Most BRILLIANT Craft Fail

Most Brilliant Craft in the History of All Crafts -- but then something goes TERRIBLY awry... #FUNNY #playdate #party #kids #paint #arts&crafts #DIY #humor

So then…I dart around the craft table, setting out supplies in a wild-eyed frenzy.

It’s Group Playdate Prep Time — and I’m a whirling dervish setting up the kids’ activity for the 12 excitable 4-year-olds about to come crashing onto my patio for festive frolicking!

Sweat forms on my upper lip as I ensure I’ve thought of EVERYTHING.

I shall not be like my sweet friend Kim — who innocently packed her son’s adorable cow piñata with those individually-wrapped miniature chocolate bites — then hung the piñata on a backyard tree – 6 hours before the party — on a 102 degree day.

She unknowingly created a veritable cow “crockpot” where those little chocolates simmered and boiled and broiled. By the time the kids had all whacked and thwacked that poor cow, it burst open, spewing melted chocolate all over the place. It was HILARIOUS – to us, of course — but not so much to Kim – especially when her son gleefully yelled, “My piñata’s POOPING!”

And I shall not be like me — when I provided darling little treasure chest craft kits to the kids at the group playdate I hosted last summer. How was I to know the jewels intended for decorating the chests looked like delicious little candies, causing all the moms to hover nervously to ensure no one ingested a ruby or sapphire? A swallowed gem would mean a mom’s on poop patrol to reclaim that little “treasure.”

Nope, this time, I shall prevail. No Poop Patrols. No Pooping Piñatas!

I’ve cleverly purchased white t-shirts (in a variety of sizes!),

NON-toxic fabric paints (in a variety of colors!),

and brushes (in plentiful supply!)

plus stencils of amazing shapes and designs –

and plastic aprons for everyone!

I am “BRILLIANT CRAFT MOM!”

My sweet 4 year old Chloe and her pals have a blast decorating the white t-shirts.

Moms ooh and ahh over the stenciled hearts, flowers, and moons.

Kids painstakingly create intricate designs with many colors.

Moms and kids make adorable HANDPRINTS and stencil their NAMES on their shirts.

This craft is going over fabulously!

I take a moment to bask in my brilliance.

After snacks and games, my playdate guests make their way home, excitedly holding their personalized crafts aloft so the shirts can dry.

A spectacular success!

The next week, Chloe asks, “Can I wear my painted shirt tomorrow?” Sure!

I toss it in the washer, then when the cycle’s done, I pull it out – and the shirt’s completely WHITE.

WHERE THE HELL did the paint go? Where’s the butterfly – the rainbow – the lopsided flowers – the stenciled “Chloe?”

I look in the washing machine. No paint.

So now I have a frikkin’ plain white t-shirt.

I’m holding the thing in complete shock, wondering what I’m gonna tell Chloe.

And then I gasp because I realize that if this happened to OUR shirt – it probably happened to the shirts of our 12 playdate guests!

Oh.My.God. HOW EMBARRASSING!

Did I buy the wrong paint? The wrong shirts?

I Google “fabric paint washed off shirts WTF!” — and see directions about PRE-washing the shirts – ensuring they’re 100% cotton – IRONING the painted designs with wax paper to SET the paint before washing it – and all SORTS of other things that might’ve prevented my DISAPPEARING DESIGN FIASCO.

I explain it all to Chloe and throw myself on the mercy of the court. She’s quickly mollified by a rousing game of hide and seek and 3 Oreos, so the UN-painted shirt is quickly forgotten.

But here’s the odd thing. I don’t receive one phone call or text about the disappearing paint from ANY of the moms who attended the playdate!

So help me solve the mystery:

a) They’ve never WASHED the shirts – they just let their tykes re-wear the painted shirts over and over without cleaning them!

b) Their kid hasn’t WORN the shirt yet, so it’s a little surprise time bomb just waiting to go off as soon as they try to wash it.

c) The moms have ALREADY washed the shirts, discovered the paint disappeared, and are much too polite to ever mention it to me.

c) Mine’s the ONLY shirt that turned white.  (IhopeIhopeIhope)

— Darcy Perdu

 to your Humor Board!

