Justin Bieber Forbids Me to Do WHAT?

Justin Bieber Forbids Me to Do WHAT?  #funny #Bieber #concert #music #humor

So then…we head to the bar to slake our thirst. And thanks to the brutal Vegas heat, we’re truly in need of genuine hydration – so we buy 4 bottles of water in addition to our drink order.

It’s a bit rowdy at the arena bar – this is, after all, a Lady Gaga concert, so the concessions are packed with all my new “friends” – cool, crazy, costumed characters that they are.

My sister and I are in the line of customers, where there is much jostling – and if we’re here much longer, probably some fondling as well.

Finally my sister orders — and I see the bartender bring over 4 bottles of water, unscrew each cap, TOSS THE CAPS IN THE TRASH, and shove the uncapped bottles toward my sister.

What the hell?

My sister is not pleased. And now she and I are trying to pick up the uncapped sloshing water bottles and figure out how to carry them — along with all our other snacks and accessories.

“Can’t we have the caps?” I ask.

The bartender says, “No.”

“Why not?”

“Because of Justin Bieber,” the bartender says.

What!? Justin Bieber doesn’t want me to have caps on my water? This isn’t even a Justin Bieber concert! It’s a Lady Gaga concert!

I look around for Justin. Is he here? Is he watching me? Have I proven myself untrustworthy with bottle caps in the past?

I rack my brain. What’s he worried about? I’m not 3! I’m not gonna swallow it! Oh sure, I occasionally suck on a pen cap – or dangle a paper clip from my lip, but I’m not gonna accidentally ingest a bottle cap!

Maybe there’s a special promotion where you can win cash and prizes by looking at the underside of your bottle cap — and Justin wants to keep all those chances for himself!

Well, that’s just stingy, Justin. YOU have buckets o’ money – and I could really USE a new washer/dryer.

Clumsily, my sister and I make our way through the throngs of concert-goers, spilling water as we waddle through.

“Why doesn’t Justin want us to have bottle caps?” I ask, raising my voice above the din.

“The bartender says it’s because someone threw a bottle of water at Justin at a concert – so from now on, they have to remove all bottle caps!” says my sister.

“Are you KIDDING me?”

“Nope,” she says. “I guess they figure if someone throws an uncapped bottle, the water will spill out before it reaches him.”

Omigod, is Justin in THAT much danger of projectile bottles that we now have a RULE about it?

Then I recall something in the news awhile back — and sure enough, I find the headline from a Brazil concert: Justin Bieber Hit by Water Bottle Thrown by Fan and Storms Off Stage

(The article says the bottle is “thrown by a fan” — but I’d THINK a fan would be more likely to throw some roses or panties onstage. What’s the thought process there? “I really dig this singer – let me pelt him with this pint of liquid!” or maybe “I REALLY love this singer – someone hand me a fire hose!”)

But Justin’s not even here. This is a LADY GAGA concert!

If someone lobbed a bottle at Gaga…

She’d just bat it away with her microphone!

> at Madison Square Garden on October 27, 2008 in New York City.

Or bounce it off her shell bra!

JustinBieber-Gagashellbra 427

Or just swallow it whole!

JustinBieber-GagaMouth 427

But not Bieber.

One fan throws one bottle – and now, no one at concerts can have a bottle cap!

This is why we can’t have nice things, Justin.

It’s like that damn wannabe shoe bomber. One guy tries to sneak a bomb in his footwear – and now millions of passengers have to take their shoes off in airports around the globe every day. And have you SEEN what’s on the airport floor? I don’t know that guy’s name, but I curse him every time I have to take my shoes off (even when I’m not at TSA).

I almost feel bad for the Biebs. Here he is, trying to maintain a rep as a hip, edgy musical artist – and now this is what he’s known for? Kinda hurts the street cred, don’t ya think? “I love fast cars, fast women – I’m a straight-up gangsta — and oh yeah, by the way, please don’t fling a water bottle at my noggin.”

JustinBieber-GoofyLook 427

It’s a bit embarrassing. Does he really want to be known as the Agent of Social Change for de-weaponizing liquid refreshments?

