The Topic is TABOO — But They Give Me a Humor Award Anyway!

I Won An Award 430
So then…I win another Humor Award!

What the what what?!

Yep, I entered the BlogHer competition in 2013 and 2014 – and I won a Humor VOTY both times!

So now I think I’m all that.

And I shall be insufferable and insist on a human umbrella holder to accompany me at all times – even indoors. I shall demand that no one look me directly in the eye or breathe in my direction. I shall require Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream to be served at all my meals…BY Ben and Jerry themselves.

So what’s a VOTY? BlogHer communications and media organization invites writers and bloggers to enter a competition for Voices Of The Year in 4 categories: Humor, Heart, OpEd, and Exploration. The winners are celebrated at the annual BlogHer conference.

Out of thousands of entries, they choose 25 VOTY winners in each category – and I’m VERY EXCITED to be a winner in the 2014 Humor category!

And I’m especially thrilled that it’s for one of my favorite posts!

My Secret Accomplishment is about an AMAZING feat that should probably REMAIN secret since the topic is a bit…indelicate for polite company. But hells bells, people, we ain’t polite!

So here’s the winning post in all its inappropriate glory!

My SECRET Accomplishment
(Photograph-Forbidden)

So then…I poop a Q.

An amazing, perfectly-shaped Q.

It is truly a remarkable thing to behold, but I cannot think of even one person that I can show.

It’s not exactly the type of thing that you can point out to a co-worker –

Like “Hey, Brenda, come look at the Q I pooped! Come quick! It’s an UPPER CASE Q!”

And probably not the type of thing to gather the family round for a group viewing –

Like, “Hey, kids, look what Mom just made!”

It’s one of those things I will have to keep to myself.

I consider taking a photo.

But I couldn’t text it to anyone. And I couldn’t post it.

And I certainly wouldn’t want the Costco photo guy to have to print it out –
or for some relative to stumble across it years from now in a faded photo album and say, “What the hell is this?”

Or DO I?

It is a pretty incredible accomplishment.

“That’s the time I pooped a Q!” I’d say proudly.

“No shit?” they’d say admiringly. And we’d have a good laugh at the unintended pun.

I check my exquisite sculpture and marvel again at its uncanny resemblance to the letter Q. I almost wonder if perhaps tomorrow I will produce another letter – and if, in fact, someone is trying to send me a message.

Since today is a Q, the rules of spelling would dictate that tomorrow’s letter would need to be a U, so I’m wondering what letters would come next. Over time, would I be spelling out Queen?

Quail?

or

Quick, Get Me Outta Here – I’m Trapped in Your Lower Intestine!

My God, that would take weeks to spell out. But you can be sure that I’ll be checking to see if such a message is forthcoming.

I’m not entirely sure when I first began examining my output. I know there was a time when I wouldn’t have given a thought to checking the bowl – just take care of business, wash hands, and out the door.

But at some point awhile back, I started the habit of a quick glance.

I’m not sure if it is curiosity – or a health check – or just that my daily life is so devoid of real accomplishment that my confidence needs the occasional boost from creating a successful bowel movement. Sort of a Defecation Celebration, if you will.

But oh today, I am quite proud. I’ve produced a perfect Q — and with no conscious effort!

This was not deliberate, I assure you. Don’t envision me intentionally leaning, rotating, gyrating to create this letter – this was all perfectly natural. And a delightful surprise!

And yet, there is no way to preserve my masterpiece. No bronzing. No shellacking.

A quick flush and it will be gone forever.

I can only write about the existence of it in this post – with no evidence to support my claim.

But I assure you, it is a perfect Q.

– Darcy Perdu

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(Comments: I seriously considered not allowing comments on this post since I usually encourage you to post a RELATED story – and I’m not quite sure I can handle reading lots of comments about YOUR poop, your KID’S poop, and your PET’S poop that resemble other letters, shapes, states, and celebrities. BUT…you were gracious enough to read about my Q – so bring it on – deluge me with stories of your funny feces! Keep it as clean as you can!)

Voty-Announcement-2014 430
FOR SOME GREAT LAUGHS, click 2014 BlogHer Voices Of The Year Winners to read the winning entries of my fellow Humor Winners — and check out the Winners in Heart, OpEd, Exploration, and Photos!

