My SECRET Accomplishment (Photograph-Forbidden)

Secret Accomplishment - No Photo Allowed

READ the story below — or click the Play button to HEAR it!

So then…I poop a Q.

An amazing, perfectly-shaped Q.

It is truly a remarkable thing to behold, but I cannot think of even one person that I can show.

It’s not exactly the type of thing that you can point out to a co-worker –

Like “Hey, Brenda, come look at the Q I pooped! Come quick! It’s an UPPER CASE Q!”

And probably not the type of thing to gather the family round for a group viewing —

Like, “Hey, kids, look what Mom just made!”

It’s one of those things I will have to keep to myself.

I consider taking a photo.

But I couldn’t text it to anyone. And I couldn’t post it.

And I certainly wouldn’t want the Costco photo guy to have to print it out –

or for some relative to stumble across it years from now in a faded photo album and say, “What the hell is this?”

Or DO I?

It is a pretty incredible accomplishment.

“That’s the time I pooped a Q!” I’d say proudly.

“No shit?” they’d say admiringly. And we’d have a good laugh at the unintended pun.

I check my exquisite sculpture and marvel again at its uncanny resemblance to the letter Q. I almost wonder if perhaps tomorrow I will produce another letter – and if, in fact, someone is trying to send me a message.

Since today is a Q, the rules of spelling would dictate that tomorrow’s letter would need to be a U, so I’m wondering what letters would come next. Over time, would I be spelling out Queen?

Quail?

or

Quick, Get Me Outta Here – I’m Trapped in Your Lower Intestine!

My God, that would take weeks to spell out. But you can be sure that I’ll be checking to see if such a message is forthcoming.

I’m not entirely sure when I first began examining my output. I know there was a time when I wouldn’t have given a thought to checking the bowl – just take care of business, wash hands, and out the door.

But at some point awhile back, I started the habit of a quick glance.

I’m not sure if it is curiosity – or a health check – or just that my daily life is so devoid of real accomplishment that my confidence needs the occasional boost from creating a successful bowel movement. Sort of a Defecation Celebration, if you will.

But oh today, I am quite proud. I’ve produced a perfect Q — and with no conscious effort!

This was not deliberate, I assure you. Don’t envision me intentionally leaning, rotating, gyrating to create this letter – this was all perfectly natural. And a delightful surprise!

And yet, there is no way to preserve my masterpiece. No bronzing. No shellacking.

A quick flush and it will be gone forever.

I can only write about the existence of it in this post – with no evidence to support my claim.

But I assure you, it is a perfect Q.

— Darcy Perdu

 to your Humor Board!

The cool kids subscribe right HERE so they don’t miss any of the FUNNY!

(Comments: I had seriously considered not allowing comments on this post since I usually encourage you to post a RELATED story – and I’m not quite sure I can handle reading about YOUR poop, your KID’S poop, and your PET’S poop that resemble other letters, shapes, states, and celebrities. BUT…you were gracious enough to read about my Q – so bring it on – deluge me with stories of your funny feces! Keep it as clean as you can!)

My Secret Accomplishment - Photography Forbidden P

If you smiled -- share it!
If you LAUGHED -- share it TWICE!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CommentLuv badge

92 replies on “My SECRET Accomplishment (Photograph-Forbidden)

  1. I am DYING laughing!! Seriously, oh my God, this is HILARIOUS!! And ever since Dr. Oz told me it was supposed to be “s” shaped I check! ;)-Ashley

    • ha! maybe I should contact Dr. Oz so he can interpret my “Q”!
      I hope it means “Quite Healthy!”

  2. Judy said:

    Thanks for the awesome laugh. I almost called hubby over to see the perfect doughnut one of the kitties pooped. It was the right size and shape, uniform in size all away around. AND! It had kitty litter on it so it was like a DOUGHNUT WITH SPRINKLES! Yeah, I opted not to share it with him.

