I Do NOT Want My Nipples There, Please

Oh - the sunglasses on my boobs?  Yeah - I can explain...  #funny  #kids #parenting #games #questions #crockpot #humor

So then…I’m standing there, minding my own business, slaving over an impressive gourmet dinner (aka checking the crockpot) – when my tween daughter Chloe enters and asks, “Would you rather have eyes for nipples – or nipples for eyes?”

Silence.

I look up from the crockpot, spoon in hand – furrow on brow.

“What?”

She sighs impatiently as if this is a matter of great urgency.

“MOM! Would you rather have EYES FOR NIPPLES – or NIPPLES FOR EYES?”

Omigod. Is this a decision I have to make right now? Is this a real thing?

My eyes dart around the kitchen. What does she know that I don’t know?

Is some grand master wizard — or satanic demon — or demented plastic surgeon about to burst in here and make me CHOOSE?

And really — what a dreadful choice!

How could people look me in the face if my nipples are where my eyes should be? I’d have to wear a face bra!

And if my nipples were eyes? Well, based on my low-hangin’ swingin’ bosoms, my eyes would be somewhere around belt-level. That would really limit my vision.

And how awkward when I’m talking to people. It would flip that whole “Hey buddy, my eyes are up here” upside down. “Yo dude, my eyes are DOWN here.”

And I wouldn’t be able to SEE anything if my tatas were covered, so I’d have to go topless everywhere – totally creeping everyone out with my eyeball on each boobie.

And I wear GLASSES to drive, for God’s sake! How will I strap the glasses to my boob eyes? I won’t even be able to see out the windshield anyway — since my boob eyes will be resting in my lap!

Really this whole switch thing is stressing me out.

“MOM! Answer the question!” she says.

“Why, Chloe? Why must I decide? Those are both appalling options!” I say.

“It’s a game!” she says. “It’s called Wouldja Rather. My friends and I play it all the time. Like ‘Wouldja rather have 3 toes on each foot and have to wear sandals everyday – or wouldja rather have only one giant nostril?”

I make the I-just-smelled-bad-cheese face.

“Or,” she continues, “a famous You-Tuber likes to ask ‘Wouldja rather change genders each time you sneeze – or not be able to tell the difference between a baby and a muffin?’”

OK, first of all – there are famous You-Tubers?

Second of all, changing genders each time I sneeze could get real awkward real fast.

What if I’m breastfeeding at the time? Or competing in a Miss America pageant? (Stop laughing. I could so compete in a Miss America pageant.)

And with my allergic multiple sneeze attacks — God forbid my sexual partner brings flowers into the boudoir – he-ey! It’s about to get ALL crazy up in here! I’m a chick! I’m a dude! I’m a chick again! Nope, a dude! Hell-o!

Third of all, who comes UP with such a bizarre notion that someone couldn’t tell the difference between a baby and a muffin? And I DO love me some muffins. If that’s the case, though — I tell you what, if someone sprinkles blueberries on that kid, he’s a goner.

“Chloe,” I say, “These choices are—”

“Oh!” she says, “Or how about THIS one? Wouldja rather slide into an erupting volcano — or jump blindfolded into a tank of sharks?’”

I put the spoon down and fold my arms. “Neither! Neither, Chloe! I do not want to do ANY of those things! I am anxious just THINKING about those things!”

She laughs and says, “Mom! It’s just a game! It’s fun to see what people choose and the reasons why. My friends and I debate the pros and cons. It’s fun!”

Honestly, what is wrong with these kids? Why can’t they just hot-wire cars and knock over liquor stores like normal teens?

“Chloe, why are all these choices so dire?”  I put on a cheerful voice and ask:  “Why not ‘Wouldja rather win a brand new beach house – or find a million dollars in your sweater pocket?’”

She rolls her eyes. “Oh Mom!” She picks up her books and goes into the living room.

I follow her, waving my spoon. “Or how about ‘Wouldja rather vacation in Paris — or Rome?’”

“Mo-om! You don’t get it!”

“Or ‘Wouldja rather dance with George Clooney — or bake cookies with Ryan Gosling?’”

She huffs, but starts grinning. “Stop, Mom! Just stop.”

I return to the crockpot, glad I’ve made my point.

But tonight, I’m CERTAIN I’ll have nightmares of sharks chasing me into volcanoes, while I hyperventilate through my one nostril — with my eyeball-boobies flapping in all directions!

— Darcy Perdu

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(OK, what choices would YOU make in the above “Wouldja Rather” options? And do your kids play this wackadoodle game?)

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44 replies on “I Do NOT Want My Nipples There, Please

  1. April said:

    We have yet to make it the either or game yet. In our house, it’s a constant “what if”.

    “what if, you HAD to take me to the library right now, or everyone on earth with die?”

    “What if, you got a million dollars if you took me to the library right now”

    “What if, by going to the library right now, you could cure cancer?”

    • For God’s sake, April, take that child to the library! You’ll be rich & cure cancer & save humanity!
      Ha! I applaud your child’s creative persuasion techniques!

