YIKES! Just Found a Weed in my LADY GARDEN!

Yikes! Just Found a White Weed in my Lady Garden! #funny #beauty #hair #humor

So then…I come face-to-face with my own mortality.

(Well, face-to-“face” might be a misnomer. It’s more like face-to-  um…hmm…well…here’s the visual):

I’m fresh from the shower, naked in all my glory, drying my hair. I lean all the way over and flip my hair forward, so the hair dryer can reach the back of my head –

which means my face is staring directly at my…um…baby-maker.

So I’m leaning over, minding my own business (literally) — face-to-hooha — when I suddenly notice a white strand.

WHAT?

This cannot possibly be a white hair!  Not there!

It must be a tiny white thread from my bath towel that’s nestled amongst the “genital coiffure.”

(But pulling a loose thread on a sleeve could unravel the whole sweater — so if I pull this thread, will my whole coiffure unravel? Will my vagina fall off?!)

I continue drying the back of my head and lean in for a closer look.

Good God, that IS a hair! A WHITE hair!

In my pelvicular region!

I am mortified! I must remove it immediately!

But how?
Pluck it? Too painful!
And if there’s one, there will surely be more to follow.
I can’t keep plucking each one that arrives!

Waxing would be more efficient.
But as more white tufts appear, if I wax random strips all over the place — it’ll look like my neighbor’s lawn when he’s drunk on his rider mower.

Could I dye them?
I can’t POSSIBLY imagine that conversation with my hair stylist!
“Yes, a little off the top please — and a little dye down below.”

What would Pinterest advise?
Probably DIY with a black Sharpie.

I’m totally freaking out that my body is betraying me this way!
I’m horrified at the prospect of more and more white hairs appearing there.
What will people think?
(Not that people are lined up around the block for a viewing, mind you – but still.)

What the hell am I going to do?

Are there wigs for this area? Little vagina wigs?
I should Google that.

(Oh. Or should I? Be careful what you Google.)

Some men hide their bald or greying heads under a baseball cap.
Are there little vagina hats?
I should Google that.
No wait. Maybe not.
Not sure I’m ready to see all the types of vagina accessories sold on-line.

Then I straighten up, look in the mirror and think :
Wait a minute – I’m going about this all wrong!
Instead of hiding this new arrival – I should CELEBRATE it!

Maybe I should ADD some more white!
Why wait for Mother Nature to creep up on me?
I’ll just make a streak of white – it seems to work for Mrs. Munster!

Funny - Vagina Awards Mrs. Munster

Or maybe I could incorporate SEVERAL colors and some jewels!
My VAJAZZLING will be so DAZZLING, viewers won’t even notice I’m going grey!

I scoot over to the full length mirror to conduct a full investigation.
I need to check the fore and the aft.
I lean forward. I turn around.  I bend over.
I try to angle my naked body so I can see myself in the mirror in front – AND the mirrored closet door behind me.
I tilt — I swerve — I lean – I even twerk a little.

“MOM!” yells a kid from the stairs.

Ack! Ack! Ack! Do NOT walk in on this!
I rush to shut the door.

“I’ll be down in a minute!” I shout.

So far, my examination reveals just one lone soldier on the field.

But I know more will appear.
I am officially a little old lady.
My vajayjay says so.

And what do little old ladies do when their hair goes white?
They get that blue rinse.
That is my destiny.
I shall have a blue rinse “pubical” area.

Yep, that’s a real turn-on.

Funny Vagina Awards Blue Rinse

I sigh and put on my bra and undies, resigned to my fate.

It has begun. My once lustrous black mane is being infiltrated by white hair.

Of course, on a man, a salt and pepper hairstyle can actually look quite distinguished.

But a salt and pepper cooter coiff?
Will people see that and say, “Oh, she’s so distinguished!  ?
I think not.

(Then again, after birthin’ two babies out of there — and enduring some adventurous sexual gymnastics all these years, my vajayjay certainly qualifies for a Distinguished Service Award!)

