Suspicious Laptop Behavior — and My Preteen

Suspicious Laptop Behavior 433

So then…a friend mentions she’d missed this true story the first time around since it was posted when the blog first started — and that she was dying laughing, so I figure I’ll share it with you in case YOU missed it too!

So then…the server sets down the second round of drinks. As we toast Girls’ Night Out as carefree ladies for a whole evening, unencumbered by husbands and kids, it’s only natural that the conversation turns to…

our children’s poo patterns.

“My God, it takes my daughter forever to poo. She takes a book in there and it seems like hours before she comes out again!” exclaims Patty.

“She’s 8 and she’s bringing a book to the bathroom? She’s like an old man!” says Brenda. “My son doesn’t bring anything in the bathroom, but I can hear him talking in there – no phone – nobody else in there — just him talking.” We laugh and encourage her to set up a recording device.

Julie confides, “Well, my son is 5 but he still does the same thing he’s done since he was 2. If he has to poo, he strips completely naked and sits on the pot, singing at the top of his lungs! He says it’s the only way he can go number two!”

We all laugh. “Well, let’s hope he out-grows that before adulthood. That could be awkward around the office,” I say.

“What about your kids, Claire?” asks Julie.

“Well, I don’t mean to brag—“

(Don’t you, Claire? Don’t you, really?)

“—but Allie and Max are pretty regular. They’re 12 and 8 and they just go in every morning and evacuate their bowels,” says Claire.

“EVERY morning?!” we exclaim.

“Well, yes, doctors say it should happen daily — and morning evacuation is the best. I feed the kids plenty of fiber, salads, and—“

“Oh, shut up, Claire. We hate you,” says Julie good-naturedly.

“Yeah, Claire, we hate you and your perfect bowel-evacuating children,” says Brenda with a mock scowl.

Claire laughs, and tries to look humble, but secretly she’s beaming inside.

Patty mutters into her sangria, “Good Lord, my daughter doesn’t poo every day. I’m not even sure if she poos every week.

Patty waves her wine glass in my direction. “OK, Darcy, fess up. What’s the evacuation situation at your house?”

“Well, Chloe’s 9 and she’s pretty regular, I guess. But Tucker’s 12 and always takes a long time to poo. But lately, he’s been taking his computer in there and it seems to take even longer.

Everyone’s eyes widen.

“Oh my God – well, he IS 12. That’s around the age, right?” asks Patty.

“Oh no, do you think he’s…you know?” asks Brenda, somewhat mortified.

“He must be! That’s what the computer’s for – he’s looking at porn!” says Julie.

Claire is speechless.

“Well, that’s exactly what I wanted to know,” I said. “Every time I asked him what’s taking so long or what are you doing on the computer, he was really evasive. So I thought, oh my God, what if he’s in there…looking at sexy pictures and…doing what teenage boys — you know.”

I lower my voice and they lean in a little closer.

“So yesterday after he was in the bathroom forever, he went downstairs. I snuck up there, grabbed his computer and checked the browser history. And there it was – Club Penguin!”

Everyone laughs and looks reassured. All our kids have been to the Club Penguin website to play the computer games there. It’s harmless — but addictive, since the kids want to check on their penguins all the time, so we discourage playing it on school nights.

“Here I thought my little angel was using the computer to find inappropriate websites for arousal and self-pleasuring – and the whole time he’s just been playing Club Penguin! I was so relieved!” I say.

“Unless…” whispers Julie.

“Unless what?”

“Well, unless he’s aroused by…you know…penguins,” says Julie.

I gulp.

Julie laughs.

“Oh, I’m just kidding,” she says. “I’m sure he doesn’t have a penguin fetish.”

She grins. “Or does he?”

— Darcy Perdu

(Share a funny story about your kid’s odd behavior – or something about penguins – or PORN – or PENGUIN porn!)

