “Nobody puts Baby in a corner.” :o)

  5. Edi said:

    OK, so let’s play some translations. Polish vow goes more or less like this:
    – I że Cię nie opuszczę aż do śmierci. – And that I shall not leave you till death do us part.
    Pay attention to the word opuszczę/leave. It sounds almost identical to “dopuszczę”/allow; permit etc.
    Many nervous brides say:
    – I że Cię nie dopuszczę aż do śmierci. – And that I shall not (let you bang me) till death do us part.
    This one’s always a winner. :D

    • that’s so funny! so basically the bride’s saying you can’t sex me up till one of us is dead — I guess that works for necrophiliac weddings! :o)

  6. lol!!!! OMG Hilarious! I think when it’s my turn down the aisle I might ask “just HOW POOR are we talking here?” lol!! I’ll probably burst into flames after that considering I’m in a church and God might not like jokes…. or maybe I’ll hear a rumble of laughter from the heavens.. I can only hope.

  7. That is hilarious. Touche indeed.

    We had a similar experience at the same part.

    Sickness and in health…

    The minister says for Richer or for Poorer, she bust out a “HA”….

    Everyone’s head snaps.. she turns bright red… embarrassed that just came out…

    I’m like OMG… did she just laugh at “for poorer?” I think… Oh darling I love you but you are destined for disappointment. lol.

    We still kid her to this day about it. She says it was nerves but… well, I love her anyways cause that was AWESOME!!! lol
    Terry Reese recently posted..Saving a Dog in Need Is Just Another Day At The Office For These PeopleMy Profile

    • that’s so funny that she busted out with a simple and revealing “HA” at that point! that’s classic!

    • Thanks, Phil. P.S. I love your blog post titles — i.e. Fat-astical BYC Frites Fenzy in Mah Belly! So funny!

  8. Upstaged at mine by small boy

    Vicar (to congregation, solemnly): Will you support this couple in their marriage as they go forth as man and wife?
    Congregation (solemnly): We will.
    *a second’s pause*
    Small boy (at top of voice): We WILL!!!
    [laughter track here]
    Considerer recently posted..A reasonable mash-upMy Profile

  9. Chris B said:

    Unfortunately none of the following are practical jokes, but all DID happen at my wedding:
    • locked out of the car on the way to the church
    • large bug in my veil during the ceremony (can be seen in all the pictures)
    • left at the church by the trolley that was taking all wedding guests to the reception
    • guest put lit cigarette in piling on the pier causing fire
    • during ceremonial opening of champagne with a knife, bottle exploded, piece of glass cut my grandmother in the face and she needed stitches.

    • Holy Crap, Chris! That’s quite a lot of mini-disasters to endure throughout the festivities! The bug in the veil is especially hilarious! And your poor grandmama! I hope everyone was able to relax at the reception and have a well-deserved cocktail (or three)!

  10. Cindy said:

    My Catholic (even though I wasn’t Catholic) wedding. Priest gets up to give the equivalent of the homily (since it is a mass), starts it with: “Back in the old days, a man and a woman were getting married. After the service the man leads his new bride out to the horse and carriage, they get in, and the horse won’t move. The man gets out, walks to the horse’s head, looks him in the eye and says ‘that’s one,” gets back in, and they drive off. A short time later, the horse stops, won’t go, man gets out, tell the horse, ‘that’s two.” The third time, the man gets out, says ‘that’s three,” takes out his rifle and shoots the horse. His new wife starts in, ‘what are you doing? that was a perfectly good horse, are you crazy?’ The man looks at her and says, ‘that’s one.'”

    I had words with the good Father a little later that day.

    • Cindy, I can’t believe the priest told that story — much less at a WEDDING! I can’t even imagine a time period in history when that story would have been acceptable — did you get married in 1848? :o)

      • Cindy said:

        I know, right??? I’m pretty sure, he somehow made a lesson out of it, but that’s all *I* remember of it. (For the record, 1988, just south of Alexandria, VA.)

        • I’m pretty sure the lesson he was teaching was: don’t question your husband, or he’ll shoot you in the head! lol! too crazy!

    • Cindy said:

      Oh, and my brother taped “help” on the bottom of the groom’s left shoe and “me” on the bottom of his right, so when he was kneeling, the congregation saw “help me”

      • ha! that’s funny — and terrible! I bet you had a little “talk” with your brother too!

  11. Ellie said:

    Our wedding rehearsal was held at our outside venue tucked in a wooded canyon filled with chirping birds and the slight rustling of leaves. The next day, our wedding was filled with a nearby lawnmower, a hovering helicopter (no, we are not famous) and a barking dog.

    My sister-in-law was having trouble hearing through the din, and she shouted to my soon-to-be husband, “Could you please speak up?” Without missing a beat, his best man shouted back, “When he’s speaking to you, he’ll speak louder!” Everyone laughed, and the ceremony continued.