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(Any similar disasters at your parties or playdates? Can you solve the mystery of the silent moms?  Give me your best conspiracy theories!)

Welcome to So Then Stories: Hilarious True Tales

Do you enjoy Hilarious True Tales about embarrassing kids, exasperating coworkers, vexing relationships, and the ever-perplexing public?  Then you'll LOVE SoThenStories.com!  Come laugh with us!  #funny #kids #office #husbands #humor

Hey, pull up a bar stool and let’s swap funny stories about our embarrassing kids, exasperating coworkers, vexing relationships, and the ever-perplexing public!  This is where I share my bodacious blunders and hilarious true tales – and invite YOU to share YOUR related experiences – so the laughs just keep rolling!

“Hmm,” you may ask, “Are you really funny?”  Well, not to brag (omg, I’m TOTALLY bragging!), but I won 1st Place in the 2014 Nat. Society of Newspaper Columnists competition (Blog Category under 100,000 monthly visitors) – and I won 2 Humor VOTY Awards at BlogHer in 2013 & 2014.  I was even named Humor Writer of August 2014 by Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop!  Woot! Woot!

So pull up a bar stool and start laughing! 
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TOTALLY Embarrassed in Front of Dr. Fancypants! HILARIOUS True Tale #doctor #medical #embarrassing #funny #teens

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Telling His Teacher a Big Fat Juicy Lie!  #funny #boys #teacher #school #humor

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BOOBIE-trapped -- LITERALLY & Hilariously! True tale when my boob got trapped in...well, you gotta click it to find out! #funny #embarrassing #mammogram #fireman

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Oh, She Did NOT Just Say That! #funny #school #drama #volunteer #pta #pisces #cosmetics #hair #humor

If you enjoy quick hilarious true tales like these, then please pop your email address right HERE so you won’t miss any of my new funny stories!  I LOVE subscribers!

Thanks!  Darcy Perdu

Funniest Way to Get Out of a Ticket

So then…I wince and mutter some expletives, as the sirens wail and the lights flash.

I pull over. Busted for speeding.

Dammit, I’m going to be late for work at the airport.

Yes, I work at the airport – as a security guard.

A skinny, curly-haired 19-year-old girl as a security guard?

Yep, that’s me. (I keep telling them I’d appear more menacing if they let me pack heat – but so far, no go.)

It’s a pretty decent job for a college kid home for the summer — but I don’t make enough coin to cover a hefty speeding ticket.

I rustle around in the glove compartment for the registration. The cop car is parked behind me, no doubt running my plates.

I’m squeaky clean, otherwise I wouldn’t have passed the background check at Burke Security, the firm that provides security guards for our little Louisiana airport.

How little? We have two gates. Only one has an xray machine.

So that means those of us at the non-xray gate have to check the passengers’ carry-on bags BY HAND.

While the passengers are standing there.

Watching us.

This can make for some very uncomfortable moments.

We’re rifling through their personal items, unmentionables, and wish-I-hadn’t-seen-its.

And they’re standing there witnessing this invasion of privacy.

Many times I’ve wanted to cock my head, raise a brow, point to the carry-on and say, “Really? Really?”

The Slim Fast Bar surrounded by a dozen Snickers and Butterfingers.

The business reports interspersed with girlie magazines.

The week’s worth of laundry so filthy, it’s practically writhing.

And don’t get me started on the questionable wardrobe choices. “Oh, honey, you cannot pull off this peach pantsuit.”

In our searches, we haven’t encountered much in the way of weaponry.

But I’m not sure if that’s because our 2-gate airport isn’t much of a terrorist hub – or if it’s because we guards lack the enthusiasm to thoroughly search people’s possessions BY HAND.

If the incendiary devices aren’t in plain view on the top layer of the bag, it’s likely they’re going right through to the plane.

If I so much as SEE someone’s tighty-whities, they’ve got a free pass!

I.am.not.touching.your.underwear.

So far this summer, the only things we’ve confiscated from passengers are several bags of weed — and in one case, a harpoon.

