Murderers Trying to Break into My House

Funny - Murderers Trying to Break into My House
So then…I cock my head and freeze.

Is someone outside? Is someone OUTSIDE the house trying to get INSIDE?

My heart is pounding. I will my ears to hear…harder!

It’s not quite dark outside, but I’m a nervous wreck. My boyfriend has been out of town all week so I’m all by myself in this new rental house – and I’m managing to freak myself out at the slightest sound.

I’m a full-grown woman in my 20’s but sometimes I feel completely vulnerable when I’m alone too long. Especially if I’ve been watching too many scary movies.

I hear crunching noises, then steps. No one should be here! I’m literally frozen in the hallway.

Loud knocking at the door!

I peek out of the side window and I see two men!

NO WAY am I gonna open the door for two men when I’m all by myself.

I pretend I’m not home.

They loudly knock AGAIN!

How do they know I’m here?

I have to send them away! But I need an excuse why I won’t open the door.

The first thing that pops into my head is THIS, which I say in a high-pitched little girl voice:

“My Mom won’t let me open the door when she’s not home.”

WTF?

WHAT am I thinking?

If these are murderer-rapists, that is EXACTLY what they’re hoping to hear! Young girl? Check. Alone? Check. Parents not home? Check. Let’s do this.

My heart is beating so loudly – I’m in full panic mode.

THEN THE DOORKNOB TURNS!!

THEY ARE TRYING TO GET INSIDE THE HOUSE!!

I run to the back bedroom and lock the door. I grab the phone. I look for a weapon of some kind.

I strain to hear what’s going on outside. Nothing. All is quiet. They are obviously plotting to come back after dark to torture and murder me. I ain’t staying for that!

I run to the kitchen to grab a butcher knife, my keys, and the phone. I don’t see them outside so I make a mad dash to escape.

As I slam the door behind me, some papers fall to the ground…

religious papers…

Jehovah’s Witnesses literature…

that they had rubber-banded to my doorknob…

to help me find the right path to the Lord.

These men were not here to KILL me.

They were here to SAVE me.

***

Now I know what you’re thinking: “Don’t you feel pretty silly, Darcy?”

No. No, I don’t.

Because you know what, Jehovah’s Witnesses can be torture-murderers too. Whom am I to profile certain religious groups to assume that they AREN’T torture-murderers? Huh? That’s just discrimination, people. And I am no discriminator.

— Darcy Perdu

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50 replies on “Murderers Trying to Break into My House

  1. Judy said:

    They were totally murderer-rapists and litterers too apparently. You’re right not to discriminate. Instead of “my mommy’s not home” next time try: Busy cleaning the shotgun, come back later!

    I found my door ajar once and the cats sitting in the house looking quizzically at me. I walked all around the house, peering in the windows with the cats following along inside the house peering out at me. Except the door nothing seemed remiss and the cats were out in the open telling me no strangers were in the house but I did check everywhere even behind the shower curtain. The door was locked so I guess I didn’t close it firmly when I left. I’m impressed the cats stayed home.

    • ha! you’re right, they were litterers too!

      as for your door being ajar with the cats at home, but you couldn’t find an intruder — I think the cats ate him.

  2. That sounds less obsessive and paranoid than me. When I use to stay home alone I would HEAR THINGS! and I’d freak out and run outside… because of course whatever is there is INSIDE and can’t chase me outside… lol did I mention I lived in apartments and 99% of the time the noises were my upstairs neighbors walking….

    • ha! isn’t it amazing how we can freak ourselves out over the slightest thing? damn those upstairs neighbors for WALKING!

  3. Liddle-Oldman said:

    Of course you didn’t want to open the door. What if they had been clowns?

    • Laughed out loud when I read your comment!
      What a good point! I hadn’t even considered that! I may never open the door again!

      • AinOakPark said:

        Or, worse yet, clowns with BALLOONS!!

  4. OMG that’s priceless! I, too, am crazy-paranoid. Sigh. Isn’t it funny how worked up we get over noises when we’re in the house alone? Also, you’re right to not discriminate. It could have been a trick, after all!
    Kristi Campbell recently posted..Guest post, thankful, busy and playgroundsMy Profile

  5. O.M.G. I would’ve died!!!! This is one of the reasons we still live in a condo. I’m not sure I could handle the noises when my husband travels if we lived in a house!
    Dani Ryan recently posted..My husband’s ballsMy Profile

    • I hear ya, Dani! Travelling husbands are the worst for paranoia! One night about 11:00 pm, when my friend’s husband was travelling overseas, my friend heard this really warped slow snippet of “Old McDonald Had a Farm” — then silence — then “oooold McDooooooooooooonald haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad aaaaaaaaaaaa faaaaaaaaaaaa–” then silence — then “ooooooooon hiiiiiiiiiis faaaaaaaaaaaarm” — and so on. She searched her house high and low and couldn’t find where the noise was coming from. It stopped and started for hours! Her little kids were asleep and she was terrified — it was like a scary Chucky doll or pervert clown farmer was torturing her with this warbly dragged out singing. She barely slept all night, then the next day she found one of those little Fisher Price rolling toys in the backyard that had been rained on — and apparently the little auto-music chip would just start and stop randomly. I’m pretty sure she smashed the hell out of it.