      • April said:

        I know, right? Given their age, I just answer negatively to each one. “Hm. well at least if everyone dies, it will be quiet” and “Money can’t buy happiness”

    • Hmmm, I’d rather be called a heifer than be one, I think. I’d get too bored standing around the field all day — unless they had Netflix — then…maybe.

      • Would you rather be a heifer with netflix or a goat with a boat? Okay, I’ll quit.

        • Ha! Heifer with Netflix for sure! Love me some Orange is the New Black and House of Cards!

          • Heather said:

            Oooh problem would be selecting the video of choice with hooves……

          • Good point. I’d need a handsome farmer companion with good taste in movies…

    • Funny you should say that, William. We just found 38 kids you sired. They’ll arrive on your doorstep tomorrow morning. Good luck to you, sir!

    • Bwahaha! “Rub my eyes” — only you would think of that!

  2. Alex said:

    Yep, my daughters had a phase. I generally just answer them and get them out of my hair. In this case: eyes for nipples because you would still have your “normal” eyes (and then you can cover the extra set of eyes with a sweater). If you chose nipples for eyes you’d be blind but have four nipples. This is because if you did not keep the originals then the question “nipples for eyes or eyes for nipples” would not make sense: whichever option you chose would automatically involve the opposite option being implemented as well, so you couldn’t have a discussion about why you would choose one over the other. A more accurate question would be “Do you want your eyes to be where they are now or do you want them to be where your nipples are”. That’s possibly what they mean, but not as interesting as having four eyes and no nipples or four nipples and no eyes. Just sayin’.

    • Omigod, Alex, thank you! That is brilliant deductive reasoning! If she asks me any more perplexing questions I can’t answer, I’m gonna “Phone a Friend” (Alex) so you can set her straight!

      • AinOakPark said:

        Thank you, Alex. Now I don’t have to write all that. I am all in favor of being a “four eyes”!

        • Right? 4 eyes is definitely the way to go on this one! Ha!

    • You might be on to something! This could solve everything!

  3. Must be going around. My son Max asked me a question like that the other day. I can’t remember the specifics, but it was the boy version for sure, because I know it involved a flame thrower.

  4. Ok, I am not going to comment correctly. I see all your readers are giving examples of their own kids and “Would You Rathers?” But I’m just gonna Compliment Comment. I think this post is Comedic Genius! Now, remember our talk about “Freshly Pressed” on WordPress? THIS piece would so be Freshly Pressed! Bravo!
    Stephanie Lewis recently posted..But First . . . Lemme NOT Take a Selfie!My Profile

    • Hello, Stephanie! And I LOVE Compliment Comments! :o) Thanks!!

  5. Paul said:

    I’m with Stephanie – just a compliment comment. I can’t remember what questions our kids asked and even if I could , I’m sure I would have just said “Ask your Mother.” Ha!

    • Ah yes, the ever-popular “ask your mother.” Nowadays, parents probably just say, “ask Google” or “ask Siri!” ha!

    • Hahaha! Yes, the answer IS always George Clooney! Ha!

  6. My (much) younger sister and I once had a completely ridiculous conversation about whether flat soda takes up less space (volume) than soda with the fizz still in it. I believe, after also involving two of our brothers, we determined the answer to be yes.

    • Ha! That’s awesome! My daughter loves those kinds of ridiculous debates. Don’t get her started on the topic of “whether or not we all think colors are actually the same colors that other people think are those colors.” She can wax poetic on that topic for a solid hour!!

    • Hell yeah! I’ll bring Ryan Gosling and join you there! :o)

  7. Julie said:

    ok. Now I feel a little dumb. I read this yesterday and now I see that I didn’t understand it. I thought your eyes and nipples had to trade places. Since I have the chest of an 11 year old boy, I wouldn’t have to worry about looking at my lap, however it would make me feel about a foot shorter. Do your eyelids get to accompany your eyes? They’d have to right? otherwise they’d dry up. It would solve that “my eyes are up here” issue. I say your Chloe is a genius. Your game is better. Brad Pitt. That’s my pick.

    oh yeah, does it hurt to change sex when you sneeze? That might be interesting, but if it hurts I don’t wanna….

    • It is a perplexing consideration, Julie! I too am confused by all the flying body parts! I think I’d like to keep everything in the current location — and possibly LIFT the boobies — then join you in Paris for a double date (you and Brad — and me and Ryan)!

    • Ha! Thanks, Aussa! I’ve now decided that I want to be a “famous YouTuber!”

  8. We used to play Wouldja Rather ALL THE TIME! Sounds like your tween knows what’s up. And I choose eyes for nipples. I hate nipples. They look like they would poke someone’s eyes out…which I guess is fitting here.
    Lisa Newlin recently posted..Tinder Tuesday: 9th EditionMy Profile

  9. I had a dream about this last night and it was NOT good. Please tell your daughter thanks for me.

    I’ll blame the Valium and not you.

    This time.

    • Ha! Seriously! This is the stuff of nightmares! Sharks! Volcanoes! Misplaced body parts!

    • Right? Baked goods and that li’l stud muffin? Heaven!