Back of the Bus? “No!” retorted Rosa Parks.
Mistreatment of migrant farm workers? “No!” shouted Cesar Chavez.
Bottle caps at concerts? “No!” cried Justin Bieber.

It’s also a bit unfair. Someone throws a bottle at Justin and bottle caps are banned. But when the Biebs lobs eggs at his neighbor’s house, are eggs banned? Noooo. Although that WOULD have been pretty hilarious! Can you imagine looking for eggs at your grocery store and the clerk says, “Sorry, no more eggs.” (looks around nervously, then whispers:) “Because of Justin Bieber.”

So I guess I won’t worry that the bottle-cap-brouhaha is damaging the reputation of the egg-throwing, car-speeding, mop-bucket-urinating Bieber –

And perhaps there are other performers who also prompted the bottle cap ban at arenas –

But as I struggle to ensure my bottle doesn’t capsize during the concert, soaking the patrons seated in front of me — I vow to smuggle bottle caps of various sizes into all future concerts.

Go ahead, Security — pat me down! No drugs, no booze, no firearms – just a few plastic bottle caps secretly stashed in my bodacious bra!

— Darcy Perdu

For 2 more funny true tales a week, pop your email address right HERE!

(Have you run into the Bottle Cap Ban? If YOU had the power to ban something, what would it be? Any odd rules you’ve encountered at work, school, or public places?)

RCOJ 429

THE RELUCTANT CAT OWNER’S JOURNAL

Cary Vaughn - Shirt Photo 380

Yep, that’s me, Darcy Perdu, rockin’ the awesome shirt for RCOJ (Reluctant Cat Owner’s Journal), the hilarious blog written by Cary Vaughn. Thank you, Cary, for your gift – yes, I DO look fabulous – and yes, I AM super skinny. Thanks for noticing.

If you’re not reading RCOJ yet, you should definitely check it out. Although Cary hated the idea of having animals in his house, he loves his animal-loving partner, so he agreed to take in a stray cat. Now they have five – count ‘em, FIVE – cats who rule the roost.

When Cary’s not creating hilarious and wholly impractical inventions to deal with the cats (i.e. Butt-Scooting and Cat-Feeding), he’s entertaining theatre-goers with his rendition of Sir Lancelot in Monty Python’s Spamalot — or a football player in Debbie Does Dallas: The Musical. (Yeah, you heard me – Debbie Does Dallas: The Musical.)

At RCOJ, Cary shares lots of funny adventures – but he also has a wonderful way of writing about ordinary everyday things that just cracks me up. He once wrote a whole blog post about watching a musical when he suddenly lost his Iphone between the seats that had me in stitches. You can also find him over at LeftyPop with some funny and thought-provoking posts.

Also — he’s the best damn lookin’ blogger on the internet.

Cary Vaughn - Handsome 429

And the goofiest.

Cary Vaughn - Goofy

I swear I didn’t beat Cary up for my RCOJ shirt. He gave it to me willingly. I swear!

Cary Vaugh - Beat Up (top of photo) 429

Go check out The Reluctant Cat Owner’s Journal.  Let him be your guilty pleasure!

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48 replies on “Justin Bieber Forbids Me to Do WHAT?

  1. Arionis said:

    LOL! You are getting a lot of material from this trip to Vegas. I think from now on when someone asks me why I can’t do something, I am just going to say “Because Justin Bieber.” I’m willing to bet that excuse will suffice for a big percentage of the ones that ask.

    • That’s hilarious! I’m gong to start using that excuse for everything too!
      Boss: Why didn’t you turn in your report? Me: Because Justin Bieber.
      My kids: Why can’t we go to Hawaii on vacation? Me: Because Justin Bieber.
      Justin Bieber is why we can’t have nice things!!

      • SophieS said:

        YES! I like this…
        Why did my dog puke on the carpet? Because Justin Beiber.

        “Justin Bieber is why we can’t have nice things!!” <- AWESOME I'm going to use this all the time!

        • Ha! Honestly, that phrase really DOES fit just about everything! ESPECIALLY dog puke!

  2. This is hands down my favorite post of yours (and I swear on Blind Murphy that it has nothing to do with that incredible write-up of my blog). Before long, I foresee Beiber performing on stage behind a barrier made of the same material they use for the pope-mobile.

