Super Bad? More like SUPER MAD!

Super Bad More Like SUPER MAD
So then…I shout, “Fine!”

And then he shouts, “FINE!” — slams the door, gets in his car, and drives to work.

I seethe.

We’re in the middle of a big argument and he bails just to go to work? Where are his priorities?

He works at night, so it’s already dark out. I head to the kitchen.

I’m so mad at him, I can barely eat dinner. But it’s pasta and chocolate chip cookies, so I suffer through. In fact, I’m such a martyr, I suffer through several helpings.

I replay the argument in my head.

I was being logical, reasonable, rational – raising excellent points and substantiating them with clear, concise examples.

He was being a jerkfacemonkeybutt.

Normally we get along fine – we’ve been living together awhile now – we’re in our 30’s with good jobs, a decent house, and a pretty chill lifestyle – we’re laidback and laugh a lot.

But when he’s being a jerkfacemonkeybutt, I find him to be insufferable and quickly catalog every tiny thing about him that drives me insane.

As I walk through the house putting away the laundry, I notice things like:

This is the stupidest shirt ever. Why does he wear this shirt?
Seriously, can he not put his dishes IN the dishwasher instead of the sink?
I suppose the trash can was just too far away for this soda can.
Why is his golf club IN the house? That’s stupid. He’s stupid.
Ugh, look at his shoes. His shoes are annoying me.

I watch TV. I note how all the boyfriends on TV are so much better, nicer, funnier, smarter, and sweeter than my boyfriend.

I do a little paperwork, polish off the last cookies, and head down the hallway to the bedroom.

Just then I hear a loud THUMP CRASH!

My heart stops. I freeze.

It’s close to midnight. He’s not due back til 2:00 am. I’m not expecting any visitors.

What the hell was that?

Is someone out there?

I had whirled around when I heard the noise, so my legs and arms are all akimbo in the hallway – but I’m literally frozen solid like a fossilized dinosaur mid-run when the glacial apocalypse hits.

Fight or flight? Fight or flight? My heart is hammering.

I muster up my courage and dart toward the sound. The front door is WIDE OPEN.

WIDE OPEN TO THE BIG BLACK SCARY NIGHT.

I rush to slam it shut and lock it.

I lean against it, breathing hard, arms spread out against the door to keep the bad guys out.

Oh shit, what if they are already inside and I just locked them in here with me?

Panic!

I run to the kitchen for a huge knife and the portable phone.

Do I search the house?
They might be hiding somewhere inside.
They’ll jump out and murder me.
Do I run to my car in the driveway?
There might be more of them outside.
They’ll jump out and murder me.
I’m surrounded!

I pause in the kitchen holding the knife in front of me — leaning forward, concentrating fiercely to try to hear where they are.

Outside, I hear rustling – are they trying to get in the house – or is the wind whipping the tree branches and leaves around?  Are coyotes out there?

Inside I hear creaking – are they walking around – or is this old house settling?

More rustling — more snapping, crackling – are those footsteps? Is someone banging on the window?

I’m seriously in a panic. I have no choice. I have to call 911.

“Hi um I’m really scared I think someone’s trying to get in my house or maybe they’re already IN my house and I’m all alone and it’s pitch black out there and I keep hearing them trying to get in the house! I don’t know any of my neighbors. I’m afraid to leave and afraid to stay. Can you please send someone just to check to make sure no one is here? I’m really scared. I’m all alone! Did I say that? Did I say I’m alone? I’m really freaked out!!”

The dispatcher takes my address, asks a few questions, and says she’ll send a squad car over to make sure nobody’s trying to break in.

I position myself halfway between the front door and the back door, so I can make a quick escape, depending on the direction I’m attacked. I brandish the butcher knife in one hand and the phone in the other, waiting for the police to arrive. I dare not move in any direction. I am frozen.

I wait and wait and wait.

