Sex in a Pan

So then…I cradle the kitchen phone between ear and shoulder so I can spoon the whipped cream into the cream cheese, as the store clerk says he’s not sure if he has the DVD movie of Reservoir Dogs in stock, so he’ll have to check in the back.

As I wait, I click on the mixer to blend the creamy mixture with sugar.

On hold for about a thousand minutes, then I hear a click. Disconnected.

Hang up. I continue making a luscious chocolate/cream-cheese/whipped-creamy dessert dish which David describes as so delicious it’s like “Sex in a Pan.”

Redial. Now a new store clerk tells me that she has to go look in the storeroom. David really loves this movie, so I’m hoping I can pick it up this afternoon for our Big Date Night. The kids both have sleepovers tonight, so after we attend David’s friend’s dinner party – for which I am making the Sex in the Pan dessert – I am hoping we can come home, watch the movie, then make some of our own Sex in a Pan.

Now smashing the pecans into the flour and butter mixture.

On hold for a million minutes, then I hear a click. Disconnected.

Argh! Redial. Now another new store clerk tells me HE will have to check in the back for the Reservoir Dogs movie. I hear Dave rattling around upstairs so I keep my voice low so he doesn’t hear me ordering his favorite movie.

“Be careful!” I warn the store clerk in a whisper. “Two of your co-workers have already gone back there, never to be seen again. It’s like a bad horror movie. Do you promise you’ll come back to the phone? I just need to know if you have the movie. It’s not on Netflix Streaming so I just want to buy the movie from you. Help me help you sell me something!”

He assures me he will be right back. I whip chocolate pudding and milk into a fluffy mixture.

On hold a billion minutes, then I hear a click. Disconnected.

Furious now. I put down the mixer, wash my hands, throw the flour/nut/butter crust into the oven, shove the chocolate/cream-cheese/whipped-creamy layers in the fridge, exit through the patio door and press redial on the portable.

Before the store clerk can even finish saying “Hello,” I immediately launch into a tirade.

“Look, do you have Reservoir Dogs or not? It’s a simple question! Why is it taking you so long to answer me?”

He says, “I’m sorry, what? You haven’t asked me anything.”

Me: “Yes, but I’ve asked everyone else there and they keep DISAPPEARING on me – and DISCONNECTING me! How incompetent are you people? Just TELL me – do you have Reservoir Dogs or not?!!!!”

Him: “I don’t know. I don’t think so.”

Me: “You don’t THINK so? Isn’t it your job to KNOW? You either have Reservoir Dogs or you don’t!! I NEED Reservoir Dogs. I keep ASKING for Reservoir Dogs. Seriously, what is wrong with you fucking people!!?? DO.YOU.HAVE.RESERVOIR.DOGS!!??!!

Him: “Well, um…we have some cats, but no dogs.”

Me: ???

It’s as this point that I realize this may not be a store clerk. I look at the phone’s screen which says “RON MEDINA” – Dave’s friend.

I hang up immediately. My heart is pounding.

I yell upstairs: “David, did you make a call from the upstairs phone a couple minutes ago?”

David yells back, “Yeah, I called Ron about bringing some wine tonight. Why?”

I respond with a cheery, “Oh, nothing.”

David immediately leans over the banister. “What have you done?”

Of course I try to wiggle out of it, but he breaks me with an accusatory glare.

I blurt: “You made a phone call in the middle of MY phone calls – so when I hit redial, I accidentally re-dialed your friend and screamed at him for not knowing if he has Reservoir Dogs or not! And he must be really old because he wasn’t even familiar with the movie title — so he thought I was some deranged woman talking about disappearing people and some strange breed of dog that I absolutely had to have!”

David laughs out loud. “So what happens when he meets you tonight and recognizes your voice as the crazy woman who attacked him on the phone?”

My eyes pop. How mortifying! I don’t want his friend to think I’m the sort of person who would be so rude and profane to harmless store clerks. Even though – clearly, I am.

All night at the party, I avoid Ron and use a faintly British accent whenever he speaks to me. I mumble a bit and add a slight stutter. David keeps grinning at me from across the room, silently mouthing the words, “Reservoir Dogs.”