    Update – she’s now my former sister-in-law, and she has been followed by another former sister-in-law. Brother has poor taste. Full stop.

    On the other hand, my husband and I are celebrating 24 years in October.

    • Great comeback from the best man! And congrats on 24 years! :o)

  12. Best story ever!! I LOVE that you did that…LOVE IT!! That is totally something my hubby would have done, too!-Ashley

  13. Nice…

    The whole point of weddings is that they should be fun.

    We were married in 2003, and took the trouble to add “Ring Bearer” to the “Things that you ask people to do because everyone likes to be included… and stuff”

    Otherwise it was a pretty standard wedding – garden. Beautiful dress (her), managing to not be hungover (me).

    SO when it came time for the rings to be brought forward, we had the celebrant put on his best Gandalf voice: “Who bears these rings?!” …

    …and our very own ring bearer stepped forward, removing the chain from around his neck, with the aforementioned rings.

    Also:
    Got remarried this year for our tenth wedding anniversary, in Vegas, at the Little White Chapel, Elvis presiding…

    (The video is hilarious, hit me up if you want to see it or look for it on youtube using “The wedding of the decade at a little white chapel, Las Vegas”)

    • Just watched your Elvis Vegas wedding video on youtube! Hilarious! Love your top hat! You and your 10-year anniversary “bride” have a great sense of humor! And that Elvis impersonator actually sang really well!! Also love your Gandalf moment at the original wedding: Who bears these rings! Awesome!

      • The Elvis thing was hilarious.

        Before we got married, well, we weren’t ever going to get married.

        We used to just say “Except if we are ever in Vegas, then we are totally getting married by Elvis.”

        Then we got married, and the first thing I said to my new bride at the reception was: “you know what this means? We totally have to do Vegas for our 10th wedding anniversary.”

        We told everyone we met that they were invited, but really didn’t expect that anyone would show… which would have been fine – we would have just enticed a couple of hobo’s to act as witnesses, probably with the promise of a beer and a ticket to a hotel buffet.

        What happened was ace. All the people in the video were our friends, who came from all over the world to be ridiculous with us (hence their unusual dress sense).

        So much fun.
        SO much fun.
        ATH Webber recently posted..What gets you off? The DOMA/Prop 8 decisionMy Profile

        • That is incredible! I wondered who the guests at the wedding were since they were so happy for you guys and really dancing around! That’s so cool that your friends joined you for the Elvis wedding!

          • We’re lucky.
            Lucky to have each other.
            Lucky to have such excellent friends…

            …and lucky to get married on the same spot that Ross and Rachel did in “Friends”

            heh heh.
            ATH Webber recently posted..What gets you off? The DOMA/Prop 8 decisionMy Profile

  14. LOL well played! This reminds me of my sister’s wedding: My sister was ready to make her grand appearance and the music started to play; however, my grandmother decides to walk down the aisle as the wedding music was playing! Everyone in the Church started to burst out laughing! I can’t even imagine how great your wedding must have been. Great job!
    Keith DuBarry recently posted..What is With All This Construction in NJ?My Profile

    • ha! love that your gramma got her swerve on! she’s no dummy — she knows the best time to make her entrance is when the bride’s music plays!

    • It’s not too late! Sign a POST-nuptial agreement that states: “only for RICHER! only for RICHER!”

      • Thanks, Kat! That’s my dream — to one day publish a book of the stories with the related comments (with permission of the commenters, of course!) There are so many great funny stories!

  15. Well, done Darcy. My husband and i tease and prank each other all the time but on our wedding day we were well behaved.

  16. Jessica Miller said:

    My tale of woe happened at a wedding reception when my friend Karen and I went to the ladies’ room. There was no seat protector and I was in a hurry, so I sat down. When I tried to stand up…no, this isn’t happening…yes, I’m STUCK TO THE TOILET! Some mean prankster had put super-glue on the seat! No matter how much I struggled, I was stuck.

    Karen heard me shouting and tried to help. A lady in the next stall heard all the drama and offered to apply nail polish remover to my derriere. But it was uncomfortable (in every sense!) and didn’t work, so Karen called 911 and we waited.

    Finally, four paramedics walked in (all cute guys, naturally). They made a strenuous effort to pry me loose, but ultimately had to admit defeat. They used a power drill to unbolt the seat, which would accompany me to the hospital.

    The only way out was through the ballroom. “I can’t have all those people see me like this!” I pleaded. But there was no other way. Sarah and Tom (the bride and groom) were about to cut the wedding cake when I made my entrance. People were gasping and giggling, and someone actually took a photo of me in this undignified position. A friend of my mother’s stopped us to ask, “Jessica, are you OK?” I wanted to respond, “What? You’ve never seen a woman with a toilet seat stuck to her rear end?” But I was too mortified. When I saw this photo later, I chuckled at the horrified look on the woman opening the door. It’s just my butt, lady, it’s not Godzilla.

