Is This Tutor Messin’ with Me? Oh yes. Yes, he IS, that little…

Am I paranoid?  Or is this guy totally messin' with me?  #funny #tutor #homework #humor

So then…my son Tucker slips through the dining room door into the kitchen and whispers, “Mom, I think the tutor’s asleep.”

I look up from the crockpot and whisper, “What?”

We both tiptoe to the dining room door, ease it open a crack, and peer through to see the Biology tutor sitting at the table before an open book, chin on his chest, head down, eyes closed.

Tucker and I look at each other and suppress a giggle. We ease the door shut, then scurry to the opposite end of the kitchen to confer.

“What happened?” I ask.

“I dunno. He was kinda quiet so I looked over and he was sound asleep!”

“Did he just doze off in the middle of a sentence?”

“No, no, he was explaining something, then I started filling in the worksheet, and the next thing I knew – ‘’ (he mimes shutting his eyes and snoring, getting progressively louder and more dramatic with his snores)

“Stop that!” I say, laughing softly. “You’re gonna wake him up!”

“Well, shouldn’t he be awake if he’s going to help teach me Biology?”

Hmm, good point.

“OK,” I say. “I’ll go wake him up. You stay in here and pretend to get a snack or something. I don’t want to embarrass the guy!”

Tucker happily invades the pantry for a snack.

I ease open the door and clear my throat.

Nothing.

I don’t want to startle him. He’s a very nice man. He teaches science at a school in another district during the day – plus he and his wife have 3 kids, including a new baby — AND he tutors after school – so he’s probably exhausted.

And let’s face it, Biology is not exactly riveting.

If I were a Biology tutor, I’d fall asleep as soon as you opened the Biology book, much less if I had to discuss it!

In fact, I’d fall asleep as soon as you said the word, “Biolo— ” Zzzzzzzzz.
See? It just happened.

Now if I were a tutor on the “best TV series to binge-watch” – or the “relative composition of Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream Flavors by deliciousness of ingredients” – or the “statistical likelihood of Ryan Gosling’s car breaking down outside my house, in a rainstorm, and needing immediate medical attention and a warm bath” – I’d be WIDE AWAKE for the entire session!

So I certainly don’t blame the guy for falling asleep, but I should wake him.

So I cough.

Nothing.

I tiptoe out of the room, then walk back in, very loudly clicking my shoes on the floor. The tutor does not move.

Good God, I hope he’s not dead.

That’d be incredibly awkward.

I have delicious French Dip beef simmering in the crockpot, more homework to supervise, then a slew of shows on the DVR. Tonight’s schedule is not ideal for an untimely death in my dining room.

Next Thursday, sure. But tonight, no. Definitely not.

I approach the slumbering tutor so I can call his name, but then I realize I don’t KNOW his name!

That may sound odd since he’s been tutoring Tucker for about 6 sessions or so.

But he has a very thick accent and when he introduced himself, I thought he said his name was Farooq Malik.

But then the next time he came, I could swear he introduced himself to my friend as Marooq Falik. Or maybe it was Malik Farooq?

I’m terrible with names anyway, especially if the names could be interchangeable. If you tell me your name is Henry James, I’ll likely call you James half the time and Henry the other half!

Two of my friends both have a “v” in their names so I’m constantly calling them by each other’s names – and I’ve known them for years!

I once knew a Carla that I routinely called Sharon because oh-my-God-you-guys, she just seemed like a Sharon, you know?

So whenever I try to address the tutor, I hesitate, stumble, or mumble. I think he’s on to me.

Recently, I asked him something, and said, “Right, Malik?” and he corrected me by saying “Farooq.” And I could swear he’s corrected me the opposite way too. And he’ll smile mischievously, like he knows that I can’t keep his name straight.

So now I don’t know if I just have a bad memory –

or if he’s just Farooq-ing with me.

My son comes back in the room with chips and sits down.

I cough and say, “Mister…Malik? Farooq? Hello?”

He opens his eyes, shifts in his seat, glances at the book, then looks at Tucker and calmly says,

“And that’s the difference between prokaryote and eukaryote organisms.”

Wow. Didn’t even skip a beat.

Nicely played, Farooq.

Or Malik.

Or whatever the Farooq your name is!

— Darcy Perdu

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(Are you terrible at remembering names too? Any funny tutoring stories? IS he just messing with me? And should I serve strong black coffee whenever he tutors?)

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36 replies on “Is This Tutor Messin’ with Me? Oh yes. Yes, he IS, that little…

    • Ha! I could just imagine the coroner grilling me over this suspicious death in my home – and I’d be all like “Seriously, I had nothing to do with it! He was tutoring BIOLOGY! He died of BOREDOM!”

      (No offense to any biologists who happen to read this blog. I love YOU. Biology — not so much.) :)

  1. Hmmm this happens to me, but when I have it they call it a ‘complex partial seizure’ or an absence seizure.

    To be fair, I’ve fallen asleep a few times and then claimed I was having a seizure. Usually during training seminars about data protection and informa……. huh what? Hey! maybe I don’t have epilepsy at all, maybe I just get bored shitless easily!
    (in case that came out wrong, I am NEVER bored shitless reading your stuff, you make me howl with laughter quite often, for which I thank you, as does my boss who uses my laughter to tell when i’m not working)

    • So glad you enjoy my posts, Jamie. And I love that you use your “CPS” as an excuse when falling asleep in boring seminars! Classic!

      • I have moments of extreme awkwardness like that too — but cannot blame them on epilepsy — just my personality! Ha!

      • OOoh, that must be annoying… I just look like i’m daydreaming to anyone else.. from my point of view I’ve just blinked and everything moved.
        My partner sometimes thinks it’s amusing to move furniture whilst i’m away with the fairies. I’m usually not so amused by this..