I could be dead by now. Seriously dead. What the hell, police officers? It doesn’t take much time to murder someone – I could be long dead by the time you get here.

Out of desperation — I call jerkfacemonkeybutt. I wail into the phone about the people trying to murder me – and infuse my tale with an accusatory tone since clearly it’s HIS fault that I’m in this predicament. Not sure how exactly, but damn sure, nonetheless.

He tries to calm me down and says he’ll come right home from work.

About 20 minutes later, he comes in the front door.

I’m still standing in the same spot, eyes WIDE and WILD, knife hand thrust forward, phone hand near my ear.

He advances to give me a hug. My face recoils, my knife hand waves him off.

“Don’t touch me,” I hiss.

“What’s wrong?” he asks. He’s already forgotten all about our earlier argument. He’s like that.

He always says men are like microwaves – they get mad – then zap, it’s over. Women are like crockpots, simmering and stewing that anger all.day.long. He’s right – I’ve been simmering and stewing and sweating here in the same spot, my Safety Spot, literally terrified to go anywhere or do anything until the police come to verify no one’s breaking into my house!!

I don’t even deign to answer the question about what’s wrong.

He quickly searches the house and reports back that no one else is here.
He says it doesn’t look like anyone’s tampered with the doors or windows.

“The door was WIDE OPEN! WIDE.OPEN! Someone OPENED the door! And they’re out there still! They’ve been making noises and banging all night! ALL NIGHT! I want the COPS to check this whole place out!!! YOU don’t know what to look for! The COPS will find them!!”

Full-out high-pitched hysteria.

He knows well enough to quietly sit down and wait it out with me.

After a few tense moments, he asks, “When did you call the police?”

“Almost 45 minutes ago! And they’re still not here! I could be dead by now! DEAD!!”

“Huh. That’s a long time.” He grins. “You shoulda called Dominos Pizza. They’d be here in 30 minutes or less.”

I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL KILL HIM RIGHT NOW.
I WILL BASH HIS SKULL IN WITH THIS PHONE AND STAB HIM IN THE GROIN WITH THIS KNIFE.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER.

I glare at him with such pure loathing, that stupid grin slides right off his stupid face.

The doorbell rings.

The cops are here!

THANK GOD!

They’ll search the premises – and check the perimeter – and find evidence that vicious criminals were trying to break into my house – and secure the area so no one can ever harm us!!

I rush from my Safety Spot to open the door. “You’re finally here!” I exclaim.

Two weary cops stand there. One says, “Yeah, sorry it took us so long to get here. The winds are so strong in the Valley tonight, we’ve been answering calls all over the place about doors blowing open. So what’s your situation here?”

***
Oh.my.freaking.God.

I can FEEL my boyfriend behind me, laughing his ass off INTERNALLY. He’s not uttering a sound, but his shoulders are shaking that telltale sign of inner mirth.

And if these cops were not standing right in front of me, I swear I would stab him immediately and repeatedly. And I would not feel one tiny bit of remorse.

I’d just fling the bloody knife to the floor with a flourish – like a rock star hurls his microphone – then shout “Peace out” – and drive to the store for more cookies.

— Darcy Perdu

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(Have you ever scared yourself absolutely silly? Any funny or embarrassing cop stories to share? And can YOU catalog all the annoying things about your significant other right after you have an argument? Do share in the Comments section!)

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66 replies on “Super Bad? More like SUPER MAD!

  1. Carmen Barajas said:

    Oh, my freakin’ god. I have tears running down my face from laughter. I was trying so hard to hold it in too, cause I’m at work.

    Funniest story ever!

  2. I’m so hugging my dog right now! She barks at anyone who comes near the front door, even my hubby… who’s absent two nights a week.

