Honestly, CONTROL Yourself

Honestly CONTROL Yourself
So then…I hear the guy sitting next to me say to his companions, “Did you see Trey at the club last night? What the hell was on his neck?”

I slide my eyes over in his direction, while pretending to continue scrolling through my phone. I’m sitting in the waiting area at the Las Vegas airport and the conversation to my left is much more interesting than my work emails.

What was on Trey’s neck? A hickey? A ruby necklace? A boa constrictor?

Until the flight boards, I listen in on their conversation while they trash Trey, debate the merits of two dancers they met at an after-hours club, complain about their hotel, and dish about their co-workers.

I am fascinated. Of the three guys, Bobby, in particular, is my favorite since he’s funny, irreverent, and gregarious. The whole time they’re talking, he is ripping off pieces of a gigantic blueberry muffin that is literally the size of his head.

It is the most ENORMOUS muffin I have ever seen.

He rips a piece, eats it, then joins in the verbal banter, rips a piece, eats it, and so on.

This goes on for 20 minutes, then finally he has eaten the entire muffin except for one last teeny tiny little piece on the paper plate.

Honestly Control Yourself Crumbs

He looks down, dramatically wraps the plastic wrap over the plate, and pointedly says to his companions, “They say you should always leave something on your plate; don’t be a PIG.”

He tosses his head, smiles smugly, and sits back in his chair.

All of us bust out laughing.

I don’t even try to pretend I’m not eavesdropping.

Bobby gives us all a fake “what? what?” look, then joins in the laughter too.

Now whenever I am down to the last tiny bite of a HUGE plate of pasta or a GIANT piece of cake, I think of Bobby and demurely push aside that last teeny bit, so that I “always leave something on my plate” lest someone thinks I’m being a piggie.

— Darcy Perdu

(Do you leave a little on the plate – or polish off every last bite? What’s your best method to control yourself while eating, drinking, shopping, gambling, sexing? Ever overheard something funny in an airport? Do tell in the Comments Section!)

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24 replies on “Honestly, CONTROL Yourself

  1. Bahahaha! I try to leave something so I don’t look like a pig, too, but if it’s yummy, I very rarely succeed!!!

  2. I was a war-time baby, so I either eat everything on my plate, or if I’m in a restaurant, I will ask to take it home. If I don’t care for something, I’ll only take a small portion – or none at all.

  3. Laura said:

    What WAS on Trey’s neck??

    • Ha! I was HOPING someone would ask! Apparently it was a completely unflattering tiger head that did not complement Trey’s hair cut AT ALL.

      • Laura said:

        A tiger head? As a necklace or more like a fox-scarf-thingy? While I can see how either would be unflattering, I don’t quite understand how it would mismatch a haircut in particular.

        I loved the story, especially since I LOVE overhearing other peoples conversations :)

        • Sorry, I meant to say: tiger head tattoo!
          And I agree with you — eavesdropping can be LOTS of fun!

          • Dillyn said:

            And here I was thinking ALL my life that any tiger head neck tattoo was flattering…

          • Ha! and I’m thinking isn’t it weird to put a tiger’s head on your neck? — like you’re almost saying you wish you had a TIGER head instead of a HUMAN head? if that’s the case, I guess I’d get a neck tattoo of Angelina Jolie or something!

  4. Dillyn said:

    I won’t eat everything on my plate at a restaurant-I get a box at the beginning of the meal and tuck half in. Portion control for the win! Andddd then two hours later I gobble the rest down in the comfort of my own home.

    But really, WHAT WAS ON HIS NECK?!

    • Love your dining plan! I once read that actress Morgan Fairchild cut her restaurant meals into QUARTERS and only ate one QUARTER of her meals. I remember thinking I wanted to her best friend so I could eat the other 3/4!

  5. Megly Mc said:

    It was me…I was on Trey’s neck. I’m so sorry, I had been drinking and things got weird, and one thing led to another, and the next thing you know…

    *hangs head in shame*

  6. I had a friend in grad school who would always leave exactly three pieces of orange chicken left on his plate. He had a theory that there are exactly three bad/gristly pieces in each batch, and by leaving three behind he avoided those pieces. Sounds like he and Bobby would get along just fine!

  7. Judy said:

    I often get down to the last bite or two and realize that really I’m full so I leave them and then get grief from my family about it so I’m guilted into eating them. Then I feel guilty I did. Darn these people. Next time I’ll throw it at the taunting person.

  8. My MIL always says to “leave a truffle-sized bite” on your plate. I’ve never really understood that. She is stick skinny though, so maybe she’s onto something…
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  9. I have a thing about wasting food, so I never leave anything on a plate. I believe dish less and don’t waste. It horrifies me that recently on a talk on the radio they said 40 percent of all food purchased is thrown away.
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    • Ha! There ARE a lot of vampires roaming about these days, so it could happen!