    • Thank you, Bev! This is the first time someone has complimented my poo — and I must say, I’ve very flattered. Thank you!

    • omigosh! I should have KNOWN the internet would have something like this! That is horrible and hilarious at the same time. I did note that out of all the “letters” posted, no one has posted a Q! So I guess I’m in a league of my own!

      as for your blue poo, due to Spiderman cake — that’s awesome!

      • LOL You shoulda taken that pic! Next time you’ll know.

        And yes, though sadly I was young and disinhibited enough to actually show my family. Poor things!
        Considerer recently posted..When the soul shivers in aweMy Profile

  3. Rose said:

    Our family inspects the bowl each time. I think this started when the doctors tell you to monitor your baby’s poop, so you start monitoring everyone’s poop. My husband and daughter would have great discussion about size, texture and resemblance to other objects when she was potty training. It’s what got her to go on the pot.

    • Ha! That’s actually a great potty training tip!

  4. I once pooped the entire Cyrillic alphabet, which is strange because I hadn’t eaten any Russian food!!

  5. I think you should stop being so secretive and ashamed about this. Poo is natural. And poo shaped like a upper case Q? That’s supernatural. It needs to go in your portfolio. Seriously – people who can poo complex letters of the alphabet have talent. And I’m a little ashamed that all my poo are “I”s…

    • Julie said:

      My daughter is nearly 23 and there are still occasions I have to go check what she did!

      • hahahaha I love this!! you’re a cool mom to do that!

  6. teejayeff said:

    Poop is transient, more or less, so celebrate it when it’s appropriate. In comparison, when our house was built and the pool installed (read on, this really is relevant) the installers clear out the tubes that bring in the cement and squirt out a small dump that looks like, well, a small dump. A foot wide and a foot tall, coiled up, sorta. Except the color is gray. We affectionately refer to it as “elephant poop” though it’s been years since I’ve seen that in-person. 15 years later and we still have it. I’ve threatened (promised?) to paint it an appropriate color, hang a few dead flies over it, and leave it near our front door with a sign “Beware of dog.” Maybe we’ll just bring it out on Halloween.

    • That’s awesome! I’d LOVE a lawn ornament shaped like grey elephant poo!

  7. Kat Caldwell said:

    I feel less a person now knowing I can’t shit a Q!

    But I love your posts!

    • Ha! That’s ok,we Q-poopers will still associate with you non-Q-poopers!

      • Kat Caldwell said:

        Thank goodness!!! I don’t think I could cope with the seclusion lol

  8. AinOakPark said:

    Well,I have to say that was SOME POST and the comments were almost as good!

    My little sister, doing a big job in the potty one of her first times ever, took a look and exclaimed, “HOLY COW!!” and that’s what we called it in our family after that. We’d say sh…stuff like, “I have to stop and holy cow.” Of course, for the rest of her life, my sister got any “holy cow” cards we could find because, with a little personalization, they were perfect.

    • that’s adorable and hilarious! I wish MY family had a pet name for our poo! I’ll get workin’ on that!

  9. And Darcy, officially, becomes a dude. LOL

    What in the hell bran cereal have you been eating, woman!?

  10. Laura said:

    You probably won’t believe me, but I read your post while I was on the toilet..you know, as a working mom it’s often the only me-time I get, so..anyways, I did check afterwards, but European toilets aren’t so revealing.. It all just goes down the pipe right away. I guess I’ll never know if I have any hidden talents like you do!

    • how appropriate that you read this post while producing your OWN potential alphabet! that’s classic!

    • Kaysee2009 said:

      You haven’t visited the right places in Germany. A major design aspect is the “poop shelf”. You can examine to your heart’s content. I kid you not.

      http://asecular.com/~scott/misc/toilet.htm

      Makes the “courtesy flush” near impossible though.

      • Ohhhh Myyyyy Godddd! That is absolutely hysterical! And horrifying! And hysterical again!
        Note to self: bring USA toilet whenever visiting Germany!