Interestingly, there was no other scuba or fishing equipment in the bag. Just normal stuff and a big-ass harpoon. Our seizure of the instrument was met with some objection.

Harpoon Guy: “You don’t understand. (twitchy, with wild eyes) I NEED this harpoon.”

Oh, no, Harpoon Guy – I think we understand perfectly.

The car door slams behind me. The cop is making his way over to my car.

Maybe he’ll let me go when he understands how critical I am to the safety and well-being of America’s aviation industry. I’m saving pilots from surprise harpoon attacks!

I glance in the side view mirror to assess my challenger.

He looks like a good ole boy. A strict no-nonsense Southern cop.

CopStunnedbyMyResponseNoBackground 350

What ploy will work best to weasel out of this ticket?

Shall I feign innocence?

Flirt a bit?

Weep uncontrollably?

Hmmm. I hop out of the car, to best display my navy blue dacron-polyester Burke Security uniform with the light blue piping.

The cop says sternly, “You know you were speeding, right?”

I say, “Yes, but surely you wouldn’t give a ticket to a fellow officer.”

Silence.

He squints at my uniform with the sewn-on “badge” showing the Burke Security logo.

And then he laughs.

A but-gusting, holy-hell-this-is-HILARIOUS laugh.

And he cannot STOP laughing. He is practically CHOKING, he is laughing so hard.

“Fellow officer?” he sputters.

“Yes, I mean – as a professional courtesy between law enforcers – ” I say seriously, spreading my hands.

He busts up laughing again.

The sight of this scrawny little girl in a cheap rent-a-cop security uniform trying to procure professional privilege SLAYS him.

Between guffaws, he says, “OK, OK, you got me. I can’t ticket you. Off you go. And slow it down, Officer.” He shakes his head, still chuckling, on his way back to his car.

Hot damn and hallelujah!

I vow to keep a spare uniform in my car for any future cop encounters.

— Darcy Perdu

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P.S. No passengers were harmed in the making of my summer job. We weren’t the most diligent baggage searchers, but none of our flights encountered any difficulty. It was many years ago, before people got all crazy, trying to hide combustibles in their shoes & lotions & potions. If I were a security guard now, I’d strip search everybody. But I’d only work at private jet airports frequented by Ryan Gosling and Thunder from Down Under Dancers.

Funniest Way to Get Out of a Ticket - Burke Security with Darcy Face

Yeah, boy – rockin’ my bell bottom security pants!

(Any inventive ways YOU’VE escaped a ticket? Or funny cop encounters? How about an odd summer job or interesting job from your youth?)

Funniest Way to Get Out of a Ticket #cop #speeding #police #car #funny #airplane  #pilot

Back-to-School giveaway from Boogie Wipes. Three winners will win a backpack and mommy clutch - full of school supplies, gift cards and Boogie Wipes. Ends August 22. Enter now!
It’s time to head back to school, and I’m teaming up with Boogie Wipes to offer an awesome Back-to-School Giveaway for kids and moms!
Three lucky winners will receive a backpack stocked with school supplies (and Boogie Wipes) and a Mommy Clutch – full of everything moms needs (including gift cards!)

How to Enter

From following Boogie Wipes on social media to instagramming a picture of your favorite Boogie Wipes products, there are dozens of ways to enter – and a few ways to enter every single day.
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Looking for Great Back-to-School Ideas?

Visit the Boogie Wipes blog for six back-to-school ideas for parents, plus a coupon to save on your favorite Boogie Wipes products.
Great back to school ideas for parents. Must read!
Good luck!  Giveaway is live Tuesday, August 5, 2014 until midnight on August 22, 2014. US and Canada residents only (excluding Quebec). Three winners will be randomly chosen and notified via email. So Then Stories received no compensation for sponsoring this event, and is not responsible for the delivery of the prize. Prize delivery is the sole responsibility of Boogie Wipes.

What’s So Damn Funny?

What's So Damn Funny?  #award-winner #humor #hilarious #writing #blogging

So then…you ask, “What’s so damn funny?”

Apparently me! WooHoo!

I just won 1st Place in the National Society of Newspaper Columnists competition for the Category: Online, Blog & Multimedia Columns (under 100K monthly visitors)!

