Mister, Please! Do NOT Put That in Your Mouth!

Mister, Please, Do NOT Put That in Your Mouth! #funny #shocking #embarrassing

So then…the doorbell rings and I freeze. He’s here. The exterminator — the pest control guy — the man who will either give me the “all clear” – or notify me that my home is infested with rodents, which will FREAK ME THE HELL OUT.

I open the door and start babbling before he can even introduce himself.

“Hi, I’m Darcy. Thanks for coming on short notice. Come in, come in. The kitchen’s right through here. I’m terrified of mice and rats and I’m in a panic that we may have them. We moved in recently and I don’t know, there are big palm trees out there with these dead bushy leaves coming down – and someone told me rats LIVE in those leaves, but now I think they’re coming into my house—” My voice goes up in a high-pitched note of hysteria.

The burly pest control guy in his dark green uniform asks, “Where do you think you have mice?”

I open the kitchen cabinet and make a disgusted face. I whisper, “I found mice poop IN my kitchen cabinet!!” I want to gag just thinking about how long mice have been skittering over the dishes and plates that WE EAT OFF OF!! (I’m so upset, I don’t even care that I ended my sentence with a preposition!)

The exterminator looks at the little brown mice poop pellets, then looks around the cabinets a bit. I’m standing to his side, ready to bolt the instant a furry little creature rears his hideous little head.

The pest control guy leans over the little poop pellets, sniffs, then puts his finger on a couple of them and PUTS THEM IN HIS MOUTH.

I repeat, HE PUTS THEM IN HIS MOUTH.

I am stunned. What kind of weirdo freaky exterminator is this? Who have I invited into my home? Maybe he just poses as an exterminator so he can eat mice feces! He will probably kill me now and boil my head for dinner!

“What are you doing?” I sputter.

“You don’t have mice,” he says, pointing to the poop pellets. “You have chocolate sprinkles.”

Oh, Good Lord.

I look closer. He’s right.

I had made cupcakes a while ago with chocolate sprinkles, but all the baking supplies are in the pantry. I don’t know how some of the sprinkles got into the dishes cabinet – but I’ve never been so happy to see a baking condiment in my life!

“So no mice?” I ask with unbridled joy.

“No mice,” he confirms.

I could have kissed him!

But I didn’t.

Because all I can think is — are there some houses where he tries that little test – and it’s not chocolate sprinkles?

— Darcy Perdu

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(Any interactions with strange service people? Ever embarrassed in front of a repairman or technician? Any good stories about critters? Do tell!)

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30 replies on “Mister, Please! Do NOT Put That in Your Mouth!

  1. LESLIE L said:

    I saw 1 mouse come out of the closet. I freaked. 2 weeks later, my husband told me there were 5 mice. I almost divorced him.

    I hate mice …..

    • Five mice? Uh uh. Five he saw. We had them nest under my stove. She pulled out fiberglass insulation and made a nest of it. Comfy? They were the tiny gray ones. But the one that got caught in the trap next to the stove was the large brown field mouse kind. I believe they have a communication network like ants. True the droppings are the first clue, but there is also a smell if you are near a nest. Twelve years in this house before it happened. Hope they stay away for another twelve.
      Virginia Llorca recently posted..Point of ViewMy Profile

  2. Lisa Stahl said:

    5 second rule…

  3. Laurie said:

    Reminds me of that scene in Caddyshack when Bill Murray is in the bottom of the drained pool and picks up the “poo”, takes a bite and it’s a snicker bar!

  4. Aunt Jerane & Uncle bill said:

    Years ago we had a cat named Saffron. One day I came home from work at dusk and noticed something on my dining room rug. I didn’t have my glasses on but went over and picked up the “Item”. It was a dead mouse the cat had found in the cellar. I screamed and tossed it up in the air, rushed into the bathroom and scoured my hands. The cat was insulted; she thought she was giving me a “gift”! Enough said, we put traps in the cellar.

  5. Got a big laugh before 9am. I’m off to a great day. Reminds me of a story years ago at a termite inspection of a house I sold for a client. My seller had their extermintor do the termite inspection. When the inspector came down from the attic and said they had termite pellets up there and the house had to be fumigated, I was in total disbelief! I called for a second opinion to the company I’d been using since 1987 when I started in the real estate business and who I totally trust. After meeting my inspector as he came down from the attic with a sample of what was there, he proceeded to show me in his hand dead termites and tiny wood chips painted blue. My seller’s house is painted olive green! — and my inspector confirmed these pellets were planted up there! I learned then that some termite inspectors work on commission and mine doesn’t. I saved my seller $2500 that day. The house didn’t have termites. I learned there are dishonest termite inspectors that day — and to this day, I still get second opinions if someone says there are termites.

