Inappropriate Holiday Party Behavior

Christmas 2013So then…I bound off to celebrate the holidays with eggnog copious amounts of wine, chestnuts s’mores roasting over an open fire, cherubic children surly teens, and a big fat man with a white beard (oh, wait, that’s me).  To entertain you while I’m gone, I’m posting this true story you may have missed when I originally posted it.  Happy Merry Jolly, y’all!
Larceny at the Christmas Party
Larceny at the Christmas Party

So then…she offers me a tray of hors d’oeuvres – little warm puff pastries of cheesy-mushroom goodness. I pop a puff and say, “Wow – what a great Christmas party, Angie. Your home is so beautifully decorated — and the food is delicious!”

It’s a genuine “grown-up” holiday party with Christmas carols playing in the background while we enjoy a dinner buffet, eggnog, and decorated Christmas cookies.

(I’m in my 20’s — so most of the parties I attend are just booze-soaked excuses for people to hook up – the biggest nod to the Christmas spirit might be stacking the red Solo cups next to the green Heineken bottles.)

Angie smiles and says, “Thank you. I’m so glad you guys could make it! I’ve heard a lot about you from Matt.”

She points to her husband Matt who’s at the bar with my boyfriend, so we wave.

Then Carla and Ed, the couple who drove with us to the party, join us in the living room.

Angie juggles her tray to give them a one-armed hug since they’ve known each other from back in New York.

Carla says, “Angie, the decorations are great! And this tree is amazing!”

We turn to gaze at the beautiful Christmas ornaments tucked into the branches amongst the twinkly lights. It really is gorgeous.

We all chat a bit, then Angie says she needs to return to the kitchen for more appetizers.

As soon as her back is turned, Ed plucks a snowman ornament from the tree and slips it in his pocket!

Just then Angie turns back around to ask if we want more wine. I’m so surprised, I can’t speak but Ed casually says, “No thanks, we’re good.”

When Angie turns her back again, Ed pulls out the snowman and tosses it to Carla who scoops it up and slips it into her purse!

I look to the left and look to the right – but the other partygoers haven’t seen the ornament hurtling through the air, so they just keep right on talking, laughing, and drinking.

I don’t know Carla and Ed very well, but I’m the only witness, so I feel compelled to hiss, “What the hell?”

Ed says nonchalantly, “Oh, it’s a tradition.”

Carla nods.

I say, “What’s a tradition? Stealing an ornament is a tradition?”

Carla says, “Yeah. We do it at every Christmas party we attend.”

I furrow my brow. “Are you serious? You steal ornaments at every Christmas party you attend?”

Ed says, “Just one ornament.”

Carla shoots Ed a look like I’m the crazy one. “Yeah, just one ornament per party. Jeesh, Darcy.”

I sputter, “But, but, but…isn’t that wrong?”

My Catholic school-trained brain is about to overload. A) This is stealing. And B) This is stealing a decoration celebrating Jesus’ birthday! And C) THIS IS STEALING!

Carla waves her hand dismissively. “Oh, they’ll never miss it. Look how many ornaments they have! It’s just one little one.”

Oh My God, I’m pretty sure this is the same rationalization for heinous crimes perpetrated against humanity the world over.

“But what if it’s a special one – or they realize it’s missing?” I ask.

Ed says, “By the time people put their decorations away, they can’t remember every ornament.”

Carla concurs. “And besides, we never take a special one – like something personalized – like Baby’s First Christmas with the date on it — or like a touristy one from a vacation spot or something.”

Ed chimes in, “And we don’t take ones that look antique. We just take normal stuff like elves, Santas, angels, candy canes, penguins—”

Carla laughs, “Penguins! Oh my God, we have tons of penguins!”

Ed nods, sips his beer, and chuckles – “Tons of penguins!”

“What do you do with the ornaments?” I ask.

“Oh, we take them home and put them on our tree. We have quite a collection. Some really cool stuff. We’ve been doing this for years,” he says.

“Yeah,” says Carla, looking at Ed fondly. “Ever since we started dating.”

He smiles back at her. In their minds, this is simply a sweet little holiday tradition that they share.

To me, it borders on sacrilege! Their Christmas tree is laden with the profit of their sins! They’ve plundered the goodwill of their friends and neighbors to beautify their own home!