      • Now, I’m writing a screenplay about a serial killer that stashes a bowie knife inside a year-old copy of The Watchtower.

        • Totally plausible! I would absolutely watch that movie!

  6. Oh, man. The tension here was great! Have you ever linked up with Yeah Write? (I honestly can’t remember if I saw you there or not.) You should! (yeahwrite.me) I loved this. We definitely shouldn’t discriminate. Also? I’ve let in the Jehovah’s Witnesses before, and it was a different kind of torture/murder to get them back outside. :)
    Kirsten Oliphant recently posted..Foosball in the World of MenMy Profile

    • Ha! yes, I imagine it WOULD be torture-murder to get them back outside again!

      Someone told me that if you ever want to keep the seat next to you empty on a train or a sit-where-you-want plane (i.e. Southwest Airlines) — when someone asks “is this seat taken?” – you should smile and say “only by the Lord, my friend, and we’d love to chat with you about your soul, so sit on down!” (They will leave skid marks as they run away.)

      Meanwhile, thanks for the tip on Yeah Write. I’ll check it out!

  7. I always get scared when I’m home alone and someone knocks on the door. I mean really, do men (heck, even a woman) seriously think that anyone is going to open the doors these days?

    And I agree, Jehovah’s witnesses can be murderers too. They might’ve even knocked off the real Jehovah’s just for the material!
    Suzanne Vince recently posted..Week 2 Post Mastectomy: Diagnosis & NecrosisMy Profile

    • oh.my.god! I hadn’t even THOUGHT of that! Absolutely — they could have torture-killed the REAL Jehovah’s Witnesses, donned their outfits, stolen their pamphlets — and BAM! they’re in business! A perfect disguise! I ain’t trustin’ NOBODY!

  8. Although I was not home either time, our house has been broken into twice. The second time, my girlfriend and I were only gone about a half an hour, which means somebody was watching the house. We live way the heck and gone out in the country, so watching this place isn’t easy.

    I understand – I really, really DO understand!
    Because it happened so quickly, I had a very difficult time forcing myself to leave the house. I would get dressed – stockings and heels! – and wander around the house, looking out the windows. The Squire would come home after work, and I still wouldn’t have walked out to the mailbox.

    • so glad you can empathize! we can really psych ourselves out, right?

  9. Cate said:

    I was with a couple of girlfriends and there was a sound on the front porch, at night, during the holidays. My friend said “shhh. I’ll get the gun” and she snuck up to the door only to find the UPS running back to his truck.
    We laugh about it still

    • love that idea! I should have said something like THAT instead of that lame line about my Mom not being home!

    • ha! tis the season for having your soul saved!

      • We have a very loud – and actually very friendly – pit bull/boxer mix. I also speak pretty good Cherokee, and when the JWs come to the house, I let the dog do most of the talking, and then I jabber on and on in Cherokee. The word for dog is “gi-li” and the word for food or eat is “he-ga”, so I throw those around, pointing to the dog, and then make biting motions with one hand on the opposite wrist.

        I figure if I try French or German, with my luck they’d speak it better than I do, but NOBODY knows Cherokee.
        Lady Anne recently posted..Back to WorkMy Profile

        • Ha! Great idea! “gi-li” and “he-ga” — got it! I’ll use those from now on!

    • Exactly! I’m an equal opportunity paranoid neurotic — I think EVERYONE is a potential torture-murderer!

  10. Lyn said:

    this really isn’t a “freak out” story, but … when my kids were little, they had a “sleep and snore Ernie” … you know, he’d yawn, and say “I’m so sleepy” and then he’d start quietly snoring. This toy lived at my mom’s house (she lived alone). She told me once that she heard some strange noises in the night sometimes and she had figured out it was Ernie, sleeping and snoring on his own, during the night, just out of the blue!!! It really didn’t bother her, though, just woke her up! Now That’s a creepy sound to wake up to!

