My SECRET Accomplishment (Photograph-Forbidden)

Secret Accomplishment - No Photo Allowed

READ the story below — or click the Play button to HEAR it!

So then…I poop a Q.

An amazing, perfectly-shaped Q.

It is truly a remarkable thing to behold, but I cannot think of even one person that I can show.

It’s not exactly the type of thing that you can point out to a co-worker –

Like “Hey, Brenda, come look at the Q I pooped! Come quick! It’s an UPPER CASE Q!”

And probably not the type of thing to gather the family round for a group viewing —

Like, “Hey, kids, look what Mom just made!”

It’s one of those things I will have to keep to myself.

I consider taking a photo.

But I couldn’t text it to anyone. And I couldn’t post it.

And I certainly wouldn’t want the Costco photo guy to have to print it out –

or for some relative to stumble across it years from now in a faded photo album and say, “What the hell is this?”

Or DO I?

It is a pretty incredible accomplishment.

“That’s the time I pooped a Q!” I’d say proudly.

“No shit?” they’d say admiringly. And we’d have a good laugh at the unintended pun.

I check my exquisite sculpture and marvel again at its uncanny resemblance to the letter Q. I almost wonder if perhaps tomorrow I will produce another letter – and if, in fact, someone is trying to send me a message.

Since today is a Q, the rules of spelling would dictate that tomorrow’s letter would need to be a U, so I’m wondering what letters would come next. Over time, would I be spelling out Queen?

Quail?

or

Quick, Get Me Outta Here – I’m Trapped in Your Lower Intestine!

My God, that would take weeks to spell out. But you can be sure that I’ll be checking to see if such a message is forthcoming.

I’m not entirely sure when I first began examining my output. I know there was a time when I wouldn’t have given a thought to checking the bowl – just take care of business, wash hands, and out the door.

But at some point awhile back, I started the habit of a quick glance.

I’m not sure if it is curiosity – or a health check – or just that my daily life is so devoid of real accomplishment that my confidence needs the occasional boost from creating a successful bowel movement. Sort of a Defecation Celebration, if you will.

But oh today, I am quite proud. I’ve produced a perfect Q — and with no conscious effort!

This was not deliberate, I assure you. Don’t envision me intentionally leaning, rotating, gyrating to create this letter – this was all perfectly natural. And a delightful surprise!

And yet, there is no way to preserve my masterpiece. No bronzing. No shellacking.

A quick flush and it will be gone forever.

I can only write about the existence of it in this post – with no evidence to support my claim.

But I assure you, it is a perfect Q.

— Darcy Perdu

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(Comments: I had seriously considered not allowing comments on this post since I usually encourage you to post a RELATED story – and I’m not quite sure I can handle reading about YOUR poop, your KID’S poop, and your PET’S poop that resemble other letters, shapes, states, and celebrities. BUT…you were gracious enough to read about my Q – so bring it on – deluge me with stories of your funny feces! Keep it as clean as you can!)

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92 replies on “My SECRET Accomplishment (Photograph-Forbidden)

  1. I am DYING laughing!! Seriously, oh my God, this is HILARIOUS!! And ever since Dr. Oz told me it was supposed to be “s” shaped I check! ;)-Ashley

    • ha! maybe I should contact Dr. Oz so he can interpret my “Q”!
      I hope it means “Quite Healthy!”

  2. Judy said:

    Thanks for the awesome laugh. I almost called hubby over to see the perfect doughnut one of the kitties pooped. It was the right size and shape, uniform in size all away around. AND! It had kitty litter on it so it was like a DOUGHNUT WITH SPRINKLES! Yeah, I opted not to share it with him.

    • Thank you, Bev! This is the first time someone has complimented my poo — and I must say, I’ve very flattered. Thank you!

    • omigosh! I should have KNOWN the internet would have something like this! That is horrible and hilarious at the same time. I did note that out of all the “letters” posted, no one has posted a Q! So I guess I’m in a league of my own!

      as for your blue poo, due to Spiderman cake — that’s awesome!

      • LOL You shoulda taken that pic! Next time you’ll know.

        And yes, though sadly I was young and disinhibited enough to actually show my family. Poor things!
        Considerer recently posted..When the soul shivers in aweMy Profile

  3. Rose said:

    Our family inspects the bowl each time. I think this started when the doctors tell you to monitor your baby’s poop, so you start monitoring everyone’s poop. My husband and daughter would have great discussion about size, texture and resemblance to other objects when she was potty training. It’s what got her to go on the pot.

    • Ha! That’s actually a great potty training tip!

  4. I once pooped the entire Cyrillic alphabet, which is strange because I hadn’t eaten any Russian food!!

  5. I think you should stop being so secretive and ashamed about this. Poo is natural. And poo shaped like a upper case Q? That’s supernatural. It needs to go in your portfolio. Seriously – people who can poo complex letters of the alphabet have talent. And I’m a little ashamed that all my poo are “I”s…

    • Julie said:

      My daughter is nearly 23 and there are still occasions I have to go check what she did!

      • hahahaha I love this!! you’re a cool mom to do that!

