Helena Hann-Basquait is releasing a new book called Memoirs of a Dilettante, Volume Two, so check out her guest post below and her book links.
Countess Penelope and the Jedi Mind Trick
I walked in on Penny doing something I’ll bet she wishes I hadn’t seen. But still, we all do it, and there’s nothing to be ashamed of. There comes a time in everyone’s life when you just need to experiment, to see what your body can do, to learn what you’re capable of, and if you do indeed have mental powers.
Yes, darlings, the Countess Penelope of Arcadia (small little moisture farming community just east of Mos Eisley) was trying to use The Force to move her glass of wine to her hand. When I opened the door, she tried to act all cool, as if she were just stretching to reach it, but I caught her with her eyes closed, breathing calmly and legs crossed in a zen-like yoga fashion, hand outstretched and trembling slightly.
“What are you doing?” I asked with a knowing grin.
“Nothing,” Penny said, clumsily knocking over her wine glass. “Oh, now look what you’ve made me do. Dammit, Helena, that’s alcohol abuse!”
“Gee, I’m sorry, Darth Penelopecus. Looks like you maybe should have stayed in Dagobah and finished your training instead of running off to the Cloud City to try to rescue your friends.”
“Hey, you know what? Maybe that explains it,” Penny suggested.
“Bear with me, Helena,” Penny began.
“I always do, darling.”
“Kayso, if you could have Jedi powers, what would you do with them?”
“I already told you, darling – I don’t like those movies. And I especially don’t like the new episodes. I’d really rather not talk about it.”
Penny gave me a look that told me that we were going to talk about it.
“Fine,” I sighed in resignation. “Well, as far as Jedi powers go, I mean, you have to give me some guidelines. I mean, are we talking the original trilogy – the ability to move things with my mind if I concentrate enough, or are we talking the ridiculously powerful abilities of the Jedi from the prequels. In those movies, Yoda bounces around like a three year old on a sugar bender, and the Jedi practically fly. But in the original three, Luke Skywalker – supposedly a very powerful Jedi – at best leaps out of the carbon-freezing chamber. Now either George Lucas was just drunk on the power of new filming technology and just completely lost his mind, or else…”
“Or else we can only come to the conclusion that in the final analysis, Luke Skywalker was the worst Jedi the universe has ever seen. And why would that be?”
“I’m sure you are going to tell me,” I said, trying to keep a straight face.
“Because he didn’t finish his training!” Penny cried, and pointed to the door. “Now, if you please? I’m trying to concentrate.”
“Okay,” I said with a sly smile, “but I still say you’d have more luck trying to something-else-ate.”
“Wow,” the Countess replied. “Sounds like someone really needs-a-date.”
“I do,” I sighed. “I really do.”
I stood in the doorway for a moment, thinking.
“What are you still doing here?” Penny asked snarkily.
“Well, don’t you want your answer? What I’d do with Jedi powers?”
“Nope,” she replied, and waved her hand at me slowly. “You will bring me more wine now.”
“No,” I said, turning off her lights and leaving her in the dark and walking away. “No, I don’t think I will.”
“Helena!” She called after me. “Helena, turn the lights back on! I’m in the dark here!
“Hey, don’t be too proud of your technological terror, Helena! The ability to turn off the lights is insignificant compared to the power of The Force!”
I just laughed diabolically as I continued to walk away. I may not be a Jedi, but I’m the master of the mind trick. Weak-minded fools, beware.
Some people attribute the invention of the Ampersand to her, but she has never made that claim herself.
Last year, she published Memoirs of a Dilettante Volume One, and is about to release Volume Two, along with a Shakespearean style tragi-comedy, entitled Penelope, Countess of Arcadia.
Helena writes strange, dark fiction under the name Jessica B. Bell. VISCERA, a collection of strange tales, will be published by Sirens Call Publications later this year. Find more of her writing at http://www.helenahb.com or and http://www.whoisjessica.com Connect with her via Twitter @HHBasquiat , and keep up with her ever growing body of work at GOODREADS, or visit her AMAZON PAGE