In fact, for those times my partner was a tad more enthusiastic than me, it could even win an award for Best Supporting Actress!

What award would YOUR vagina win?

Name the award – and the reason why!

A few ideas to spark your creativity – does your vagina qualify for…

Yikes!  Just Found a "Weed" in My Lady Garden!  Hilarious reaction to finding a white hair down "there!" - which inspires the Vajayjay Awards!  #funny #hair #wig

Yikes!  Just Found a "Weed" in My Lady Garden!  Hilarious reaction to finding a white hair down "there!" - which inspires the Vajayjay Awards!  #funny #hair #wig #ladybusinessYikes!  Just Found a "Weed" in My Lady Garden!  Hilarious reaction to finding a white hair down "there!" - which inspires the Vajayjay Awards!  #funny #hair #wig #humorOr maybe your vagina would win…

Best Sound Effects
Nickelodeon Award (for producing tons of kids)
Kentucky Derby (for shagging like stallions!)
or perhaps…
Grand Prix (for fastest finish!)
— Darcy Perdu

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(Get creative! What award does YOUR vagina deserve to win – and WHY? And if you dare confess — are any of YOUR “leaves” changing color downstairs?)

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156 replies on “YIKES! Just Found a Weed in my LADY GARDEN!

  1. I laughed so hard whilst reading this I now have a stomach ache!

    Remembered the story (urban myth?) of the surgeon who found the patient had dyed her area green with a tattoo stating “keep off the grass”

    • ha! that’s an awesome tattoo — hope it’s true!

  2. What a funny post! Love the AWARD idea. How many gals will participate? How many will fess-up? How many hairs? So many questions…. I’ll go with Best Actress in a Drama. Long story- or short one, depending.
    A Pleasant House recently posted..Natural DisastersMy Profile

    • Sounds like a great story behind that award! One day, we’ll have to go for margaritas so you’ll tell it!

  3. Judy said:

    I think its called a Merkin… that’s a cooter wig for ya. Hubby told me about them once. They were designed so strippers could wear them and ergo not be naked. It was to bypass obscenity laws.

    Anyway, perhaps a swipe of mascara is in order?

    My Veejayjay’s award: some sort of immaturity award I’m sure.

    • just Googled “merkin” — oh my god — going to lie down now

      meanwhile, thanks for the mascara tip!

    • Some recent movie — was it Inglourious Basterds? — had a brothel scene in which (it was reported) the extras wore merkins because apparently it’s hard to find a nude extra these days who isn’t shaved/waxed, as they wouldn’t have been at the time portrayed.

      • Yikes!! Don’t think I’d want to be in charge of wigs and toupees on THAT shoot!

  4. LOL! Ahhh.. I’d say mini me would qualify for the Grand Prix, Most Dependable, and the best Supporting Actress! :)I have no white hairs down South but I’m not even 30 and have grays on my head! I figured that’s the universe’s way of saying I have acquired wisdom when it comes to life; so you can say this is universe’s way of saying you have acquired sexual wisdom :P

    Happy Monday!
    -Iva
    Awesomely Over-Zealous recently posted..Naked and AfraidMy Profile

    • Thank you, Iva! I LOVE the idea that this means I have sexual wisdom! Way to spin a negative into a positive!
      And CONGRATS on all those awards! Damn, girl — you need a trophy case!

      • You are very welcome Darcy :) Hey, sometimes you have to put a pep in your step however you can, and putting positive twists always works. :) Thank you thank you,a trophy case would be nice :)Work hard, play hard!
        Awesomely Over-Zealous recently posted..Naked and AfraidMy Profile

  5. I’m 79–mine retired some time ago. If I knew there were awards, I might have stayed in business!!

  6. VAJAZZLING !!!! OH My God!! lol You kill me! I have your solution… introducing… Va-jay-jay “hair” dye http://www.drugstore.com/products/prod.asp?pid=197039&catid=183788&aid=338666&aparam=38512090995brandBettybeauty&device=c&network=g&matchtype= lol it exists because you aren’t the first woman to go through this panic moment. I found a long, thick, white hair on my head today… I felt a moment of panic, but then I realized that aside from being a makeup artist and hairstylist I’m also a Digital Marketing Specialist and some gray hairs may actually mean a little extra respect at the office. lol All I know is… we both need some “hair” color just for different locations! lol