  2. The whole time I’m reading this I’m thinking please don’t be dead. No one has time for the tutor to be dead. Especially because bored to death would then be a true thing and you would worry every time your child would cry but mom I’m bored to death….
    Kerri recently posted..Milestones met but notMy Profile

    • Ha! I love the way you phrase that, Kerri: “No one has time for the tutor to be dead.” Ain’t that the truth!

      I mean, I’d feel bad for the tutor, of course, but damn – ain’t nobody got time fo’ dat!

  3. Amanda said:

    “Next Thursday, sure. But tonight, no. Definitely not.” Ha ha ha!!!! I’ve felt the same, my husband is allergic to bees, they were swarming during my last half marathon. I just kept thinking don’t let him get stung, not today, I have to finish this run, I need that medal. I don’t have time to quit this race because he’s being carted off in an ambo from the sidelines.

    I love your topics that you would be good at tutoring. You are hilarious! Thanks for the laughs, love your posts! Glad I found you! (Not in a weird creepy way!)

    • Ha! I love that image of you running your half marathon, seeing the bees swarm your allergic husband, and just rolling your eyes, like “oh please!” Ha!
      And thanks for the compliment — I’m glad you found me too!

  4. Wow, you are a better person than I am. Could have been the #1 Youtube sensation. Drop a book on the table and see what happens. Did he ever come back to tutor?

    • Book dropping would have been a good idea! He did come back to tutor — very nice guy, just a little sleepy.

  5. Oh my God Darcy Perdu! You and your stories are so farooqing funny:) My brother once said he had to drop a philosophy class because his head kept hitting his desk. But as far as I know the teacher kept on talking.

    • Thank you, Millie Noe! :o)
      As for your brother, I don’t blame him! If I even SIGNED UP for a Philoso– Zzzzzzz See? I fell asleep just TYPING the word!

    • Yes, Don, the French Dip Beef WAS delicious! My chef made it from a recipe our chauffeur gave her. My personal masseuse said the beef was a bit dry for her taste, but my butler LOVED it! You’re welcome to come over anytime to sample it — just call my assistant’s assistant to arrange it.

    • Thank you, Parri! You made my day! I’m blushing!

    • It was amazing! I would have been so flustered in his position, but he handled it very casually!

  6. Paul said:

    Ha! That is hilarious Darcy. I liked Kerri’s comment – no one has time for him to be dead. Ha! I’m gonna use that, if I may – it’s a classic statement about our society. Have another anti-depressant – it’ll all be OK. Ha! Yep, he was bored to death.

    I gotta tell you this one Darcy – I too am poor at remembering names although I try very hard to memorize the names of those in my life. I had been a manager in transportation for years and decided to go back to driving as it paid at least as much with no after hours responsibilities. I was at a fuel distribution center in Toronto one hot summer night and there was a long line up for the loading racks and it was illegal to let your engine idle in line (you know, in case there were gas fumes or such floating around by mistake). So the drivers had all gathered together alongside the line-up having a gabfest. This is a good way to hear the best gossip and sometimes even useful info, so I got out to join in.

    A driver broke away and walked to meet me. He greeted me with “Hi Paul, how is it goin’?” Not recognizing him, I answered “Fine, how is it going with you?” He looked at me with a grin and said “You don’t remember me, do you? My name is Frank Johnston [name changed] and you fired me.” Whoops. The name still didn’t ring a bell. So I asked: “Was I right to fire you?” He responded: “Oh yeah, that was years ago when I was younger and foolish. You hired me at GT as a driver and after a number of warnings for being late and doing a poor job, you fired me after about 6 months. You did it very positively and you made me think. I changed after that.” Ha! I responded: “As long as I was right to fire you, it’s all good.”

    We chatted for about 10 minutes until he had to move his truck, and I never did remember him and still, to this day, have no clue who Frank is. Imagine hiring, working with for 6 months and then firing a driver and not even remembering him. Pretty bad, eh?

    • Wow! Now THAT’S a poor memory! You can’t even remember a guy you worked with and fired? Well, he obviously remembered YOU! And it sounds like you were a positive influence on him! So it’s all good. I guess it’s better than running into someone who says, “You don’t remember me? I was your first wife.” Ha!

      • Paul said:

        Hey Darcy, it wasn’t like he was sitting in my living room with my kid and I forgot his name. Bwahahaha! In all honestly it had been 15 years since I’d seen him and in the meantime I’d likely hired 150 drivers. I did take pride in knowing all my employees’ names and basic family circumstances when they worked for me.

        • Bwahaha! Touché, Paul, touché!
          And holy cow! 150 drivers? That’s a LOT of employees!

    • Right? Man, he was smooooth! He might have a lot of practice at that!

  7. Julie said:

    Steve. Definitely Steve. Or whatever name works for you Darcy. I have a great gift of naming people even if it is for my own amusement. I know of 2 BMM’s right off the top of my head. (Bushy Mustache Man) One I don’t know his real name – and the other? Yeah, I know his name, it is just hard to retrieve. Rick? Yeah, I think his name is Rick.

    I wonder if Steve was dreaming that he was still conducting his tutoring??

    • Ha! I hope he isn’t falling asleep during his day job as a teacher! Yikes!

  8. I swear I just pissed my pants. That is Farooq hilarious! I would have died, it would have been awful. Biology sucks, your poor son has to sit through it in school and then with a tutor…give him two snacks! Thanks for making my day!
    Rena McDaniel recently posted..THE BIRTH OF A CAREGIVERMy Profile

    • Ha! Yes, Biology is definitely a 2-snack subject!