Honestly, Officer, This is an ACCIDENTAL Scalpel Stabbing…

So then…I stop at the light, yelp at a piercing pain in my leg, then feel my car gently bump the car in front of it. It’s just a tap — but jarring, nonetheless.

I look down at a tiny scalpel imbedded in my thigh. Was I trying to perform surgery while exiting an LA freeway? No.

I’ve merely forgotten that I had removed the scalpel from my grade school son’s Junior Science Kit and placed it on the arm rest in the car — you know, for safety reasons.

So when I stop the car on an incline, it slides backwards, right into my leg!

I pluck the offending blade from my thigh and jump out of the car. A man in his early 60’s is disembarking his vehicle too. The first thing he says to me is, “Oh, my back, my back!”

And because I’ve heard a million times that you should never admit fault or remorse at the scene of an accident, I wisely blurt out, “Oh, my God! I’m so sorry! Are you OK? It’s totally my fault! A knife punctured my leg!”

He smiles. A really big smile. A knowing smile.

I am such a rube.

He sizes me up quickly – a girl in her 30’s in a luxury car, readily admitting blame in a fender-bender. He motions me to pull over to a gas station to exchange info.

When we park, I confirm that he’s OK and doesn’t need to go to the hospital. He still murmurs about the back pain, but I can see he’s ready for a transaction.

His eyes glide over my car lustfully and he says wistfully, “Oh, you have a Jaaaaguar. I used to have one of those. I wish I had a Jaaaaguar.”

“Um, well, it’s an old model,” I say, trying not to appear wealthy for fear he’ll take advantage with some trumped-up medical claims. “Let’s call the police so we can get this all on the record.”

“Oh, no need for the police,” he says. “Let’s just exchange information.”

I hand him my insurance card and he says wistfully, “Oh, you have USAA insurance. That’s such a good company. I wish I had USAA insurance.”

Oh my God, this guy is totally creeping me out with his coveting! I almost expect him to say, “Oh, you’re wearing bluuue shorts. Those are so nice. I wish I had bluuue shorts.”

He gives me his insurance info and name and number.

I renew my suggestion to call the police.

He says, “It’ll take them forever to get here and they’ll just tell us to exchange information. Besides, we can avoid the whole insurance situation if you just give me $800 to get my car fixed.”

I peer closely at the bumper of his late model car. There is not a scratch or a dent.

“$800 for what?” I ask.

“Well, look what your car did to mine!” He points to the back side fender that has paint peeling all along the side.

“Huh?” (I don’t get it. This is my first car accident, so I don’t have a lot of experience – and I’m certainly not an automotive expert – but HUH?)

I want to shout “LIAR!” but he’s twice my age and I’m trying to be respectful. My mama didn’t raise me to cast aspersions on the elderly.

So instead I politely say, “I don’t think my car did that. We were both stopped at a stop light. How could a bump to the back of your car cause the paint to peel off on the whole side of your car? I think that paint was peeling off before we bumped.”

He confirms confidently, “Oh yes, your car did do that to mine. I didn’t have any peeling paint before.”

“Well, I’m going to call the police then, so we can all talk about this.”

“I’m not waiting for the police,” he says quickly. “My back’s really hurting me so I have to get home and rest. Tell your insurance company to call me as soon as possible. And by the way — my neck is really starting to hurt, too.”

And with that, he hops in his car and leaves. I’m still shaken up by the whole experience, but I quickly drive the last 7 minutes home and call my insurance company.

I start to divulge the details, but the insurance lady cuts me off – “Are you talking about the automotive incident that just occurred?”

“Yes!” I say. “How do you know about it?”

“The other party called us already.”

“Are you kidding me? He called you already? It only took me 7 minutes to get home and he’s already called you! I have to tell you I have my suspicions about this guy! He tried to shake me down for cash instead of calling the police or involving the insurance companies. I think he’s looking for a big payday!” I say.

She says, “Yes, I have that feeling too. He immediately talked about “pain and suffering” and used lots of terms common to insurance medical claims. I looked him up. He’s already been involved in two car accident lawsuits where he’s filed huge claims for back problems.”

“Oh My God! What are we going to do?!” I say in a panic.

She says reassuringly. “Don’t worry about a thing. We’ll handle everything. That’s why you have us.”

And that’s why I love USAA.

And why I no longer drive with loose scalpels in the car.

— Darcy Perdu

(Anybody try to take advantage of YOU – or any funny insurance stories to share? Feel free to post anything related to fender-benders, creepy old guys, cars, cops, Junior Science Kits, or scalpels!)

