Is My Coworker ACTUALLY a Robot? You Decide

I SWEAR This Guy in My Office is a Robot - Do You Agree? #funny #office #robot #humor

So then…Lou (our Finance VP), Henry (our Operations VP), and I approach the gate just in time to hear that our connecting flight home is delayed 30 minutes.

My face crumples in frustration.

Lou’s face twitches in aggravation.

Henry’s face is expressionless because he is a robot.

No, seriously, I have long suspected Henry is not actually human. Always punctual. Never goofs around. Follows all the rules. Never shows emotion. Always approaches problems logically.

Totally serious and buttoned-up. I’m pretty sure he has an Iphone app to schedule his poops.

When the Sales & Marketing crew and I are hootin’ and hollerin’ and carryin’ on, Henry steadfastly ignores us and quietly does his work.

When Lou’s Finance team is stressin’ and sweatin’ over the budget numbers, Henry methodically completes his tasks.

When the salty sailors among us spout profanity at missed shipments or demanding clients, Henry piously looks away to continue his duties.

When we take a longer lunch to celebrate a huge purchase order, Henry remains in his office, writing another Policy & Procedure (most likely regarding maximum time allowed for celebratory lunch breaks.)

He is robot or he is Vulcan. I swear by it.

So now the 3 of us have 30 minutes to indulge in WHATEVER WE WANT — so we quickly scatter, agreeing to meet back at a central table in the food court.

After 2 boring days at the corporate conference and several hours on the first flight, I know what I’m craving – but I can’t locate any hot pilots in an empty travel lounge –

So I settle for second best – the ice cream kiosk. Come to mama, you sweet, creamy bowl of devilish deliciousness!

I plop down at the table with my over-the-top hot fudge sundae just as Finance Lou approaches with his little luxury – a stiff drink. A double, no less!

As I inhale my sugary carbs and Lou savors his liquor, I can only imagine what constitutes a “guilty pleasure” for Henry.

And here he comes, with a roast beef sandwich with lettuce on whole wheat bread.

Well, of course.

He chooses something nutritious and appropriate.

He is a robot.

Just as I’m laughing to myself about our choices, Henry reaches down into his briefcase and pulls out…a small bottle of HOT SAUCE!

(He travels with his own bottle of HOT SAUCE?)

He slathers the spicy sauce all over his sandwich, takes a huge bite and beams — hot sauce dribbling down his chain.

Ahhh, Henry, you’ve restored my faith in your humanity.

Perhaps you are not a robot after all!

— Darcy Perdu

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(OK, quick, you’ve got 30 extra minutes at the airport – what do you do? Massage kiosk? Those weird oxygen bars? Book/magazine? Favorite food or alcohol? Horny flight attendant? Do tell!)

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42 replies on “Is My Coworker ACTUALLY a Robot? You Decide

  1. Maybe you should have attempted to do the first thing you wanted to do with your spare 30 minutes… with Henry! It would’ve killed two birds with one stone so to speak, it definitely would have provoked an emotional reaction from Henry and ‘scratched your itch’.
    Too crass?

    • Bwahaha! Oh Jamie, I fell on the FLOOR laughing at that! Nope. Nope. Nope.

      • :D It’s good that I can return the entertainment you provide in some small measure!

    • Ha! Right? He might sing karaoke in ladies’ loungewear every Friday night, for all I know!

    • Yep, this happened before the liquids ban at the airports! Poor Henry – not sure how he handles his cravings now!

  2. Lee A Lewis said:

    I am surprised he was able to get the hot sauce through security, I keep bottles of it at home, in the office, and in my car (I have somewhere in the neighborhood of 50 different types) but have never dared to face the wrath of TSA.

    • Another hot sauce fan!
      This actually occurred prior to the liquids ban at the airports; perhaps Henry now has to use spicy dry spices instead!

      • Lee A Lewis said:

        I can just see it, “No really officer that bag of powder is just spices for my food”

        • Bwahahah! Good point! They might confiscate your paprika!

  3. He sounds like a lot of fun. Is it a no for sure on the pointy ears? I hate to say it, but hot sauce, spicy as it may be, is usually very healthy. So, Henry is still a dweeb.

