Welcome to So Then Stories: Hilarious True Tales

Do you enjoy Hilarious True Tales about embarrassing kids, exasperating coworkers, vexing relationships, and the ever-perplexing public?  Then you'll LOVE SoThenStories.com!  Come laugh with us!  #funny #kids #office #husbands #humor

Hey, pull up a bar stool and let’s swap funny stories about our embarrassing kids, exasperating coworkers, vexing relationships, and the ever-perplexing public!  This is where I share my bodacious blunders and hilarious true tales – and invite YOU to share YOUR related experiences – so the laughs just keep rolling!

“Hmm,” you may ask, “Are you really funny?”  Well, not to brag (omg, I’m TOTALLY bragging!), but I won 1st Place in the 2014 Nat. Society of Newspaper Columnists competition (Blog Category under 100,000 monthly visitors) – and I won 2 Humor VOTY Awards at BlogHer in 2013 & 2014.  I was even named Humor Writer of August 2014 by Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop!  Woot! Woot!

So pull up a bar stool and start laughing! 
Click the image below to read now – or PIN for later!

TOTALLY Embarrassed in Front of Dr. Fancypants! HILARIOUS True Tale #doctor #medical #embarrassing #funny #teens

Click the image below to read now – or PIN for later!

Telling His Teacher a Big Fat Juicy Lie!  #funny #boys #teacher #school #humor

Click the image below to read now – or PIN for later!

BOOBIE-trapped -- LITERALLY & Hilariously! True tale when my boob got trapped in...well, you gotta click it to find out! #funny #embarrassing #mammogram #fireman

Click the image below to read now – or PIN for later!

Oh, She Did NOT Just Say That! #funny #school #drama #volunteer #pta #pisces #cosmetics #hair #humor

If you enjoy quick hilarious true tales like these, then please pop your email address right HERE so you won’t miss any of my new funny stories!  I LOVE subscribers!

Thanks!  Darcy Perdu

My BIGGEST FEAR about Attending BlogHer…

My Biggest Fear About BlogHer
So then…panic grips me. It completely devours the excitement I’d been feeling about attending my first BlogHer conference with 5,000 other bloggers in Chicago later this week.

My BIGGEST FEAR about attending the conference reveals itself:

I’m not used to wearing a bra all day long.

At home, as soon as I get back from work, I pop off that constricting torture device and let the girls roam free in a stretchy comfortable camisole.

But at BlogHer, we’ll be going from workshops and sessions directly to dinners and parties.

Bras will probably be expected.

But right about 5:00 pm –

as I’m sitting in a sea of women all attentively focused on the pearls of wisdom dripping from the articulate mouths of the amazing BlogHer speakers –

I fear that my torso will begin to tingle –

my shoulders will begin to squirm –

and my lumps, my lumps, my lovely lady lumps, will yearn to be freed!

I will try to ignore them.

I will concentrate mightily on the speeches and readings and presentations.

But all the while, I’ll be distracted by my aching bosoms, longing to be unfettered.

After all, they’re accustomed to release — right about THIS time EVERY DAY.

I’ll itch. I’ll twitch. I’ll twist and turn.

My bra will compress more and more like a boa constrictor crushing its prey.

And I’m absolutely terrified that –

completely against my will –

my bra will spontaneously SNAP OFF and go flying through the air!

And my grateful breasts will sigh with exquisite relief as they plop into my lap where they belong.

And much like new mothers who uncontrollably begin lactating at the sound of someone else’s crying baby –

I fear that my 5,000 fellow female bloggers’ breasts will sense MY lady lumps’ liberty –

so THEIR bras will ALSO spontaneously SNAP off THEIR bodies and go flying through the conference room!

Snap! Boing! Blam! Ping! Whip! Pop!

Boobies will be bursting out EVERYWHERE!

A huge wild scene of cute breasts and bodacious ta-tas and funky tattoos and nipple rings waving free in the night:

RELEASE…THE…HOUNDS!

And the speaker on stage will see a kaleidoscope of thousands of black, red, white, purple, and pink constricting lingerie popping off the bodies of shocked and horrified women, who are absolutely humiliated that their formerly pert and perky boobies are now puddled on their dinner plates.

And everyone will look to me as the instigator –

either with revulsion

or wait, perhaps…

perhaps…

gratitude?

Will they grin with relief — and hail me as the Emancipator of the Bras That Bind?

Will they clap and cheer, letting their boobies breathe the sweet cool air of the unencumbered?

Will we break out the body paint and GO WILD like the women in my BOOBALICIOUS & HILARIOUS post?

