Please Moms…Stop Working the Pole!

Please Mamas - Stop Working the Pole! (aka the Mother-Son Dance!) Can you BELIEVE these mamas? #funny #schooldance #Humor

So then…I smile when I open the colorful invitation to the Hawaiian Luau-themed Mother-Son Dance at the elementary school –

but I do a double-take when I see the large words at the bottom that say:

Please Moms – No Bikini Tops!

What the what?

I email Tina, one of the school moms organizing the dance:

Me: I love the invitation, Tina. But why does it say “Please Mom – No Bikini Tops?” I don’t even wear a bikini top in the privacy of my own home – why in the world would I wear one in public – – at a mother-son grade-school dance?

Tina: LOL! Believe it or not, some of the moms NEED that guideline. You missed last year’s Disco-themed dance when moms showed up dressed like hoochie mamas and danced like they were on the pole!

Me: Oh.My.God. They were dancing with their sons like that?

Tina: No, they were dancing with each other like that. They barely interacted with their kids at the dance. You know the moms I mean.

Yep, I DO know the moms she means.

On the night of the Hawaiian Luau-themed dance, I see lots of tight, low-cut tops and super-short skirts on those moms, but so far it looks like everyone followed Tina’s invitation request to avoid bikini tops.

But then, just as my son and I exit the dance floor to grab some cookies and punch, I see a mom shimmy through the crowd –

She’s wearing a bikini top OVER a black TURTLENECK sweater.

I shit you not.

I about spit out my punch I’m laughing so hard.

On the one hand, I’m glad Tina’s invitation reminded moms to try to keep it classy — and NOT tart up this grade school function.

On the other hand, I gotta give props to that chick for “stickin’ it to the Man” by refusing to adhere to the dress code – but ensuring she won’t get any flack for revealing too much skin.

That’s pretty damn funny.

Of course, a bikini-clad mom might be “smokin’ hot”…

But in a crowded, poorly-ventilated gym full of sweaty 5th grade boys and moms dancing full force — I can only imagine that a bikini-and-TURTLENECK-clad mom would merely be “hot as hell.”

But rock on, li’l mama, rock on.

— Darcy Perdu


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(Do you have any of “those” moms at your school? Would you ever wear a bikini top to a 5th grade dance? Any funny stories about school moms, dances, or bikinis? Do tell!)

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37 replies on “Please Moms…Stop Working the Pole!

  1. OMG, I love that she wore the bikini top over the turtleneck, that is hysterical. As always I leave your site happier than when I first came, thanks for always making me laugh!
    Kathy Radigan recently posted..Down the Rabbit Hole AgainMy Profile

  2. Paul said:

    Wow. What can I say? When I was in Grade 5, where were the Moms like that? Sheesh. Now I feel like I’ve missed an important part of my developmental structure. No wonder I’m a struggling adult – pieces missing from my beginning. Ha!

    Although I guess, somehow I’m not surprised, still the reality seems so cheap. I mean, afterall, a bikini top over a turtle neck without a bikini bottom over the slacks? How crass is that? What has fashion come to? What kind of an example is that for 5th graders?

    • LOL. Paul, you never cease to crack me up! Indeed – where the hell were her bikini bottoms over her pants? Ha!

    • Oh we have some very “special” moms over here in LA!! I think I will share some more stories about them, Norine! So funny!

  3. AinOakPark said:

    Yes!!! Love that woman! She has a sense of humor and probably wasn’t one of THOSE moms and she followed the SPIRIT of the rule, even if she didn’t follow the rule.

    Yes! They DO need to be told!

    My experience at the elementary level is the same. People on staff often comment that the school needs a parent’s dress code. After all, what do you say to a very brunette mother who shows up in nothing but very light weight cotton pants and a tank and everyone can tell she hasn’t been waxed in a while? What do you say to the tattooed father who wears a wife-beater tank that says “Cat – the other white meat”? What do you say to people after the mother (with very large implants) in a TUBE TOP has a “costume malfunction” during an awards assembly? Completely clueless. I feel sorry for the kids, or maybe they don’t even notice because it is “normal” for them…

    • Omigod! Those are hilarious! And I’ll bet that “wardrobe malfunction” wasn’t exactly accidental! Ha!

      • AinOakPark said:

        Well, it wasn’t her fault, exactly, except for the fact that she wore the tube top to begin with…her youngest, still a toddler, grabbed the top and unwittingly helped her flash the assembly.

    • Laura said:

      There should be a dress code for parents to an extent. The father’s tank top you referred to should not be worn to any type of anything to a school, but what’s wrong with tattoos? It’s art on someone’s skin. I guess I’ll be that mom at my son’s school functions that’s tastefully dressed, but might have some of my tattoos showing. Oh the horror!!

