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So then…I poop a Q.
An amazing, perfectly-shaped Q.
It is truly a remarkable thing to behold, but I cannot think of even one person that I can show.
It’s not exactly the type of thing that you can point out to a co-worker –
Like “Hey, Brenda, come look at the Q I pooped! Come quick! It’s an UPPER CASE Q!”
And probably not the type of thing to gather the family round for a group viewing —
Like, “Hey, kids, look what Mom just made!”
It’s one of those things I will have to keep to myself.
I consider taking a photo.
But I couldn’t text it to anyone. And I couldn’t post it.
And I certainly wouldn’t want the Costco photo guy to have to print it out –
or for some relative to stumble across it years from now in a faded photo album and say, “What the hell is this?”
Or DO I?
It is a pretty incredible accomplishment.
“That’s the time I pooped a Q!” I’d say proudly.
“No shit?” they’d say admiringly. And we’d have a good laugh at the unintended pun.
I check my exquisite sculpture and marvel again at its uncanny resemblance to the letter Q. I almost wonder if perhaps tomorrow I will produce another letter – and if, in fact, someone is trying to send me a message.
Since today is a Q, the rules of spelling would dictate that tomorrow’s letter would need to be a U, so I’m wondering what letters would come next. Over time, would I be spelling out Queen?
Quick, Get Me Outta Here – I’m Trapped in Your Lower Intestine!
My God, that would take weeks to spell out. But you can be sure that I’ll be checking to see if such a message is forthcoming.
I’m not entirely sure when I first began examining my output. I know there was a time when I wouldn’t have given a thought to checking the bowl – just take care of business, wash hands, and out the door.
But at some point awhile back, I started the habit of a quick glance.
I’m not sure if it is curiosity – or a health check – or just that my daily life is so devoid of real accomplishment that my confidence needs the occasional boost from creating a successful bowel movement. Sort of a Defecation Celebration, if you will.
But oh today, I am quite proud. I’ve produced a perfect Q — and with no conscious effort!
This was not deliberate, I assure you. Don’t envision me intentionally leaning, rotating, gyrating to create this letter – this was all perfectly natural. And a delightful surprise!
And yet, there is no way to preserve my masterpiece. No bronzing. No shellacking.
A quick flush and it will be gone forever.
I can only write about the existence of it in this post – with no evidence to support my claim.
But I assure you, it is a perfect Q.
— Darcy Perdu
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(Comments: I had seriously considered not allowing comments on this post since I usually encourage you to post a RELATED story – and I’m not quite sure I can handle reading about YOUR poop, your KID’S poop, and your PET’S poop that resemble other letters, shapes, states, and celebrities. BUT…you were gracious enough to read about my Q – so bring it on – deluge me with stories of your funny feces! Keep it as clean as you can!)