No one knows for sure. But synchronize your watches for 5:00 pm Central Standard Time the first night of the conference – and let the games begin!

— Darcy Perdu

Please pop your email address in the Purple Box below so you can receive funny NEW posts twice a week!

(Do YOUR boobs begin to strain and push against your constricting bra at the end of the day too? Don’t you hate TIGHT things? I used to tell people the first thing I did when I got home from work was to take off my bra and my wedding ring. Then someone asked, “Your bra and your wedding ring? Whose home are you going to!?” If you’re attending BlogHer (or any type of conference) soon — what’s YOUR biggest fear?)

My Biggest Fear About BlogHer P

18 Outrageous Body Painting Jobs! BOOBALICIOUS — and HILARIOUS!

So then…I gasp.

And gape.

And gawk.

And giggle.

I am literally in shock as I see the images that pop up when searching “Why Middle-Aged Women Shouldn’t Be Allowed to Drink” for a post I’m writing.

I’m just looking for your garden-variety drunken face-plant, but INSTEAD I see this:

Painted Boobs 1 Ladies Budweiser
Now, I don’t know who these ladies are – but I totally want to party with them!

They obviously have a FABULOUS sense of humor!

Yes, they are topless — and yes, they have painted their bosoms to look like bulging frog eyes.

They’re lettin’ it ALL hang out!

And what’s even more hysterical is that:

from the neck UP, they totally look like they could be accountants or PTA presidents –

but from the neck DOWN, it’s all P-A-R-T-Y!!
Googly-eyed boobie frogs with frisky tongues and unbuttoned jeans! Hilarious!

Now, I don’t normally shake my ta-tas in public, sans clothing – but I can kind of understand the allure of partying topless with some fun, colorful paint decorations.

Like these chicks who are celebrating Mardi Gras — let the good times roll and the tits swing! I get it. Rock on, sisters.

Painted Boobs 2 Mardi Gras
But what the hell is going on here?

Painted Boobs 2.5 Disney
Is she actually AT Disneyland?

I already shared with you the ONE Thing That Disneyland Insists You Do NOT Bring to Their Park – but apparently Disneyland needs to clarify that you DO need to bring a boob-covering of some kind.

And just as I’m wondering if her parents would be mortified to learn their daughter is exposing herself by baring her Mickey-Minnie breasts…

Painted Boobs 3 Mickey Mouse

I see the family portrait, which indicates that Mom and Dad not only approve of her behavior, but Mom joins in the boobie-baring fun!

Of course, I shudder to think what a full-length photo might reveal that Dad has decorated down below – perhaps a Penile Pluto? Yikes!

Apparently, boob-painting allows people to share their passions in a visually-striking way –

The patriotic:

Painted Boobs 4 Patriotic
The sports fan:

Painted Boobs 5 Sports Fan
The animal lover:

Painted Boobs 6 Penguins
The cartoon enthusiast:

Painted Boobs 7 Cartoon
The art lover:

Painted Boobs 8 Starry Night
Talk about Vincent Van Go-Go!
This is actually a gorgeous rendition of Starry, Starry Night.
You can’t help but be impressed with the craftsmanship of this paint job.

On the other hand, this chick seems singularly UNIMPRESSED with her paint job:
Painted Boobs 9 Skulls Not Happy
She’s like, “Yeah, I guess I’ll show ya. I wanted to coordinate my tits with my skull jacket – but I dunno, once I finished, I just wasn’t feelin’ it, ya know? The flames just look like heartburn. I shoulda gone with the Budweiser Frogs.”

I imagine her at a party, all bummed out over her lackluster Skull Boobs, when suddenly she notices someone enter. “Aw shit,” she mumbles, “Look who’s here – it’s Butterfly Girl.”

Painted Boobs 10 Butterfly

Yowza! Now THAT’S a paint job to be proud of!

If I had a body like this, I’d paint myself like this every day and go about my business. I’m not kidding. If I lose a few pounds, I’m totally doing this. And not just for special occasions. EVERY DAY. Look for me at Target and the post office and the bank. I’m the Bad-Ass Butterfly right in front of you in line.

This next lady looks lovely too, but I’m not digging her pose.

Painted Boobs 11 Purple

It’s like she had to gracefully pause, mid-photo, for a delicate toot.

Pass gas on your own time, lady!

And body painting is NOT just for super models and the cool kids!

Painted Boobs 12 Star Trek

Geeks love it too!
Live long and prosper you Star Trek pranksters, you!

(Somewhere, Spock is turning over in his grave.)
(And he’s not even dead yet.)