      • Don’t worry, Laura, I’ll crochet you a lovely cape to wear over them — it shall be a peach-and-teal-colored cape, featuring kittens frolicking with bunnies — and it shall be glorious!

        • AinOakPark said:

          Ah, it’s not so much the tattoos themselves, but what kind of things they sometimes portray (scantily dressed, huge breasted women bound to stakes with their feet burning, just to name one that was in full view at an event). My daughter has quite a few tattoos, and some of them show all the time, so I am okay with that (although it’s not for me). None of her tattoos are negative or frightening. Some tattoos are beautiful. You’ve heard of WWJD? One of the tattoo dads had the license plate WWSD. Just goes to show you how some people are. I am sure he thought it was funny and not insulting at all.

  4. William Kendall said:

    For the record, where were those moms when I was in school?

    • Making amateur pornos at home.
      (I’m just speculating, of course.)

    • That’s so funny! I could TOTALLY see you doing that, Parri!

  5. Our elementary school didn’t have dances but I imagine that a few of our mothers would have needed to be told. As for me, I wouldn’t want to scare the kids like that ;)
    Kat recently posted..Watch what you believe!My Profile

  6. LOL that’s horrible! What mom would actually wear shit like that? We need to set the example for the kids as to what a woman should dress like and a bikini at a kids function ain’t it. Lol. Great story Darcy! Have a great one -Iva
    AwesomelyOZ recently posted..GTFO: Riding the Theta WaveMy Profile

    • yep! apparently at the Disco-themed dance, some of the moms showed up lookin’ like Disco stripper! yikes!

  7. HAHAHA!! Love her attitude!

    Just last night, the fam went to a local, small-town festival.

    I’m not sure if I saw more teenagers with bootie shorts on or MOM’S with bootie shorts on.

    It was a sad sight. I swear it seemed like the mom’s were competing with the girls on getting looks. Pretty sad.

    There are some mom’s that seriously need to grow up.

    • Seriously! Some of the moms around here dress like attention-starved teenagers!

  8. What I want to know is, how come I never even heard about any mother son dances? Did my boys throw away the invitations and cut out any announcements in the newspaper? Uh-oh.

  9. Kristy said:

    My son is 4 and a girl at his preschool invited him to her b-day party that was at the YMCA. On the invite it said it was a gymnastics party, yet a couple moms showed up like they were ready to go dancing at a club. One had on glittery “hooker heels” and the other mom had on a shirt that looked like it was about 1/8 inch away from having a Janet Jackson style wardrobe malfunction. It was so awkward! I like to dress cute, and I love fashion, but I cannot imagine ever showing up in 5 inch glitter heels or a booby shirt to a 4 year olds gymnastics party!

    • LOL LOL And I have SEEN those types of moms at birthday parties here too! It’s hysterical! I love your description of the booby shirt! HA!

    • LOL! I seriously know SEVERAL moms who take pole-dancing classes — they say it’s a great work-out, just like spin class or pilates — (and I’m sure it’s quite entertaining for their husbands too) — (or their pool boys — whomever!)

      • AinOakPark said:

        Wow. Not all pole dancers are strippers. It is like dissing the cheerleaders, who are usually quite athletic. My brother went crazy when my daughter started pole dancing. (6’1″ and 140#) I told him that pole dancing is crazy hard, and when HE could compete, he should complain, and that he didn’t know it but I took belly dancing classes, but that didn’t mean I was going to be down at the Athens Tavern shaking my stuff for extra cash. To be honest, though, I did also tell him that he needn’t worry about her becoming a stripper because if that ever happened, I’d just go down there and KILL HER and that would put an end to all THAT!

        • LOL! “down at Athens Tavern shaking my stuff for extra cash!”

  10. Hi-larious! Honestly, I kind of love that woman for (1) wearing the bikini anyway and (2) bringing back the turtleneck.

    I know what you mean about “those moms.” Matt and I went out to dinner last night in a suburb that is very yuppy and filled with “those moms.” One of them was wearing shorts from the junior’s department that had frayed edges and had the pockets sticking out the bottoms. Yes, she had a nice body but she looked like shit with her tan and freckles everywhere. Her daughter had to be mortified.

    I’m not sure why some of these women are just dying to be young…or sluts…or both.
    Lisa Newlin recently posted..15 Reasons I’m A MomMy Profile

    • Eeek! The MOM was wearing the frayed edges shorts with pockets sticking out of the bottom? How embarrassing!
      I’d swaddle that mom in a big crocheted afghan!