  11. The only way I can respond to this is by standing and giving you a well deserved slow clap standing O. This is beyond. Just beyond. I suppose congratulations are in order as well. You, my friend, are the pooper we all now must strive to be. ;)
    m.

    • why, thank you. thank you, stop, I’m blushing, please, really, sit down, thank you!
      (me literally beaming and grinning from ear to ear)

    • dammit, Phil, I SHOULD have taken a pic! But please trust me! I lie about a lot of things — my weight, my age, my salary, the year I lost my virginity — but NEVER my poo! I’m a poo-truth-teller!!

  12. Crystal said:

    I poop fun shapes all the time. And I call my best friend to share my fun shapes. A few days ago, I pooped at high speed. Alarmingly high speed. The shape? A dinosaur. We’ve determined that my bowels are a velociraptor rollercoaster.

    • That’s impressive! Based on the comments to this post, I’m thinking that publishing an artistic coffee table book is in order — and the photo of the velociraptor roller coaster would be a perfect cover shot!

  13. A perfect Q poop is quite an accomplishment. At our house it’s the corn poops that get rave reviews. But one of my pugs wins the trophy for eating a Kotex pad and pooping out a tampon!
    Menopausal Mother recently posted..If I Were A Rich ManMy Profile

    • Marcia, you’re hilarious! Love your pug line! Too funny!

  14. I just found your blog today, and oh my God I’m dying of laughter. I’ve only read four posts and I’m hooked! Congrats on the perfect Q ;)

    • Ha! And look — Scott didn’t even want to come see her “T”!
      We alphabet-poopers are so under-appreciated!

  15. Oh my god I love you. You have me over here laughing my ass off OUT LOUD. I pooped a glowing blue color once. I wasn’t even under the influence of anything either.
    MomChalant recently posted..Where Were You On 9/11?My Profile

    • Thanks!
      And now you’ve given me a new challenge — letters in GLOWING COLORS!

  16. OMG… I thought I was the only one who was sad that they could show a particularly strange looking poop to people!!! LOL

    • Kimberliah, we are kindred spirits! We need to photograph our masterpieces!

    • We may need to form a Secret Society of Bowl Checkers!

  17. You are my hero! This took big hairy balls to write, but I LOVE IT! haha! I’m new to your site, but catching up on all your fabulous posts. Oh, and yeah, VERY impressive to poop a letter. You have been chosen I believe. Not just anyone can do that. I bow down.
    Beth Teliho recently posted..Blogging Takes Big Hairy BallsMy Profile

    • ha! what is I AM the chosen one — but I have to poop the prophecy letter by letter? I can only imagine the strange kind of followers that my cult would attract…EEK!

  18. You are hilarious! You should have used some fancy photo effect and shared it with us like in a sepia tone or something. lol make it into art! Hey I’ve seen some pretty weird stuff being turned into art so I don’t see why a perfect “Q” poop should go unnoticed! lol

    • I love this idea! We could produce a whole book of similar “sculptures” from other people — it could be gorgeous & glossy — very esoteric and avant garde — so stylish, you almost wouldn’t know you were looking at poo! I may just put out a casting call for…um…submissions!

  19. Doreen Meyer said:

    I love this post! Once my then 5-year-old son laid down such a ginormous poo that it broached the water and crept up the side of the bowl like a python that had just swallowed a baby musk ox. I immediately did the only thing I could do in the situation, and took a picture of it with my cell phone and sent it to my husband who just so happened to be in Paris. Even though it was 3:00 am Paris time, he immediately called me and congratulated me on my fine photography skills and expressed his pride that his son could produce such a prodigious doody…Now my son’s 20, but, ahhh–good times!

    • I’m laughing so hard, Doreen! “like a python that had just swallowed a baby musk ox!” And I LOVE that you photographed it and texted it to your hubby — and of COURSE he, being a male, LOVED it too — and probably proudly showed it to his co-workers the next day! That is hilarious!