    • Veronica, you’re my go-to gal for all beauty-related catastrophes! I should have known that YOU’D know of a product for this crisis! :o)

      • lol I have a whole lot of solutions and information store in my little head… Sometimes the info is useless… sometimes it’s hilarious! Maybe I should post on my blog a “How to” for the “hooha” lol!!

        • “How To for the HooHa” is an awesome title! Go for it!

    • Caitlin said:

      I totally thought of this product when I was reading this blog!

    • Thanks, Dani! I’m glad you liked it!
      And I think Best Attendance is a fabulous HooHa Award!!

  7. They’re called merkins. And I wish I knew why I knew that. But I truly don’t.

    And for REAL it goes white!? Oh the things you learn on the Blogosphere which your mother REALLY should’ve told you!

    No awards here.
    Considerer recently posted..TToT 18:2 The wonder of it allMy Profile

    • ha! yep, it really goes white — and yep, I’m here to testify to it — and yep, I’ve learned some things on the Blogosphere I wish I could UNlearn! :o)

  8. BEST ACTRESS IN A DRAMA because one time I had to leave my friend’s wedding to get stitches in my “pelvicular region” after a horrifying accident. One stitch right on the lady lawn. 100 stitched to my dignity.

    ALSO I LOVED THIS POST SO HARD.
    Teresa recently posted..The Princess Contract, or HOW I DON’T DIE.My Profile

    • ha! (one stitch on the lady lawn!)

      thanks, Teresa, and you DEFINITELY deserve Best Actress in a Drama for that — AND a Medal of Valor!!

  9. Mimi Gin said:

    I work with a couple of SANE’s (special nurses for assaults). They assure me that most vajayjay’s are bald! On purpose!!!!! Talk about keeping the grays at bay. OUCH

    • I’m glad you specified that they were bald ON PURPOSE!
      For a moment, I had a panic attack that my Vajayjay hair would turn white AND go bald! I about fainted when I pictured a comb-over there!!!

      • Dana said:

        Umm…it very well could go bald, not on purpose. Unfortunately, I know that my grandmother’s was completely gone when she died, and my mom’s is pretty much gone as well. (She’s 77.)

    • Ha! You gents CERTAINLY deserve awards for your equipment too! Hee Hee

  10. Paul said:

    Yikes! As a Male reader, I had to cover my eyes with my hands and peek out between my fingers to read your latest post and the comments – too afraid to read and too curious not to. And the new words I learned! I obviously can’t comment on the awards contest, but I can still contribute with a suggestion. You could make up a small travel kit for Vajazzling that you could use whenever an opportunity for an award winning HooHa performance was imminent (just duck onto the nearest washroom, closet, change room, etc. for a quick Vajazzle with your handy-dandy kit). It would contain one of those small brush applicators of hair dye that men (and women) use to touch up less than desirable hair color areas, a small inspection mirror with a swivel head on a rod, like the dental hygienist has and a small LED light to illuminate the area while you’re Vajazzling. The upgraded kits would also have multiple coloured brushes, some small jewels for decoration purposes, a tube of defogging lotion for the mirror in case the HooHa in question is warming up for the award-winning performance and reduces visibility in the mirror, and a merkin in case you choose to postpone the performance but don’t want to completely renege. All packaged in an attractive leather travel case about the size of a wallet. How handy would that be?

    • Paul, you are a BRILLIANT GENIUS! You need to start marketing these kits IMMEDIATELY! They will be the hottest holiday gift this season!

      And I laughed out loud at your defogging lotion for the mirror “in case the HooHa in question is warming up for the award-winning performance!” That is PRICELESS!

