My BIGGEST FEAR about Attending BlogHer…

My Biggest Fear About BlogHer
So then…panic grips me. It completely devours the excitement I’d been feeling about attending my first BlogHer conference with 5,000 other bloggers in Chicago later this week.

My BIGGEST FEAR about attending the conference reveals itself:

I’m not used to wearing a bra all day long.

At home, as soon as I get back from work, I pop off that constricting torture device and let the girls roam free in a stretchy comfortable camisole.

But at BlogHer, we’ll be going from workshops and sessions directly to dinners and parties.

Bras will probably be expected.

But right about 5:00 pm –

as I’m sitting in a sea of women all attentively focused on the pearls of wisdom dripping from the articulate mouths of the amazing BlogHer speakers –

I fear that my torso will begin to tingle –

my shoulders will begin to squirm –

and my lumps, my lumps, my lovely lady lumps, will yearn to be freed!

I will try to ignore them.

I will concentrate mightily on the speeches and readings and presentations.

But all the while, I’ll be distracted by my aching bosoms, longing to be unfettered.

After all, they’re accustomed to release — right about THIS time EVERY DAY.

I’ll itch. I’ll twitch. I’ll twist and turn.

My bra will compress more and more like a boa constrictor crushing its prey.

And I’m absolutely terrified that –

completely against my will –

my bra will spontaneously SNAP OFF and go flying through the air!

And my grateful breasts will sigh with exquisite relief as they plop into my lap where they belong.

And much like new mothers who uncontrollably begin lactating at the sound of someone else’s crying baby –

I fear that my 5,000 fellow female bloggers’ breasts will sense MY lady lumps’ liberty –

so THEIR bras will ALSO spontaneously SNAP off THEIR bodies and go flying through the conference room!

Snap! Boing! Blam! Ping! Whip! Pop!

Boobies will be bursting out EVERYWHERE!

A huge wild scene of cute breasts and bodacious ta-tas and funky tattoos and nipple rings waving free in the night:

RELEASE…THE…HOUNDS!

And the speaker on stage will see a kaleidoscope of thousands of black, red, white, purple, and pink constricting lingerie popping off the bodies of shocked and horrified women, who are absolutely humiliated that their formerly pert and perky boobies are now puddled on their dinner plates.

And everyone will look to me as the instigator –

either with revulsion

or wait, perhaps…

perhaps…

gratitude?

Will they grin with relief — and hail me as the Emancipator of the Bras That Bind?

Will they clap and cheer, letting their boobies breathe the sweet cool air of the unencumbered?

Will we break out the body paint and GO WILD like the women in my BOOBALICIOUS & HILARIOUS post?

No one knows for sure. But synchronize your watches for 5:00 pm Central Standard Time the first night of the conference – and let the games begin!

— Darcy Perdu

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(Do YOUR boobs begin to strain and push against your constricting bra at the end of the day too? Don’t you hate TIGHT things? I used to tell people the first thing I did when I got home from work was to take off my bra and my wedding ring. Then someone asked, “Your bra and your wedding ring? Whose home are you going to!?” If you’re attending BlogHer (or any type of conference) soon — what’s YOUR biggest fear?)

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23 replies on “My BIGGEST FEAR about Attending BlogHer…

  1. Judy said:

    Oh this story made me laugh with the visuals. I used to have so many problems with bras being uncomfortable until I went in for a custom fitting. It was more than just learning your size, but learning what cuts and styles worked for me. Now I say life is too short for uncomfortable bras, so as soon as one offends me, into the trash it goes. I’d be afraid to go braless in public though–it could scare the livestock.

  2. I was only presented with a virtually non-existent B cup so I guess they don’t feel too constricted because I only take my bra off to go to bed. It actually feels weird to not wear a bra o.O
    That’s quite a picture you put in my mind tight there…haha! I love it!
    Xae recently posted..The One Where I Went to a ConcertMy Profile

  3. What a terrifying mental image!! There could be anything from black eyes to compound fractures–just speaking for myself, of course!!

  4. Annnnnd I think that we have now officially ensured that whatever males are attending Blogher, they will be tracking you down to introduce themselves — during the dinner hour. :)

  5. KAte said:

    I will often not put one on in the morning out of being too lazy to get out of my pjs, but I’m not motivated to rip it off as soon as I get home. Of course I tend to be fairly active, so I appreciate the support while I bop around the house.
    KAte

  6. D-Marie said:

    You better watch out. Any male (or individual invested in seeing breasts) who reads your blog and attends BlogHer will be incredibly upset if everything doesn’t occur just as you orchestrated here.

    When I have to spend all day in a bra, I opt for a bra strap sports bra with cups. My personal favorite is the Switchback by Patagonia. It has a feature to give you all the support you want, but the cinch can be loosened for when you want things to feel loose.

  7. No matter what the occasion, I am wearing a sports bra. At this point, I would likely elect to wear a sports bra with a strapless dress.

    All thanks to that one night when my underwire popped out of the bra construct and cut me – fairly deep. While wearing a white blouse. And giving a speech. One of those surreal moments where everyone in attendance is polite enough to ignore the clear signs that all signs point to disaster here . . .

    • Yikes! Robyn, that DOES sound painful! And at a most inopportune time!

      Kudos for soldiering on, despite your bra’s murder attempt mid-speech!

  8. Ha ha Darcy, I do the same thing — the moment I am home the bra goes off. When only hubby is home, I don’t even bother going to the bedroom to take it off, so at times when we get unexpected visitors, I am trying to hide my bra.
    Vivian Pitschlitz recently posted..Tales from bedMy Profile

  9. barbara said:

    Last year, during record high temperatures for weeks on end, I wore only front-fastening bras so it could come off *in the car* for that extra ten minutes of relief on the drive home.

    • brilliant idea, Barbara!

      men frequently unbuckle their belts after a big meal —

      we women should be able to unfasten our bras on a hot day!

  10. BWAH HA HA HA! Would pay some serious money to see a room full of blogger bras flying through the air…something tells me that dad bloggers feel the same way! ;)-Ashley

    • Hooray for the “swingers!” — swinging in the breeze all day long!

  11. Keely said:

    It is so nice to have a fellow ‘boobie liberator’! I hate wearing bras, so as soon as I get home, I rush to the bathroom and take it off. Usually I wear a thick corduroy dress with a shirt underneath, so no-one notices, but on church outings, I wear a blouse and skirt, and so of course, I need to wear those annoying corsets!

    • Boobie Liberators Unite!
      (except at Church. bras definitely recommended for Church!)

  12. My friends and I laugh about this phenomenon. If we are talking on the phone as one of us arrives home, you can hear the Sigh O’Relief that is very distinctive to the girls being released from prison.

    I am well endowed so unfortunately a bra is an absolute must if anybody other than immediate family is around. I sometimes just hide on the sofa with a blanket if my son’s friends come over so I don’t have to reholster them.

    I did find a remarkably comfortable bra that has been a revelation! Some genius put extra padding all around the underwire so it isn’t digging into me all day. It is now the only bra I wear. (and because I know you all want to know what bra I wear… It’s Cushion Comfort Balconette Bra from Cacique)
    Bridge recently posted..everything is a pyramid scheme these daysMy Profile

    • Ha! I love your phrase, “so I don’t have to reholster them!” :o)