So then…we head to the bar to slake our thirst. And thanks to the brutal Vegas heat, we’re truly in need of genuine hydration – so we buy 4 bottles of water in addition to our drink order.
It’s a bit rowdy at the arena bar – this is, after all, a Lady Gaga concert, so the concessions are packed with all my new “friends” – cool, crazy, costumed characters that they are.
My sister and I are in the line of customers, where there is much jostling – and if we’re here much longer, probably some fondling as well.
Finally my sister orders — and I see the bartender bring over 4 bottles of water, unscrew each cap, TOSS THE CAPS IN THE TRASH, and shove the uncapped bottles toward my sister.
What the hell?
My sister is not pleased. And now she and I are trying to pick up the uncapped sloshing water bottles and figure out how to carry them — along with all our other snacks and accessories.
“Can’t we have the caps?” I ask.
The bartender says, “No.”
“Because of Justin Bieber,” the bartender says.
What!? Justin Bieber doesn’t want me to have caps on my water? This isn’t even a Justin Bieber concert! It’s a Lady Gaga concert!
I look around for Justin. Is he here? Is he watching me? Have I proven myself untrustworthy with bottle caps in the past?
I rack my brain. What’s he worried about? I’m not 3! I’m not gonna swallow it! Oh sure, I occasionally suck on a pen cap – or dangle a paper clip from my lip, but I’m not gonna accidentally ingest a bottle cap!
Maybe there’s a special promotion where you can win cash and prizes by looking at the underside of your bottle cap — and Justin wants to keep all those chances for himself!
Well, that’s just stingy, Justin. YOU have buckets o’ money – and I could really USE a new washer/dryer.
Clumsily, my sister and I make our way through the throngs of concert-goers, spilling water as we waddle through.
“Why doesn’t Justin want us to have bottle caps?” I ask, raising my voice above the din.
“The bartender says it’s because someone threw a bottle of water at Justin at a concert – so from now on, they have to remove all bottle caps!” says my sister.
“Are you KIDDING me?”
“Nope,” she says. “I guess they figure if someone throws an uncapped bottle, the water will spill out before it reaches him.”
Omigod, is Justin in THAT much danger of projectile bottles that we now have a RULE about it?
Then I recall something in the news awhile back — and sure enough, I find the headline from a Brazil concert: Justin Bieber Hit by Water Bottle Thrown by Fan and Storms Off Stage
(The article says the bottle is “thrown by a fan” — but I’d THINK a fan would be more likely to throw some roses or panties onstage. What’s the thought process there? “I really dig this singer – let me pelt him with this pint of liquid!” or maybe “I REALLY love this singer – someone hand me a fire hose!”)
But Justin’s not even here. This is a LADY GAGA concert!
If someone lobbed a bottle at Gaga…
She’d just bat it away with her microphone!
Or bounce it off her shell bra!
Or just swallow it whole!
But not Bieber.
One fan throws one bottle – and now, no one at concerts can have a bottle cap!
This is why we can’t have nice things, Justin.
It’s like that damn wannabe shoe bomber. One guy tries to sneak a bomb in his footwear – and now millions of passengers have to take their shoes off in airports around the globe every day. And have you SEEN what’s on the airport floor? I don’t know that guy’s name, but I curse him every time I have to take my shoes off (even when I’m not at TSA).
I almost feel bad for the Biebs. Here he is, trying to maintain a rep as a hip, edgy musical artist – and now this is what he’s known for? Kinda hurts the street cred, don’t ya think? “I love fast cars, fast women – I’m a straight-up gangsta — and oh yeah, by the way, please don’t fling a water bottle at my noggin.”
It’s a bit embarrassing. Does he really want to be known as the Agent of Social Change for de-weaponizing liquid refreshments?
Back of the Bus? “No!” retorted Rosa Parks.
Mistreatment of migrant farm workers? “No!” shouted Cesar Chavez.
Bottle caps at concerts? “No!” cried Justin Bieber.
It’s also a bit unfair. Someone throws a bottle at Justin and bottle caps are banned. But when the Biebs lobs eggs at his neighbor’s house, are eggs banned? Noooo. Although that WOULD have been pretty hilarious! Can you imagine looking for eggs at your grocery store and the clerk says, “Sorry, no more eggs.” (looks around nervously, then whispers:) “Because of Justin Bieber.”
So I guess I won’t worry that the bottle-cap-brouhaha is damaging the reputation of the egg-throwing, car-speeding, mop-bucket-urinating Bieber –
And perhaps there are other performers who also prompted the bottle cap ban at arenas –
But as I struggle to ensure my bottle doesn’t capsize during the concert, soaking the patrons seated in front of me — I vow to smuggle bottle caps of various sizes into all future concerts.
Go ahead, Security — pat me down! No drugs, no booze, no firearms – just a few plastic bottle caps secretly stashed in my bodacious bra!
— Darcy Perdu
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(Have you run into the Bottle Cap Ban? If YOU had the power to ban something, what would it be? Any odd rules you’ve encountered at work, school, or public places?)
THE RELUCTANT CAT OWNER’S JOURNAL
Yep, that’s me, Darcy Perdu, rockin’ the awesome shirt for RCOJ (Reluctant Cat Owner’s Journal), the hilarious blog written by Cary Vaughn. Thank you, Cary, for your gift – yes, I DO look fabulous – and yes, I AM super skinny. Thanks for noticing.
If you’re not reading RCOJ yet, you should definitely check it out. Although Cary hated the idea of having animals in his house, he loves his animal-loving partner, so he agreed to take in a stray cat. Now they have five – count ‘em, FIVE – cats who rule the roost.
When Cary’s not creating hilarious and wholly impractical inventions to deal with the cats (i.e. Butt-Scooting and Cat-Feeding), he’s entertaining theatre-goers with his rendition of Sir Lancelot in Monty Python’s Spamalot — or a football player in Debbie Does Dallas: The Musical. (Yeah, you heard me – Debbie Does Dallas: The Musical.)
At RCOJ, Cary shares lots of funny adventures – but he also has a wonderful way of writing about ordinary everyday things that just cracks me up. He once wrote a whole blog post about watching a musical when he suddenly lost his Iphone between the seats that had me in stitches. You can also find him over at LeftyPop with some funny and thought-provoking posts.
Also — he’s the best damn lookin’ blogger on the internet.
And the goofiest.
I swear I didn’t beat Cary up for my RCOJ shirt. He gave it to me willingly. I swear!
Go check out The Reluctant Cat Owner’s Journal. Let him be your guilty pleasure!