That Lying Little #@%&!

That Lying Little
So then…my husband’s navigational system says: “Turn left here.” David looks at me smugly and smiles, proudly heeding the advice of his new car as he turns left with a flourish.

I admit: I am pretty impressed at this equipment that has talked us from our home all the way over the hills to the new house of our friends, Ted and Sara.

And before the system can say another word, we spot the valet parkers in front of our friends’ lovely new home.

The place is packed, indoors and out. Everyone seems to be having a good time and I can hear a jazz combo on the patio. David and I grab a couple crab puffs from a passing waiter.

I don’t see our hosts right away, but I see the gift table, so I add our offering to the pile of elegantly-wrapped gifts.

We have a couple drinks, chat a bit, and eat a few more appetizers. Then David says, “You know, I don’t recognize anybody here.”

I look around and, although these happy, animated couples could be friends of ours, I have to agree no one looks familiar.

Good grief, are we party crashers?

I ask a passing waiter, “Excuse me, have you seen…uh…the host?”

“Yeah, he’s in the back,” he says oh-so-helpfully and pushes through the crowd. (Argh — Couldn’t he have said the name of the host?)

David rolls his eyes at my failed investigative technique. He heads to the bartender with that “I’ll find out what’s going on here” strut, but I pull him back.

Discretion, David. Wait here.” I head up the stairs.

“OK, ‘Nancy Drew,’” he says in a tone that I could swear borders on sarcastic.

So I conduct a brief surveillance upstairs and report back: “I checked out the family photos and no one even remotely resembles Ted or Sara.”

“Hasty retreat,” David mumbles as we hustle outdoors, trying to escape detection.

As the valet pulls our car around – yes, the deceptive, devious little car that led us so sadly astray — David asks whose house this is.

The valet says, “Ruth and Roger Perlman — 25th Wedding Anniversary. Why? Where are you supposed to be?”

As the other valets giggle (yes, giggle), I realize my housewarming gift is still inside! So while David gets the car, I run back in to get it.

Just as I reach for my gift, I lock eyes with a woman in a stylish silver evening gown who looks more than a little surprised that I’m helping myself to the gift table. I smile tentatively, then dash out the door to the getaway car.

So we make it to Ted and Sara’s, a few blocks down, where we are teased for our tardiness. David begins to tell the charming story of our mix-up until my swift kick to his right shin changes his mind. Discretion, David.

I hug our hosts, give them the gift, and head to the nearest bar. We drink; we eat; we have a great time.

Just as we gather to watch Sara and Ted open the gifts, the doorbell rings.

My heart skips a beat. What if it’s the woman in the silver evening gown? What if I had accidentally taken someone else’s gift that was wrapped like mine? Maybe it’s Ruth Perlman demanding the return of her 25th Wedding Anniversary gift!

Fortunately it’s just another tardy party guest.

I sigh with relief and vow never to take directions from a talking car again.

— Darcy Perdu

(Ever end up at the wrong party? Or led astray by a talking car? Perhaps Mapquest or Google Maps duped you? Share in the Comments Section!)

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53 replies on “That Lying Little #@%&!

  1. So funny! Yep I’m laughing. Out loud. Calls to mind the surprise party my friend organized for his wife. My job? Get wife to party. My ploy? Tell her she must help me get another pal to HER surprise party. Ok pick up both A) gal party is for and B) gal party is not for. Once at party and all the guests have popped out and shouted “SURPRISE!” A kept telling B ” the party is for you!” Took a good 10 minutes for her to cotton on. Even though she knew EVERYONE at party and they are all hugging her. Fun.

    • that’s hilarious! I love that she kept trying to convince her friend that the party was for her!

  2. Our GPS system drives me bananas! Although, I must say it’s gotten me to some pretty out of the way places safe and sound. But I swear, she gets “tense” with me if I don’t turn when she says turn, and on more than once occasion I’ve been led to a dead end behind a dark alley.
    Beth Teliho recently posted..It’s A Bird! It’s A Plane! It’s An…Otter?My Profile

    • Yikes! I think your GPS is out to get you! :o)

  3. Paul said:

    Ha! Ha! That’s hilarious that the GPS actually led you to a party – just the wrong one! GPS’s are not infallible (as much as the manufacturers won’t admit it). I’ve taken to confirming routes and destinations with observations or checking a map. I had a driver once who, following his GPS, took a loaded 80 foot B-train (two trailers) tractor-trailer of gas down a residential street in search for a particular service station. Apparently, at one point in time, the street had been bisected by a huge apartment complex and continued on the other side of the development. The station was on the other half of the street. B-trains are notoriously difficult to back-up and it took him 2 hours to back the 2 miles back to the main road – accompanied by a few choice words.

    • oh no! the poor guy! 2 hours? I might have just abandoned the B-train right in the street and gone lookin’ for Miller Time!

    • she DOES! and she’s quite snooty when she tells me I’ve made an error!

  4. We don’t have a GPS but we used to have a car that warned us of malfunctions, orally. On one trip we were having a really pleasant conversation & it kept reminding us of this “emergency” situation–“Your washer fluid is low.” We said, together, “Shut up, Harry!!” I have no ideas where we got that name.

    • ha! hilarious that you both called him “Harry!”

      • Sarah said:

        It’s totally from home alone! The stupid(er) wet bandit is named Harry! Not that I looked it up, but I am reasonably certain.

  5. Judy said:

    Pre-GPS I went to go to an event at the local fairgrounds, which are way out of town. The road to the fairgrounds was closed but there were signs to direct you around to the back entrance, like homemade kind of signs. I followed them hither and yon, further and further into the desert, away from civilization, no other traffic to be seen. I was convinced it was the doings of a serial killer and I was driving into his trap. I did eventually get there without meeting up with any serial killers.