Liz Lemon on “30 Rock” has a wonderful expression when she is very excited about something. She stares intensely and says, “I.want.to.go.there.”

I think a lot of men would see this photo:

Painted Boobs 13 Vegas

And say the same thing: “I.want.to.go.there.”
To Vegas.
Or to this lady.
Or both.

But this photo will make you say “I.do.NOT.want.to.go.there.”

Painted Boobs 14 Zombie

Oh she seems nice enough.
But the body paint is just…um…no…wrong…eek eek…run away, run away!

Meanwhile, I have no idea what the HELL is going on here:

Painted Boobs 15 Baseball

Her arm is a bat? One boob is a man? One boob is a ball? The man is holding the bat? What the hell? Just too much going on here! I’m dizzy!  Hit me with the bat, please!

So apparently unicorns DO exist – and they have access to spray paint and bicycles.

Painted Boobs 16 Bike Riders

I especially love the facial expressions of complete nonchalance on the painted ladies – they’re all business-like, totally serious, like: “Nothing to see here, folks, just ridin’ our bikes.”

I do sense a little frustration from Red-Yellow Lady, though – I’m getting that vibe like “Dammit, Lucy, I told you to get ORANGE paint — mixing red and yellow DID NOT work at ALL.”

Blue Babe, meanwhile, is fine with paint in every crack and crevice – but clearly draws the line at her ears. “Not the ears! Not the EARS!”

And you can tell Blue Babe and Not-Even-Close-To-Orange Lady are being all judge-y of Yellow Chick for showing so much skin while rockin’ her painted bikini – like, “Why doesn’t that tramp paint her limbs like us? Show some modesty, for God’s sake! There are CHILDREN present!”

All I can think is how uncomfortable it is to ride a bicycle seat with SHORTS on – so if the only thing separating you and the bike seat on a long ride is a thin layer of paintHoly Shizznit!

Meanwhile, lots of blue paint on this lady below:

Painted Boobs 17 Corset
This seems like a lot of trouble go to, in order to appear to be wearing a sexy corset, panties, and stockings. And isn’t the point of such sensual undergarments to inspire your lover to rip them from your body and ravish you? So in this case – what? Seems a little less sexy if he’s gotta get out the paint remover and a rag…

Or does he just ravish you WHILE you’re painted blue? But if the paint’s transferable, would he end up looking like a member of Blue Man Group? Including his member?

Other photos show people who seem completely surprised that their boobs are painted…

Painted Boobs 18 Surprised Face
Like “OMIGOD, I just woke up! What the hell IS this? Who put this face here?”

Other photos show people who try too hard…

Painted Boobs 19 Trying Too Hard

 

And some people who didn’t try quite hard enough…

Painted Boobs 20 Smiley Face Try Harder
Come on, dude, seriously?
Is that the best you can do?
That’s hardly worth opening a can of paint.

But I do applaud the positive message of a smiley face – so rock on, brother.

Finally, I find a good face plant photo for my other post. But these body painting photos are so bizarre, I just had to share them with you.  (And since they’re posted on Google Images, I guess these fine folks are happy to share their artistic expression with everyone!)  And honestly, I’m impressed with their bold joie de vivre!  Hat’s off to you!  (Or bra’s off, as the case may be.)

Meanwhile, I’m a little worried that you might think I’m obsessed with boobs (I am) since I’ve previously posted about my brilliant invention to corral those wily puppies – and I’ve posted about the time my boob was trapped mid-mammogram when a fire broke out – and now I’m regaling you with photos of painted ta-tas today –

But hey, EVERYONE loves boobies!
And the more colorful and fun — the better!

Even grandmas want in on the Painted Cha-Chas:

Painted Boobs 21 Granny's Swinging
Swing looow, sweet bosom, swing looow…

— Darcy Perdu

 the Boobalicious Fun to your Humor Board!

Catch all my hilarious true tales by subscribing HERE!

For my hysterical PUBLIC humiliation, buy this brand new book:     





And if you enjoyed THIS post, you’ll LOVE these — so click the images below!

The FUNNIEST Difference between Men and Women (Hint: Porno Pictionary!) #funny #games #menvswomen #humor

Vaginas on Parade! #funny #parade #holiday #humor

 How to Get Your Freak On (DISCREETLY) #funny #fetish #oops #humor

(How many cocktails would YOU need to chug to Paint Your Boobs and Parade Around Town?  WHAT would you paint them? Get creative, people! Which is your favorite photo above – for creativity, humor, or artistic talent?)

Painted Boobs 1 Ladies Budweiser