    • Ha! “I swear on Blind Murphy” — love that expression! Happy to write about your blog on my website — you’re hilarious, Cary!

    • Julie said:

      I have become a fan on RCOJ thanks to you Darcy, and I agree, Cary is an incredible guy. I find that more often than not I have to snicker if not a full fledged LOL. Due to recent changes made on RCOJ I can no longer comment as there is a requirement to sign into wordpress, twitter or facebook. I do not belong to any of these things, but I do still enjoy reading his work.

    • It does seem a bit silly, right? The ban really surprised me — maybe he should have asked for some discreet nets to surround the stage so anything lobbed at him would be deflected!

  3. This is too much!!! I seriously cannot believe anyone is listening to Justin Bieber, and about this?? What? Has the world gone mad? Shouldn’t we just let Justin worry about not being such a douche that people don’t WANT to throw things at him? Seems like we’re just enabling him here. :-) I hope the Gaga concert was worth it!
    Allie recently posted..Get Your Learn On! An Exciting New Social Media PlatformMy Profile

    • Ha! You’re right, Allie, we ARE enabling Justin! So funny!
      And yes, the Gaga concert was awesome!

  4. Julie said:

    Damn Bieber.

    I will be checking him out Darcy — not Bieber, Cary. If you think he is funny, I trust your judgement, cause you girlfriend, are hysterical! :)

  5. If I were to throw something at that snivelling little pile of crap, it would be my fist. Now where to strike? Give him black eyes? Bust his nose? Knock out a few teeth?

    Is it obvious I really dislike the Biebs?

    I can rest assured that in a few years, he’ll be asking “you want fries with that?” while wondering where all his money went. His manager, meanwhile, will be lying on a beach earning twenty percent.
    William Kendall recently posted..A Giant Glass Wall With A ViewMy Profile

    • Right? The agents and managers DO seem to retain the spoils whereas many of the performers fritter it away!

  6. I’d be more than happy to remove my cap, place the bottle in the freezer, then throw the frozen bottle at his skull. I’ve been working on my mad water-bottle-as-brick throwing skillz too, so I should be able to peg him from 30 yards.
    Teri recently posted..Is knowledge really power?My Profile

    • Bwahaha! Teri, laughing out loud at your comment over here! And marveling at your ingenuity! You go, girl!

  7. Bill Mesker said:

    Sorry to say Darcy, Justin Bieber is a little stuck up dickweed who has a lot of money and can do what ever the hell he wants because he’s rich. Have you seen the stories of his escapades lately? He can probably get away with murder and not spend a single day in jail… just my honest opinion.

    • And it always seems the allegations of drug use and hot-rod racing are pinned on a “friend” rather than JB himself…

      • Judy P said:

        Isn’t that like little kids blaming things on their imaginary friends?!

        • Yes! But I have a feeling HIS friends are paid handsomely for taking the blame!

          • Bill Mesker said:

            Right! Just a bunch of bullshit if you ask me.

  8. Hysterical!!! I can’t believe that Beiber has ended the bottle cap in Vegas, man, that is power!! Lol!
    Kathy Radigan recently posted..All or NothingMy Profile

    • That IS power! Ha! If I had that kind of power, I’d ban shoe removal!

  9. Watch, next Bieber concert Justin will do all he can to clean up his reputation and HE’LL be the one throwing out to the audience bottle caps. Or, just like at airports, we’ll all be asked to take off our shoes before entering the arena. There will be large “shoe check in” stations. We’ll have to start bringing little fuzzy socks so as to avoid slipping on the spilled water and drinks. Then once the concert is done, since nothing goes as smoothly as it should, we will end up with mismatched shoes back home. But heck, at least you’ll have a bottle cap touched by the Bieber himself. It’s a win win for sure.

    • Mismatched shoes, filthy arena floors, and a Bieber-blessed bottle cap? Sign me up! Ha! :o)

  10. Paul said:

    So, ya like the Bieb, do ya? You see we Canadians were always complaining about Americans buying up our companies and taking our resources and forcing us to change our egg and milk marketing boards, etc. Finally we came up with a way to get even. We genetically engineered the Bieb as a weapon against the US. We grew him and then set him free in the US to annoy, insult, break laws, be disrespectful and childish and just generally keep caps off water bottles.

