So then…my neighbor sends me this photo she took of interlopers on my front lawn.
I respond, “How beautiful! We saw these deer the other night too. How cool that they come right up into my front yard!”
She emails me back: “Yes, they do look wonderfully magnificent, but the damage can be unbelievable. Our other neighbor and I lost all our roses out front 2 years ago from these beautiful animals. If they keep eating from your yard and destroy it, you can purchase coyote urine online – yes, coyote urine — and spray it over your plants to hopefully keep the deer at bay!”
I reply: “Seriously? Coyote urine sounds expensive. Can I just go pee on the plants myself?”
Meanwhile, I send the photo and emails to a couple of my other neighbors who respond with:
Friend 1: “As I scrolled down, I was hoping you had a photo of your urination in the act…”
Friend 2: “My neighbor said that she literally had her son pee on her lawn to try to scare away raccoons — but it only scared away other neighbors!!”
Friend 3: “How exactly does a company collect the coyote urine?”
Are there highly-trained rubber-suited urine collectors who get the coyotes so drunk on cheap beer that the coyotes willingly pee into plastic containers that are packaged and sold to nice suburban families with deer problems? “Come here, coyote. Pee into this cup. No, over here, coyote!”
If so, then my lawn would repel deer.
But wouldn’t it also attract a bunch of coyotes who would smell their brethren’s beer-scented urine? All the coyotes would be like: “Dude – Party House! This place stinks to high heaven – this must be THE place to go craaaazy! Call your cousins – everybody meet at this house tonight. We’re gonna get wiiiiiild!”
Then I’d have a coyote problem. And what kind of urine repels them? Werewolf? Vampire?
Is it even possible to collect urine from a werewolf or a vampire? Have you ever seen Edward or Jake pee? I’ve never once seen True Blood’s Eric or Bill Compton take a bathroom break.
And even if I could collect their pee (as in, “hey vampire, let’s do a bodily fluid swap – a quart of my blood for a quart of your urine”), then my yard would smell like vampire urine – so it would become the frat house for all the vampires to come party, strip, and urinate with abandon.
OK, wait a minute — that might not be so bad, actually.
At least the partying and stripping part.
OK, not sure how I transgressed from deer on my lawn to naked vampires – although to be fair, most of my thought processes do end up thinking about naked vampires – but anyway –
Slate.com says that Bill Graham of Leg Up Enterprises in Lovell, Maine believes he’s the predator-urine baron, claiming control of 90 percent of the U.S. market. He says he gets his pee in keg-party-sized barrels from 10 facilities he doesn’t want to say much about. Bill Graham explains that coyotes in zoos and on farms urinate into areas of their pens that drain into vats, which collect the urine that he packages and sells online.
But really – how do we know he goes to all that trouble?
Maybe Bill Graham himself is just an extremely prolific urinator.
— Darcy Perdu
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(Any wild animals visiting your yard or home? Any interesting remedies to repel them? Do YOU think about naked vampires?)