  6. teejayeff said:

    Poop is transient, more or less, so celebrate it when it’s appropriate. In comparison, when our house was built and the pool installed (read on, this really is relevant) the installers clear out the tubes that bring in the cement and squirt out a small dump that looks like, well, a small dump. A foot wide and a foot tall, coiled up, sorta. Except the color is gray. We affectionately refer to it as “elephant poop” though it’s been years since I’ve seen that in-person. 15 years later and we still have it. I’ve threatened (promised?) to paint it an appropriate color, hang a few dead flies over it, and leave it near our front door with a sign “Beware of dog.” Maybe we’ll just bring it out on Halloween.

    • That’s awesome! I’d LOVE a lawn ornament shaped like grey elephant poo!

  7. Kat Caldwell said:

    I feel less a person now knowing I can’t shit a Q!

    But I love your posts!

    • Ha! That’s ok,we Q-poopers will still associate with you non-Q-poopers!

      • Kat Caldwell said:

        Thank goodness!!! I don’t think I could cope with the seclusion lol

  8. AinOakPark said:

    Well,I have to say that was SOME POST and the comments were almost as good!

    My little sister, doing a big job in the potty one of her first times ever, took a look and exclaimed, “HOLY COW!!” and that’s what we called it in our family after that. We’d say sh…stuff like, “I have to stop and holy cow.” Of course, for the rest of her life, my sister got any “holy cow” cards we could find because, with a little personalization, they were perfect.

    • that’s adorable and hilarious! I wish MY family had a pet name for our poo! I’ll get workin’ on that!

  9. And Darcy, officially, becomes a dude. LOL

    What in the hell bran cereal have you been eating, woman!?

  10. Laura said:

    You probably won’t believe me, but I read your post while I was on the toilet..you know, as a working mom it’s often the only me-time I get, so..anyways, I did check afterwards, but European toilets aren’t so revealing.. It all just goes down the pipe right away. I guess I’ll never know if I have any hidden talents like you do!

    • how appropriate that you read this post while producing your OWN potential alphabet! that’s classic!

    • Kaysee2009 said:

      You haven’t visited the right places in Germany. A major design aspect is the “poop shelf”. You can examine to your heart’s content. I kid you not.

      http://asecular.com/~scott/misc/toilet.htm

      Makes the “courtesy flush” near impossible though.

      • Ohhhh Myyyyy Godddd! That is absolutely hysterical! And horrifying! And hysterical again!
        Note to self: bring USA toilet whenever visiting Germany!

  11. The only way I can respond to this is by standing and giving you a well deserved slow clap standing O. This is beyond. Just beyond. I suppose congratulations are in order as well. You, my friend, are the pooper we all now must strive to be. ;)
    m.

    • why, thank you. thank you, stop, I’m blushing, please, really, sit down, thank you!
      (me literally beaming and grinning from ear to ear)

    • dammit, Phil, I SHOULD have taken a pic! But please trust me! I lie about a lot of things — my weight, my age, my salary, the year I lost my virginity — but NEVER my poo! I’m a poo-truth-teller!!

  12. Crystal said:

    I poop fun shapes all the time. And I call my best friend to share my fun shapes. A few days ago, I pooped at high speed. Alarmingly high speed. The shape? A dinosaur. We’ve determined that my bowels are a velociraptor rollercoaster.

    • That’s impressive! Based on the comments to this post, I’m thinking that publishing an artistic coffee table book is in order — and the photo of the velociraptor roller coaster would be a perfect cover shot!

  13. A perfect Q poop is quite an accomplishment. At our house it’s the corn poops that get rave reviews. But one of my pugs wins the trophy for eating a Kotex pad and pooping out a tampon!
    Menopausal Mother recently posted..If I Were A Rich ManMy Profile

    • Marcia, you’re hilarious! Love your pug line! Too funny!

  14. I just found your blog today, and oh my God I’m dying of laughter. I’ve only read four posts and I’m hooked! Congrats on the perfect Q ;)

    • Ha! And look — Scott didn’t even want to come see her “T”!
      We alphabet-poopers are so under-appreciated!

  15. Oh my god I love you. You have me over here laughing my ass off OUT LOUD. I pooped a glowing blue color once. I wasn’t even under the influence of anything either.
    MomChalant recently posted..Where Were You On 9/11?My Profile

    • Thanks!
      And now you’ve given me a new challenge — letters in GLOWING COLORS!

  16. OMG… I thought I was the only one who was sad that they could show a particularly strange looking poop to people!!! LOL

    • Kimberliah, we are kindred spirits! We need to photograph our masterpieces!

    • We may need to form a Secret Society of Bowl Checkers!

  17. You are my hero! This took big hairy balls to write, but I LOVE IT! haha! I’m new to your site, but catching up on all your fabulous posts. Oh, and yeah, VERY impressive to poop a letter. You have been chosen I believe. Not just anyone can do that. I bow down.
    Beth Teliho recently posted..Blogging Takes Big Hairy BallsMy Profile

    • ha! what is I AM the chosen one — but I have to poop the prophecy letter by letter? I can only imagine the strange kind of followers that my cult would attract…EEK!

  18. You are hilarious! You should have used some fancy photo effect and shared it with us like in a sepia tone or something. lol make it into art! Hey I’ve seen some pretty weird stuff being turned into art so I don’t see why a perfect “Q” poop should go unnoticed! lol

    • I love this idea! We could produce a whole book of similar “scul