    • Heather said:

      Psst, Paul, that’s not Vajazzling. That’s just touch up.
      Vajazzling is more like strip mining and gluing more sparkles than a show girl’s costume to the yard.

      • Paul said:

        My profoundest apologies Heather – my experience in product development in this area is limited – and I am completely open to beta user suggestions. I understand better now that Vajazzling is closer to strip-mining, which, of course is synonymous with mountain top removal mining (checked Wikipedia). We can easily further upgrade the travel kit to better reflect this focus. In addition to a mirror, defogging lotion, LED, hair dyes and small precious stones (like diamonds, sapphires, emeralds, etc.), we can add a razor (to draw patterns and/or stripes in the “lady lawn”), clitter, small gold and silver coins and medical adhesive for attaching the decorations. As an option, we could also offer short hair extensions (of various colors) to build the volume for those who have suffered a thinning of the turf. With these new additions to the Vajazzling travel kit, the number of potential options for decoration is virtually unlimited. For instance, if one wanted to stick to the literal definition of strip mining, one could shave stripes in the genital coiffure, then alternate strips of diamonds, then strips of natural, then sapphires, then natural, then gold coins, etc. And, of course, the natural strips could be alternating colors as well. One could create the image of, say, a bunny and then fill it in with jewels (sapphire for the eyes,diamonds for the body and rubies for the ears, of course) The possibilities are limitless!

        I wasn’t aware that there was such a large market for a high-end Vajazzling kit until you pointed it out. For that I shall be eternally grateful for the business opportunity. You have opened my eyes. (Wide!)

        • Paul, you are hilarious! You’ve obviously put a lot of thought and care into this kit — and the decorations it could create!
          I can just see you teaching this Creative Cooter Crafting Class at your local community college!!!

          • Paul said:

            I just realized (when I came across the word in a book I am reading) that Vajazzling is actually real. The kit exists. I feel very stupid about now. My apologies.

          • HA! Poor Paul. Maybe you can create a kit for Manscaping!

    • Ha! That’s a great idea — we should ask the gents what awards THEY think we should win. Be VERY careful, men…

      • Meredith said:

        See and this one makes me think of the 30 second family feud clip going around where the two men are supposed to answer which of the 7 dwarfs describes their wife in bed…..

        • HA! I love that question! I’d say Grumpy-Sleepy! :o)

  11. Julie said:

    Oh Darcy! I am not even sure where to begin!

    Perhaps it will be like those rogue single grey strands I have on my head, sometimes they are up and waving a neon sign to be noticed and sometimes no matter how hard I look, they are no where to be seen.

    I have my own story for you. I think the first post I read from you was your poor (and by poor I mean very lucky) girl’s long hair. My hair is probably that long as well. If you have ever had very long hair it does seem to get everywhere when it releases from your head. So then.. I am in the same position as you (minus the blow dryer) and I see what I had to be a head hair dangling. Except when I attempted to remove it, I found it was attached! OMG where the hell did that come from?! It was one single ZZTop beard-type stray! I considered framing it, I had no idea that area could actually grow to such substantial lengths! Perhaps corn rows are in order?

    • bwhahaha! I’m picturing the look on your face when you realized that ultra-long strand was attached THERE! that’s hysterical!! call Guinness World Book of Records!!

      • Julie said:

        The solution suddenly came to me when I got out of the shower! It is so simple Darcy! Don’t do that anymore! It was a bit chilly so I GOT DRESSED before I combed out my hair! GENIUS!

        And yes, I really wanted to share that find with someone…instead I just cut it.

    • Omigod — that video is disturbingly hilarious! My favorite line: “Using Clitter while pregnant will result in Sparkly Babies!” HA!

