My Teen’s Irrationally Funny Reason Why Matt Damon Bugs Her

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So then…I ask my teen daughter Chloe if she heard that one of her favorite actors proposed to his costar. Chloe says, “WHAT?! How did I not know that? Am I pooping in the wrong places?”

Did she ask me that because:
a) She always answers celeb questions with poop-related non sequiturs
b) She typically gleans her celeb news from the “academic journals” (People Magazine and Entertainment Weekly) that are strewn about the various bathrooms in the house – and must have missed that issue

Ding Ding Ding! We have a winner!

Believe me, we regularly discuss deep philosophical issues and topics of global import (cough cough) – but typically our conversations are more like this one from tonight:

Chloe, my 14-year old daughter, and I lie down before bedtime, chatting about our day.

Darcy: Oh! Can I tell you something about Matt Damon?

Chloe: Matt Damon bugs me.

Darcy: *

Chloe: What? He really bugs me!

Darcy: *

Chloe: Oh, OK, tell me about Matt Damon.

Darcy (indignant): I can’t believe you would say that about Matt Damon. I love him. First of all, he won an Oscar for co-writing Best Screenplay, so he’s smart and talented. He’s built an impressive acting career without landing in the tabloids as a drunken addict womanizer. And he could have had his pick of ANY hot babe, but he married a single working mom AND adopted her kid AND had a bunch more kids with her. AND he’s made funny videos with Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman. AND HE’S A HUMANITARIAN!

Chloe (sufficiently cowed): OK! OK! So tell me what you were gonna say about Matt Damon.

Darcy: OK, what I wanted to say (huffs loudly) was that I saw an interview with him today where he talked about building water treatment systems in third world countries. The new system in this village meant that the kids no longer had to walk miles and miles to collect water for their families. So he asked this 12-year-old girl what she would do with the 3 hours per day she USED to spend collecting water – would she spend it studying? And the girl laughed and said, “No, I’m already the smartest kid in my class.” Matt Damon smiled and said that he could tell by the way she said it, that she really WAS the smartest kid in the class. He asked her, “So what will you do with the extra 3 hours per day?” And she said, “I will play.” Isn’t that AMAZING?

Chloe: Wow, that’s cool.

Darcy: Exactly! We’re so blessed we can just turn a faucet and have all the water we want. And here these kids were spending 3 hours a day just collecting water!

Chloe (thoughtful): We’re really lucky.

Darcy: We truly are fortunate. We should really be grateful for all we have.

We ponder in silence for a moment.

Chloe: Matt Damon still bugs me though.


Chloe: He looks like Leonardo DiCaprio.

Darcy: But you love DiCaprio!

Chloe: Exactly. So sometimes I’ll see a movie trailer, like Monuments Men, and I’ll get all excited, thinking Leonardo’s in the movie and then I look again and see that it’s just Matt Damon.

Darcy: OH MY GOD! So the chief crime of Matt Damon, esteemed actor and humanitarian — is that he LOOKS LIKE LEONARDO DICAPRIO?

Chloe: Yes.

Darcy: *

Chloe: What?

Darcy: I am going to drown you in a village water treatment system.

(OK, I didn’t say that last line, but the rest of that conversation literally just happened.)

Honestly! I’m trying to teach that child about gratitude for all our blessings — and she’s fixated on Matt Damon’s apparently deliberately deceptive impersonation of Leonardo DiCaprio!


I am hiding ALL the “academic journals” from ALL the pooping places.

— Darcy Perdu

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Consider joining me in donating to awesome Matt Damon’s non-profit organization HERE.

(How do YOU feel about Matt Damon? Which celebs bug YOU?  Any teenagers who miss the point of your brilliant observations and meaningful lessons because they’re too distracted being…TEENAGERS?)

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