I’m so excited! Congrats to the other winners too!

Judge Mae Israel, veteran journalist who worked at The Washington Post for nearly 20 years said this about my writing:

“Darcy Perdu writes with wit and clear-eyed energy, with just the right pace and rhythm, eliciting hearty chuckles and nods of solidarity with her tales about raising children and family life. She packages her columns under the label “So Then…Stories,” and plunges lightheartedly into crisp storytelling like a friendly next door neighbor who stops you at the mailbox and lassos you with such engaging language and good humor that you look forward to the next day’s adventure.”

WOW!  Thank you, Mae Israel!  I’m literally blushing!

Can you believe it? I’ve entered 3 writing competitions since I started blogging 18 months ago – and I’ve won awards in all 3 of them! Humor BlogHer VOTY 2013, Humor BlogHer VOTY 2014, and now the National Society of Newspaper Columnists for Blog Category!

3 for 3!

With that winning streak, I feel like I’ll win EVERY contest I EVER enter for the REST OF MY LIFE!

(And I ALSO feel like I should NEVER enter another competition AS LONG AS I LIVE, so that I can maintain my 100% record!) Ha!

And I know what you’re thinking: “Darcy, honey, three humor awards? It’s time to quit your corporate job and write full-time! Focus on your hilarious blog stories, finish writing that uproarious murder mystery, polish up those funny sitcom pilots, pitch those freelance articles, and write the treatment for that kick-ass comedic travel TV series!”

OH.MY.GOD. That’s exactly what I was thinking too!

And if you’re ALSO thinking: “Darcy, honey, I believe in your writing talent SO much, I’ll happily send you enough money to pay all your bills while you’re pursuing your dream” – well, then, I WILL quit my corporate job and write full-time!

And I’ll be so grateful, I’ll have crazy-hot-sexy-time with you! (or just send you a thank you card, whichever you prefer)

But if you don’t have the financial net worth for that kind of patronage:

DO NOT DESPAIR!

There is STILL something you can do to support this worthy cause!

1) Rack your BEAUTIFUL BRAIN to think of any connections you might have in the publishing or entertainment world. Tell ‘em I’m frikkin’ hilarious and link ’em to So Then Stories!

Think hard – is your cousin’s barber’s mechanic’s parole officer’s fiancée a newpaper editor? Literary agent? TV producer? Screenwriter? Magazine editor? Book publisher? Network exec?

If so, let ‘em know that the (cough cough) award-winning humor writer Darcy Perdu is available for hire!   (darcy@sothenstories.com)

2) Press your FABULOUS FINGER on the Share buttons below my humor posts! The more you share my funny stories on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and Google+, the more laugh-loving readers will find my blog, increase my traffic, and capture the attention of publishers and agents who like to see a large following when they choose writers.

3) Use your DARLING DIGITS to type in your email address right HERE so you can automatically receive 2 NEW funny So Then Stories per week. Then forward those emails to your friends/family/lovers/prison pen pals so they’ll start reading the blog too!

I wish I could have flown to Washington DC last week to accept the NSNC award and party with all those cool columnists, but my day job required me to – you know – work, so that I could afford to pay for – you know – food. (Damn that pesky food addiction of mine!)

For the NSNC Competition, each entrant had to submit 3 posts representative of our writing style. These are the 3 that I submitted, so please click the picture below if you haven’t read that one yet!

And THANK YOU for reading So Then Stories! I LOVE reading your COMMENTS!

Love & kisses, The (cough cough) award-winning Darcy Perdu

Most Outrageous Party Guest Ever! #funny #parties #birthday #party #events

Telling the Teacher a Big Fat Juicy Lie! #funny #teacher #student #lying

Oh, She Did NOT Just Say That! #funny #school #drama #volunteer #pta #pisces #cosmetics #hairstyle

 

The Topic is TABOO — But They Give Me a Humor Award Anyway!

I Won An Award 430
So then…I win another Humor Award!

What the what what?!

Yep, I entered the BlogHer competition in 2013 and 2014 – and I won a Humor VOTY both times!

So now I think I’m all that.