    • ha! that’s a PERFECT idea for a serial killer! I’ll bring it up at our monthly meeting!

    • Ha! I almost bolted too — but then I was too embarrassed to go to a housewarming party empty-handed — so it was sort of liking picking the least embarrassing course of action — either way, I’m a knucklehead! (sigh) Such is my life! :o)

    • Ha! I would have simply died of mortification right then and there!

  6. HaHa – I love your little stories!!!
    Glad that it all worked out OK – and at least you got a few snacks at the first party!!
    Did you ever tell your friends why you were late?
    Kim recently posted..My Pre-Halloween ScareMy Profile

    • Yes, the snacks were QUITE good at the first party! I didn’t want to tell our friends about the mix-up for fear they knew the other party hosts, but eventually we came clean! :o)

  7. A local band was doing a house show to raise money for a thing I organized last Christmas and I couldn’t find the right house– totally wandered into some college hipsters’ party before I realized there wasn’t any *live* music going on. I still managed to score a drink before waltzing back out though.
    Aussa Lorens recently posted..That Time I Jumped Out A Window And Almost DiedMy Profile

    • you rock! love that you scored a drink before exiting! ha!

  8. Oh.My.God!!! That is hilarious! I’m sure at the time it was anything but, but truly what a great story!!!
    Allie recently posted..Run to Your MailBOX!My Profile

  9. The trick about the navigation system is: you still have to have an IDEA of where you’re going. Lol. Those applications, although wonderful, still have to be monitored closely because even they get may have misinformation. :) This has happened to me on several occasions which is why I’ve learned to look at the directions and map PRIOR TO driving otherwise, you’re that idiot with the phone or desperately swiping the screen to figure out what went wrong and why you see a dead end where your venue should be! Lol :) Happy Friday, alast the weekend has arrived! Have a great weekend! -Iva
    Awesomely Over-Zealous recently posted..The Malefe Series : Part 3My Profile

    • you’re right! now I print MapQuest AND use the car’s navigation system!
      I’m even considering leaving a bread crumb trail so I can find my way back!

  10. What are the chances that the car would take you to another big party with valet service instead of the party you actually wanted to attend??!! Hahahahahahaha! How fantastic!! Your navigation system punked you! (and so glad you remembered to grab your gift as you made a getaway from the wrong party!!) –Lisa

    • Ha! that car DID punk me! and honestly, the appetizers at the first party were way better — almost considered returning!

  11. Marie said:

    This is hilarious! Totally something that would happen to me, fortunately it hasn’t…yet.

  12. Lady Anne said:

    Well before GPS, we printed out a Map Quest route to our time share, and ended up in a private driveway. We just backed out, got on the main highway and asked for directions at a gas station. (Tells you how long ago THAT was, doesn’t it?)

    • ha! that would’ve been funny if you’d said to the homeowners of the private driveway —
      “hello! we’re here for our timeshare! it’s OUR turn in your house now!” :o)

    • Good idea — maybe I should just drive around Beverly Hills on Saturday nights and crash any party with valet parking! — no one would even know I’m not invited and I might meet some celebs! boo-yah!

  13. Darcy, you are very funny and I love your stories.

    I remember the first time I was behind the wheel and under the supervision of a condescending GPS woman, she told me to take the next right. I did. Then my husband yells, “Millie, she meant the next road. This is the bank drive through for God’s sake.”

    • Ha! So funny! And I love that your hubby refers to her as a real person: “she meant…”
      I would have taken her literally too and gone right into the bank drive through!

  14. At least Siri didn’t drive you into a lake or the ocean.

  15. fondaweb said:

    my GPS thinks my brother’s house (on 102nd) is actually several miles east, somewhere near 60th st.

    • ha! Your brother’s pretty crafty! Sounds like he’s fooled GPS systems so he can evade secret agents or aliens!

  16. Brandi said:

    I have borrowed my boss’s GPS for the drive from Kansas to Arkansas for business. The GPS lady keeps making me take this damn 3 mile dirt road detour, that probably saves me 5 minutes, if that. AND, I never catch it until I’m turning onto the dirt road!

    • Dirt road detour?
      Sounds like the GPS lady has a cousin who runs a local car wash!
      :o)

  17. Julie said:

    GPS. Bah. See the sites! There is so much out there to see that had you not gotten lost, I mean, gone directly to your destination, you never would have seen or known about! Besides making new friends along the way (excuse me, where is…?) I used to love my kids friend asking me how I survived without a cell phone! What if you ran out of gas? Same thing that happened 40 years ago when I ran out of gas. I got out and walked to a gas station. Shesh! Kids!

    • actually, you have a great point! before GPS, we got lost one day while out hunting houses — and ended up in a place we never heard of — and LOVED it — and bought a house here — and now we are so happy we got lost that day!

    • thanks, Cara, we were determined to PARTY! :o)

    • it was pretty funny that we just immediately started eating, drinking, enjoying the ambiance before it occurred to us we might be at the wrong party! ha!

  18. Yeah, a talking car once made a bunch of us trespass a creepy looking private property at two in the morning! In the middle of nowhere! Closest I came to living a horror movie!
    Xae recently posted..Ashton’s Inspiring SpeechMy Profile

    • how scary! your talking car was trying to get you killed! eeek!

  19. I laughed so much. My daughter’s first day at her new school, we used our new navigator and ended up in totally the wrong place. We arrived at her school an hour late which actually was not too bad as the head master had a liking for his own voice and carried on with his speech for what seemed to be forever. I was so glad that I missed the first hour of that speech.
    Vivian recently posted..HealingMy Profile

    • ha! sounds like the navigator did you a favor! :o)