  12. Linda said:

    I don’t know about an award, but your story reminded me that no one tells you your vagina gets fat when you get pregnant. Or when you gain weight. You gain weight everywhere! I was very unhappy about my fat vagina and looked into the labia reducing surgeries (after I heard it was a thing). But that was more repulsive to me than my fat vagina. I was worried my boyfriend thought my vagina was fat, so I asked, “Do these panties make my vagina look fat?” That’s what I said in my head. I actually asked him if he thought I had a fat vagina. I am pretty sure he said no because he figured that if he answered yes, that would be the last time he saw my fat vagina. He’s quick like that. So I guess my vagina would get the Big is Beautiful Award.

    • Big is Beautiful is a perfect award! and your boyfriend is very, very smart!

  13. Marianne said:

    Hey Darcy…use the mascara …but of dif colors… wouldn’t THAT be fun? rainbow pubes! tee hee… hubby would have great fun over the rainbow….white clouds..the rest in blue, red, green, yellow..etc…and remember that THEY also fall out..so it may be a while before another comes in…or it may also be a fluke..lone and solitary. I wouldn’t worry. :-) <3 ya!

    • oh lordy, a Pelvicular Rainbow! you are hilarious!

  14. Darcy, you are hilarious! As in, no more reading your posts over lunch unless I have shit to clean my computer screen handy. I think that my hoo-ha award, back in my hoo-ha hay day, would have been, “Most Wanted.” And yes, I am delusional.

    • oooo, I LOVE that one: MOST WANTED!! I can just see your HooHa gracing those old-timey WANTED posters all over town! Ha!

  15. I’m pretty sure mine would win the “back to nature” award because I am not down with waxing and landing strips and whatever else the kids are into these days.
    BUT…I know what Pinterest would suggest for you vag to get her Edna on…
    http://www.pinterest.com/pin/380202393512908374/

    You’re welcome. We silver foxes (silver beavers?) have to stick together. :D -Lisa

    • Hahaha — silver foxes/beavers ! too funny!
      and thanks for the product tip — can’t believe it comes in BLUE — it’s my worst nightmare to have a blue rinse coiffure down there!

  16. Deb said:

    I think the first grey I found south of the border was way more disturbing than any found on my head.
    I think I’ll go for “friendliest” because once my husband said, “honey, did you know you had a grey hair down here? And look he has a friend!” Now it has lots of friends.

    • If I were in charge — and God only know why I’m NOT — I would make sure that ladies old enough to have greying pelvicular areas would be matched up with men old enough to have poor eye sight so they don’t even notice! Is that too much to ask? Come on, God! Help a sister out!

  17. Seriously – falling off my chair laughing. At work. So not a good look. My boss is wondering whether he should have me committed or not. Love the award for the best sound effects. Ew!!!

    • ha! glad to provide a chuckle while you’re working!

  18. Darcy, this is freaking HUL-arious!

    I DIED when you mentioned twerking a little bit while trying to get a closer look. OMG that’s just crazy funny.

    I guess my vajayjay would go under the title “Best Actress in a Drama.’ And if it makes you feel any better, as I started getting older, the hairs didn’t get gray…they just started disappearing! Pretty soon I’ll have a bald lady in my nether region!!!

    • oh lordy, now I gotta worry about FE-male pattern baldness! :o)

  19. HA! A white hair – down there? Reminds me of that SATC episode, who was it…Miranda? Dying her lady garden. This is hilarious Darcy. And perhaps at the awards ceremony, the presenter will be Queefer Sutherland? (sorry, couldn’t resist!)
    Linda Roy – elleroy was here recently posted..100 Word Song: Poor PlacesMy Profile

  20. This is really interesting. I had no idea it would be so traumatic for a woman to show nether-land aging. Don’t worry. It looks like you are on top of things, both figuratively and literally.

    Don’t use the blue rinse. It may burn the hell out of you. I like your awards. They show deep thought and concern. I do remember a couple of lesser awards. There was one for the gal who was so motionless during the act that her husband became alarmed and called 911. He thought she was dead. There is also the strobe light award. For this one, he has to have the strobe light turned on during sex so it will look like the woman is moving.

    I’m glad you had a couple of guys commenting besides me. I didn’t know whether to feel giddy or naturally hoary.