    So no intruder? I’m thinking you live in a haunted house… all the more reason to buy more cookies!
    Lisa Nolan recently posted..Did Our Moms Second Guess Their Parenting Choices?My Profile

    • “More cookies” is always a good answer to any problem! :o)

  3. Is this really true?
    I could totally relate to the first part – I’ve walked around pissed when my husband has left while I’m still mad. And, minus the wide open door, the coming home completely over the fight – yep!!!
    Thanks for sharing – glad no one was hurt!!!
    Kim recently posted..Shots, Shots and More ShotsMy Profile

    • Yes, Kim, totally true. I was MORTIFIED when the cops said they’d been all over the Valley because doors were blowing open! I was so embarrassed, I almost wanted to make up some OTHER reason that I called them. They were practically rolling their eyes when I told them about my door. Jeesh. And of COURSE my boyfriend was there to witness the whole humiliation! Of course I laugh about it NOW — but then? Not so much!

  4. I love that you spite-eat. I do that too. I love a glass of spite wine, too. This was hysterical! I was grinning my ass off the whole way through..haha!
    Beth Teliho recently posted..Pass The Effins, Please.My Profile

    • ha! “a glass of spite wine” — I love that!

  5. Keyla said:

    I was staying at my boyfriend’s place in the city for valentines day weekend, we were supposed to spend the weekend having fun, checking out new apartments for him & I to move into together, romantic dinner, the whole nine yards… then all of a sudden I was sick as a dog. So I spent valentines day and night sick in bed. In the middle of the night at some point I woke him up and asked if he could get me an advil & a glass of water (my side of the bed is up against a wall so I’d have to climb over him). His response… “the advils in the bathroom, you know where the glasses are”. I was FUMING mad. I really want to stomp around and make a big scene but he has roommates, I don’t want to wake them up so I go dig through the entire bathroom to discover the advil bottle is empty. I go back to bed MAD. I fall asleep and he wakes me up sometime later. Apparently I was yelling at him in my sleep “Purple is FOUR. PURPLE IS FOUR. why do you not get this?! Purple is four! UGH”. Then I stopped. I told him maybe he shouldn’t let me go to bed angry! Now, of course I can laugh at it but that night, no way. Now anytime I’m mad and don’t know why I mutter “purple is four dammit!”.

    • That’s so funny! I’m going to adopt that phrase now too! “Purple is four dammit!”

  6. Ohhhhh no! I totally relate to the “I hate EVERYSINGLETHING ABOUT YOU” part of an argument.

    And I’m pissed that he was there to see what the cops told you.

    Whoa did I tap into argumentative mood easily!

    And yes. I scared myself TOTALLY silly recently! Like, my heart nearly stopped, silly.
    Considerer recently posted..Let me sing you a storyMy Profile

    • So glad you can relate! Sometimes I scare myself into such terror, I lose all rational thought! Later I laugh about it, but in the moment, I truly believe I’m in catastrophic danger!

  7. OOOOOOh funny and scary. I was on the edge of my seat! Men are annoying until they aren’t. I always tell mine that he’s lucky he’s so cute. lol

    • agreed! men ARE annoying — but they DO have some nice qualities…

    • it’s interesting about arguments — with some guys, it’s almost like there’s a computer re-set button — the next day, everything’s back to normal — but some of us gals take a biiiiiiit longer to reboot! :o)

  8. Now that the situation is over, can I laugh at the Domino’s comment? Because that cracked me up.

    I thought someone was in my house once. I was 13-14, pooping in the downstairs bathroom. I heard HUMAN foot steps, and I was sure it wasn’t one of the 5 animals I had. This sounded too heavy. I stopped in mid-poop and climbed out the doggy door with the phone. I ran to the very tip of my front yard and called my parents freaking out. It took them 20 minutes, 20 MINUTES to get home. They figured I was seeing things and took their time. They were literally right around the corner, 2 minutes driving time TOPS.

    I swear I saw someone when I looked back towards my house. To this day, I still have no idea if anyone was in there.
    Ashlee recently posted..Wedding Bliss And Bodily FluidsMy Profile

    • Omigod! I can’t believe your parents almost let you get killed mid-poop! That is hilarious!

