Oh HELL No

Oh, HELL No! My Daughter's Hilarious Surprise #funny #bathtub #cast #brokenleg #parenting #kids #humor

So then…she puts her foot down – literally…and loudly.

Loudly because the foot is encased in a cast, thanks to the fracture Chloe sustained at her 6th Grade Field Day.

So now Chloe, age 11, is sitting on her bed, already two weeks into the cast — and I’m trying to explain that her little “bird baths” of patting her skin with damp washcloths are just not adequate, in the most polite terms possible.

“You stink, Chloe. You stink to High Heaven. You need to take a shower right now.”

“No! The plastic bags don’t cover the cast well enough. The water will still get inside my cast and then the skin will be all disgusting like that photo on the wall at the doctor’s office! Did you see that kid’s skin, Mom, did you?” Her voice becomes a little high-pitched and I can tell we’re headed for a meltdown.

“OK, Chloe, fine, no shower, but at least a bath.” I duck into the bathroom adjoining her room, push down the plug, and turn on the warm water. “You can just stick your left leg out of the bath and we’ll get the rest of your body covered in soapy water then rinse – and you’ll finally be clean.”

“No.”

“Whaddaya mean ‘no?’ Yes, yes, most definitely yes.” I say, grabbing soap and washcloths.

“No, Mom, that bathtub is filthy. Have you seen it? I’m not getting in there!”

I clench my teeth. The bathtub is not filthy, but Chloe has a slight OCD issue, so I pop into the bathroom a moment and return with a flourish. “OK, all clean. I just cleaned it! Now let’s get you in there.”

She folds her arms. “No, I’m not taking a bath. I.hate.baths.

It infuriates me when she takes such a stubborn stance – it’s so, so, so – like me.

WHY do you hate baths?”

“Because you’re dirty and then the water becomes dirty, so you’re lying there in your own filth!” she says.

I sigh. “Chloe, it won’t be filthy. We just need to get your body submerged in the water and soap you up then you can get out right away. Now come on.”

She begrudgingly trudges into the bathroom. I lower her in, the cast dangling out the side. I wash her hair, manage to get her all soaped up, and rinsed off – which are major feats of endurance on my behalf since she is squealing, complaining, and caterwauling the whole time.

She is terrified of getting the cast wet and apparently the only possible prevention is YELLING at me nonstop.

Finally, finally, she is ready to be pulled out of the bathtub.

She puts her other leg over the side of the tub to join the cast leg — her buttocks still submerged in the water. I grab a towel so that I can hold her hands and leverage her up and out of the bath without getting the cast wet.

“See, it wasn’t so bad,” I say. “You weren’t lying in your own filth. We got you nice and cle—“

“Errrr-Oh,” she utters, with a surprised look on her face.

I freeze. “What? What?”

“Warm water makes me have to—” She looks down, and there — spreading throughout the tub water is a golden liquid I can only describe as urine. URINE, PEOPLE!

It is all over her body — and because her hair is so long, the golden liquid is now swirling all through the hair that I just washed.

I give her a withering glare.

She gives me a giggle. Then a chortle and snort.
And before you know it, we’re laughing our asses off.

Yes, we have to drain the tub and start all over again to wash her hair and her body.

And yes, she prophetically predicted she would be lying in her own filth – and indeed she was.

But this time around, we’re laughing so much at nature’s little surprise that the washing goes pretty quick and easy.

In this latest Battle of Wills
Mother-Daughter: 0
Mother Nature: 1

— Darcy Perdu

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Original Illustration for So Then Stories by Mary Chowdbury

(Any examples of stubbornness from your kids? Any bathtub oopsies? If you agree that casts are the WORST, let me know!)

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23 replies on “Oh HELL No

  1. Stephanie R Awesome said:

    Let’s just say I wasn’t blessed with the gift of grace and do not ask HOW I injured my ankle but a boot was put on for support. At the age of 16, my Aunt had to come help me get bathed in my parents’ walk-in(ish) shower – there is a step that I couldn’t hobble over. Before even the water was turned on, I fell — while my aunt caught my fall, so did the shower door. But the floor was LUCKILY there to catch the GLASS shower door. Did I mention my parents just bought this expensive piece of glass that was etched beautifully and everything??

    Ten years later and they still have one shower door.

    • Yikes! Great story! Your parents must have been torn — hmmm, relief our injured daughter wasn’t injured further in the fall — or grief over the shattered glass door? Both!