    At the hospital, they used a nasty chemical solution to get that thing off. I went home, got into bed and pulled the covers over my head, hoping it had been a nightmare.

    I got a nice message from Tom and Sarah, who interrupted their honeymoon to say how awful they felt about what happened to me. I felt bad about spoiling their big day, so I replied, “This might be good. I heard it’s good luck to get married when there’s a full moon!”

    And now I know — if I can survive that, I can survive anything!

    • Jessica, I was DYING laughing reading your story — and wondered how in the world could this hilarious piece of awesomeness be true!? And you were kind enough to email me a photo of the paramedics taking you out of the wedding reception, so if anyone reading this wants photographic evidence — just email me! This story is all true! And hilarious! And horrible! And hilarious again!

  17. Angel said:

    So my wedding I “thought” was perfect, especially after the scare of one of my bridesmaids dropping out a week before, she did end up coming. So close to the end of the reception I notice my aunt starts to clean up and then goes to my DJ and tells him to stop playing music because the reception needed to be over. I went to talk to her about this and she told me I needed to leave because we said we would be gone by now. When I said we weren’t leaving yet she told me that I had no place in our church (I was baptized, confirmed and taught sunday school in the church). So I told her to leave but then my grandmother stepped in and told me I needed to be nicer to her. After I told her I was being nice she got into an argument with my mother (past history) which left me yelling at them to stop (just feet away from the rest of my guest). While on my honeymoon my aunt wrote me a letter saying she was disappointed in me and that my wedding was the most impersonal she had ever been too. Ok so that was not that funny but that’s what happened. The funny part I didn’t know about until we got the video back. My niece was the flower girl and she did great but after I walked down the aisle she wanted to pick up all of the flowers. She is standing in front of the camera when she starts crying and when asked “what’s wrong” she says “I want the flower” so my mother says go get, she says “I can’t” Why not? at the top of her lungs she says “because its under Angel’s (mine) foot.” I swear I am going to say the same thing at her wedding one day it makes me laugh every time I hear it. (oh and the bridesmaid that almost dropped out of my wedding, is now getting married to the guy she walked down the aisle with. She wouldn’t have met him if she didn’t come to the wedding)

    • Angel, omigosh, there was ALOT happening at your wedding! So funny that the flower girl wanted the flowers under your feet! And how cool that your bridesmaid met her future husband at your wedding! That’s awesome!

  18. Becky said:

    Love your stories!

    When it got to the ‘until death do you part’ bit of my hubbies vows, I jumped in and told him that oh, by the way, he was gonna go first and that there were no other women for him, ever. It horrified his friends, made my mum groan, and served the purpose of making him laugh and forget to be nervous :-)

    • Ha! I would’ve laughed so loud if I heard that! So funny! And it cracked up your new hubby which was the whole point! Love it!

  19. Reindlgator said:

    Ok, here is the chain of disasters that led to our wedding. We planned a beautiful wedding in Las Vegas with no Elvis. Several days before we got the devastating news that my hubby’s best friend’ s daughter had leukemia (she is now a beautiful healthy teenager). So we are down one groomsman and the best man ‘s flight is delayed a million times and we had to get tuxes that day. So the day before I accidentally run over a pigeon in a parking lot and a lady freaks out on me like I just flattened her kid. I am sure it is bad luck to squash a bird right before the wedding.
    As we go to check into the fancy hotel where the wedding was to be held I realize I left the marriage license in the room of our last hotel. I call my mother in absolute panic and she heroically tracks down the housekeeping lady and they root through the trash until they find it stuck inside a Krispy Kreme box. That license still has glaze on it. So due to it being a holiday weekend my family is behind schedule for getting ready. I have my Maid of Honor meet the boys downstairs with their tuxes and they only have enough time to get dressed in a bathroom at the hotel (people thought they were in one of the shows). Between the two of them there is only one pair of socks, obviously getting married trumps all, so my man got to wear the socks. I think the last disaster was my dads tux pants fastener broke right before the grand entrance and he was getting safety pinned by my grandma. The most beautiful words I heard that day was the chapel worker saying “Doug is here.” In all it was a perfect wedding and everyone survived the bad karma, even our friends who had to wear shorts because their flight that morning lost their luggage. I needed Xanax and tequila in the worst way. We are still happily married and just passed lucky anniversary 13.

    • OMIGOD! That is hysterical! What a cacophony of disasters! (So glad your hubby’s friend’s daughter is now healthy.)
      But all of those other things were just CAH-RAZY! My favorite part is that your marriage license still had GLAZE on it!! Bwahaha!
      And Happy 13th Anniversary, you crazy kids you!

  20. Julie said:

    Oh how I would have loved to have been at your wedding, Darcy!

    • Ha! You would have had a great time — great music and an individual chocolate souffle for every guest!