  9. As I am a cop, I have many many funny and embarrassing cop stories, yes. I also notice that things that don’t normally bother me about my wife when all is well irritate the shit out of me when we’re in a tiff, like the way she breathes or is wearing my damn shirt or god, if her fork clanks that plate again I’m going to erupt!!! LOL. Thankfully, I suck at holding a grudge for more than 4 minutes. I enjoyed this post, even if you did come off as a bit bat shit crazy to this first time visitor.
    don recently posted..Lots of stuff and a monday funday with G$…My Profile

    • Ha! Well, I AM a bit bat-shit crazy! or at least I am when I manage to scare myself silly!
      Love that you’re a cop — I bet you have a TON of funny stories!

      • You’d be surprised maybe at the number of women who call the police to report that there is a burglar in the house and the burglar is simply the husband coming home from wherever, often at the exact time he should be expected. I sometimes wonder if those women aren’t hoping some irrationally, jumpy cop will shoot their intruder husband so they can be free of him!
        don recently posted..That time I went crazy…My Profile

        • Keyla said:

          Many years ago, my mum was home alone and was expecting my dad to come home the next day. They lived out in the country and at about 2 AM she heard something so she got up and was walking through the house and saw my dad. He was standing in the entry way, he had just got home. Mum actually passed out, she was so shocked. Now, in the days of the cell phone he can call her before freaking her out!

          • omg, can’t believe she passed out! Yikes! she must have been so surprised to see him at 2 am! good thing she wasn’t armed!

  10. Shirley said:

    Lol! I ALWAYS DO THAT- get mad at my hubby then yell at him for the stupidest things that typically don’t annoy me yet there is literally NO WAY he could possibly be doing that EXCEPT to annoy me lol. Even today- we work together- he was spinning in his chair and he was bothering me to high heaven, and he just spun back and forth, back and forth… And the annoying mosquito whine-type squeaking the chair would make… I finally grabbed his chair with him facing me, and shouted, “I swear to GOD- STOP. MOVING!” His response: “Yeesh. Someone’s in a bad mood.” He hadn’t even realized I was annoyed! Grr… I hate when he does that. :)

    • So funny! I can relate! We’re usually pretty good about tolerating, tolerating, tolerating and then we SNAP! :o)
      And the other person is like, “huh? what?”

  11. Damn Girl, I thought I was crazy, scaring the shit out of myself about once a week… My problem?? My hubby is a trucker and only home in the weekends and I have four cats. Yeah….. No help from them, neither cats or hubby….
    My weapon of choice; a Mack-lite (the big one) because we can’t own guns in the Netherlands (and BOY would I be a good red-neck!! and have a gun) and my mobile…. That’s all…
    My stategy: wine. Lots of it. And earplugs. Let me tell you; it works!!!

    • So glad I’m not the only one! I love your Emergency Disaster Kit: Mack-lite, mobile, earplugs, and wine!

  12. Wow. I’ve been reading your blog for awhile now. My wife came to my office today and I had this article pulled up but I hadn’t read it yet. She doesn’t follow bloggers or anything really that isn’t on Pinterest and so I figured we’d bond as I read this out loud.

    She was laughing so hard, begging me to stop or she would “pee” her pants. OMFSM! Thank you. We really enjoyed it. :)

    • Cash, your comment made my day! I’m so happy when readers tell me that they share the stories with others! That’s so cool! Glad you guys enjoyed it!

    • Glad I’m not the only to whip myself into hysteria! :o)

    • Glad to provide some chuckles, you microwave you! :o)

  13. Paul said:

    Wow Darcy! You are some kinda violent inside your head – Whew! Your story was very funny – and I like the “crock pot” analogy, although in your case it would be more like a small volcano: overheated, glowing, spewing. Ha!

