In Case of Fire, Flood, or Zombies, Which PRIZED POSSESSION Would You Save?

Quick!  Zombies are coming!  Tornado's headed to your house!  Flames are leaping, locusts are swarming!  What's the 1 ridiculous THING you save? #funny #disaster #zombies #cooking #humor

So then…the news article clearly states that, in case of emergency, we should flee the house ONLY with our humans and pets – NO material possessions.

Oh, sure, that sounds reasonable. But who’re we kiddin’ here? We all know we’re going to grab at least ONE prized possession.

So what’s it going to be for you?

Perhaps something SENTIMENTAL – like that hand-made quilt your great-grandmother crocheted at that Siberian refugee camp?

Or something SIGNIFICANT – like that coveted first place trophy you won in the state skiing tournament after recuperating from a nasty bout of scurvy?

Or something SPECIAL – like that rare first edition book you bought to celebrate making your first million after working your way through college as a stripper?

For me, it’s this bowl.

In Case - Bowl 429

This Orange Bowl.

This Orange Bowl is the most special, sentimental, significant material possession I own.

In case of fire, flood, or earthquake, I’m seizing the family, the photos, and this bowl.

Why?

Because I love this bowl. It’s irreplaceable.

There’s no other bowl in the world like it – and believe me, I’ve looked.

(Shhh, shhh, Orange Bowl, don’t get jealous – I’m not TRYING to replace you – I’m just checking out back-ups in case you meet a (sob) untimely demise.)

I bought this bowl about 83 million years ago from Tupperware, which has long-since discontinued it. And no other company makes one JUST like it.

Other bowls are too thin/too small/too big – or the shape is wrong – or they scoot around when you’re using the electric mixer.

My Orange Bowl is made of a strong plastic – thick and sturdy – with just the right heft to it. It is substantial. (If my bowl were an actress, it would be Meryl Streep. No Kristen Stewarts or Megan Foxes here. Just solid, outstanding, substantial Meryl Streep.)

I’m a baker (not by trade, just by passion) — so this bowl cradles all the ingredients for my cookies, cakes, brownies, and pies.

In Case - Recipe 429

It’s just the right size, height, and diameter for all my recipes.

It’s perfect for all my whisking & electric-mixing & batter-taste-testing!

It’s an irrefutable fact that recipes prepared in my other bowls simply DO NOT TASTE AS DELICIOUS as when they’re prepared in my ORANGE BOWL.

It also doubles as a mashed potato mashing bowl.

In Case - Size 429

And really, how more sentimental can you get than an item that holds the warm, loving memories of baked goods and mashed potatoes?

I guard this bowl religiously. It’s endured 47 million moves from state to state, home to home. It even survived a nasty altercation with an overly-aggressive scorching hot pot that left a mark on my poor baby.  It was clearly the pot’s fault.

In Case - Mark on Bowl with Arrows Final 429

Years ago, when one of the kids was very sick, David hastily grabbed the Orange Bowl from the cabinet to serve as a vomit-catcher.

A…VOMIT…CATCHER.

As he approached the child, I slow-motion-screamed “Nooooooooo!” as I slow-motion-ran toward him to knock the bowl from his hands!

“There are basins for vomit! BASINS! They’re under the sink! Not my bowl! Not my ORANGE BOOOOOOOOOWL!”

Both child and husband looked at me like I’d lost all sense of priority.

I cared not.

They took the basin — and I scuttled to the other room, cradling that Orange Bowl, caressing it and whispering, “My precious, my precious.”

So when the flames leap to the house – or the earth begins to shake – or the Apocalyptic Zombies shuffle toward our brains, I’ll grab my family, my photos, and my Orange Bowl.

What will YOU grab?

OK, out with it. I know you have that one thing, as inconsequential as it might seem to everyone else – you just gotta have it!

My Mom recently offered a $20 reward to anyone who could find her 99₵ pickle jar opener she lost in the move because IT IS THE ONLY EFFECTIVE PICKLE JAR OPENER IN THE ENTIRE WORLD! She went on and on about it for days!

We’d be unpacking and say things like, “Hey, here’s the box with Grammy’s silver!” “Oh, look, Dad’s Air Force medals.” “Here are the albums of baby pics of your five kids!”

And she’d say, “What about my pickle jar opener? Did you find that yet? I really need that pickle jar opener.”

I was like, “Geez, Mom, calm down, how MANY pickle jars are you OPENING anyway?”

Apparently even ONE without that spectacular thin little rubber mat pickle jar opener is ONE TOO MANY. Thank God, my niece found it at the bottom of a closet and the world has been restored to order.

So friends, we know in times of catastrophe, of course you’ll save your kids, pets, plants, loved ones, blah, blah, blah –

But what else do you hope to save? What’s YOUR Orange Bowl or YOUR Pickle Jar Opener?

— Darcy Perdu

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(Quick! The Zombies are coming! The tornado is whipping toward your house! Flames are leaping, locusts are swarming! What do YOU grab?)

The Shitastrophy

So excited that my friend Alyson who writes the hilarious blog The Shitastrophy is posting one of my stories on her site today!  So if you pop over there to read my post, An Awkward Intercourse, please stick around to read some of Alyson’s funny posts like:

The Brazilian Wax from Hell

Top Stupid Boy Names

Check her out to see why her life is just one hilarious Shitastrophy after the next!