  21. Cash said:

    Shave that beauty. For in that stubble no one shall see the white or grey.

  22. I know I should not be laughing at this but I am!
    I just remembered – you can always get a merkin! I’m sure they come in many colors.

    • Phil — I hear this tragic turn of events effects men too! Your day will come! :o)

  23. Heather said:

    This brings me to a discussion I had with my husband the other day. We had been watching a movie that mentioned “Manscaping.” We were at dinner after a softball game with the other guys from the team and several of his family members. My husband suddenly breaks out and compliments one of the other guys in the team on his manscaping, referring to their facial hair and haircut.

    Everyone just stops and kinda stares at my husband. So of course to ease the tension, I have to break out “The Princess Bride.” “I do not think you know what this word means,” followed by sending the impressionable children away to explain to my husband the definition of manscaping.

    And of course I’m sure you’ve seen the “Mow the Lawn” video on youtube. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MvFSgXpyhoM

    • Heather! I laughed out loud at your husband’s faux pas! That is hysterical!! I’m sure the guy whose manscaping he complimented was all “oh…um…okkkkk” !

      And that is probably one of the BEST & MOST APPROPRIATE uses for the Princess Bride line! Love that you whipped that phrase out — too funny!

      I had NOT seen that Mow the Lawn video yet, so thank you for sharing that cheery, funny clip (yes, pun intended!) — very funny!!

  24. Oh, mine completely wins an International Humanitarian Award for having the WORST possible sex with a Canadian ever, AND not being a bitch to him about it…just so we (she and I) could be as polite as he was.

    • Hahahaha! Hilarious! Those dadgum Canadians — so dang polite!

  25. Ha ha ha! This post was excellent! I’m sorry you found the white hair, but I’m glad you turned it into a positive. And don’t even think of going blue!

    I’d say mine has to be the Hall of Shame (when referring to my younger years.) It’s probably the “Mother Effing Awesome” award.

    Wait, I didn’t see that on there. Is that an option?

    LOVED THIS POST! So clever.

    • LOVE the “Mother Effing Awesome” Award! That is definitely an option! I’d like to win that one too!

  26. Jewlee said:

    Well, it isn’t hair, but right now I am so pregnant that I didn’t realize until I saw my nekked self in the mirror the other day that I have stretch marks… THERE. WTF?!?! I thought I didn’t have any since I can’t see past my stretched-flat-belly button of doom. I thought I had lucked out. But NOPE. This kid better be good or I’ll scar him for life with that image as I fling it at his head when he gets too sassy for his pants at 16…. that’s good parenting right?

    • eek! stretch marks THERE? yowza!
      sometimes it’s best not to look.
      just.not.look.
      :o)

    • Finally! An honest answer!

      P.S. Just checked out your website and laughed out loud at the Clown Dating Website!

  27. You are too funny! This made my day, which is perhaps a bizarre thing to say, given the context… I really admire what you do with words. Vagina accessories! The Munster lady’s white streak! And the awards!
    Gunmetal Geisha recently posted..The Blogging Dance in 5 StepsMy Profile

  28. Dude, you so have to list all of the SEO terms that come up for now on! Wait until you start being the receptacle for the search “vagina hat”!!! LOL!!! LOVED THIS!
    Jen recently posted..Who Are You Calling Special?My Profile

    • that’s hilarious! I hadn’t thought that people might find my website by searching those types of phrases! and if they DID type in “Vagina Hat” — were they looking for hats FOR their vaginas? — or a hat MADE out of vaginas? eeeeeek!

    • ha! so the silver lining on the cloud is the fact I can see the silver in my pelvicular area!

