So then…I come face-to-face with my own mortality.
(Well, face-to-“face” might be a misnomer. It’s more like face-to- um…hmm…well…here’s the visual):
I’m fresh from the shower, naked in all my glory, drying my hair. I lean all the way over and flip my hair forward, so the hair dryer can reach the back of my head –
which means my face is staring directly at my…um…baby-maker.
So I’m leaning over, minding my own business (literally) — face-to-hooha — when I suddenly notice a white strand.
This cannot possibly be a white hair! Not there!
It must be a tiny white thread from my bath towel that’s nestled amongst the “genital coiffure.”
(But pulling a loose thread on a sleeve could unravel the whole sweater — so if I pull this thread, will my whole coiffure unravel? Will my vagina fall off?!)
I continue drying the back of my head and lean in for a closer look.
Good God, that IS a hair! A WHITE hair!
In my pelvicular region!
I am mortified! I must remove it immediately!
Pluck it? Too painful!
And if there’s one, there will surely be more to follow.
I can’t keep plucking each one that arrives!
Waxing would be more efficient.
But as more white tufts appear, if I wax random strips all over the place — it’ll look like my neighbor’s lawn when he’s drunk on his rider mower.
Could I dye them?
I can’t POSSIBLY imagine that conversation with my hair stylist!
“Yes, a little off the top please — and a little dye down below.”
What would Pinterest advise?
Probably DIY with a black Sharpie.
I’m totally freaking out that my body is betraying me this way!
I’m horrified at the prospect of more and more white hairs appearing there.
What will people think?
(Not that people are lined up around the block for a viewing, mind you – but still.)
What the hell am I going to do?
Are there wigs for this area? Little vagina wigs?
I should Google that.
(Oh. Or should I? Be careful what you Google.)
Some men hide their bald or greying heads under a baseball cap.
Are there little vagina hats?
I should Google that.
No wait. Maybe not.
Not sure I’m ready to see all the types of vagina accessories sold on-line.
Then I straighten up, look in the mirror and think :
Wait a minute – I’m going about this all wrong!
Instead of hiding this new arrival – I should CELEBRATE it!
Maybe I should ADD some more white!
Why wait for Mother Nature to creep up on me?
I’ll just make a streak of white – it seems to work for Mrs. Munster!
Or maybe I could incorporate SEVERAL colors and some jewels!
My VAJAZZLING will be so DAZZLING, viewers won’t even notice I’m going grey!
I scoot over to the full length mirror to conduct a full investigation.
I need to check the fore and the aft.
I lean forward. I turn around. I bend over.
I try to angle my naked body so I can see myself in the mirror in front – AND the mirrored closet door behind me.
I tilt — I swerve — I lean – I even twerk a little.
“MOM!” yells a kid from the stairs.
Ack! Ack! Ack! Do NOT walk in on this!
I rush to shut the door.
“I’ll be down in a minute!” I shout.
So far, my examination reveals just one lone soldier on the field.
But I know more will appear.
I am officially a little old lady.
My vajayjay says so.
And what do little old ladies do when their hair goes white?
They get that blue rinse.
That is my destiny.
I shall have a blue rinse “pubical” area.
Yep, that’s a real turn-on.
I sigh and put on my bra and undies, resigned to my fate.
It has begun. My once lustrous black mane is being infiltrated by white hair.
Of course, on a man, a salt and pepper hairstyle can actually look quite distinguished.
But a salt and pepper cooter coiff?
Will people see that and say, “Oh, she’s so distinguished!“ ?
I think not.
(Then again, after birthin’ two babies out of there — and enduring some adventurous sexual gymnastics all these years, my vajayjay certainly qualifies for a Distinguished Service Award!)
In fact, for those times my partner was a tad more enthusiastic than me, it could even win an award for Best Supporting Actress!
What award would YOUR vagina win?
Name the award – and the reason why!
A few ideas to spark your creativity – does your vagina qualify for…
Or maybe your vagina would win…
Best Sound Effects
Nickelodeon Award (for producing tons of kids)
Kentucky Derby (for shagging like stallions!)
Grand Prix (for fastest finish!)
— Darcy Perdu
(Get creative! What award does YOUR vagina deserve to win – and WHY? And if you dare confess — are any of YOUR “leaves” changing color downstairs?)