    I trucked in the US and Canada for many years and so I have a collection of funny cop stories. There is one, though, that is more embarrassing than any of the others. We hauled frozen fish from Canada to the US. I was leased to a company in Maine and we travelled State Hwy 9 (aptly called “The Airline” for its twists and turns and hills) between Calais Maine and Bangor every trip. Being paid by weight for product hauled, I tended to load heavy for a bigger paycheque. One Saturday night I was headed toward Boston on the Airline, grossing (weight of truck plus load) 94,500 pounds. The problem being that I was only permitted by the Maine government a maximum weight of 80,000 pounds. To get caught overweight would result in fines of hundreds or thousands of dollars. The state troopers didn’t usually bother us with weight considerations but they were aware of our limitations and just sort of turned a blind eye.

    About half way though the Airline at 2 am I came across an accident scene where an empty tractor-trailer was sitting upright down in a deep ditch beside the road. The Troopers had the road blocked and a small wrecker was trying to pull the unit out of the ditch. I was in line watching with amusement as the little wrecker tugged and pulled and tried its best. But each time he winched hard on the cable, the front end of the wrecker would just rise up in the air and it would start to slide backwards. As I watched, a Trooper started walking back the line of stopped cars and I was surprised when he jumped up on the step to my driver’s door. I was still paying more attention to the little wrecker bouncing up and down on the end of the tow line, when he spoke: “How much do you weigh?” No alarm bells went off in my head and I blurted out the truth: “Ninety-four Thousand Five Hundred”

    It was too late when I realized my mistake. The Trooper knew and he knew I knew, and it was all over. With a big smile he said: “Well then, I’m sure you won’t mind being an anchor for our wrecker while he winches that truck out of the ditch.” No way out of this: “No sir, I would be more than happy to help.” And so, that night I donated 3 hours to the Maine State Troopers while chained to the little wrecker to keep it on the ground, all the time cursing my stupidity and big mouth.

    • The microwave vs. crock pot analogy is courtesy of the boyfriend and I have to say, it’s pretty dang accurate!
      As for your trooper run-in, I think it’s so funny you automatically answered the “how much do you weigh?” question with your true truck plus load weight! I’m surprised you didn’t tell him how much YOU personally weigh! BTW, pretty smart trooper to politely blackmail you into serving as the anchor! Ha!

  14. You’ve done it again Darcy Perdu. Another hilarious story:) I am scared shitless of the dark. Put it this way, I don’t lock my doors at night because unlike all the horror movies where the woman runs down the basement stairs, hello, or upstairs or to the front door to find she can’t turn that knob and the glowing red eyes behind her are closing in…….I’ll be long gone.

    • Good point! Unlocked doors help for a hasty retreat!

  15. Darcy, a few months ago my husband was out of town for work. My daughters were in the cottage next to the house when the power went off. I peeped out the window and could see power across the road. My daughters phoned me and told me they were scared and hearing noises. My dogs started barking and I started hearing things. I locked myself in the bathroom and called the police. They arrived promptly, they were very nice, what I could not see was that only my side of the road’s power was off and there was a truck in the road with a worker working on the power. The police were very kind and said we must always call when we are nervous, but I did feel very silly.
    Vivian recently posted..HealingMy Profile

    • power out? I would have assumed vicious criminals had cut the power, all the better to murder me efficiently — so I would definitely have called the police too! so glad it turned out to be a power company worker instead! :o)

  16. Oh my my my my my. This is classic. Absolutely typiKel stuff. I am so with you on this. There is simply not enough space here to outline my embarassing cop stories. I’ll offer up a wee soupcon… calling cops to check on neighbour’s break – in only to be told the thief is an innocent floor tiler, being ordered to stay outside of my house (accidently set off my alarm) until backup arrives, chatting but not really chatting with police about the suspected drug house across the street “I want to fly wayyyy low on the radar about this…” etc etc. LOVE this piece.
    Kelly McKenzie recently posted..There’s No Place Like Dorm RoomMy Profile

    • First, I love you because you used the word “soupcon” — !!
      Second, I love that you’re ratting out innocent floor tilers! Ha!
      And using the good sense to fly under the radar when ratting out the neighbor drug lords! Another Ha!

