Snubbed by a Hose Holder!

Funny - Snubbed by a Hose Holder
So then…my tween daughter Chloe and I pedal our bikes around a corner, exploring more new streets in our neighborhood.

In the distance, in the front yard of a brown house, I see a figure that looks like Ruth, a woman I’ve met at the rec center several times.

Hey, it IS Ruth!

She’s holding a hose, watering some plants in her front yard.

We’re biking along at a good clip, so I need to time my greeting well to be sure she sees me.

As we approach, I call out “Hi, Ruth!”

My daughter Chloe murmurs a cautionary “Mom” to me, in hopes I won’t embarrass her.

Ruth squints at us in the distance, which means we’re too far for her to see who it is.

So as we get closer, I wave and call out loudly, “HIIII, RUTH!”

She just stares at me, still holding her hose.

Chloe mutters, “Omigod, Mo-om.”

But I am undeterred.

As we roll by, parallel to her yard, on the other side of the street, I really step up my game.

I wave BOTH arms, flailing about, smiling big, yelling, “Hey, Ruth! It’s ME!! It’s DARCY!! DAAAARCY! Hello! Hi, Ruuuuuuth! Hiiiii!”

She looks at me, with no expression on her face, no sign of recognition. Just stands there holding her hose.

As we ride past to the next street, there is awkward silence.

Chloe does not say a word.

Another moment of silence.

More silence.

Then I concede, “It’s possible that wasn’t Ruth.”

***

Chloe shoots me the dead-eyed expression of “YA THINK?”

I guess I’m lucky non-Ruth didn’t turn the hose on us as we rode by!

— Darcy Perdu

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(Any cases of mistaken identity you can share? How about a time you embarrassed your kids? Share in the Comments section!)
Funny - Snubbed by a Hose Holder

Holy Cow! I AM a Random Roving Psychic!

Random Roving Psychic You Need To ___ (Shelly 7.16.13)
So then…my son Tucker toots and the minivan becomes rather unpleasantly aromatic. He grins and says with relief, “Oh, man, I’ve been holding that in at school all day!

We continue chatting as we drive home, and intermittently, he lets a few more rip. He alternately mumbles “excuse me” and snickers.

As we approach the left turn lane for the freeway entrance, our car faces the halted lane of traffic coming the opposite direction.

When Tucker lets forth one particularly odorous emission, I quickly roll the window down, face the fresh air, and say, “I think you need to poo!”

Regrettably, this is at the exact same moment that my minivan stops right next to the opposite traffic lane — where my window is directly across from the OPEN window of a woman’s car.

So she’s sitting there, minding her own business, when I literally pull up alongside her, roll down my window, face her, and say with maternal authority, “I think you need to poo!”

She looks surprised – and confused. But before I can clarify that the remark was intended for my son, the light changes and off we go.

My son and I burst out laughing, but I’m wondering about that poor woman’s reaction.

Is she thinking, “Oh my God, I DO have to go poo! How did that minivan lady know that? Is she some Random Roving Psychic of Bodily Functions?

Or maybe she’s thinking, “Well, I didn’t have to go poo — but now that you’ve mentioned it, I have to go NOW.” And so now the poor woman is driving down the road looking for a sanitary place to lighten her load – “McDonalds? No. Gas Station? No. Oh thank God, a Barnes and Noble!!”

I actually feel a bit powerful, making an authoritative pronouncement to a complete stranger, then driving quickly away so there are no repercussions or follow up questions.

At upcoming intersections, I toy with the idea of rolling down my window to tell other drivers things like:

“I think you need to call your mother.”

“I think you’d look better as a redhead.”

“I think you have a dead body stashed in your attic.”

But before I can implement my new Roaming Advice Plan, Tucker lets loose a series of foghorn blasts that leaves us both gasping for air and giggling uncontrollably.

— Darcy Perdu

Original Illustration for So Then Stories by Shelly Draven

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(Any examples when you accidentally told/texted/emailed info to the wrong person? If someone drove up right next to you and told you that you had to poo, how would YOU react? Who emits the most impressive flatulence in your family? Do you ever feel like YOU are a Random Roving Psychic? And seriously — DO you have a dead body stashed in your attic?)
Random Roving Psychic P (Shelly 7.16.13)