  2. The Squire’s nephew came to spend the summer the year he turned fourteen. We had three daughters, so boys were a foreign lot to me, and this kid more than most. Right off the bat, he tells me we don’t have enough water pressure for a decent shower and, as your daughter claimed, you can’t get clean sitting in the same water your backside is in. I informed him that unless he had atrocious personal habits, there were fewer germs on his heinie than there were on his hands. “Get in there and wash up or I’ll come in and scrub you down myself.” This child also brought four pair of underpants, which he assured me was plenty for two weeks, and slept wrapped up in the bedspread to keep the sheets clean. I could recite a lot more to this litany, but The Squire ended up taking him home after a month. Did I mention he was a fourteen year old boy?

    • Ha! Priceless! 4 pairs of underpants for 2 weeks! I would have brought 28! And I can relate to your teen boy showering story. My own teen boy went through a stage where he would passionately DEBATE why he shouldn’t have to take a shower when I would remind him it was shower time — he would offer 87 reasons for a good 20 minutes when he could easily have been IN AND OUT of that shower FIVE TIMES in that period of time! I swear he practically had a Powerpoint presentation for all the creative reasons as to why he simply COULD.NOT.SHOWER.RIGHT.NOW. Of course, he grew out of that stage — and now he often showers TWICE a day. So um, maybe it all evens out in the end? Skip a day of showering, then shower twice the next day, now repeat? Argh! Who knows with those bizarre teen boys!?

  3. I have a sister who is 5 years younger than I am. When we were little, we would occasionally take baths together (faster for my parents, I guess.) When I was 6 or 7 and she was a toddler, we were in the tub together and she, well, pooped. I got semi-hysterical, because, come on!

    My dad got us out and cleaned out the tub. I refused to take a bath with her for many months. My parents kept telling me that it was a one-time thing, and pointed out that she had taken plenty of baths before and since with no issues. I finally relented, and you guessed it, she did it again. I’m pretty sure I never let her in the tub with me again.

    • Omigod, Alison, that is hysterical! And awful! And hysterical again! Perhaps your soothing presence in the tub had a relaxing effect on her! This is a very funny story and I hope you have brought it up at every family holiday since then!

      My sister torments me with the story of the time I begged to sleep in her bed cuz I had wet mine. Yep, you guessed it — I promptly wet hers too. Hey, when a girl’s gotta pee, a girl’s gotta pee!

      And in your sister’s case — poo!

  4. I’m with Chloe on this one. How was “bathing in your own filth” ever deemed an acceptable way of maintaining proper hygiene?

    I pray I never break a leg and have an ungodly fear of getting my cast wet.

    • Barbara said:

      Personally, I use the detachable shower-head to shampoo my butt length hair prior to filling the tub, so after all those suds run over me I don’t feel all that filthy. Then again, I didn’t feel that filthy in the first place!

  5. Jennifer said:

    My mother told me this story often, as I don’t remember it myself – probably blocked it — lol. When I was 6 or 7, I was rebelling against frequent showering and my mother told me to get in the shower or else (such an effective threat). A bit after I was done, my mother came to my room to check on me and asked if I had showered (not sure if this follow up was necessary most likely because I ran the water without getting into said shower). Anyway my reply to the question of showering was made in a loud and indignant tone: “YES and I even used soap!”

    • HA! Well, that’s one way to get you AND your clothes clean!

  6. The story was great, but I’m also amazed at the drawing. The drawings are always perfect. Are you writing “in real time?” How do you have time to have the drawings done?

    • I travel with an illustrator everywhere I go throughout my day — don’t you?
      Ha! I wish! That would be hilarious — everyone else takes photos on their Iphones, but I would have a sketch artist follow me everywhere to capture picturesque moments!

      On the FAQ page (http://www.sothenstories.com/faq), it mentions that the stories are all true — some happened recently and some happened previously. I’m lucky to know some terrific artists who are able to take my stick drawings and turn them into amazing illustrations. Thanks for noticing! I’ll tell the artist you like her work!

      • The illustrations are GREAT — Almost as funny as your posts!!

        • THANK YOU! I love working with these artists — and I love sharing your compliments with them! It makes them (and me) really happy!

  7. Judy said:

    I love the idea of traveling with an illustrator. Also, wondering if your daughter knows you posted this about her? It’s good you give her something to talk to her therapist about some day.

    • She and I share the same warped sense of humor, so she’s cool with me posting stories about her — and she LOVES the illustrations of her!

      I am really starting to think travelling with an illustrator is a fabulous idea because then I could tell the artist to sketch me younger, thinner, and prettier! I tell that to my camera all the time, but to no avail!

    • Chloe said:

      Yes I do know about the stories and I like them! (And trust me, I already have PLENTY to talk about in therapy!) Glad you enjoy the site!