I ask, “But what happens when some of those people come to your house for a Christmas party? Won’t they see their ornaments on your tree and recognize them?!”

They look at me with bewilderment.

“Oh, we’d never have a party at our house,” says Carla.

“Yeah,” says Ed. “Someone might steal something.”

— Darcy Perdu

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(Unlike Carla and Ed’s sacrilegious thievery — MY holiday traditions include cookies and milk for Santa who writes only in BLOCK letters and opening one gift on Christmas Eve. What are some of YOUR Christmas traditions or funny holiday memories? Ever witnessed any larceny or questionable behavior around the holidays?  Share them in the Comments Section!)

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22 replies on “Inappropriate Holiday Party Behavior

  1. Bwahahahahaha! That is hysterical. I’m a rule follower kind of person so my reaction would have been exactly like yours!! I would have died! I loved that they thought YOU were the crazy one!! Hahahahahaha!! Merry Christmas, Darcy!! –Lisa

    • Ha – “Fast pass to hell!” You’re damn right!

  2. Alie said:

    Oh my. And I thought I was bad by taking a wine glass from each vineyard on my birthday wine tour!
    Wow. That does sound bad once written down. It was only four vineyards. And I’m quite sure they plan for that contingency.
    I’m justifying.
    I’m on the fast track to hell too.
    Hell, I’m driving the bus.
    I better stock up on wine for everyone.

    • LOL! Yes, stock up on that wine, you hell-raiser, you! :o)

  3. william kendall said:

    oh dear god…. yes, that is precisely the kind of world view that leads to human rights violations….

  4. W T F is really happening out in the crazy place I call my planet. Earth to humanity, get a grip or else.. I’ve done something of the same and still, struggle with my actions, I should be in prison, I am no better than a criminal, I need therapy Asap after this, haha. God Speed to one and all over the wide world. Merry Christmas, Happy New Year

  5. Renee said:

    ..makes mental note…don’t ever invite Carla and Ed over for a Christmas party…HAHAHA

    new fan here. I have spent hours reading your stories and laughing! love reading all the comments too. You have great friends!

    • thanks, Renee, your comment made my day! so glad you’re enjoying the stories — and the hilarious comments from the readers — they make me laugh all the time!

  6. Oh. My. Word! When you intro’d with ‘Man in a white beard (oh wait, that’s me)’, I thought “Good GRIEF that weed in her ladygarden took over quickly!”

    However, OH the moral outrage! Shocking really, that people like this a)exist and b)are so clueless!
    Considerer recently posted..GamechangerMy Profile

    • exactly! I was a bit nervous to invite these people to my place after that — no telling if they also have a “bra & panties tradition!”

  7. Lady Anne said:

    Not exactly a Christmas story, but when our granddaughter got married is June, she and Eldest Daughter haunted every thrift shop in the tri-state area, looking for odd (as in different) dinner plates for the reception, so every guest had a different one. (Makes it easy to remember if you go back for seconds, if nothing else.) Apparently, this is becoming a tradition in Maryland and surrounding areas. So – one plate looked very much as if it had come from a set Eldest had inherited from my mom. “Oh, no. She wouldn’t use any from the house, in case some one took one as a souvenir.” And several people did, believe it or not.

    In my wildest dreams it would not occur to me to take a plate – from a wedding reception, or a restaurant, or anyplace else! Yeesh!

    And to steal from your hostess at a Christmas party is beyond low. I hope you never invited those bozos to your house.

    • They took souvenir plates? Didn’t know that was an option! :o) At future parties, I’m going to start taking souvenir jewelry! Ha!

  8. Given my flexible views on morality and loose social mores, I never thought I’d be so horrified with someone else’s behavior. If he’d grabbed the hostess’s ass, I would have laughed uproariously, but decorating your tree with stolen ornaments!? Sacrebleu!
    Megly Mc recently posted..2013…You’ve Been A Sweet, Sultry Tart Of A YearMy Profile

    • ha! “grabbing the hostess’s ass!” and yes, I agree with you!! Sacre bleu indeed!

    • I was pretty “mouth-gaping-open” too! I think I would have been less shocked if they had pocketed cash or jewelry — but a Christmas ornament? Sacrilege!