I am so annoyed at him for relishing my discomfort — and so irritated by the store clerks who still have not returned from the storeroom with the Reservoir Dogs.

At my house tonight, no one is having Sex in a Pan.

(OK, out with it – confess an embarrassing mistake you made. Or share a story about phone calls, store clerks, parties, Reservoir Dogs, or Sex in a Pan! Love to read your Comments!)

— Darcy Perdu

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23 replies on “Sex in a Pan

  1. Andrew Hersey said:

    I once introduced myself to the same person everyday for a week. I still don’t remember meeting them, but have yet to meet them again.

    • That’s pretty funny — now I feel a little better about MY mistake! Thanks, Andrew!

    • Judy said:

      I liked Andrew’s story because I always just assume I’ve met people before and have no clue what their name is, yet for some reason I kept asking a new lady at work who she was instead of assuming I knew and forgot. Over and over again, she would patiently tell me her name was Glory. Finally she said “like Hallelujah.” Well, that clinched it, from then I called her ‘Hallelujah.’

  2. Ha ha so funny. I phoned my daughter thinking I was phoning my sister and I complained about my daugher to her! She has teased me for ages because I always do ditsy things.
    Vivian recently posted..Deviant DogsMy Profile

  3. Mary L. Waitt said:

    That one is a hoot!

  4. Katherine said:

    Darcy, you will love this one! I was dating this really hot firefighter. Yum. He and I were talking and cuddling – it was a wonderful evening. He tells me how the other firemen tease him and his partner about being “partners” if you know what I mean. The phone rings, he answers and I can tell it’s one of the guys at the station. He is being teased again about his partner, Al. So he hands me the phone, I put on the sexiest voice I can muster, and say “does this sound like Al?” WELL, my sexy hot fireman about dies laughing. Turns out the guy from the station, is HIS DAD AND…….THE CHIEF! So I wanted to crawl in a hole! Ugh…

    • I DO love this! That is hilarious! Your fireman sounds pretty funny too!

  5. Vicki said:

    Last week I was in the drive thru at Chik Fil-A. I drove up to order and they said “Thank you, we look forward to serving you”. Before I could even recognize the words coming out of my mouth, I said “Thank you, I look forward to eating you”. I thought I would die of embarrasment. I haven’t been back since. I’m pretty sure there is a picture of me in the back room with the caption: Beware – Crazy Lady.

  6. Cindy said:

    So, I have OnStar in my car; OnStar has a phone service (yes, my car has its own phone number). I get off the subway, get to my car, push the button and rattle off my boyfriend’s phone number (voice dialing). While it’s dialing, I’m fastening my seat belt, starting the car, just generally not paying attention. Man answers, “hey.” I respond with, “so, where are you?”(with a sort of snarky tone.) Man says “home.” ME: “Well I find that surprising; you’re usually in a bar by now” [still snarky – surprise!]. MAN: “Well, I was waiting to see what you–” [at which point I realize it is not my BF’s voice].

    I check the display and realize the “9” dialed as a “5”. OOPS. I interrupt, tell him I have a wrong number (one digit off), and apologize, and we continue to talk for about a minute. Both found it funny that he obviously thought it was his wife busting his chops. He asked if my BF’s name is Jim because he gets a lot of calls for “Jim” who apparently also has a number close to his, and then we laughed our butts of because my BF’s name is the same as his wife’s. (Yeah, he has one of those “it’s a girl’s name except when it isn’t” names, like Kelly, Tracy, Leslie.) Best wrong number for me, ever.

  7. Some 20 years ago, a roommate said I could scavenge his now-defunct Volvo for parts at the garage where it had gone to that Great Junkyard In the Sky.

    I happily accepted his offer, because my Dad had paid only $300 for my oxidized tank-green ’70 rustbucket when our wicked awesome brown Chevette had died and wasn’t worth resuscitating. I drove over to the garage, explained to the mechanic on duty, went out back and started manhandling with abandon, tearing out stuff I hoped was what I needed, mangling, ripping.

    I left with my bag of car innards, thanked the mechanic.