In the Humor category:

Aussa Lorens from Hacker.Ninja.Hooker.Spy receives the People’s Choice Award for Humor for 7 Ways Your Life Is Like High School , and the readers for Humor will be:

I Won A FREAKING Award, Ya’ll!

I Won An Award
So then…I scream, “HOT DAMN & HALLELUJAH!  I WON!  I WON!”

I dance a little jig — my goofy grin beaming.

I am so excited!  Blogher just announced the Voices of the Year winners for the upcoming Blogher Conference in Chicago!

My mind’s ablaze with this fantastic news – and yet, my Rationale Self can’t help but add some much-needed perspective…

Me:  I won, I won!  I am aaaaaawesome!

Rational Self (RS):  Fantastic!  What did you win?

Me:  I dunno – “Funniest Writer in the World” or something like that!  Blogher chose ME!

RS:  Well, read the article.

Me: Oh, OK, there were 2,600 submissions and Blogher chose 100 Voices of the Year – including me!  WooHoo!  I’m the 4th Best Humor Writer on the Internet!

RS:  4th Best Humor Writer – are you sure?

Me: Yeah, see right here – Darcy Perdu is the 4th name on the Humor list!

RS:  Is it possible the names are listed in alphabetical order?

Me:  Oh.

RS:  Hmm.

Me: Well, maybe that is a COINCIDENCE!  Maybe everyone’s rank happens to COINCIDE with the first letter of their na—

RS: Darcy…

Me: OK, OK, but STILL!  I am on the list of the 25 Humor Voices!  This is amazing!  I’m gonna write a speech and—

RS:  Are you sure there’s a speech?

Me:  Yes, see, the article says the speeches will be given by, given by…oh.  OK, well they chose 3 people for speeches in each category, but not me.  Hmm.  OK, but I’m happy for them.

RS:  Really?

Me:  Yes, of course, I’m happy for them – in a totally jealous, but reluctantly respectful, way because I just read their damn posts and they are damn hilarious!

RS:  They are very funny.

Me:  Yeah, and it says here I get to go up on stage with the other winners and take a bow and get my picture taken and receive a gold-plated Rolls Royce!

RS:  Really?

Me:  Well, I don’t know about the last part, but I get to go on staaaaaaaaage!  I am trying on outfits RIGHT NOW!

RS:  The conference isn’t for 3 weeks.  Don’t be psycho.

Me: OK, but in my HEAD, I am trying on outfits – and I – look – FABULOUS!

RS:   Great.

Me:  And they list the websites of the other 24 bloggers in the Humor category, so I can email ALL of them – and we will become besties – and hang out at the whole conference together!!  Maybe I can sew us some sashes that say Humor VOTY – or hot glue some rhinestones on matching tiaras – OMIGOD, I CANNOT WAIT!  I am too excited!  We can conspire together to create some crazy skits when we’re on stage like Tina Fey and Amy Poehler and Melissa McCarthy do at the Emmys & Golden Globes!   Omigod, I should totally contact Tina and Amy and Melissa.  And Mindy Kaling and Jenny Lawson and David Sedaris.  They are so gonna wanna know about my award!!  Where is the IMBD.com of the writing world?!  I need their contact info STAT!!

RS:  (puts head down on desk and sighs)

— Darcy Perdu

Check out the other incredible bloggers in the Humor Category for Voices of the Year 2013.  They are so fun and funny (and my soon-to-be besties!)

In the Humor category:

Lisa Carpenter from Grandma’s Briefs receives the People’s Choice Award for Humor for The Grandma in a Box, and the readers for Humor will be:

And check out the other 75 amazing Voices of the Year in the categories of Heart, Inspiration, and Op Ed at http://www.blogher.com/announcing-voices-year-13-community-keynote-honorees-and-readers.

Thank you, Blogher, for this awesome honor!  I am so excited!  And thank you, everyone who has been reading my blog – you are rockstars!

Darcy Perdu

(Send me decoration ideas for sashes and tiaras for the Humor VOTY gang!  And tell all your friends you are now reading an AWARD-WINNING BLOG!  Woot!  Woot!  Share your Comments!) 
I Won a FREAKING Award, Ya'll