  20. Holy shit this is funny! (See what I did there?)

    I don’t care what anyone says, pooping and poop-related discussions are funny. But, I do have to say thanks for NOT sharing a photo. That is one thing I do not want to see whether it’s your butt, your kids’ butt, your husband’s or a pet’s. Nuh uh.

    A friend of mine (okay, he’s my ex) and I used to joke about bowl-curling turds. You know, the kind that are ridiculously long and usually happen after being constipated or when you’ve been eating a LOT of fiber.

    And now I can’t believe I am leaving a comment about poop. Hmm…
    Kim recently posted..Rainbow in the Mojave DesertMy Profile

    • I DO see what you did there! Love it!

      And I agree with you — I’m a grown-ass woman with a job and kids and a mortgage — but I laugh myself silly over a good poop joke! :o)

    • bwhahaha! Angela, you crack me up! I am ENTHRALLED by your morse-code-pooping ability! You would be such an asset to the CIA behind enemy lines! I’m sending in an application for you right NOW!!

    • Thank you! I’m beaming over here! I may make myself a little award at the trophy shop! :o)

  21. Dare I share?

    I dare. This summer I pooped a perfectly shaped (and adequately sized) penis. Along with a perfectly placed “ball” on each side of the base. It was a delightful surprise that I’ve had to keep to myself. And yes, I did consider taking a photo but had the same predicament you mention above!

  22. Poop Is Funny said:

    One time when we were camping with my sister and her family, I pooped the biggest poop I’d ever seen. So I took a photo of it with my cellphone and texted it to my sister.
    In our family, Poop Is Funny.

    • I love that you have the type of family who can share these types of accomplishments! I want to be a cousin!

  23. When my son was still in the potty training days and using the little potty, he got so excited one day after he pooped. He ran out of the bathroom yelling “I pooped a J! Mommy, I pooped a J!” He told everyone he saw that day–including all the innocent shoppers in the grocery store. After that, he diligently checked his poop and looked at it like he was cloud watching to see what he could find. As it turned out, he also pooped a few trees, a volcano, and the letter I. I was pretty sure I was raising Poopcaso. He took his art very seriously.
    Real Life Parenting recently posted..Tales from a Middle School danceMy Profile

    • Bwhahaha! “Poopcaso” – I love it! Your son and I are kindred spirits!! And I love his enthusiasm for sharing his talent!! :o)

    • ha! thanks, Mike, love the idea of my writing making someone run screaming from the room! :o)

      • Frankie said:

        Hello Darcy, I stumbled in, lurked and now replying (all in that order). I can’t say that I pooped a significant life altering shape. But what I can tell you is that my turds once in while clog toilets. My husband gives me a standing ovation on this. But honestly I feel like it’s nothing to brag about or congratulate. I would rather poop a letter R.

        • good luck with the R! that’s challenging work!

  24. Paul said:

    I’m coming a bit late to this conversation – just perusing back posts, having arrived recently at your blog. I have to tell you, Darcy, that this particular post would put a big smile on the faces of a whole group of professionals I know. They would likely throw you and your readers a party if they could (given that your audience is spread from Alabama to Estonia, a party would be logistically difficult) – your “Q” would send them into peels of laughter and joy.

    I’m a colon cancer survivor and the medical professionals that worked so hard to keep me alive and treat the cancer are very special. It’s been 8 years now and all is well and I have a clean bill of health. Immediately post treatment, a great deal of excitement is generated with a good bowel movement or even a healthy fart. As a piece of medical trivia, most folks aren’t aware that whenever the colon is physically touched – like during an operation – it automatically shuts down and post-operation it takes days before it restarts (hesitantly). The suspense is palpable. As one nurse so succinctly put it: This is likely the only place in the world where a good fart will be greeted with a loud round of applause.