And I shall be insufferable and insist on a human umbrella holder to accompany me at all times – even indoors. I shall demand that no one look me directly in the eye or breathe in my direction. I shall require Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream to be served at all my meals…BY Ben and Jerry themselves.

So what’s a VOTY? BlogHer communications and media organization invites writers and bloggers to enter a competition for Voices Of The Year in 4 categories: Humor, Heart, OpEd, and Exploration. The winners are celebrated at the annual BlogHer conference.

Out of thousands of entries, they choose 25 VOTY winners in each category – and I’m VERY EXCITED to be a winner in the 2014 Humor category!

And I’m especially thrilled that it’s for one of my favorite posts!

My Secret Accomplishment is about an AMAZING feat that should probably REMAIN secret since the topic is a bit…indelicate for polite company. But hells bells, people, we ain’t polite!

So here’s the winning post in all its inappropriate glory!

My SECRET Accomplishment
(Photograph-Forbidden)

So then…I poop a Q.

An amazing, perfectly-shaped Q.

It is truly a remarkable thing to behold, but I cannot think of even one person that I can show.

It’s not exactly the type of thing that you can point out to a co-worker –

Like “Hey, Brenda, come look at the Q I pooped! Come quick! It’s an UPPER CASE Q!”

And probably not the type of thing to gather the family round for a group viewing –

Like, “Hey, kids, look what Mom just made!”

It’s one of those things I will have to keep to myself.

I consider taking a photo.

But I couldn’t text it to anyone. And I couldn’t post it.

And I certainly wouldn’t want the Costco photo guy to have to print it out –
or for some relative to stumble across it years from now in a faded photo album and say, “What the hell is this?”

Or DO I?

It is a pretty incredible accomplishment.

“That’s the time I pooped a Q!” I’d say proudly.

“No shit?” they’d say admiringly. And we’d have a good laugh at the unintended pun.

I check my exquisite sculpture and marvel again at its uncanny resemblance to the letter Q. I almost wonder if perhaps tomorrow I will produce another letter – and if, in fact, someone is trying to send me a message.

Since today is a Q, the rules of spelling would dictate that tomorrow’s letter would need to be a U, so I’m wondering what letters would come next. Over time, would I be spelling out Queen?

Quail?

or

Quick, Get Me Outta Here – I’m Trapped in Your Lower Intestine!

My God, that would take weeks to spell out. But you can be sure that I’ll be checking to see if such a message is forthcoming.

I’m not entirely sure when I first began examining my output. I know there was a time when I wouldn’t have given a thought to checking the bowl – just take care of business, wash hands, and out the door.

But at some point awhile back, I started the habit of a quick glance.

I’m not sure if it is curiosity – or a health check – or just that my daily life is so devoid of real accomplishment that my confidence needs the occasional boost from creating a successful bowel movement. Sort of a Defecation Celebration, if you will.

But oh today, I am quite proud. I’ve produced a perfect Q — and with no conscious effort!

This was not deliberate, I assure you. Don’t envision me intentionally leaning, rotating, gyrating to create this letter – this was all perfectly natural. And a delightful surprise!

And yet, there is no way to preserve my masterpiece. No bronzing. No shellacking.

A quick flush and it will be gone forever.

I can only write about the existence of it in this post – with no evidence to support my claim.

But I assure you, it is a perfect Q.

– Darcy Perdu

Please pop your email address here to receive funny NEW posts twice a week!

(Comments: I seriously considered not allowing comments on this post since I usually encourage you to post a RELATED story – and I’m not quite sure I can handle reading lots of comments about YOUR poop, your KID’S poop, and your PET’S poop that resemble other letters, shapes, states, and celebrities. BUT…you were gracious enough to read about my Q – so bring it on – deluge me with stories of your funny feces! Keep it as clean as you can!)

Voty-Announcement-2014 430
FOR SOME GREAT LAUGHS, click 2014 BlogHer Voices Of The Year Winners to read the winning entries of my fellow Humor Winners — and check out the Winners in Heart, OpEd, Exploration, and Photos!