  17. The crockpot analogy was AWESOME! That’s exactly how we are, well I am! LoL. My bf will be SHOCKED at the stupid arguments I bring up from long ago yet I forget mundane details like what I did last week, or what I wore, or what I ate. Great post, really made my day laughing at it. :) Happy Hump Day! -Iva
    Awesomely Over-Zealous recently posted..Why I Dodge the Haunted HouseMy Profile

  18. I have totally done that to myself! And yes, it is quite embarrassing. However, my mother once called 911 (yes, here in NC it is also the number you call for EMERGENCIES ONLY) to report that there was a raccoon in their driveway, and she could not get out of the car because she was too frightened. Needless to say, the 911 operator was not amused. But, I sure was!-Ashley

    • omigod — Death by Rabid Raccoon Attack! That is totally a real thing! OF COURSE she should have called 911! I would have done the same thing!

      “Me and Your Mom: Amusing 911 Dispatchers since 1987! Ha! :O)

  19. Amy Reindl said:

    When Dad was out of town my stepmom was awakened by voices in the house. She called the cops and got up the nerve to check it out with the .38 revolver. Somehow the radio had been turned on (the cat out for laughs maybe?). I can’t imagine how terrified she was.

  20. I think my favorite lines are “you should’ve called Dominos pizza” and “ugh, look at those shoes. His shoes are annoying me”
    Great story. Love your blog.
    New follower – Whit from Raspy Wit

    • Thank you, Whit, love to meet new followers! Welcome!

  21. Stooooopppppp I’m dying. I am such a spaz when I’m home alone at night. My husband travels a lot with his job and I lay in bed with one hand on a baseball bat and one hand on top of my pepper spray container and JUST PRAY that my kids don’t startle me in the middle of my slumber so I don’t bash their skulls in and blind them for all eternity.

    Also? Men are complete morons.
    Meredith @ The Girl Next Door Drinks and Swears recently posted..Let’s Do This.My Profile

    • Hahaha! I’m laughing at that visual of you fully armed in bed! Hilarious!

  22. Vicky said:

    This actually happened to my mom a few years ago but it is pretty funny looking back on it now.

    She had just moved to TN and her then boyfriend (she later married him) was out on the road, he was a regional truck driver, so he’d be gone most of the week. She had locked up the house and then went to bed, she had 3 dogs at the time, one that slept in his crate in the living room and the other 2 slept in the bedroom with her.

    She always closed the bedroom door when she went to bed and the dogs were acting funny, so she decided to go out to see why they were acting weird. The door to her bedroom was locked. She couldn’t open the door. The only tool she had was a metal nail file. She tried like hell to jimmy the lock or the handle but couldn’t get it open. She ultimately had to call the police and tell then where the hide a key was.

    She was mortified that she was locked in her own room. But even the officer had to go on a search for tools to get her out of the bedroom, it took him a half hour of working on the door to get her out.

    We all look back and laugh that mom locked herself into the bedroom and had to call the police.

    • how embarrassing! and how funny! my favorite kind of story! :o)

      It reminds me of the time my boyfriend was staying at a hotel and had just taken a shower. Before getting dressed, he decided to try on the pair of brand new cowboy boots he’d won at the event. But he tried them on barefoot and his feet were still semi-wet — and the boots were too small. So he could NOT get the boots off! He could only get his underwear over the boots so he was dressed in his underwear and the hotel robe. But he had to get ready for work and couldn’t get the boots off no matter what! He got so panicked that he had to call the bellman to come upstairs and pull the boots off! He was mortified to greet the guy in undies and boots and figured the bellman must surely think he called him up there for some kinky sex play — but he was all “Please mister, just pull these damn boots off!” I still crack up at that image! I hope he tipped well!