  29. This is hysterical! I think the best solution is to not look – if you do not see it, it is not happening. I think mine would have to win the most valuable player; with two small children I am exhausted at the end of the day but am almost always willing to take one for the team, I may not always hit a home run but I put in a good effort!
    Jan @ An Ideal Mom recently posted..Mommy What Would You Do If…? My Children’s Story that Received Honorable Mention on Eccentric Chai!!My Profile

    • Ha — “take one for the team” — love it!
      And I agree with your solution — just don’t look! Years ago, I saw some article all about how to inspect your lady parts with a hand mirror while assuming all these complicated positions to get a closer look — and I’m like “uh, no thank you.”

  30. Ha ha I laughed – I remember the first time I found a weed. I opted for plucking but eventually there were too many so I simply ignore it now — I have enough work trying to keep my top hair grey free.
    Vivian Pitschlitz recently posted..The devil does not wear PradaMy Profile

    • Ha! Both very eye-popping choices there, for any of your viewers! :o)

  31. Brandy said:

    This has got to be one of the funniest posts I have read in YEARS! Cooter coif? I sooooo am going to use that one day! Awards for the vajayjay?! Hilarious!

  32. Jennifer said:

    Thank you for making me laugh till I cried. Just found your blog and have been reading all your posts. Count me a follower.

    As for awards – really depended on my partner – sometimes I was lucky to get a walk on role. My younger years it would have been most visited amusement and then for several years it was closed for business.

    not sure what it would be now – most reliable I guess.

    • Ha! “Most Visited Amusement” — love that!
      Thanks for saying you laughed til you cried — you made my day!

  33. OMG, I thought about doing a blog on this same topic, but I don’t think in a million years I could compete with what you wrote here! Hysterical! So glad I found you. Will you officially be my funny blogger friend? I’m new at this. Going to my first Blog Her conference next July. You in?
    Parri (Her Royal Thighness) recently posted..The Year I Picked a Fight With SantaMy Profile

  34. Oh Lord you are hilarious! but I’m glad I’m not the only one inspecting her hoohaa. I worry when a strand goes against the flow lol Thanks for the early morning laughs!
    jhanis recently posted..Holiday Ham RecipeMy Profile

    • ha! “when a strand goes against the flow!” so funny!

  35. Oh dear, so many wonderful and/or disturbing visuals.

    I noticed my first greybeard while at a party I think during my college days. I remember seeing a friend in the kitchen and making him look at it for some reason. It was just so out of place. Well, of course the hostess of the party and a couple of her friends walk in while he’s crouched down eyeballing my nutsack and let’s just say that young women just don’t understand shit sometimes. It was just my junk, people!
    donofalltrades recently posted..Eh, it’s a late to the party post mostly about 2014 goals.My Profile

    • ok, now I laughed out loud at YOUR visual!
      why you would think a PARTY is the appropriate time for a bro’ inspection of the ‘fro, I have no idea!
      You musta consumed too many Bud Light Limes!

      • Sadly, that was way before BLL came into existence. So, I don’t know if you’ve ever met a drunk boy in his late teens/early 20’s? Lol. That was during the pay $2 and fill your red solo cup as often as you want period. C’mon now, don’t tell me you wouldn’t have showed somebody had they been nearby. It was the first one ever on my body anywhere! It had to be seen!
        donofalltrades recently posted..Eh, it’s a late to the party post mostly about 2014 goals.My Profile

  36. Ha! Cooter Coiff! I’m rolling! I love how honest you are here. Thanks for the laugh. I think I’ll go see what I’ve got going on down there. Or do I want to know?

    • Ha! Definitely check — but no selfies please!

  37. Oh Lord, you are hilarious! It’s midnight and I think I woke my husband with my insane giggling…

    Merkin. That is the wig you are looking for. I don’t remember how I happened upon that word or the meaning of it, but I’ve known it for a few years now. I should probably blame my crazy youth, but I can’t remember most of it, ha.

    I am pretty sure my lady bits have earned a few awards, but the tops ones would be the Humanitarian Award (for the good of the people!…I need to destroy that CD), and the MVP award. How else can I explain the strange phenomenon of having four kids in four years? It certainly wasn’t spontaneous, and I’m not the new Mary!
    Karly recently posted..Tasty Tuesdays {45}My Profile

    • 4 kids in 4 years? Holy Cow! You DO deserve an award! MVP is right! You win a box of Merkins!