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44 replies on “Suspicious Laptop Behavior — and My Preteen

  1. Lol that’s too funny – I’m not ready for the day my son starts “maturing” – I’m just not ready.. Nope. Can’t even begin to fathom what that conversation will be like. Glad it was just video games :) Enjoy the rest of your weekend Darcy! -Iva
    AwesomelyOZ recently posted..The Friendship ConundrumMy Profile

  2. Lady Anne said:

    Gosh, what’s wrong with taking a book into the bathroom at eight years old? She’s building some good habits, there. There’s a good reason they call that place “The Library”. I have been known to dash frantically around the house, hoping to find a book, magazine, cereal box – something! – to take into the bathroom before I wet my pants. (And I’m more than 8 x 8.)

    • lol — a cereal box! I hear ya! I’ll even read the SPORTS articles — that’s when you know I’m REALLY desperate!

  3. Makes sense, I started bringing a book in too from a young age, mostly because I never went anywhere without a book.

    Great story! I’m glad it was the penguins and not The Porn.

  4. SO funny!!! I was a bit nervous for a minute… It COULD happen! I mean the kid is 12!!
    Be on the look out for penguin paraphernalia, you never know. ;)
    Chris Carter recently posted..A New Voice of ThankfulMy Profile

    • Ha! “Penguin paraphernalia!” I’ll keep my eyes peeled!

  5. MKS1 said:

    My daughter recently texted me “How did I ever poop without a smart phone?”

    • Ha!! That’s hilarious! This generation doesn’t know how good they got it!!

  6. OMG this is hilarious! Partly because penguin fetish makes for awesome mental pictures and partly because it takes me back to my son’s CP days! He got a gift card for it at one point, then a long time later (like 7th grade-ish) he was playing and I giggled. He said (mortifyingly) “I’m not playing we’re just uh, making fun of other kids playing.’ Nothing prepares you for the horror of raising boys, does it?? At least we get funny stories about it!

    • That’s so funny! I love that he enjoyed playing Club Penguin (CP) but didn’t want to look like he was enjoying it!
      It’s great when they like doing “kid” things!

  7. I am DYING!!! “unless he’s, you know, aroused by cartoon penguins” Bwahahahahahaha. Oh, LAWD!!! I think my son got frisky during an episode of Kim Possible one day. It can happen. –Lisa

  8. William Kendall said:

    Oh boy… this is one reason I don’t have kids!

    • Ha! I can give you a list of another 387 reasons!
      (But of course I love my kiddos and wouldn’t trade ’em for anything!)

  9. Paul said:

    Well Darcy, I’ve pondered this post for two days now and I must confess, I can find nothing to add to it – and you know how seldom I’m speechless. I mean how do you match a discussion of children’s bathroom visits, teenage boys lingering in the bathroom with written/video material and penguin porn? Keep up the great writing!

    • LOL! Paul, you ALWAYS have a related story to share! If you can’t think of something you’ve DONE that relates to those topics — you’re just going to have to go DO something related to those topics! You may need to investigate one of those Plushy Clubs to find someone who likes to dress as a penguin during bow-chicka-wow-wow!

      • Paul said:

        Hahahaha! Darcy, I laughed so hard when I read your reply that there were tears running down my cheeks. I had no idea such “Plushy Clubs” existed. You sound pretty familiar with them – do you think you could get me in as a visitor and introduce me around? Bwahahaha!

        • Ha! Apparently I misspelled that, so I guess I’m not THAT familiar with them. There are Plushies and there are Furries — and they have very different “tastes” — and I advise that you do NOT Google that sh*t! :o)

          • Paul said:

            OMG! I googled it! Now I think I’m going blind! How could I have lived over half a century and never come across this? Shudder. I’ll never look at a stuffed toy the same way again. My innocence is shattered.

          • LOL! Paul, I told you NOT to Google it!
            Although I suppose that’s the same as telling someone not to put pickles in their ears — and the first thing they do when you leave…is put pickles in their ears!
            So I apologize for shattering your innocence — but I’m laughing so hard, I almost want to give you a whole LIST of other things NOT to Google — just to see what happens!!

          • Paul said:

            You won’t believe this Darcy but I am sitting here watching a Canadian TV program called “Border Security” and it has real border crossing incidents with our customs officers. An American is crossing into Canada at Vancouver to meet up with his Canadian friends who are all “furries”! He has a big bushy wolf tail in his suitcase and they ask him about it. He says that’s all he has so far but is collecting the whole suit. Ha! Our poor customs officers have never heard of it and check computer records for beastiality. No records for this guy so they let him enter the country to be with his “pack”. Arrrgh! I felt like yelling at the TV: “No! No! Don’t let him in! He’ll spread the furry virus!” But it was too late. God Darcy, I wouldn’t even be able to understand TV programs anymore if I didn’t have your blog to keep me up to date.