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10 replies on “Honestly, Officer, This is an ACCIDENTAL Scalpel Stabbing…

  1. Judy said:

    Some Lance Armstrong wannabe tried to buzz me on my bike as I was stopping on a bicycle trail. He misjudged and smacked my handlebar, sending us both flying. My dork hubby, immediately starts in with “we have insurance, we’ll pay!” The guy is an EMT, has us go to a nearby convenience store to call it in. The cops come in and is good buddies with the guy, talks to him and take pictures of his injuries then gets ready to leave. I asked if he wasn’t going to do the same for me. He took a picture of my skinned knee and said there was no reason to talk to me as he had the whole story already. Jerk! I told my insurance company–also USAA–and told them how hubby said we’d pay. Yep, he’d already called them and claimed $1200 in damages to his bike and $800 for his specialty shoes. I said I felt like it was more his fault than mine and that the whole thing was a farce and how the cop was his friend and wouldn’t even take my statement. They did pay him some money but not the $2K he tried to get out of them. He called both them and me multiple more times claiming more issues. Speaking of issues, since I had his name and address I signed him up for some random magazine subscriptions and checked “bill me later.” It was the least I could do. This was July 2004. December 2004 I still had black bruises on my butt from the accident. March 2005 I had my gall bladder removed; it had been injured in the accident and it took my doc that long to decide it needed to go. Here it is 2013 and my elbow is still messed up on it. I can only hope karma gets him yet!

  2. Katherine said:

    OMG! First what an ass that guy is, second I hope you are ok and have no lasting problems! I had a 17 year old get to a stop sign on a side street, look right at me coming down the main road, and she pulled right out. sigh. No time to stop – hit her straight on. Her insurance wanted to total my car, grrr. I called my insurance, they were like we totally can fix that! Like you, I love my insurance!

  3. Oh my word, what a con artist. Hope he does not get away with it.
    Vivian recently posted..Sorry BobMy Profile

  4. I can’t believe that creep! I had some guy ram into me, insist on calling the cops only to end up getting the ticket himself. Needless to say I let out an evil laugh when he signed the ticket – lol. Kharma… that’s what he gets for trying to act like I made him crash INTO ME. He acted like he was hurt, up until the officer started explaining why it was HIS fault.

  5. Hayley J said:

    Did a teeny roll bump into someone when we were stopped at an intersection. He was rolling forward and I wasn’t looking and rolled forward too, and he didn’t go so I bumped him. We swapped info and I never heard from him..until TWO YEARS later saying he wanted me to pay for the damages. My insurance company didn’t even bother with him, just said nope, end of story. You can’t wait that long!

  6. Frankie said:

    My friend and I go to Denny’s every Saturday religiously. I always pick her up and drop her off. Her neighbors know me. She lives in a cul de sac. So one day as I was dropping her off to her house (I just pulled up), my friend turned to me to tell me something and told me look out! and BAM got hit by a car backing out across my friend’s house. I learned from previous experience that I should ALWAYS call the cops and that’s what I did. The lady was nice and my friend and I made sure she was okay. What I didn’t know is that while I drove in to my friend’s neighborhood that day, the lady’s husband just left in a moped which I remembered when I pulled in. I guess his wife told him I called the cops and he came back and flipped his shit. Bottom line the guy has lived in Miami for years but still has his New York license plate on his car and didn’t want to get ticked with the accident and driving with an illegal tag. I was respectful in responding to him and he also gave my friend a super duper hard time. It wasn’t even her fault. We agreed to just use the insurance company and not involve police (against my better judgement). Even though he was a horrible person, he claimed fault and I was able to get my car fixed. Thank god he moved to China. Good riddance to bad rubbish I say. I would type the horrible things he said to me but honestly I would rather forget about the incident and be grateful they fixed my car.

  7. Jennifer said:

    I started reading So…Then Stories a couple of weeks ago. I’m supposed to be working but I’d rather be laughing.

  8. Nicole said:

    I’ve been there. I was driving my mom’s Chevy Cavalier, one summer morning, on my way to register my daughter for school. I approached a red light and stopped behind a cement truck uh, I mean SUV. The light turned green and I eased off the brake and proceeded to put my foot on the gas. Btw this guy did not have a turn signal on. So as I’m cruising about 2.5 miles per hour and have moved about 5 feet, a kid on a skateboard zooms in front of the large vehicle causing it to stop suddenly. So, Bang, fender bender. More like a fender kiss for him and a fender punch in the face for my mom’s car. So to make a long story short, the guy used his advanced age of 70 years old to win $15,000 from my mother’s insurance company. For What? I have no idea. Probably to put in his casino fund lol

    • $15,000!? Holy Crap! That’s crazy! Thank goodness the insurance paid for it!