  38. Katherine D said:

    OMG ROFLMAO!! Have had this very same conversation with myself, I adore you Darcy!! Thank you for making my day, again!

  39. OMG yup. been there. I refer to them as The White Knights, because they are Powerful and Brave and well, tweezed the fuck out.
    HAHAHAH
    Love. Sharing from HV

    • Ha! “The White Knights?” LOVE that! And what do knights do? Why protect the virtue of the fair princess, of course! And with enough White Knights, I won’t be in any danger of anyone making moves on my virtue! Ha!

  40. My ladyparts would probably receive the same comments I rec’vd on my report card: Inadequate daily preparation; plays well with others; not working up to her full potential.

    We are so going to be friends!
    kathykate recently posted..Why it matters: NSSF in NewtownMy Profile

  41. Best Sound Effects? Ahahahaha!!

    Well, you can just pluck the grey. Yes, yes. It will be too painful but do it after a nice warm bath and it will reduce the pain. I did it several times (didn’t have grey ones yet, though) and it hurts, every time! But it will be better every time! Trust me!

    Plus, it’s better if you pluck them all rather than shave or wax.

    Anyway, be proud of the grey! Grey power!

    • Ha! I love that — Grey Power! I shall wear it proudly!

  42. Gurrrl, I totally dye my pubes. Usually hot pink, though.

    They make pube specific dye! It’s called Betty Beauty. It’s awesome and fucking hilarious.

    :D

    Lol I just had to share.
    Rokkie recently posted..Learning to drive at 29My Profile

    • omg – you are now my new best friend!! I LOVE that you dye your lady garden hot pink! You rock!

  43. This was hilarious, Darcy! I was snorting my way through it. As for my award, I’m thinking Most Narcoleptic? I love your blog – you are a pro! Visiting here shows me I have a lot to learn. Thanks so much for taking the time to comment on my blog – I’m honored! Have a great wknd!
    AshleyBigTopFamily recently posted..Cirque du Today: Mortification Purge PartyMy Profile

  44. Traci said:

    This was a hilarious read. And yes, what a great idea to commemorate our years in service!

    As a single gal of a certain age, I’ve seen a few lovers. I appreciate their enthusiasm and dedication to the cause, but nominate myself for the “Rosey Cherry Award: Transforming lives through extraordinary leadership.”

    • Bwahaha! “transforming lives!” Love it! Keep up your noble work, woman!!

    • Oh, stop, I’m blushing! High praise indeed, from you, AK!

    • Thanks, Stephanie! Glad to know I’m not alone in discovering such an atrocity!

    • There’s a CLUB? Hell, sign me up, baby! Hopefully there’s an open bar!

  45. Vagina hat. I think we should start a business. LMAO. Mine showed up the day after I gave birth. Swear.

    • Bwahaha! I love the timing of that appearance! Hysterical!

  46. Oh my good GRIEF! I’ve not visited your blog in ages. What a post to land on. Died laughing. Well I didn’t, I’m here typing this. But the vagina wig!! Want my advice? No? Gonna give it anyway. Laser, my love. Get it all removed. Like moi. Only way to go.

  47. Stew J said:

    A wig for your pubic area is called a Merkin. Nothing new.

  48. Paul C said:

    Dame Edna Everage, Australia’s great contribution to gentility, ladylike decorum, good taste and impeccable dress sense!

    Evidently you are an American of culture and taste for knowing about the Dame of Moonee Ponds (Melbourne, NSW), and I salute you!

    On grey pubes. Men get worries too. Reference Scotland’s gift to comedy, Billy Connolly:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FECOPVDWu60

    • I can see you have superb taste as well, Paul! I LOVE Billy Connolly and Dame Edna! That clip of Billy pouring Grecian 2000 down his pants is hilarious! Thanks for sharing that!

    • Currently using a cowboy hat to cover the entire situation…