In the Humor category:

Aussa Lorens from Hacker.Ninja.Hooker.Spy receives the People’s Choice Award for Humor for 7 Ways Your Life Is Like High School , and the readers for Humor will be:

I Won A FREAKING Award, Ya’ll!

I Won An Award
So then…I scream, “HOT DAMN & HALLELUJAH!  I WON!  I WON!”

I dance a little jig — my goofy grin beaming.

I am so excited!  Blogher just announced the Voices of the Year winners for the upcoming Blogher Conference in Chicago!

My mind’s ablaze with this fantastic news – and yet, my Rationale Self can’t help but add some much-needed perspective…

Me:  I won, I won!  I am aaaaaawesome!

Rational Self (RS):  Fantastic!  What did you win?

Me:  I dunno – “Funniest Writer in the World” or something like that!  Blogher chose ME!

RS:  Well, read the article.

Me: Oh, OK, there were 2,600 submissions and Blogher chose 100 Voices of the Year – including me!  WooHoo!  I’m the 4th Best Humor Writer on the Internet!

RS:  4th Best Humor Writer – are you sure?

Me: Yeah, see right here – Darcy Perdu is the 4th name on the Humor list!

RS:  Is it possible the names are listed in alphabetical order?

Me:  Oh.

RS:  Hmm.

Me: Well, maybe that is a COINCIDENCE!  Maybe everyone’s rank happens to COINCIDE with the first letter of their na—

RS: Darcy…

Me: OK, OK, but STILL!  I am on the list of the 25 Humor Voices!  This is amazing!  I’m gonna write a speech and—

RS:  Are you sure there’s a speech?

Me:  Yes, see, the article says the speeches will be given by, given by…oh.  OK, well they chose 3 people for speeches in each category, but not me.  Hmm.  OK, but I’m happy for them.

RS:  Really?

Me:  Yes, of course, I’m happy for them – in a totally jealous, but reluctantly respectful, way because I just read their damn posts and they are damn hilarious!

RS:  They are very funny.

Me:  Yeah, and it says here I get to go up on stage with the other winners and take a bow and get my picture taken and receive a gold-plated Rolls Royce!

RS:  Really?

Me:  Well, I don’t know about the last part, but I get to go on staaaaaaaaage!  I am trying on outfits RIGHT NOW!

RS:  The conference isn’t for 3 weeks.  Don’t be psycho.

Me: OK, but in my HEAD, I am trying on outfits – and I – look – FABULOUS!

RS:   Great.

Me:  And they list the websites of the other 24 bloggers in the Humor category, so I can email ALL of them – and we will become besties – and hang out at the whole conference together!!  Maybe I can sew us some sashes that say Humor VOTY – or hot glue some rhinestones on matching tiaras – OMIGOD, I CANNOT WAIT!  I am too excited!  We can conspire together to create some crazy skits when we’re on stage like Tina Fey and Amy Poehler and Melissa McCarthy do at the Emmys & Golden Globes!   Omigod, I should totally contact Tina and Amy and Melissa.  And Mindy Kaling and Jenny Lawson and David Sedaris.  They are so gonna wanna know about my award!!  Where is the IMBD.com of the writing world?!  I need their contact info STAT!!

RS:  (puts head down on desk and sighs)

— Darcy Perdu

Check out the other incredible bloggers in the Humor Category for Voices of the Year 2013.  They are so fun and funny (and my soon-to-be besties!)

In the Humor category:

Lisa Carpenter from Grandma’s Briefs receives the People’s Choice Award for Humor for The Grandma in a Box, and the readers for Humor will be:

And check out the other 75 amazing Voices of the Year in the categories of Heart, Inspiration, and Op Ed at http://www.blogher.com/announcing-voices-year-13-community-keynote-honorees-and-readers.

Thank you, Blogher, for this awesome honor!  I am so excited!  And thank you, everyone who has been reading my blog – you are rockstars!

Darcy Perdu

(Send me decoration ideas for sashes and tiaras for the Humor VOTY gang!  And tell all your friends you are now reading an AWARD-WINNING BLOG!  Woot!  Woot!  Share your Comments!) 
I Won a FREAKING Award, Ya'll