    • your mom is so brave and nonchalant — I would have hunted that noise down and put that Ernie in permanent hibernation! :o)

  11. Oh those crazy Jehovah’s Witnesses! We would see them coming down the street and turn off the lights, shut the tv off, and hide until they went away! Listening to them drone on is like murder!
    Phil recently posted..Public Farting and Killer Fumes in NYC!My Profile

  12. Darcy, a few weeks ago my husband was out of town for work. My daughters were in the cottage and I was in the main house. The power suddenly went off. I looked out the window and I could see the street lights were on. I freaked out thinking thieves had cut out power from the outside box. My daughters called me and told me they could hear people in the backyard and my dogs were barking. I called the police. Turns out only a few houses were affected by the power cut as it was a cable that broke, that is why the street lights were on. As for the noises we heard, I think that was all imagination and my dogs were barking because I was panicked.
    Vivian Pitschlitz recently posted..Tinker and tailor and beggar man and thief.My Profile

    • Yikes, Vivian! That’s like the first scene in every horror movie — the power goes out! I would have been so scared.
      And by the way, dogs can sense your emotions — but they can also sense GHOSTS! So even though there were no PEOPLE in your backyard, there could have been GHOST torture-murderers back there! Proceed with caution!

    • Ha! William! You are going to the extra-toasty room in Hell for that one!

    • OH……….MY………GOD!!!

      Mary, this article is AMAZING!

      AND now it proves that maybe I’m not so paranoid afterall!!

  13. Melissa said:

    I must share this story, one time when I was like 16 or 17, I was getting ready to go to bed and it was like 11 o’clock. I crawled into bed and I thought I heard a knock at the door and I just thought “if someone is really at the door, they will knock again.” I didn’t hear anything else so I thought nothing of it. Then a few minutes later, I hear a man’s voice INSIDE my house!!! I could tell he was at the end of the hallway, then I hear him shout “Is anyone here?” I get out of bed and go to my bedroom door to hear anything else he says. I am so terrified by this point and have no idea what to do. Then I hear him shout “Sheriff’s department” then I think “ok I guess it’s safe to open my door” even though I’m still terrified and he’s shining his mag light down the hall, and he asks me if anyone else is there and all I could get out of my mouth was “Mom!!!!” and she came out and the sheriff asked what the address was. We told him and he said “oh wrong house, well, your front door was open” Our front door does blow open every once in awhile if it doesn’t get a little extra push when it gets closed. That was one of the most terrifying nights ever!

    • omigosh, Melissa, it’s midnight when I’m reading your story and everyone else is asleep — and I’m totally freaking out while I’m reading this! I would have been scared to death to hear some strange man’s voice INSIDE my house! I’m scared just READING about it! Thank goodness, it was a sheriff — a REAL sheriff!

      OK, I’m going to go triple check all my locks right now.

      • Melissa said:

        I’m sorry, I did’t mean to freak you out. I just thought I’d share:) Plus I didn’t think you would read it at midnight — lol

        And it’s funny you should mention “a REAL sheriff” cuz a long time after that I thought about it….it could have easily been someone pretending — ahhh that’s scary to think about but things don’t really happen like that in my tiny little town.

  14. Julie said:

    I too have a 16 or 17 yr old scare to share! My cousin was over, same age range, and we were alone in the house. It was winter and dark out and we knew no one was home when we came in, but in small town USA we don’t lock doors so… shortly after we got in, we heard what sounded like a step, or possibly something falling up stairs. After screaming, we decided to pretend to be asleep. They won’t hurt us if we are sleeping and can’t see em right?.. It continued, randomly. I called the police. The station was literally almost in my back yard. Then the knock on the door. A bunch of boys laughing and telling us how scared we sounded. They were throwing snowballs at the top on my house! We turned the laughing tables on them, when we told them the cops were on the way!

    • that is so funny! I love the logic that if you pretend to sleep then you’ll be ok!

  15. Nicole said:

    Hilarious and super goose-pimply story. I was 12 and my friend was 13. It was dark and we had all the lights off in her front room. We were choreographing a dance to Vanilla Ice “Ice, Ice, Baby”. Oops, I think I just revealed my real age lol. Anyway, in the midst of this Awesome 2 person dance party, this cloaked figure started floating down her dark hallway right towards us peering through his hood were 2 glowing red eyes. We screamed and ran to the couch and hid under a blanket. We were crying hysterically. Then her brother slides the kitchen door open, that separates the rest of the house, to ask what’s wrong. We peeked out of the blanket and the figure was gone. I still freak out thinking about that creepy night. *shivers*

    • Omigod! I got freaked out just READING that story! That is so spooky! Glad you guys made it through that!

  16. Clementina said:

    Oh my God I feel so much better. I am not the only paranoid person!

    Whenever I hear a noise and I’m alone I need to check all the doors, windows, and then I check all the rooms, closets, curtains, shower… As if someone would break in to HIDE in my curtains.

    When my boyfriend is here, he has to check all the doors, closets… He humours me. Otherwise I have crazy nightmares and he’s in for a bad night.

    Don’t you wish we were wired a different way? He never seems to freak out. Imagine living without irrational panic. What a bliss!

    • Yesssss! I poke the curtains every time I check into a hotel room because I know that’s where I would hide if I were a serial killer!