  6. Hate mice as well…..Here’s our best story — we closed down the house for the winter (in Westhampton) and returned in the spring to find dog food pellets in EVERY room in the house….I mean they were in our beds, under the covers, in the bureau drawers. In every room in the house, upstairs and down. We could not figure out how this dog food got into every nook and cranny of the house….until the exterminator came in and we realized there had been an entire FAMILY of mice “wintering” in our home and they had CARRIED the dog food all over the house. They obviously ate well and were most likley disappointed to leave come spring!

    • Robin A. said:

      We store our off season shoes and boots in big cardboard boxes in the garage. After our first winter storm a couple of years ago, we brought the box inside so we could distribute the boots to the kids. Imagine our surprise when every pair of boots and shoes in that box had dog food pellets inside them. All summer, we had an industrious chipmunk storing the food from the ginormous bag we kept right outside the connecting door.

      And the only thing I could think as we dumped the dog food out… that poor chippy was going to starve now!

      • Charlene said:

        I once had to call in ‘late’ to a new job because I had a squirrel stuck in our fireplace. We were in a new house that didn’t have a chimney cap, and it fell down and survived the night. My cat was staring at the fireplace, so I shone a flashlight in there, and “Agh!!!” I jumped back, and had the brilliant idea to grab a pillow case to catch it. As if.

        I shut the cat in a bedroom, and had to chase that little bugger all over the house.

        It happened again 2 yrs later after the chimney cap blew off during a fierce storm, only this time I was pregnant. That’s when the chimney guy tried to give me L&D advice.

        • Charlene, that is so funny! I’m picturing you chasing a squirrel through your house! That’s hysterical!

          And I love that the chimney guy gave you labor and delivery advice! I once had a plumber who told me I should get more iron because too much of my hair was falling out and clogging the drain! I have no idea if his statement was based on medical fact, but I started taking iron pills because of him! :o)

  7. Steve J. said:

    So, we had rats in our attic. I set traps, then went through the entry in the ceiling to see results. There was a dead rat in one of the traps, so I went to pick up the trap. The rat, who wasn’t actually dead yet, flopped around. I bumped my head on the ceiling and let out a piercing yell, then climbed back down into the room to change my underwear.

  8. We lived in a housing tract that took over an avacado grove. One morning I pulled out the toaster which was in a bottom cupboad and a mouse came out with the toaster. After breakfast, I went out to put the wash in the dryer and when I opened the washer a mouse sprang at me. We had a few more mice in the house before we were free of them.

  9. Betty Tucker said:

    We lived in a housing tract that had fields on both sides in the middle of the California dessert. One of those fields stretched on for miles, the other seperated us from a grocery store and strip mall by about 3 blocks. It was convenient – but we still had our space. We never had any trouble with mice, maybe the occasional snake would be seen!
    Then a construction company started tearing up the field between us and the store. Apparently the mice had been living in little mice condos and mansions there for years and had built they’re own super society . They quickly ran our way and took over the neighborhood as evident by the screams and horror of my neighbors. EVERYone had them, except, thank gawd, US!
    But we also had a couple of indoor/outdoor cats who we figured were mopping up any other issues and keeping us safe?

    We had Christmas Eve dinner at our house that year. All the friends and family over. Everyone brought their children. It was a big to-do. We even rented a Santa from the local Parks and Recreation department for an amazing price. I was all dressed up in a low cut black velvety slip dress, when my three year old neice started to get a little fussy and my sister asked for some crackers to hold her over till dinner. So I went in the pantry. Reached all the way in the back to the box of crackers.
    Tipped it towards myself and reached my hand down inside to get the last sleeve of crackers….
    When a MOUSE came flying out of the box ! DOWN my dress! INTO my bra!!!
    I screamed at the top of my lungs-ripped my dress off-the mouse went running toward the CROWD now gathered at my kitchen entrance wanting to know why Mom/Sis/Aunt Betty has lost her freaking mind and is sobbing, half naked, on the kitchen floor…

    Merry Christmas….

    • Julie said:

      YIKES!! I only had one that dropped on my BARE FOOT! and I was outside changing the dog’s water at my brother’s house. Apparently the little guy was trying to get a drink when he had to hide from me. Scaird the bejesus outta me! And I am not really afraid of mice. Just unexpected

  10. Unfortunately I’ve had mice. And rats…which are like Godzilla mice. And then yesterday my husband squashed the world’s LARGEST cockroach I have ever seen in my entire life in our kitchen, so we are going to be eating out. Forever.
    Soooo wish I just had chocolate sprinkles!
    Christie recently posted..Where Did These Come From and What Do I Do With Them??My Profile

    • ha! “Godzilla mice!”