    • Right? I went through a Diet Root Beer phase awhile back, so I actually snuck it in to the movies and even a restaurant! Gasp! Renegade!

  4. We all have our secrets, now don’t we? ;) But traveling with coworkers is always weird and you always find out things you probably didn’t want to find out. But hey…at least you could expense the sundae, right? ;)

    • Oh yes, have definitely learned WAY more than I’ve EVER wanted to about my coworkers over the years of travelling together! Ha!

  5. Henry is a clever robot. The hot sauce was actually advanced machine oil disguised as hot sauce. He’s probably the same model that I work with but don’t have the courage to name.

    • Oh, I know EXACTLY who you mean. Don’t worry, I’ll contact your coworker for you and share your suspicions.

  6. I totally buy a trashy book that I wouldn’t be caught dead reading in “real life”. In fact bought one at an airport just last week. Now it has to hide in my bedroom until I finish it.
    Cassandra recently posted..Ebola: The MusicalMy Profile

    • Oh, HELL yeah! So funny! Love that you hide it!

    • Robot voice: “I concur with your logic. You are correct. This DOES compute.”

    • Ha! “I guess ice cream is an OK choice…”
      You’re funny, Don!
      I didn’t know you worked for Busch! I worked for the parent company of Miller Brewing Co! I worked in NYC but my buddies in the Milwaukee office for Miller told me they got a free case of beer each month AND the warehouse served free beer at lunch!

  7. Paul said:

    Ha! Too funny Darcy – carrying hot sauce in his briefcase. I’d likely get a bite to eat and a coffee and read while I waited.

    I had a team member that travelled to China with our team who seemed like Henry. She was a petite French woman from the Gaspe, a very rural part of Quebec. She was an accountant for the federal government and everything had a place and everything had to be in its place. There was no gray in life – only black and white. She was anal when we travelled and made sure we all stayed in line. Ha! It was like having a chaperone. So, the first night when we get back to our hotel in Beijing, we discover that they have one floor that is for Westerners only to party – our own bar and entertainment and all English speaking hostesses. (And horrendous prices, but whatever.) And we drank and partied most of the night (this was after the Red Stars story http://cordeliasmomstill.com/2014/09/04/red-stars-guest-post-by-paul-curran/ where we caused a mini-riot) and this young woman drank the rest of us under the table . I’ve never seen anyone drink like that – she was amazing.

    The next day she was back to being a government accountant.

    Fun post, Darcy. Thanks!

    • That’s so funny the uptight chick was the ultimate partier! Ha!

  8. Thanks for all the laughs! I wanted to tell you that I enjoy your writing and that I’ve nominated you for the One Lovely Blog award. It’s my hope that you’ll continue to entertain us all for a long time and also that you’ll pass this award along to other bloggers whose writing you enjoy. If you’re not already familiar with One Lovely Blog, you can find out more at http://www.andbythatimean.com/#!One-Lovely-Blog-Plus-fifteen-more/cmbz/16B98C61-7713-41E6-87F2-60115FD0FB6F.

    • Thanks, Barbara! Thanks for listing me on your blog with so many funny, cool writers.
      And PS, your blog name cracks me up: “And by that I mean vagina” — ha!

  9. Always gotta watch out for those stiff and elusive types. haha

  10. When I used to travel for work, gays like me would chat with other gays on the Grindr app. Always fun chatting with cute guys…..sigh….I think I’m missing being young and cute. Ha.

  11. “I’m pretty sure he has an Iphone app to schedule his poops.”–hahahahah wait, maybe that’s not a bad idea….

    I kind of want to try one of the oxygen bars. I have no idea what they’re about, but I’m curious! Have you ever been to one? I’m definitely not doing a massage. I’m freaked out by humans touching me in front of other people. I can get and enjoy a massage at a salon’s private room, but not in an airport or mall. I don’t know why it bothers me so much.

    So stuck in an airport I would do two things: Starbucks and book shop. My two loves. :)

    • Book shop — yessss! That’s a little slice of Heaven right there.
      I’m weirded out by the oxygen bars — but I have been tempted by those massage kiosks. I’d find it freaky for people to see me do it, so I’d need to wear a mask or something. Yep, a mask and a cape. That would help.