    Later after talking to my friend, I realized I had been at the wrong shop, defiling someone’s Volvo that was probably just in for an oil change. oopsie.

    I did feel really bad. but I was broke, younger and stupider, and let it ride. I still feel bad.
    Todd recently posted..I’m So Tanned, Buff and Rested…I Guess I’ll Clean The House NowMy Profile

    • Good Gravy! That is wild that no one stopped you on your automotive parts spree!

  8. Once I was in a store and there was a bag of candy hanging on one of the cloth rack thingy and I took some because I thought the shop people kept it there for holiday season. Turns out it belonged to a kid in the shop with his mom. A kid with Downs Syndrome! When I was leaving I saw the mom wildly rushing to her child.

    I accidentally stole a kid’s candy!!
    SHH!…Don’t tell anyone else :/
    Xae recently posted..An ApologyMy Profile

  9. Sara said:

    I was playing pool in college. I was putting the balls in the rack and a friend of mine walked by. I thought he took a ball off the table because one was missing from the rack. He had been messing with me all night and I was a little irritated with him about it. So, I followed him, not paying attention to where he was going. I loudly yelled, “Give it to me now!”. Then realized I had followed him into the men’s restroom. He turned around, baffled, then was like, “ummmmmm.” I quickly turned around and ran out of the bathroom. Everyone in the pool area was laughing and staring at me. Never before had I wanted to die as bad as I did in that moment.

  10. I work on the phone, AND have an attention span akin to a hyper active toddler. So I’ve had a lot of embarassing phone moments. Most recently:

    “Thank you for calling _______, how can YOU help ME?”

    and

    “Thank you for calling _______, how may I love you?” (I was texting my fiance at the exact same moment and spoke the words I intended to type. The rest of that conversation was highly awkward considering it was a perverse old man.)

  11. When I worked in the local hardware store, one of my jobs was to answer the phone, see what the person needed, then put them on hold and call out for the appropriate department over the PA system.

    Only one day I was a bit spaced out and forgot what I was doing, so instead of saying something like “Plumbing, line one” — I pause for a long moment then said, “Hello?” into the PA system that went out over the whole store. The guys who worked on the floor laughed at me for weeks.
    Alison recently posted..Tattoo youMy Profile

  12. About 7 years ago, I worked as a receptionist at a pediatric home health care center. One day my father-in-law (FIL) had called me and as I was talking to him, a doctor for one of the terminally ill kids called for one of the nurses. So I transfer him and get back to my FIL and I start saying something about what time I got off that day, etc, all before I realized I was still talking to the doctor and had transferred my FIL to the nurse! Oops! Thankfully the doctor had a good sense of humor and laughed about it! :)
    Jennifer recently posted..Sundae ScoopMy Profile

  13. I just found you thru God knows where and I LIKE!

    I remember the days where sex could be had in a pan of sweets and a movie with guns. Now, the pan has been replaced with the OK to partake of a fishing trip and a good nap. Guns are optional.
    Cheryl Nicholl recently posted..Taking ShelterMy Profile

  14. Heather said:

    I was having issues with the local utility company, called to complain, and ended up blissing out my then-boyfriend’s mother. Apparently she forgave me, since I’m now her daughter-in-law and we have a good relationship….

  15. For years I would wake my pre-teen son on school days by singing, screaming, playing his guitar wildly(I say playing his guitar wildly because I don’t play the guitar) and slamming books against the wall over his sleepy head.

    One morning I called his phone number from my phone. So then, when he answered I screamed, “Get your ass out of that bed!”

    This time I realized the voice was not a familiar voice to me and it said to me, “Who is this?” I’m usually not too quick mentally but on this particular morning I shaped up fast. I said, “Do you know who this is?” When he said, “No,” I said, “Good” and hung up.
    Ben Swilley recently posted..Too Slow for VertigoMy Profile

    • That is HILARIOUS! I love that you asked if the person knew who you were so you could ensure your gaffe was anonymous! Too funny!

  16. Dana said:

    OMG, that was hilarious!!

    • And embarrassing! But yes, very funny too! Now every time I hear someone mention that movie, I cringe with embarrassment!