      And I’m up for eating out forever! Sign me up!

  11. barbara said:

    I had a friend who recently had a plumber walk in and say, “Is that sewer gas or are you cooking?”

    • I laughed out loud at that! I can’t believe he said that!

      It reminds me of my childhood. Whenever one of us 5 kids would start singing, my Mom would run to the room we were in and say, “Who’s hurt? Who’s in pain? Do you need the doctor?” She has a pretty warped sense of humor (like me).

  12. Paul said:

    That was a funny story about the chocolate sprinkles! The problem, as I see it, is how you would explain the exterminator bill to your other half – to diagnose a problem of chocolate sprinkles. That could easily haunt you for years: “Doing some baking today, dear? I’ll call the exterminator.”

    One morning I opened the office at work at 5:30 am. Our office was in the front section of our garage where the gas tankers were serviced. (We ran a gas/diesel transport company.) It was separated from the garage by a concrete firewall and a steel door, but even so, in the fall, mice would make their way into the office – trying to stay warm. We discovered that the mice loved Caramilk Bars, so we baited the mouse traps accordingly. This took care of most of the invaders, but the odd one would show up when least expected. This particular morning, I was working on the computer about 6 am when I heard an odd sound:” Scritch, scritch, scritch.” I was the only one in yet, so I looked around for the source of the sound: “Scritch, scritch, scritch.” Sure enough, there was a little mouse stuck in the bottom of the waste basket beside the desk. He looked up at me with the saddest look. No way could I do him any harm, yet I didn’t want him loose in the office either, so I placed a binder over the top of the garbage can and continued to work.

    A few minutes later, in walks the owner of the company on an unexpected visit. He had driven the 300 miles from head office the night before and was dropping by unannounced to see how we were doing. I greeted him and he went into the manager’s office to answer e-mails and make calls. About 7 am, a dispatcher arrived, so I decided to take a short break. I picked up the garbage can and headed to the door. The owner saw me going and followed me out. He asked; “What are you doing with the garbage can?” I answered; “Just putting out the morning mice.” No response. As I walked into the parking lot with the owner following behind, the manager pulled in and got out of his car. He looked at the owner, looked back at me: “What are you doing?” At that point, I tilted the garbage can, removed the binder and the little mouse jumped out and ran across the parking lot onto the lawn. Both men jumped. Having completed my morning mouse removal, I headed back into the office and left the bosses standing in the parking lot.

    • Love this! “Just putting out the morning mice…”
      And I love that both of the bosses JUMPED while you calmly went about your business!

  13. Julie said:

    Just as funny Darcy is the fact that I didn’t mention how attracted I am to the photo you attached. Those are some very nice lips!

    • My pest control guy wasn’t QUITE as good looking as the guy in the photo above. If he HAD been, I might’ve actually kissed him! :o)

  14. Lady Anne said:

    Both The Squire and I have always lived in the country, so mice, etc. are just part of the scenery. I’m not even afraid of snakes. He is so soft-hearted that he used to hang a rag over the cat food bin so the mice could crawl up and get out.

    If you put your hand down and are still the mouse will, as often as not, climb onboard for a ride out of the bin, but I once had one climb up the inside of my housecoat and end up sitting on my shoulder.

    However, I do NOT like ants. Any kind of ants. Period. Big ones, little ones. Hate ’em. One evening we came home from the grocery store and when we opened the cupboard to put away the groceries we were bombarded with big, black carpenter ants. You know, the ones that are about an inch long and wear combat boots? I started sliding boxes forward to push the ants onto the counter, and the girls took off their shoes and began smashing the ants as they fell. Suddenly, a HUGE ant landed on the counter and I grabbed one of the shoes and began flailing away. “Get it! Get it! It’s…It’s…it’s a raisin.”

    The Squire laughed so hard he slid down the fridge and ended up sitting on the floor, holding his sides.

    • Bwahaha! Smashing the “ant” raisin! So funny!
      Meanwhile, Lady Anne, you are made of much sturdier stock than I to be able to handle mice and snakes. I doff my cap to you in wild respect!

  15. Holy crap. That is hilarious Darcy. Once I was vacuuming and I had a stone and a couple of Legos in my hand that I’d picked up. When I was done, I put the Legos in the Lego bin and went to throw the stone away and that was when I noticed the stone had legs. I screamed and threw it. It hit the far wall and I never found it again. It was a BLOATED wood tick. I wonder if he would have tasted that?
    Millie Noe recently posted..A Sac Religious GardenerMy Profile

    • Ahhh! You had me at “the stone had legs!” EEEK!