    We have more just like him almost ready to go – you ain’t seen nothin’ yet. We knew that our 2 tanks and 3 planes and 16 soldiers (15 if Frank is on vacation) were never going to beat your military, so we had to find a way to attack without using the force.

    You watch, the Bieb was just the start, we will soon have America on its knees begging us to help them and keep the Bieb and his test-tube mates behind our borders. We’ll get all kinds of trade concessions, special deals, and considerations.

    We will, we will Rock You! Bwahahaha!

    • OMG, Paul, dying laughing at your comment! I KNEW you were somehow to blame for this!
      Ya damn Canadians and yer genetically-engineered pop-star-weapons!

    • Unfortunately Paul, America had already done the same years ago but somehow they got loose on our own soil and we haven’t been able to control it since. You may remember them as the Brat pack or even the kid cast of Different Strokes. A true shame. So the Bieber has nothing on us. As the saying goes…back to the drawing board.

      • Yes, Elke, you’re right! Little does Paul know that we’ve been desperately trying to use our genetically-engineered celeb-weapons like Lohan and the Kardashians to infiltrate Canada, but no matter how many SHINY things we place at the border, our celeb-weapons won’t cross over! We need more bling!

        • Paul said:

          Ha! The immigration officers are trained so they won’t admit anyone who won’t say “please” – the magic word (’cause we’re polite here doncha know). And all the genetically engineered popstars are incapable of saying that. Ha! Our secret anti-secret weapon works! We call it “Star Wars”. Bwahaha! – we got the name from Reagan.

          • You diabolical (yet polite) bastards!

          • Julie said:

            OMG! excuse me, (see that? I could probably get into Canada) that whole exchange! So dang funny!!

  11. AinOakPark said:

    Well, I say that instead of “that’s what s/he said” jokes (which are SO lame) we should just do “That’s what Justin Bieber said” instead. It probably wouldn’t bother him, but it might make me feel better in the very most snarky and petty way. Yup. I’m like that.

    And, YES, Cary IS pretty hunky (although I can do without the palm tree pony tail look). Does that make him a better blogger?

    • Love it – now adding that to my list of phrases to toss out to unsuspecting listeners — “That’s what Justin Bieber said.”
      And yes, Cary IS a hottie — even WITH his occasional palm-tree-pony-tail! Ha!

    • Thanks, Roshni! Happy to be your Comedy Slayer! :o)

  12. Hah! Darcy! Your writing is so freaking funny. And here I thought the world was blaming everything that is wrong on Obama. I think you should let the folks at Fox News know that, NO WATER BOTTLE CAPS ALLOWED,is not the president’s fault. Not this time folks. This time it’s Bieber’s fault. “Thanks, Beiber.” Nah,they’ll blame Obama anyway.

    • Ha! You’re so right, Millie! We need to start a new trend: “Blame Bieber!”

  13. Actually, they have been doing this at many ballparks and stadiums for years. Yes, it’s a dumb rule. Bieber just makes it worse.

    Can’t we deport him back to Canada, eh?

    • Ha! Sounds like Canada has a “No Return” Policy!

  14. Just discovered your blog via Foxy Wine Pocket, and what a great post to start with. The Rosa Parks comparison cracked me up. I’m going to add you to my list of blogosphere idols.
    ACParent recently posted..Head on Over to Foxy Wine PocketMy Profile

    • Thanks! Just read YOUR post over at Foxy’s site — you’re hysterical! Thanks for visiting here too!

  15. Lady Anne said:

    You don’t mind if I get practical for a moment, do you?

    In Maryland we are ASKED to remove bottle caps before we recycle the plastic bottles We can put the caps in the recycling, too, but not together. When the bottles go through the mashing machines, the pressure builds up inside the bottles and the caps fly off. They are little, but flying at 100 mph or more, they can damage the inside of the machines – or the outsides of the workers.

    Nothing to do with The Biebs.

    • Good point — I heard about that too — and it does make sense to remove the caps before discarding them — but please let me have the caps when I’m still drinking from the bottle — I’m too prone to spills — I can’t hold my liquor OR my water! Ha!