    I could only imagine their excitement at your and your readers’ artistic output. There would be a great deal of dancing and celebration – job well done! And for you to write about it and enjoy it is something in which those professionals would revel. I doubt their very important contribution to humanity could be better honored.

    • Ha! I love this idea, Paul! Maybe I can submit my story to the American Journal of Gastroenterology! :o)

      My friend told me when she went for her colonoscopy, she and the other patients couldn’t leave the post-procedure room until they had each had a satisfactory fart! She wasn’t even shy in front of strangers –she was so happy to toot!

      • Paul said:

        Don’t get me started! Having spent a chunk of my time conquering the cancer, and being someone who naturally looks at the humorous side of life, I have enough material on this topic alone to do a stand-up show. Ha! And I’ve seldom been able to use any of it as it doesn’t fit well into casual dinner conversation – “Some chocolate pudding for dessert, sir?” “Sure, thanks, and have I told you about my latest colonoscopy?” or “Wow, this spaghetti looks great! It reminds me, do you know how many feet of intestines are inside each person?”)

        So then…I was having a post-treatment follow-up colonoscopy. It was not my regular doctor – he was, instead, very egotistical, arrogant, and authoritarian. The nurse assisting was laid back and humorous. They allowed me to watch on the large color monitor during the procedure and I was fascinated. I was asking a lot of questions and the doctor was obviously getting impatient – imagine, all that stuff that had never seen the light of day, awesome! I had to stay fairly still or the picture from the probe would shake enough that it was unusable. The nurse was running the equipment attached to the probe and the doctor was directing the probe itself. He came to one particular area that he wanted to inspect closer and asked the nurse to squirt a stream of water at the site. It was pretty tense by that time but the nurse soon fixed that. Just as she triggered the water she shouted: “Fire in the hole!” Of course I cracked up, the picture went totally out of control, and the doctor was left standing there with a look on his face like he had just swallowed a lemon. The nurse wore a “shit-eating” grin (pardon the pun) like the cat that had just swallowed the canary. The end result was a clean bill of health and a smile shared with the nurse.

        • omigosh, I laughed out loud at that! And I LOVE people like that nurse — and you, too, for that matter — who are able to maintain their sense of humor in stressful times! I love that — “fire in the hole” too funny!

    • Ha! Thank you, Sandra! Now I really wish I HAD taken a photo! Maybe the BlogHer attendees would like to have seen it! Ha!

  25. Pingback: Blog posts I would like to promote - Indian American Mom

  26. SO, SO funny!! And now, with your VOTY win, you have immortalized that Q Poo!! You don’t need the shellacking, you have so many secondhand witnesses now! lol I do know how you feel about the accomplishment and wanting to share. Once when we were on tour, I produced a stool the size of my forearm. I know! Since I was in my 20s and hanging out with a band of crass 20somethings, I yelled to our violin player “Hey, come here! You’ve gotta see the size of this poop!” She came running and yes, a photo proof was secured. I don’t know where that photo is to this day, but I am in awe of your ability to spell it all out like Darcy! Q-mendous!
    Linda Roy – elleroy was here recently posted..Song Parody: It’s Not Mother’s DayMy Profile

    • Linda! You had my laughing at the image of your violin player running to see your specimen!
      If ONLY I had friends who’d appreciate a good poo viewing! HA!
      And you MUST try to find that photo! That’s hilarious that you snapped it for posterity!

  27. Pingback: 2014 BlogHer VOTY – The Selected Post And More! « Little Miss Wordy

  28. Karen said:

    When my daughter was about 6 months old she created a mini foot-shaped masterpiece in her diaper–complete with 5 perfect toes! I put it in a ziplock sandwich bag and popped it in the freezer to preserve for my husband’s amazement. Alas, he was not impressed, to say the least.

    • Bwahaha! I would have died laughing at her frozen foot poo! Your husband simply does not appreciate fine art!