  23. You know you have ghosts right. Scary clowns under your bed. Shadows in your closets.

    Maybe you should order Domino’s next time. Evil clowns like pizza.

    You and your guy sound like us when we fight. Too funny.
    Phil recently posted..Do they really think we are that stupid? Really?My Profile

  24. Karen said:

    As always your stories make me laugh..but this one OMG..hilarious..trying to hold it in because I am at work is not going well….

  25. Good story but I think you were male bashing the poor guy. He was right about crockpots (Close to that other bad word we like to call each other) and microwaves. He was right about the Domino Pizza deliveryman and cops but the cops were right about windy nights and doors blowing open. Three out of three ain’t bad for the guys this time. It’s okay because TV shows and ads always make us out to be the biggest dumb-asses in the universe so we can stand a glimmer of glory sometimes.
    Ben Swilley recently posted..Too Slow for VertigoMy Profile

    • Ben, upon re-reading the story from your perspective, I realize that the men in this story DO come out looking reasonable — and I come out looking bat-shit crazy. Therefore, I declare the whole story one enormous TYPO! Because clearly, EVERYBODY is crazy, except for me! :o)

  26. Our neighbourhood had several break-ins in a row and the police thought it was a group working the neighbourhood.

    To help us combat this new threat our local block watch sent out a reminder to keep an eye out for suspicious activities and cars in the neighbourhood.

    They also provided helpful 3-step instructions for what to do when you see said suspicious activities.

    1. See a suspicious activity.
    2. Confirm the activity. (Call your neighbour to find out if the car or person should be on their property.)
    3. If no one answers…call 911.

    I felt well prepared. (That’s always a bad sign.)

    Around 10 am the next day I looked out the window to see a white panel van parked two doors down. It was unmarked and looked exactly like the van I’d seen driving slowly down the road the night before.

    I watched as two men got out of the van, went to the front door. Moments later they walked around back (unaccompanied).

    Ah-ha, I thought. 1. Witness a suspicious activity.

    I called my neighbour to check on their presence. There was no answer. (2. Suspicious activity confirmed.)

    Adrenaline coursed through my system dampening the bad-guys-are-right-next-door fear. I knew what to do. Step 3. Call 911.

    Five police cars descended on my neighbour’s house. Uniforms surrounded the two-story home and I watched as the same two suspicious men were dragged from the house and held at gun point. Behind the safety of my sheer living room curtains I pumped my fist. Yes. We got them. (Notice how I’m totally part of the getting them team?)

    I then saw an officer come out of the house with my neighbour. OMG I thought, I’m totally a hero. They had her hostage. I would have fist pumped again but before I could lift my hand up the officers had put their guns away and let the men go.

    No. Wait. That’s totally not how this sort of thing ends on TV…

    Confused, I waited while an officer came to my door to tell me:

    “You did the right thing ma’am. If that was them, we’d have got them.”

    But it wasn’t the nefarious “them”. The men were carpet cleaners. (My neighbour hadn’t answered the phone because she couldn’t hear it over her crying baby.)

    As he talked my face turned a shade of red OPI would call “Anywhere but here”.

    • LOL! That is hilarious! You told that story so well, I can just see you pumping your fist in jubilation when you thought you had helped catch the bad guys!! Too funny!!

  27. I think you’d be my girl crush if i knew you in person. Weird? Okay, maybe my BFF. Uh, maybe a little too High School”ish”. Okay, fine, here it is: You are my hero. Say it like it is. And put it out there for the world to enjoy. Thanks for making me laugh, not twice, but thrice. (geez, I’ve been wanting to use that word for some time now).

    • Elke, if I made you laugh thrice, we’re obviously meant to be together. Emailing you marriage certificate now. Please transfer half your financial assets to my Swiss bank account. Honeymoon in Aruba. Meet me there at 3 pm.