          • Ha! That’s me – Darcy Perdu, providing critical sexual fetish information to the public since 2012. You’re welcome, world!

  10. Bill Mesker said:

    My dear you are an absolute hoot! I happened to find your blog/website on another website that I peruse quite often and boy am I glad I did. Keep up the good work and I’m looking forward to more awesome and freakin’ funny as hell stories!
    All the best,
    William “Bill” J. Mesker.

    • Thanks, Bill! Your comment made my whole night!! :o)

  11. I was just talking about this the other day how we get together sans children and all that we talk about are our kids!!!
    Mine still gets naked. He rarely poops at school but the odd time that he did, he only took his pants, shoes and socks off. When he was done, he came out of the bathroom and asked the teacher “Is my butt clean?”
    Kimberly recently posted..The Computer Ate ItMy Profile

    • OMG dying laughing at your son’s question for the teacher!
      I’m almost afraid to ask how old he is!
      Let’s hope this was preschool and not HIGH school! :o)

  12. Jodi Martin said:

    I’ve only just stumbled across your blog today however I’ve become addicted already and have stayed up until 4am reading every single archived article in reverse chronological order from start to finish so I’m now completely up to date with every post you have on this site!!! Love them all – you are HILARIOUS!!!!

    I can totally relate to this story – I have kids of a similar age and they insist on taking books / iPads into the toilet with them….. though lots of singing can still be heard from my youngest!!!!

    • JODI! You are my NEW BEST FRIEND! I LOOOOOOVE YOU!
      I can’t believe you stayed up til 4:00 am to read my whole archive of stories! You totally rock!
      I’ve often wondered if I should try to gather some of the best posts into a book — and whether or not someone would read several stories in succession — and it sounds like you just did that! Awesome! I should ask your advice on which ones you like the best if I ever do put together a little book!

      ANYWAY, your comment made my whole MONTH! I’m grinning from ear to ear to know that you enjoyed all the stories.
      And I’m delighted to hear that your youngest child serenades everyone while pooing! A rock star who multi-tasks!

  13. HAHAHAHA! That’s hilarious. I’m also impressed that you all are so in touch with the evacuation situations in your houses. The closest I get is asking, “When’s the last time you pooped?” when they complain about a stomach ache. I do not have “perfect bowel-evacuating children.”

    • Ha! I ask the exact same thing! Every time a kid says, “My stomach hurts,” I ask, “When’s the last time you pooped?” Doesn’t even matter if it’s MY kid! It’s such a reflex, I think I’d ask the same thing even if my BOSS complained of a stomach ache! HA!

      • Clementina said:

        I used to babysit after work and the little girl never said ‘please’ so I took up the habit of saying ‘what’s the magic word’ every time she asked me for anything.

        Of course working two jobs I was pretty tired so I ended up saying it to my boss one day. Ensued some horrified mumbled apologies…

        To be fair, he SHOULD have used the ‘magic word’… :)

        • Ha!! Yes, he SHOULD have said the magic word!! That’s so funny you said that to your boss! Love that!

  14. Kristy Stewart said:

    My 4 year old, Colby, always strips down completely naked before pooping. I asked him why, and he explained “I don’t want to get poop on any of my clothes!” I mean, what goes on in there that his clothes can’t be anywhere near the toilet? I just picture poo flying everywhere and him rubbing his brow and sighing afterword and saying “Thank goodness I even took my socks and shirt off!”

    • That’s so funny! It’s like he thinks the poop simultaneously shoots out of ALL known orifices! Hopefully it’s just shootin’ outta his little bum!

    • Ha! So maybe he’ll be attracted to human waddlers when he grows up!

  15. It’s hard to know when a person has a penguin fetish. Not everything is black and white. ;)

    • HAAAA! I just snorted out loud! That’s a hilarious comment!